It can happen if you really get your act together

[Tired Tiger]

Trek:

 

This...

 

...it boils down to the fact that i have issues of my own that i never properly dealt with after a break up 5 years ago.

 

...is really the proper direction to focus your mental energy, as opposed to trying to decipher hidden meaning in her message(s) or devising reasoning to contact her. The silver lining in the dark cloud of a break up is that you're given an opportunity to learn and grow on a personal level. This is near impossible to accomplish in any meaningful way without detaching. If you're still looking for ways to analyze her, and expending any energy trying to manipulate the short term circumstances, then you're still attached. If you're still attached, you can't properly heal, learn and grow.

 

It seems like a paradox, but the path to getting back together isn't by setting the goal for that outcome, but to the opposite. Embrace the time and space as a personal vehicle to a better place than you've ever been, independent of any need for validation from one particular person. Accomplish this, and everything else to do with relationships (with the ex or anyone else) will be a thousand times easier.

[Trek]

Thanks for the tip. So you're not only telling me to detach myself from her, and from these scars from the past. But to also work on myself without the goal of getting back together with her sitting in the back of my mind? It's been hard enough to detach myself from her life. I still check her friend's facebook pages to see if i cant find something, anything to make me feel better, but im left with emptiness. I still sign on our games to see if she's playing, and she always is. I slap myself on the head and ask myself "Why do i do this? Nothing good can come out of this sort of neurotic behavior."

 

I dunno, my situation has left me so empty and confused. One part of me wants to continue talking to her to show her that im willing to fight, but another part is telling me to just let go, and once you can finally accomplish that, she will be back in to your life before you know it.

[SA2000]

Trek:

 

It seems like a paradox, but the path to getting back together isn't by setting the goal for that outcome, but to the opposite. Embrace the time and space as a personal vehicle to a better place than you've ever been, independent of any need for validation from one particular person. Accomplish this, and everything else to do with relationships (with the ex or anyone else) will be a thousand times easier.

 

I enjoy this thread and what is said here. Good point.

[Tired Tiger]

* BUMP * for the newbies.

[kuteknish]

I like this thread...

[90_hour_sleep]

i think we all like this thread. it's given many of us some hope, when all hope was gone. but more importantly, it helps point us in the right direction for ourselves. sure, there's usually the 'other' that is adding to our motivation...but sooner or later, that becomes irrelevant...and we discover that we're okay on our own. we say goodbye to the painful attachment to what was formerly the one and only outcome. happy healing!!!

[Tired Tiger]

but more importantly, it helps point us in the right direction for ourselves.

 

It's interesting, though, that some have mentioned that it took a couple of reads or a re-visit to this thread after time in order for it to become apparent what that direction is. It probably doesn't make much sense to most within the first few months (and for some - much longer than that) after their breakup. But, when one finally tires of the draining and irrational noise (Facebook, text deciphering, acting, manipulating, waiting, etc), they'll be ready for this direction. Getting yourself back, and improving beyond that. Why would anyone wish any less for themselves?

 

Plus, it really does relate to creating the best scenario for possible reconciliation. At least for myself, but that's an update for another day.

[LynnA]

This thread is quite healing. I felt better while reading it and it was almost like an answer to all my questions of "how to proceed at this point?"

 

I agree that whatever works for the person who needs the healing is the best path, for them and them alone. It does not matter what the circumstances are. No two relationships are alike. The point is you can't waste your time of living in "negative town" whatever the reason. And sure, you can hope they will come back, but they may not and then what are you left with then. Just you.

 

You kind of have to figure it out at some point, might as well be sooner rather than later. And if they come back, well, thats an added bonus, thats all.

 

I heard this quote once and its simple but I think so true.

 

"People will do what they want to do and they won't do what they don't want to do"

 

You just can't make someone do anything you want. And you can't "hope" it into happening. So why not just do what you want to do. Simply for the sake of yourself.

 

Thats where your hope should lie. In yourself.

[kuteknish]

Tired Tiger... let's hear your story!

[bungalo]

It is win-win, getting yourself back. I do have to wonder about the "window of opportunity" with a recon though. It seems to me that no matter how much self-improvement the dumpee has done, at some point the dumper is just done. Although, I've thought this about my ex (2 times!) and we've reconed...only to split again...

[90_hour_sleep]

 

 

well said. so inspiring to hear of people doing just that...relinquishing the hold of hope based on another...and allowing it to be replaced with something more open. letting go...accepting an end.

[LynnA]

Thanks 90. I'm working on it. I have not moved on yet. I recognize that, but I consider it (moving on) that is. I am starting to think that, like stages of grief, moving on has stages too. It's not something that seems to just happen when you wake up one day. Although when it does happen it can feel that way.

