SethSLC

I have no reason to come here except I'm up late and bored but I thought I could come here and share something to help others... I came to this site many, many years ago after the breakup of the first real long, deep relationship I had. After a long time and many posts (and some new friends in real life made from here!!) I never got back with her, and it was for the best. Fast forward years to last fall and I went through my second breakup of a real and deep relationship. This one was easier to handle, either because I had grown, or simply because practice makes perfect. So I didn't make most of the same bonehead mistakes I made after the first one. I did what you're supposed to. I reflected for weeks, found the things I wanted to be better at, and worked on that. Few months passed and we talked. Then that led to us talking in person. Which led to giving it another try. We've been together for 5 months now, and we're better. We both are different. Will it last? Who knows.

Something that really helps is to have someone who you can talk out loud with. Someone who is willing to listen and just let you vent. I found that if you simply say all the jumbled garbage in your head out loud to another human it helps tremendously. You don't need or want feedback, just to verbalize the garbage spinning wildly in your brain. It really helps.

No you can't win anyone back. If someone wants to be with you they will make the choice to do so. If we don't have romantic love towards someone there is nothing that can be done to change that except time. This isn't Hollywood or some movie or tv show. Life just doesn't generally work that way. You have been doing good so far, just focus on staying occupied and taking one hour at a time. Moving on does NOT mean you have to stop loving someone, it means you need to change how you love them. Put it away in a mental box for now. Don't keep taking it out to play with all the time just leave it on a mental shelf. If you TRULY love someone then you should be capable of loving them without expecting or needing anything in return. Don't give up on your journey of healing, it really DOES get easier. Each day that you stay occupied mentally and physically takes you one step closer to being in a place where you're ok with being alone and your heart is whole again. Then you're ready to take that box off the shelf and look at it.

Stay strong and keep going. He deleted them because looking at pictures or seeing an ex's picture hurts. Even for the person who left. They're in pain just like the person who got dumped most of the time and are trying to remove things that when seen cause pain. Don't spend much time thinking about the "why" of social media. That is purely your anxiety making assumptions about the "why" which you'll never know so DON'T waste time trying to figure it out.

No. Just don't E-Stalk through social media, don't message, just take time to heal and realize that it's ok to be alone. Learn that through and through. Take comfort in the hope that if it's meant to be it will be just like you said. Then just take one hour at a time and try to stay occupied to prevent your anxiety and heartache causing you to keep reaching out. A single comment like you said is just fine, but leave it at that.

First time to this sub-forum. I usually spend my time reading the Getting Back Together section, but I'm trying to convince myself to stop being in love with someone who right now isn't ready. So with that in mind I think I'm going to start living in this forum instead

You know, I know this post is really really REALLY old, but there is so much wisdom in it that I wanted to bring it out for newer people to see. I think many times in a relationship one side often does more of the work in the beginning and the other sits back to enjoy the fruits of the others labor, only to wind up having that other person feel taken for granted. I think people should be aware of this going into any new relationships from the get go. But the most important part of this guys post was the last bit and I hope others really take it to heart. If you start the ball rolling and the timing is wrong, then back off and leave it be until such time as the timing is right for them. I think in the long run you'll be happier you were able to back off than if you can't.

I disagree. Respond with an email that says the exact same thing. "Heya". That's all.

Well done Kid. You and I joined around the same time and I remember watching you go through the same stuff I did. I'm happy for you and hope it works out for the best man

Thats a good question. She said last week that we're casually dating. It was a strange feeling that I got when I heard her say that, almost like that feeling you get when you have second thoughts after a decision or "buyers remorse". Overall I would say that we're doing good but as to whether or not we'll last that is another story. I knew from the beginning that in order for a true reconciliation to take place a lot of things had to go right with many bridges crossed, and many demons exercised. I don't know that I can forgive her for what took place however so in the end this may not work because I choose something different. Like has been said many times on here before, if you really honestly change yourself and your mindset you will often get a second chance, but when that chance comes you find it might not be what you really want after all. So for now I enjoy dating her, and things are going well, but in the future who knows. The thing is... I changed and so I'm okay with the possibility of not being with her

Absolutely agree. This really is the only way you're going to be with someone who you were with previously. It isn't something you can just say you're doing either, and no one can tell you how to do it, if it is going to happen (the mindset) then it kind of just happens on its own.

It was. There was a period last spring, the big fight I mentioned where she stayed at some friends house for a few days and when we were at dinner talking about things the words "Breakup" came up and I said "Fine" and walked out and 2 minutes later (by the time I got to my car) I appologized and said that wasn't what i had meant so I guess you could count those 3 minutes as the first breakup.

