It can happen if you really get your act together

[chrisisconfuse]

HELP!

 

Hey guys, I'm new and it won't let me create a new thread so I found this one might be the best to say my story in since i didn't want to hi-jack someone elses thread.

 

I wish i found this site early on in my breakup because it would have saved me from a lot of stuff I did wrong.

 

Anyways my story. My ex and I didn't end things on good terms, she dumped me and I became a needy, selfish (Without knowing it) person. The only thing I cared about was getting her back and I'm pretty sure I came off as a complete creep never dropping it and asking for second chances. The heart is a funny thing, i almost feel like it made me do this stuff because i was so in love.

 

So we stopped talking at the one year post break-up point, she said it's best if we don't speak anymore (I'm sure it's because she thought i was some stalker or something)

 

She contacted me recently six months after no speaking to each other at all asking for a shirt back that she left here, I found it quite weird to ask for a shirt back. So I said yeah i'm going to your part of town soon, if you want i can leave it at a friends of yours or the post office. (since she made it clear she didn't ever want to see me when we last talked 6 months ago and i didn't want to make it look like this was another scheme to see her)

 

Which i got no reply too, it really confused me...then today I get an email saying Hey Chris, sorry for the late reply! you can do whatever doesn't matter to me, thanks.

 

I guess this is all really stupid but I've been reading some stuff on here about a push and pull effect? I was going to respond with a "It's all good, no sorrys needed"

 

But then i thought...would it be better to just not respond to that? Does it seem weak like I'm still into her saying "it's all good, no sorrys need? or would she maybe see that as a nice thing?

 

Truth is i wish i never messed things up with this girl, and if there is any chance i can redeem myself from looking like such a tool, I want to do it.

 

I don't know how girls work, input please.

[onidonid]

"I don't know how girls work" - take a number pal!

 

Well I think you'd only respond with the "All good.." if you were going to also indicate where you are dropping off the stuff.

 

Push / pull works if you plan to tell her something directly or indirectly how you have improved yourself and how different you are. Otherwise it's all push to her. She has no interest because (it seems and I'm assuming) you havent changed. If saying "All good.." is what you normally do, then don't do it. If not responding is something you never do, then do it. Not playing games here, but if you want to spark her interest be different. Be better. Pull her in...slowly. It's your only chance. Have you worked on yourself? Have you gotten your act together?

[onidonid]

At work we are told to use bullets when writing to important people because they don't have time for lengthy emails. So I will write in bullets because you are important people.

 

-I have been checking out ENA since my fiance left me about 6 months ago. Most if not all the information has been people telling me that I need to heal , that I need LC , that I need NC , that I need to move on. Well that's all fine and dandy, but it didnt sit well with me. It didn't make sense. What about love? What about reconcilliation?

 

-Someone here turned me on to Al Turtle. Finally something made sense as to what I was dealing with. I wanted to get the love of my life back, but I didn't know how.

 

- I did NC for 3 months. The first 2 months was LC, and that completely backfired. It pushed her away, because I was begging, pleading, apologizing. I was not getting to the crux of the problem.

 

- Al Turtle turned me on to some things, and it finally hit me. It hit me why she left. She told me but I wasnt listening. I couldnt believe it. The shock from the break up, the depression, the crying, the denial, the anger, the resentment it all clouded the truth. How could a great relationship end so quickly? Easy, I changed focus, and stopped listening to her. I didnt empathize with her and show compassion. That pushed her away - I then became clingy where she couldnt handle it anymore.

 

-Well I've realized at the ripe age of 44, that I've been clingy all of my life. I become that way. I have had many relationships, and the ones where I was the dumpee was because I became clingy. I was not the man they fell in love with and respected. I originally blamed them, now I don't. I blame my inability to recognize my part in the process.

 

-I want this girl back. I've let go of the anger, the resentment, but I'm still working on letting go of the hurt. I'm trying, but I'm not there yet. I really miss her and I feel horrible at pushing her away. I think if I didn't realize what I did, I may have been better off?? - no of course not because I would have repeated it again in the next relationship. That's just it, I feel regret. I want another chance with her.

 

-I've reached out with a simple note saying I validated her decisions, I understand what she did, and she was right about several things. I also indicated where I've improved, and a few things I'm working on. I was not pleading, or pushy. I did not ask for a response, and I wished her well. I made sure I didn't say anything to make her feel defensive. That was 3 days ago, and there's been no response. That's ok. I'll reach out again once I find out more about myself and I've improved. Or maybe I won't. I do know she wanted me to work on myself, so it's not like I'm doing it just for her - but I think it will help.

