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Everything posted by Sim54

  1. Wiseman 2, thank you for your comments. I realise I come across as a total **** here. Honestly, I don't hate this woman. We both really like each other, and have struggled, over distance, to find a common ground. To be totally frank, when she denies things that she has done, it scares the bejessus out of me, and makes it very hard me to feel safe with her. I am hoping,when I move back next week, that we can start to spend some time together, gently, slowly, to build the foundation of a relationship. We have agreed for now to be 'just friends' knowing that we both want more, but to keep romance away, until we can get that sense of security down, or if not, walk away. I'm sorry I went on a rant, and yes, it's important that I learn to see her side of things, or at least try to understand why she doesn't remember doing things that I remember happening. I have an idea why she can't remember and I am sympathetic. Thanks again.
  2. Hmm, the problem is, her truth is false. She DID shout at me. That is something that actually happened. My truth is not what I believe, belief has nothing to do with it. I don't believe that she shouted at me, I know she did. She believes she didn't because she cannot face that she is an angry person. There is a difference. Of course it takes two people for a conflict to continue, but it only takes one to try to start one. When we had this conflict, I was trying to start a dialogue with her by sharing my anxiety with her in an non judgmental way, about her distancing from me. She responded by shouting at me and suggesting we break up. She doesn't want to face this reality as it is painful to her. At some point, if she wants to grow into a more adult person, she's going to have to learn to take responsibility for her actions.
  3. Wise words, thank you. You're right, I think we both can get very defensive, which is very hard to diffuse. But thank you, I will keep that in mind.
  4. Thanks for the speedy reply. There is a lot of back story and context. I would say we are complimentary opposites, which is to say, when it's good, it's all we could wish for, and when it's bad, it brings up very deeply buried stuff from childhood. Imago stuff. We've known each other for about 15 months, but mostly long distance. I'm moving back home, to wear she lives next Sat, so we will finally be in the same town, and I hope things will be better. We need some steady and stable stuff. We don't really argue at the moment, things have been very good for the last 2 months, better in fact than ever, which is why we are able to talk about the past without it turning into a fight. Today's talk was tough, but was very warm and friendly. It just touched on old stuff, and we discovered that we have very different memories about what happened.
  5. Hi all, I'm having an issue with my SO. She seems to be gas lighting me, albeit, perhaps not intentionally. She has just admitted today, that she can't remember things she says, when she is feeling vulnerable when she says them. This came up as 2 weeks ago, she admitted her part in damaging our relationship earlier this year, and mentioned that she saw how her behaviour was triggering me and she didn't blame me for what happened before (we broke up in June but are back talking trying to resolve it). I couldn't believe my ears when she said these wonderful things, I never thought she would take any responsibility for that. But today, she doesn't remember having said it. Not ten minutes later, the talk moved to when we broke up, which is a touchy subject. The day before we broke up, I had called her to try to talk with her about us, as she was getting distant again (a repeating pattern), and I tried to share my feelings with her without blaming her, but only trying to connect. I was very anxious when I started the conversation and I told her this. She immediately started shouting at me, saying we should stop seeing each other. I asked her to not threaten to break up with me just because we were having an uncomfortable conversation, and that that was mean. I tried to calm things down, but at some point she was shouting quite loudly, and I shouted back, just to get her to be quiet for a second, to calm things down and end the call (it was a phone convo). The next day, she asked me to not attack her like that, and then later that day she broke up with me. Fast forward to today, when I mentioned that she had actually shouted at me, and basically attacked me when I was vulnerable and trying to share my feelings, she insisted it didn't happen. She seemed shocked that even thought that, and said, in a genuinely scared voice that she was afraid to see we had such different views on what happened. She said she couldn't have shouted at me, as she isn't that kind of person. Ok, there is lot's of back story to this, there have been 4 or 5 bad arguments in the past, where I lost my temper and shouted at her. I have acknowledged this, been working on this with my therapist, and I have stopped allowing myself to even get close to losing my temper. My question: obviously, she has blocked out the memory of her shouting. I understand that to an extent, but she totally denies it could even happen. By insisting on my version of the story when she doesn't believe that happened, is that also gas lighting her in return? I mean,I know what the truth is, but if she honestly sees it differently, then what? She tried to say that my shouting at her was much worse, than what she 'might' have done, so therefore it wasn't shouting, or something. Very tricky. She has denied mean things she has done in the past, and I can see that she doesn't accept that she might have anger or meanness in her. There is probably a great deal of shame around this for her, hence her shutting it out. I do love her, but I worry that this will never change, and I will wear myself out just setting boundaries all the time. Thoughts?
  6. I realised that it was more important to take care of myself than to try to 'prove' something to her. In the end, our relationship was dysfunctional and I needed to get away from her, and her from me. So, that may be different to you. BUT, proving yourself to her will ONLY work if she is receptive. If she isn't, then it will slowly erode your self esteem and her respect for you. Right now, your ex sounds like she doesn't want you to love her. And that is the key. If she doesn't want you to love her then there is nothing you can do.