Umm 7 months give or take

Ok so lets see if I can do this without deleting what I type this time... Background: My ex and I started dating about 6 years ago. We met online through Everquest, and had known each other off and on through the game for a year or two. She was 19 and 1/2 at the time and I was 26. She lived in Cali and I lived in Utah. We spent the first year of the relationship long distance before she moved out here to go to school. For the first 6 months of living here she lived in the dorms before we moved in together. We then spent the next 4 years living together with the last 2 of which we had become engaged. The Problems (shortened up): Soon after she moved here one of my best friends at the time didn't have anyone else to hang out with so he hung out with us a lot. I had gotten out of a long relationship (6 years) where my ex had cheated on me a bunch. Well at first I didn't have any issues or jealousy and was totally fine, and even encouraged my girlfriend and my friend to hang out when I wasn't around because I figured neither one of them had anyone else and this would help her meet new friends. Long story short my best friend fell in love with her and tried everything he could do to try and steal her. She had none of it, but it put a serious strain on our relationship. He was no longer my friend from that point on and I didn't really see him for a few years until our other best friend moved back into town and by association we started running into each other again. The next few years went great for the most part, it took me about a year to get past the jealousy thing, but up til that point it did cause some arguments. So over the course of the next few years I became stuck in my routine between work and school. I didn't realize it at the time but the stress was really getting to me and causing me to become less focused on anything other than my routine. That isn't an excuse just an explanation. During this time we would argue about every 3 - 6 months, and it would last a day or so. To me I grew up with that kind of stuff having lots of siblings and friends that we would get into it with so it wasn't that big of a deal. You argue / fight. Work it out and move on. For her it was different. She is an only child and says that her parents never argued once in her life so to her it was a huge deal to argue. She came to feel like we would always repeat the cycle of a large argument every few months and it started to really get to her. To go along with that I stopped showing her as much physical attention as I used to in the beginning. I stopped doing a lot of the little things that you do often in the beginning. I told her I loved her daily multiple times a day and I meant it which for me was showing her I loved her. For her though she is the type that needs to be shown and so she began to feel like I wasn't attracted to her anymore. She began to feel on some level that I didn't love her anymore. You see I learned since the breakup many things, but chief among them is that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens out of the blue and that if your partner doesn't hear it then it doesn't count as you having said it. So while I was telling her I loved her she wasn't "hearing" it. We both failed in the communication aspect of relationships. Both learning to truly hear what your partner is feeling and saying, and to be able to truly communicate in a way your partner can hear YOU. So last spring we had a huge fight and it was at the point where she said we need help. We need counseling. I am a very very normal person and figured that I didn't really need counseling given that we're both smart we should simply be able to tell the other person what is bothering us and stop doing it. If only it was that simple... You see we aren't taught the skills needed to be able to make a relationship last as we grow up. We aren't taught the communication skills needed. I agreed to go to a single session, but due to a schedule conflict from the counselor we never ended up going. We spent the summer having what I thought was a great time and things were happy or so it seemed. Then at the end of August one morning a simple comment turned into her getting defensive and snapping a word or 2 at me which caused me to snap back at her. Nothing big, just something like "I don't need your attitude right now." So we go do our separate errands that day and I'm home doing homework while she's out. She comes back later that evening and walks in and simply says "I'm done. I don't want to try anymore." I of course panic, and try and talk to her but she had none of it. So we breakup. I spent the next few weeks trying to work things out and talk to her but she had her mind made up. I had begun counseling and realized that I wasn't doing it for her but was doing it for me. I was going weekly for the first few months and I began to learn things. I spent many nights reading Al Turtle, reading here, and evaluating my relationship and other ones. I decided the things I no longer wanted to do in my life when it came to relationships and I changed them. It was, and always will be, a constant mindset to keep up with those changes but I haven't slacked off. Sure I take some steps back but I worked really hard for months on making those changes stick and I haven't stopped yet and I won't ever stop. That is very important. Since she and I also work together it made my life pretty difficult. I was still in love with her, but I became able to take that love I felt, accept it for what it was, and put it away. I accepted the breakup. I accepted her reasons behind it. I accepted being alone. I began to become Okay with being alone and started enjoying my life again. During this time, I would say about a month or so after the breakup, I went strict no contact even at work. She would say hi or something to me at work and I would just walk away and go back to what I was doing. This went on for about 3-4 months. Then about 2 weeks before Christmas vacation, where we were going on our own vacations, our work decided to do a potluck dinner. There was a moment of choosing what to bring that caused she and I to have to talk. I tried to be nice and stuff but she was really pissed at me for ignoring her for months. She snapped at me and asked if I liked that kind of communication, and couldn't we at least be civil at work? I thought about it that night and responded the next day after realizing that indeed I did feel better when I was talking to her. That I didn't have the knots in my stomach when I saw her if I was trying to be friendly. So I said "Hi" and smiled at her. The next day I said a few more words. The next day even more. This carried on so on and so forth for the next 2 weeks. To the point that the final day we were at work before leaving on vacation we hung out in my cubicle chit chatting for a few hours. She had mentioned she wanted to get my girls something for Christmas but didn't know if it was okay. I told her if she wanted to get them something then that meant it was okay by me. So for the first time that evening we started texting outside of work. Only about the girls gifts but it was a start. So while on vacation the texting continued and started growing in the same way that the work conversations and interactions had grown. To the point that we were texting all day long most days, and she was initiating about 1/3 to 1/2 of it. During this time I was snowboarding a lot, something I had always wanted to do over the years but had never gotten off my ass to start doing it (hi hi stuck in routine remember??) and 2 years ago I had bought her all new gear but it sat in the closet all that time. This was a big issue with her, that she felt like we never did things like that and she wanted to learn. I grew up in the mountains and had done that stuff all my life, while she was a San Diego girl and never had but wanted to start doing things like that and camping and hiking. She felt like we never did