 

-Can I love again? Sure of course. The thing is, I want this person. She has so many qualities that I adore and cherish in a person/friend/lover. Are there more or better like her? Yeah I guess, why not...it's not like she has a monopoloy on it. However I truly do love her, and I'm beginning to really love myself as I improve. Is there anything wrong with wanting that person back?

 

- I guess what I'm gathering here, is that the fact I still want her means I'm not healed or improved to the point of where I should be. I struggle with that. I don't understand or grasp the notion/concept that wanting the same person is not good.

 

Help me understand if you can.

[chrisisconfuse]

What i used to do was get kind of angry if she didn't respond to me. I almost think she did it as a test to see if I'd get angry cause she didn't respond to me for almost a whole month. Normally after three days or something i would have sent her something like "Sooooo..............are you going to respond?"

 

But now that she finally messaged me back, maybe it's okay to now say no worries?

[Samatha]

 

- I did NC for 3 months. The first 2 months was LC, and that completely backfired. It pushed her away, because I was begging, pleading, apologizing. I was not getting to the crux of the problem.

 

I can't really help, I'm stuck as you are. I feel like you, that I can love and have others, but I want HIM.

for the nc... he left me already once, and we had LC... but now it's him who doesn't want to have contact with me. So NC I don't know if it can work to heal 'both'...

[Tired Tiger]

- I guess what I'm gathering here, is that the fact I still want her means I'm not healed or improved to the point of where I should be. I struggle with that. I don't understand or grasp the notion/concept that wanting the same person is not good.

 

Help me understand if you can.

 

Not as easy a question as it would seem, is it? Of course, there's the generic 'ethical outrage' answers of, "Why would you want him/her after they did this/that to you?" ...or... "You can do better than someone with >>insert personality disorder dujour here

 

One important factor is to determine the difference between 'want' and 'need'. Need isn't good at all - especially the need for validation from another as a contingency for happiness. I don't see all that much wrong with want (or desire), in and of itself, so long as it's tempered with acceptance of the current circumstances. As for getting rid of want? I don't know, short of judgement, devaluation, and negativity. Not my style.

[sirensilver]

 

-Can I love again? Sure of course. The thing is, I want this person. She has so many qualities that I adore and cherish in a person/friend/lover. Are there more or better like her? Yeah I guess, why not...it's not like she has a monopoloy on it. However I truly do love her, and I'm beginning to really love myself as I improve. Is there anything wrong with wanting that person back?

 

- I guess what I'm gathering here, is that the fact I still want her means I'm not healed or improved to the point of where I should be. I struggle with that. I don't understand or grasp the notion/concept that wanting the same person is not good.

 

Help me understand if you can.

 

I believe you shouldn't look at things in terms of right and wrong. Of course you could try to love again with someone else. But if you want to love this woman, I see no reason why you can't. People around me always say that "it's broken, it's over, you can't fix it, move on, you deserve better, he's no good, etcetera" but I think they miss the point entirely. You could definitely look for someone new, but you don't want to. You don't have to. This woman is very important to you, and for good reason. She was and is a part of your life, and your memories. I also don't understand the concept that wanting the same person is desperate or "bad".

 

Here is what I think about the situation. I truly believe you can love this woman from afar and with out worry. It is something that is hard to do, and you may need a lot of strength, discipline, and patience for this. Be a source of safety for her, and I believe that she may come back. This is a decision only you can make, and you should go with your instincts on this. If you are very familiar with Al Turtle then you should be able to avoid pushing and clinging too much. One of my favorite lines of his is to "Give them more space then they need." and also "All People make sense all the time."

 

I'm in a similar situation, and I realize I'm very young and that I will be learning and need to learn a great deal. I was in a 5 year relationship when my boyfriend suddenly left. I didn't know things were wrong and thus was suddenly made aware. Reading Al Turtle's blog saved my mind and made it easy for me to chart a course of action.

 

"I love this man. I want to be what he needs me to be. His happiness is important to me. Thus, I will be a source of safety to him."