 

I mean, do you think we would all be here if there were not stages to it? If it just happened, we would all be talking about something else and this hurtful state most of us are in wouldn't even exist.

 

That would be nice. Lets all ponder that for a second.....Ahhh, no pain from ex....... How nice.

 

Now back to the pain. Arrgghhhhh!

 

Lets not paint the pretty picture. Moving on is really, really hard stuff.

 

I'll tell you a story. When I was 22 years old I met and was with, for a short period of time, the LOVE of my life. It was the most fabulous feeling in the ENTIRE world. This was the start of my life, we would marry and build a beautiful life together. And that was that, mutual on both sides, you could not have been more in love than us. There was just no way. Even his friends and family, as well as mine, could see it and comment on it. It was PERFECTLY PERFECT.

 

Now you all think I am going to say that we broke up and I had to move on, but nooooo.

 

What happened was, he died suddenly in a boating accident. One day here, next day gone. Talk about shattered! I never contemplated suicide ever, until this moment. I struggled from the depths so deep that over 23 years later, which is today, I still feel the pain from this. I never in the entire time that I grieved him thought I could ever get over this, never, ever ever. But somehow I picked myself up, got better and met and married someone, had children, built a life, stayed together fourteen years and then divorced. It was mutual in a way, so the pain from that divorce was not as horrible as the death of my old love. I made it through.

 

And here comes the point: After my divorce I became involved with someone that had been a family friend for many years. We feel in love, it was wonderful. We were together almost five years and then it ended. Horribly. I was back in the depths again. I kept comparing it to the death of my love from years ago because it felt even worse.

 

What kept me going through moving on was the fact that if I could overcome that death 20 years earlier, then I knew inside myself I HAD the strength to move on from this pain.

 

And I believe we all have the fortitude in us. We do. We may never get in touch with it directly, but it is there. Have faith in this, really, have faith in this. When I had to recover from the death of my love, at 22, I had nothing to look back on that would help me realize that I was that strong and could do it. I had nothing to rely on, that I had that kind of strength. And sometimes even when you do have experience with it, the feeling is still so bad that you can't seem to put your finger on where your strength is.

 

But trust me, its there. Keep doing what you have to do to find it within yourself. You will, you can!

[Tired Tiger]

And I believe we all have the fortitude in us. We do. We may never get in touch with it directly, but it is there.

 

A good post with relevant wisdom, Lynn. I believe it's easier (relatively speaking) to find that fortitude if the elevated levels of mental/emotional energy associated with a break up are consciously redirected to healing and self-improvement.

 

I joined eNA about 20 months ago, during the initial phase of the break up. We did attempt a reconciliation at about 6 months, but it was too soon for both of us. After that, as frustrating as it was, I focused on letting go of several things - not just her and the relationship. I let go of any resentment and negativity, and strengthened my personal confidence and independence. Now, here is where the reader asks, "okay, but isn't that about healing and moving on? What about getting back together?" Well, we are back together, and have embarked on a new relationship that shows great promise. Letting go and reuniting aren't the paradox that our emotions lead us to believe...

[SethSLC]

Letting go and reuniting aren't the paradox that our emotions lead us to believe...

 

This probably can't be stressed enough.

 

It also ties directly in with what Lynn said above you, in that if you really think about it it isn't so terrible that you break up with someone you love. We are not all knowing, and there isn't single one of us that can say with any certainty what the future holds for us, but there is one thing we can all be certain of...if you and your ex are alive then that is something to be thankful for. They could have been taken like in Lynn's story in which case there can be no reunion. If two people are still alive then there is always the possibility of reconnecting.

 

So pick yourself up when you can, dust yourself off, make yourself a better and stronger person, learn from your past, and try to let go of past loves WITH love.

[90_hour_sleep]

that fits perfectly with the theme of this thread!! ideally...it seems to be something that we could all learn to strive for. shows a definite kind of growth to have come to that point...one that allows us to move forward...to be truly okay with whatever life brings.

 

 

 

glad to hear of the development in your story TT. so many stories here...so often we hear of people reconnecting...only to find themselves slipping back into the old patterns. seems like the more the process repeats itself, the more confusing and frustrating it becomes. hope the two of you continue to grow together.

 

here's to letting go...and reuniting...in love.

[Tired Tiger]

I'm acutely aware of the tendency for many reunions to develop into a repetitious and dysfunctional nightmare. It's also true that life carries no guarantees and nothing can be taken for granted. What we can do is create the best set of circumstances for ourselves by, well... what we've been discussing in this thread from the start. We're at this point now because both of us have used the state of autonomy to become stronger and more aware individuals, which I suspect was supplemented by the subconscious desire to reconcile without repeating prior mistakes.