anything. So I was sending pictures of snowboarding and stuff, you know a little teasing etc, and told her I'd take her one day if she wanted. So Christmas day comes and I get a message "You've given me a lot to think about this week...." and I reply nonchalant "Thinking is good but not while driving the canyons on I-70!" ( I was trying not to kill me and my sister while driving and texting). Things carried on like this for the whole vacation, where she was even saying goodnight every day, and started rarely using a couple of old nicnames. So I came home earlier than she did and things kept going on like they had been. Much texting back and forth. Up until she came home. Then the communication outside of work died for a while. But at work, the first day back together was a little awkward, but after that things picked up where they had left off before we had left. The interaction started growing again at work, and the communication outside of work started picking back up. So a week passes and I mention snowboarding and my offer to take her (she hesitates and doesn't want to do anything together alone outside of work) and I pick up on all that, and shrug it off. You see I had taken months to heal. I used that time to truly, TRULY, let go and accept things. I changed myself and my outlook on life back to what it used to be when I was happiest but with some needed improvements. So it really didn't bug me at all if she ever took me up on my offer. I had moved on. Because you see you CAN move on and grow up while still being in love. Love doesn't have to be a two way street. You simply have to accept that you love someone and that is the end of it. You don't have to act on it or do anything about it. I loved her but didn't need her. I loved her but didn't expect anything from her because of it. So a day passes and she tells me about 2 for 1 night skiing ( I already know all about it ) but I'm like sure we can do that. She agrees and then right away asks "Do you think we're moving too fast?! Being alone together?" I said no, because there are no expectations. I assumed, probably rightfully so, that she was only asking as a "I only want to be friends" sort of way. So we go riding and it was awesome. We both had a blast and right away she says she wants to go again. I tell her sure, we can go next week if you want and she did want to. I get home and start posting the pictures (I've been doing that to keep track of all my snowboarding adventures this year) on Facebook. I notice on my wall a status post of hers which really puzzles me because we're not friends, and haven't been in months so I shouldn't see her stuff... I realized that it's because all my friends are posting on it which is why its there. It reads " * * * * love. * * * * relationships. All I ever do is hurt people". I was finding this truly odd thing to post but figured it had something to do with the person she was dating or whatever. I shrug it off because really who cares? It wasn't any of my business and I go to bed without another thought to it. So a day passes and I get a message from her about a basketball game with 2 tickets on sale, I say sure sounds great. Then I get the email with the coupon offer in it and misunderstand thinking she was simply offering me the coupon but hadn't offered that WE go together. It was late and I didn't talk to her about it until the next morning by which time the coupon had expired. I come to find out she had wanted us to go together but it was too late now. Oh well I figured maybe next time. So the next week at work things pick up and we start getting coffee together. I start telling her I'm going to lunch do you want to go? And vice versa. Basically we start hanging out a lot at work just us two. The communication outside of work has really picked up. That weekend is a birthday party for a friend of ours. She is more friends with the girl than I was and so it was no surprise that my ex got the invite and I didn't because the girl didn't know if we could be okay being at the same party together. That night came and I was going with my other friends to that party but they stopped responding for about 4 hours so I figure "Eh maybe I'll just kick it at home tonight no biggy" and she asks me what I'm doing. I say I don't know yet, and she says "Lets go do something, is there a Jazz game on?" I said yes but it's nearly over. She mentions the party and I said maybe. She said lets go. I'll meet you there. I said sure, and I ended up hooking up with my friends and catching a ride right after that call. So we are there and she doesn't know many of the people, and I do but so she hangs out with those she does which includes me. The night passes and its pretty fun, a little awkward around each other but not too bad. She starts getting really tired, and doesn't know anyone now and wants to go home, but I can't bail because I came with other people. She ends up staying on her own to hang out long past where she was comfortable, which I thought was very nice of her and I did notice. So we are chatting on text over the rest of that weekend and the conversation tries to turn a little serious on its own. I tell her I would prefer not to talk about it because when we do it will change things and we'll basically go our separate ways. I knew from the beginning once I realized I still loved her that I would never be okay with just friends. That at some point I would want to walk away. For now I was enjoying what I was doing, and figured that life would work itself out on its own anyways so why rush it by talking about stuff?? She agreed. So we go riding later that week and have another great time. After we get done on the slopes again somehow the conversation started getting a little more serious and she hinted at "Friends" thing and I told her look "If you really want to do this we can, and I'll say what I have to say but then we're going our separate ways" She was like "No!! Okay lets not talk about it!" So it dropped and we went back to having a great time and laughing. So the next weekend comes and I'm trying to pull back from her some just because. She pushes forward a little to fill the gap. So I say to her "What are we doing tonight?" She says "Umm...we..?? I'm making dinner for my roomate.." I said "Shrug was just a thought. talk to ya later~" and left it at that and went happily about the rest of my day. Later on I get a message from her which at first looks ominous... "So umm..." (never a good sign) "Ive made an executive decision. No more being nervous. When are you free tonight??" I told her I was free later after dropping the girls off and I'd let her know. So I did and right away she says meet me at this bar, so I do. We end up talking and playing Go Fish! at the bar for hours. The conversation actually turned serious and we kind of let it. All this time there is a "Giant pink rhino" as she calls it in the room. Well it wasn't talked about at the bar but was afterwards. Come to find out that she's got feelings for me but that she's ungodly scared of being hurt. I told her sure thats understandable and you know I would think I'm scared of that same thing. So we agreed to take things very slowly and let Life take its course. And that's where we stand. We are taking things very slowly, we're hanging out and dating again. Will it work? Beats me. Does it matter? Nope not in the least. You see that is the beauty of growing up. You come to accept things for what they are and instead of trying to change them or worry about them all the time you simply enjoy them for what they are. I enjoy the fact that I love her for what it is, but I don't need to do anything about it. I don't have to think about it. I don't worry about whether or not it will work out. Of course I would be sad if it didn't work out, but you can be sad and still be okay. Acceptance and no expectations are a beautiful thing. They free you up to enjoy your life. Whew... So I left a bunch of details out but that is the summary basically.