 

I'm working on the four steps of what to do when my partner leaves, and also working on resolving my issues on my own. I will date other people at a rate I'm comfortable with, and I will do what I feel I have to do. But if he comes back and seeks me out, it will not be sad or pathetic if I take him back. Because it is my decision to make, and I know that I make sense all the time, so there is nothing abnormal about what I'm going to do. It's not wrong. It makes sense.

 

I believe you should do what feels right for you. That's what makes sense to me.

[resilient]

This probably can't be stressed enough.

 

but there is one thing we can all be certain of...if you and your ex are alive then that is something to be thankful for. They could have been taken like in Lynn's story in which case there can be no reunion. If two people are still alive then there is always the possibility of reconnecting.

 

.

 

This is how it think about this:

When a partner dies, the person left behind has no way but to accept and cope with the reality of death as they know no one has ever come back from the dead. Evenually, the pain of loss will die with time. But when a partner walks away from you in a relationship, hope still remains that they may come back. So the pain may never seem to die at least until hope of reunion dies. When the hope of the ones left behind die, they die too, even if they are reborn as new persons later on. I think what we are griefing, in the end, is the death of the person that we used to be.

[Sim54]

This is simply a great thread.

I've read it all today, and will keep an eye on it.

TT, you write beautifully, succinctly and clearly.

 

I've come over recently from a male only forum that preaches NC NC NC!

After a time, and having moved on, I can see the folly in that. Although it's important to detach and separate, people get so hung up on NC as a means to get someone back, not seeing the bigger picture.

 

After many months in the dark, i'm letting go my past, healing my wounded heart and for the first time in nearly 40 years I have experienced happiness for no other reason than being me and being alive.

 

My ex wouldn't recognise me right now, but none of this is for her anyway.

I can let go with love, and wish her well, and know that when I'm ready I'll give her a call and see how she's doing.

When that will be, who knows, but I'll know when I'm ready.

 

Awareness is really key.

Once we become aware of ourselves, and what is REALLY going on underneath, then life starts to go a little smoother no?

 

Peace to you all.

 

Sim

[bungalo]

Nicely put Sin...not always easy peasy lemon squeezy to pratice. Nine months tomorrow since the free up (breakup is banned form my vocab now)tomorrow. I met an incredible woman over the weekend...had drinks and saw some bands..and she is the most beautiful girl I've ever been with...and she is smart...and not snotty..and does good work in the world for the disabled and mentally challenged...and I guess I'm highjacking this thread..but it was like an honor to just sit next to her...(don't worry my pedestal days are over) So we shall see how it goes in the Bungalo Jungle this week. Did I mention she was gorgeous

[Tired Tiger]

I've come over recently from a male only forum that preaches NC NC NC!

After a time, and having moved on, I can see the folly in that. Although it's important to detach and separate, people get so hung up on NC as a means to get someone back, not seeing the bigger picture.

 

It does seem very short-sighted to me, and I believe that's part of what Jasper was getting at in the opening post of this thread. Again, that's not to say that the concept doesn't have it's place, or that anyone should do the opposite and chase their ex relentlessly, but when it's promoted as the dogma of being the primary "action" indefinately, it becomes nothing more than an addiction/dysfunction of it's own. I believe this is why you'll never see the phrase or acronym of "NC" used by legitimate psychologists/authors. It's more of an internet 'meme', or a relationship "rickroll", if you will.

 

That said, there is a critical part of the process that requires separation and detachment. They're critical in that they get one to a much better place of emotional stability. What I think a lot of people miss is the notion that you actually can achieve this without the common (and perpetuated) negativity and devaluation. There's been mention earlier in this thread of "letting go with love". To me, this seems a far more helpful and positive term to apply than the "NC" battle cry. Semantics? Perhaps. I also don't care for the villian/victim implications of the terms "dumper and dumpee".

 

It's nice to still see people finding this thread useful, though.

[kuteknish]

 

That said, there is a critical part of the process that requires separation and detachment. They're critical in that they get one to a much better place of emotional stability. What I think a lot of people miss is the notion that you actually can achieve this without the common (and perpetuated) negativity and devaluation. There's been mention earlier in this thread of "letting go with love". To me, this seems a far more helpful and positive term to apply than the "NC" battle cry. Semantics? Perhaps. I also don't care for the villian/victim implications of the terms "dumper and dumpee".

 

It's nice to still see people finding this thread useful, though.

 

I always like reading Tired Tiger posts/threads! thanks for all you input here!