 

The key is to focus the emotional energy to yourself. That can't be repeated enough times. Let go with love. Let go of the the negativity and self depricating behavior. Let yourself be you again. Learn these concepts, and you'll not only create your own portion of the best possible scenario, you'll begin to see how self-defeating it is to be obsessed with things that ultimately only make you feel bad and keep you stuck. No successful reconciliation has ever been the result of the deciphering of a text or 'Facebook' drivel. It's not about birthdays and holidays, and not about moral outrage or "acting" a certain way. All these things are just symptoms of being stuck.

 

You'll never get your ex back if you don't get yourself back first.

[kuteknish]

[quote=Let yourself be you again. Learn these concepts, and you'll not only create your own portion of the best possible scenario, you'll begin to see how self-defeating it is to be obsessed with things that ultimately only make you feel bad and keep you stuck. No successful reconciliation has ever been the result of the deciphering of a text or 'Facebook' drivel. It's not about birthdays and holidays, and not about moral outrage or "acting" a certain way. All these things are just symptoms of being stuck.

 

You'll never get your ex back if you don't get yourself back first.

 

I like it... very true.. I am trying to live this now.

[askltk]

*Bump*

 

As one of the newbies who hasnt gone NC, this really is worth reading (more than once as ive found) for anyone. Thanks to OP and TT for the wise words.

[bungalo]

Bumpity bump bump santas on his way

[Destiny2112]

GREAT GREAT thread!!! So much wisdom in it! One of the best threads here on ENA!!!

[MeticulousMan]

Definitely one of the best threads I have read on ENA. Reading through the arguments made by the posters at the start of the thread, and reasoning through them , has really helped me to reach a whole new conclusion on things : )

[TryingToWork]

My first reaction when I found this thread was..WOW!!!!... I'm not going crazy! thanks jasper and Tiger I stumbled on Al Turtle's site when I was googling for relationship advice and after finished reading John Gray's Book "women from venus men from mars"... John Gray provided some useful facts in his book in describing how women and men typically are, but I believe there are more in-depth issues lying there...and I kind of agree with Al and the lizard brain theory where if its not safe people wouldnt share and childhood experiences play quite important role...especially society dictates the norm.

 

I also believe that everyone is born with our own version of Fairytale or the Biological Dream as Al puts it. However I think that sometimes it maybe "asleep" in some people.

 

I am the eldest son in the family and I have one brother and one sister. During my years of growing up, My Dad was killed in a motorbike accident when I was 15, and I still can recall the look on my Mum's face, she was devastated and told me "how am I going to do this? with three kids". I was in junior High school then, I can also recalled the moment I told myself and my mum that I am willing to give up school and find a job to help out. From that moment on, I guess that I feel responsible for my loved ones problems and my lizard brain is active and would "freeze" waiting for someone to help me out. Few years after my Dad passed away, My Aunt decided to bring me to live with her, she doesn't have any kids of her own, and she is the old-fashioned kind of person. During my stay there she used to make every decision for me, what food to eat, what clothes to wear...That makes me indecisive in lots of ways.

 

In my last relationship before this one, well to cut the story short, my ex cheated on me, so that's a no go zone for me! gone NC and never looked back...

 

This week my GF broke up with me on Sunday and I lost my job on Wednesday, and I need to move house in the next couple of weeks! what a crazy situations! well, the way I see it this is the best time for 3 things:

1. Time for self reflection, to identify which areas I am blinded to that leads my GF to broke up with me and work on them. and make peace with myself.

2. Time to find out what I want in life, or at least what I want from a girl.

3. To see who are my real friends, which I am lucky enough to have few supporting ones.

 

As for NC, she txt me that she doesn't wish to see me or speak to me, and managed to get through 3 days of NC until she txt me, I replied in short sentences. as for NC I guess I don't fully believe it, but that also depends on the situation and the person. However I don't wanna close any door.

 

and I believe most people who comes to this site are the ones who trying to find the answers...I think that the answers lie within ourselves and as Al puts it "Being stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing will, probably lead back to the leaving problem. Being stubborn about learning to do new things seems to be the only path."

 

and I think that this link link removed applies to my case the most.

[resilient7]

really good thread

[askltk]

This is one of the great simplistic myths that permeates this board. This is exactly the kind of thing, I suspect, that the original poster was referring to.

 

Agreed. From what I've learnt over the past few months is everything is never as it seems, for the positive of negative. My ex "walked" away, but continues to contact me on a daily basis. Things arent as black and white as they seem.

 

Also another bump

[user121210]

Very good read. Makes me see things with a different perspective and learn new concepts along the way!

 

***bump***