My fingers really hurt atm now =/

omg I posted like...45 min worth of typing and hit the wrong button and lost it all. I'll redo it tomorrow at work

My Ex and I are dating again

It applies to us too ;P

Usually the person who was left spends the first month or weeks continuing to push, and this causes the dumper to reinforce the negative memories of the relationship. After a while, usually a month or so, the dumpee will stop pushing and let things go. Then a couple more months starts to pass and during that time of no pushing the dumper's negative memories start to fade and during alone time they will begin to remember some of the positives. It's been 5 months or so for me and my Ex and I this past week have gotten along really well (we work together so didn't have a chance for distance and space) to the point where we are chatting almost like the old days, laughing and bantering back and forth. So given personal experience the numbers really do fit.

This needs to be bolded.

Stay strong, you will get there. This whole "trial" we go through during a breakup is about learning patience and newfound inner strength. You are doing great so far

They will break NC many times. Each time they do you have to try and not respond unless its a very short, non committal response. It's hard to judge why he said what he said. The only person who knows why is him. I would try hard to not let your mind start asking questions about it, don't worry about it, because nothing you think of or worry about will do you any good, nor will it have any affect except to make your mind go nuts.

Broken up for 2 months. Tried to be an adult and be kind and friendly towards her since we work together (still will since work is work). But she would flip 180 degree turns every few days of doing positive things towards reconciliation and pushing me away. So...enough is enough. I understand she's confused and trying to find out who she is and what she wants but I no longer want her. I still love her, but I don't want to be with her anymore. So it's officially Day 1 for me~