[onidonid]

I always like reading Tired Tiger posts/threads! thanks for all you input here!

 

Does Tired Tiger have Tiger Blood????

[onidonid]

Limerence - link removed

 

Anyone ever heard of this? I wonder if I am suffering from this. 6 months after the fact, and I'm still a mess. Not as bad as I was for sure, but reading this, well it kind of worries me.

 

I was doing some reading on GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and NRE (new relationship energy) then stumbled accross this. Holy cow. What ever happened to just plain old heartbreak?

 

Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

[bungalo]

Does Tired Tiger have Tiger Blood????

 

Is that a Charlie Sheen reference? In any case, good to see you on these boards. I always enjoy your intelligent

perspective on things-

[onidonid]

It was, but only in jest. TT is great, and a joy to read. He could teach Charlie a thing or two about relationships.

[90_hour_sleep]

It was, but only in jest. TT is great, and a joy to read. He could teach Charlie a thing or two about relationships.

 

Agreed!!

 

A salute... to the tiger!

 

and TT...when are you gonna bring back "Tony" for your avatar??

Seems to suit you.

 

 

[kleinserenity]

Agree with what you said."That said, there is a critical part of the process that requires separation and detachment"

 

 

A couple needs to be really detached & separated ....BEFORE they can really get back together.

Because both needs to review themselves & be a "new person", to grow up and renew themselves.

Otherwise, old problems arise.

 

It follows that...

Reconciliation is a gift from heaven/God, just like a relationship.

It takes lots of possibilities for two persons to get back together again, and it's just not something that we "humans" can "work it out".

 

Imagine what would be the chemistry when two of you get back anew again?

Who knows?

 

I understand that many of us would like to get back. Me too.

So work on ourselves first, reflect and grow up personally; learn how to really love a person. Be a better & attractive person.

 

Then...let God decide. Really.

We just can't control another humans.....this is the reality.

But we can control ourselves.

[Tired Tiger]

Thanks for the kind words, guys. Really, though, I'm just trying to find my way like everyone else.

 

Limerence ... Anyone ever heard of this?

 

Hmm. I don't know... seems like a long, intricate description of... just plain old heartbreak. Sometimes you just need to cut yourself some slack and not over-think the healing process. It's tough, and never linear. It takes the time it takes, and I don't think six months is necessarily very long - at least in terms of thinking about mental disorders.

 

Holy cow. What ever happened to just plain old heartbreak?

 

Ah - that's an easy one. Wireless phones. text messaging, internet, message boards, e-books, Facebook... and on and on. It's an endless smorgasboard of convenient tools to keep one stuck. A thousand ways to stick your hand back into the Hornet's nest.

 

and TT...when are you gonna bring back "Tony" for your avatar??

 

I'd considered another retro cartoon cat for that - Snagglepuss. But then I realized that he's a pink Mountain Lion, which doesn't really work.

[mhowe]

totally agree with your "letting go with love"....when my ex asked for "time" due to way too many stressors in his life over a 6 month period, I told him to take all the time he needed, and as I got up off the couch to leave, told him the door was open and the light was on. And while I have not contacted him in the past 2 months, I don't think of it as NC, but as respecting and honoring the man and the relationship....because to repeatedly call or stop by doesn't honor his request.

[resilient7]

bump............

[kleinserenity]

totally agree with your "letting go with love"....when my ex asked for "time" due to way too many stressors in his life over a 6 month period, I told him to take all the time he needed, and as I got up off the couch to leave, told him the door was open and the light was on. And while I have not contacted him in the past 2 months, I don't think of it as NC, but as respecting and honoring the man and the relationship....because to repeatedly call or stop by doesn't honor his request.

 

agree no more

[Tired Tiger]

totally agree with your "letting go with love"....when my ex asked for "time" due to way too many stressors in his life over a 6 month period, I told him to take all the time he needed, and as I got up off the couch to leave, told him the door was open and the light was on. And while I have not contacted him in the past 2 months, I don't think of it as NC, but as respecting and honoring the man and the relationship....because to repeatedly call or stop by doesn't honor his request.

 

I can't think of a more perfect way to handle a break up than this. Kudos!

[mhowe]

thanks TT ---- can't say that it's been fun, or easy, but time does wonders. +

[Tired Tiger]

An overdue bump, if only to add the drop of reason in a pool of chaos...