  7. Your situation is very similar to mine, all the same things, I was loving, there for her, etc, but in the end, i wasn't totally committed. If she says it doesn't feel right, then it doesn't feel right. Not much you can do about that. My ex told me that our relationship was tainted. She told me she still loved me but didn't want to come back. She is now living with another guy, and we have hardly spoken in nearly a year. That's the way it goes. Relationships are subtle, and feelings don't survive being neglected. You best thing you can do is accept what she says and go with that. Trying to prove yourself to her is only about how you feel, and not about how she feels.
  8. The important thing here is not how you feel, but how she feels. You say you love her, and that she is the most important person in your life, but your actions over the last year say the opposite. You haven't behaved like she is very important to you, so that's how she feels. The bottom line is her feelings have changed, and you can't do anything about that. You have 2 choices here: One is to chase her, and try to bring her around by demonstrating your love for her. The other is to accept that it is over, heal, and move on, and see what happens with her down the line. Sorry, but I think this one is over. I had a similar situation, and in the end she was too hurt to come back. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and her feelings changed. That's the way it goes when you don't commit yourself to the relationship, feelings slowly die, and they won't come back.
  9. I do think it's dangerous to generalise. Some women do, and they tend to be the more needy low self esteem ones. Others, and I know some, get and stay single until they meet a good guy, how ever long that takes. They don't NEED to have sex all the time.
  10. Totally agree! Tacs, you're still acting like you two are together, which is natural considering you are still close in some way, but that is clearly going to hinder not help you, move forward. A period of no contact is almost always needed to put time and space between a breakup, and in the end understanding will come when it's ready, on it's own, without her. And yes, I doubt she could put it in words, and certainly not any that would ultimately help you. You could easily become defensive and it would spiral out of control. Stick to the harder but more rewarding path of doing it alone. The easy, comfort route never gets you anyway. There is pain in growth. Try to relish it. It's a sign of good things.
  11. I agree it's a maturity thing, but I know a lot of guys who after a breakup stay single for much longer than their exe's who are quickly involved with another guy. There may be a number of factors to this. It does seem easier for a woman to get a guy than the other way around. But then again, perhaps it just the people I know. I know, and am, a 'nice guy' and we don't bounce back so easily. We also tend to date needy women who move quickly to someone else to heal from the break up. My last two exes are cases in point. I simply can't move on that quickly, and choose to heal slowly now. I don't want to sound 'women this, men that', because in the end, what matters most, as you pointed out, is emotional maturity, above all other things.
  12. In a nutshell, indulging in negative thoughts regarding your feelings is the opposite of actually just feeling them. What I do, if I find I'm ruminating on something or over thinking/obsessing is to find somewhere quiet and just sit down 'with myself'. Imagine that you are with someone else who needs some attention from you, only that person is you. You sit down, and you check in with your body. Apparently, that action of focusing your attention on your body engages some part of your brain which stops you obsessing. So, just sit, and see where the feeling is. Are you anxious in your chest, or nervous in your stomach, or heartbroken in your solar plexus, etc? Don't judge how you are feeling, just allow your attention to find the pain/sensation, and recognise it. You might say, 'on, my heart feels sore, i'm heartbroken' or something like that. Breath deeply and relax, feel your mind settle as you stop trying to run away from the feeling by 'out thinking' it. Try to find some peace and calm, so that even if you are physically in pain somewhere you don't freak out about it, but just accept it. Do this for a few minutes, and see how you feel afterwards. I have to say, that it's taken me a long time to get to this, and about a year of therapy. If you are in extreme pain, and can't handle it then I thoroughly recommend you find a therapist or professional to help with this work. There is nothing weak about that. It takes practise to be able to do this, and having someone guide you will help massively. Hope this helps. Ideally, if you can calm down in a few minutes from this, then you can get up and get on with your day. Far from being over indulgent, this actually allows your feelings to pass by rather than take over your whole life.
  13. Why do you think the police won't help you? What country are you in? Do they have a reputation for not helping rape victims? What did the people at A&E suggest you do when they saw you were being raped? There are support groups out there for rape victims. Here is a British support page: link removed And here is one in the US: link removed If you don't live in these countries then google rape support and call someone. You MUST get help for this. Being brave is not going to help heal you, although I commend you for it. You have my heartfelt love and sympathy. Simeon.
  14. I wish my ex thought like you. She just ran off with a young guy and shut me out. I know she was hurt, but really, I only seem to meet women who refuse to take any responsibility for their behaviour in their relationships. Well, i'm trying to better myself and wish I could let go of the hope that she will notice the change in me one day.
  15. Very wise and insightful of you. These are great realisations you are having. And yes, it will change your life. There is work to be done in uncovering all the layers of your own issues, but it can be done, and it's a great journey. Peace.
  16. Well, as far as I can see, it doesn't matter at all what she thinks about this, or whether she'll be understanding. It's your life, and you're free to do as you please. I doesn't sound like she's been accommodating of you. I can see you dillema though. It is catch 22 of sorts, except that the reality of seeing her out will be less than the anticipation, and by facing this, and dealing with it in an adult fashion, it should move you along a bit, and help you heal some more. I say go for it. if you find you really can't handle it, then stop for a while longer, but don't hold off out of fear of what MIGHT happen, or if it will set you back. You'll know soon enough if it's damaging or not.
  17. Well, as far as I can see, it doesn't matter at all what she thinks about this, or whether she'll be understanding. It's your life, and you're free to do as you please. I doesn't sound like she's been accommodating of you. I can see you dillema though. It is catch 22 of sorts, except that the reality of seeing her out will be less than the anticipation, and by facing this, and dealing with it in an adult fashion, it should move you along a bit, and help you heal some more. I say go for it. if you find you really can't handle it, then stop for a while longer, but don't hold off out of fear of what MIGHT happen, or if it will set you back. You'll know soon enough if it's damaging or not.
  18. Can I ask what it is that involves her and you seeing each other?
  19. I think something which people struggle with when talking about love, is the notion that love for another always includes love for oneself (at least healthy love does). So often when we think about love, it's always only about another, but it is truly impossible to love someone else if you don't already have love for oneself. When we focus on another to the exclusion of ourselves, then we effectively abandon ourselves and remove ourselves from the relationship (what ever that might be: lovers, friends, exe's, etc). It is that loss of self that causes the most pain, not the loss of the other. So, letting go with love doesn't mean feeling all gooey about your ex. You have every right to all your feelings, even in they're not justified. They're still your feelings and you ignore them at your peril. Letting go with love means allowing life to happen, to slowly release our iron grip on our expectations, to rage in private at our sense of injustice, then calm down and remind ourselves that everything is happening just as it should, to feel our feelings in a safe environment, and then let them go, and to always return to loving ourselves, and honouring ourselves. By doing so, then the love you still feel for your ex will continue to exist without stymieing your life. And you will slowly let go and move on. Exactly my point. You have lost part of yourself, and that is causing you resentment. Reclaim your life, and your resentment towards your ex will evaporate, as you will be too busy living your life to get so angry with someone who is no longer in it, to the large part. In case this all sounds really simplistic and easy for me to say, it has taken me over a year to reach this place of acceptance and love for myself and my ex. I have raged at her in private, wanted to ring and scream at her, have spent many hours in therapy ranting, and bargaining, and pleading with her and the world to give me what I want. But I never showed her one DROP of that. I dealt with it appropriately, and when I saw her randomly in the street after many months of silence we hugged and kissed each other in greeting. I am not bitter, nor jaded and have got myself and my life back. Don't fight your negative feelings, they are part of you, and you can no more cut off your leg cause you have a sore foot, than ignore and shut them out. Peace.
  20. For me, my depression was best summed up as feeling like I am wrapped up in clingfilm (shrink wrap). I can see the world, but I can't interact with it properly. But, after a year of analysis, i have pretty much beaten my depression. I have come to realise that depression is not an illness, and it isn't caused by low brain chemicals. Our neurotransmitters will become depleted by depression, that is a symptom, not the cause. Depression is a defence mechanism we learn when we are young, to shut out the world, when we can't cope, and if we don't have a strong sense of self, of our abilities and high self esteem, then we will sink into depression often. We must slowly learn to have a loving relationship with ourselves, and to process our wounded child in side us, to heal ourselves and climb out of the pit of depression. It can be done, i am living proof of it, and I have never taken medication. We must learn to face our demons, our fears and our pain, and to allow the depression to sink over us, so we can work through it, and come out the other side. peace.
  21. In addition to TT's post just above, I feel that a pretty good timeline for the kind of separation, healing and potential growth/change is about 18 months to 2+ years. I read somewhere that it takes approximately 18 months to heal from a trauma. And by heal, I mean for it to have no more lasting negative effects.I would say that that makes some sense. In any case, someone can be to all intents and purposes healed from a breakup and then have the wound re-opened by seeing/having contact with the ex. I kind of feel that as long as you are still 'planning' to get them back, then you're probably not separating enough for the moving forward/healing part. I say this from experience, as I'm still struggling to let go of hopes and dreams at 11 months. At the end of the day, the moment will present itself when the possibility of reconnecting is again on the cards. Based on experience and everything I've read so far on the internet, the single best bit of advice to anyone, is to give up, let go and move on! Ah, so easily said! Believe me, I'm struggling with it!
  22. This is simply a great thread. I've read it all today, and will keep an eye on it. TT, you write beautifully, succinctly and clearly. I've come over recently from a male only forum that preaches NC NC NC! After a time, and having moved on, I can see the folly in that. Although it's important to detach and separate, people get so hung up on NC as a means to get someone back, not seeing the bigger picture. After many months in the dark, i'm letting go my past, healing my wounded heart and for the first time in nearly 40 years I have experienced happiness for no other reason than being me and being alive. My ex wouldn't recognise me right now, but none of this is for her anyway. I can let go with love, and wish her well, and know that when I'm ready I'll give her a call and see how she's doing. When that will be, who knows, but I'll know when I'm ready. Awareness is really key. Once we become aware of ourselves, and what is REALLY going on underneath, then life starts to go a little smoother no? Peace to you all. Sim
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