Jump to content

askltk

Silver Member
  • Posts

    766
  • Joined

askltk's Achievements

Rising Star

Rising Star (9/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Posting Machine Rare
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done

Recent Badges

10

Reputation

  1. So much for that! I took advice from an external source about my personal situation and he suggested that due to the lack of animosity in our breakup - a Merry Christmas message was of little harm. I messaged her and got an almost instant reply - which was receptive and positive. I responded an hour later, reaffirming my best wishes. I didn’t ask any questions because I didn’t want to get into a text chat. So much so, she’s read it but hasn’t replied. I feel ok about it, I had nothing to lose and it was well received.
  2. And....re-start the NC clock. It had been a total 37 Days NC from 18th November. I broke it with the cliche Merry Christmas message - and do you know what, I feel fine about it. The build up of Christmas wad difficult but I had a great bunch of friends and family around to focus on. I reached out to a netutral friend who had experience in dating advice regarding my situation (as per my OP). On analysis he noted a couple of key things that I hadn’t considered: 1) My starting of the break up neturlised its impact 2) This was very much a personal issue for her and there wasn’t any animosity when we spilt 3) There isn’t any power dynamic (dumped vs dumper). His advice was that I could message an iteration of “Merry Christmas and hope you’re doing well”. I’d convinced myself I wasn’t going to over the last week, however talking this through I felt like I wanted to. So that’s what I did - I broke NC with a someonewhat more personal version of the message above. Wished her a Merry Christmas, hope she was doing well and was enjoying her break (from her stressful job). I also said best wishes to the family. It was read and responded to almost instantly and had been well received. She wished the same, made a joke and was genuinely upbeat. She was away with the family and enjoying the escapism. I responded an hour or so later in a similar fashion, told her to enjoy her escape and time with the family and left it that. I didn’t ask any questions to keep the conversation going, and as such has been read but not replied to. I didn’t want to get into a text chat over Christmas. The balls in her court now. I’m back into NC and I don’t feel any worse for breaking it as I had little to lose.
  3. Thanks Carus, jumping over from the other thread and you've effectively answered my Xmas query. I do want her back, and as such I won't be breaking NC - for all those reasons you've noted. I would want a reaction. I would want to hear from her. It would cause anxiety checking the phone throughout the day and not focusing on my family. Merry Christmas
  4. The Dating Guy's recent post about Dan Bacon - I may know very little about getting my Ex back (hence why I'm on the forum), but if that video is a snippet into the content that certain "gurus" roll out I'd be highly offended. I think everyone here is looking for an answer / quick fix / formula to getting back with their Ex - and that content prys on all our insecurities / desperation. One thing I also like about that channel is there is an honesty in what he says about mentally feeding your mind with that type of content. The safety net of going on youtube and searching "Ex Back" / "NC EX" / "Ex Miss You" just programmes you mind to focus on these strategies / tips / plans that are easily repeatable and watchable rather than actually getting on with moving on. You keep bring your Ex into you mind and makes the whole process worse. He's said in a number of videos that after a while, you should just stop watching his and other's videos like it because it's counter productive. You know the content (NC / Focus on you etc..) so stop looking for answers. I know I've been guilty of that over that over the last few weeks. His latest video actually recommends getting off youtube over the Holidays. Give your mind a break from chasing you ex (subconsciously) and just enjoy time with friends and family. I'm taking a reprieve from advice channels for now - I'm 36 odd Days NC with no hint of reach out from either direction and know that I'm going to be tempted to break it over the coming days. If I keep watching this type of content, I know I'll find a channel that will give the wrong advice and advise breaking NC and wishing her and her family Merry Christmas is a positive thing to do.
  5. I’ve been following The Dating Guy - mainly due to over exposure of other “experts” videos. It was a YouTube recommendation. It’s a refreshing outlook on the more well known channels. The humour is likeable but more so the commentary does make sense. When he re-reads the “advice” of others, it does sound completely irrational. The “break NC with a memory of a walk through a park” had me in stitches. He’s also honest when he says some of the advice is actually worthwhile. The experts are ultimately prying on the desperation we all feel when we try to get an ex back. “How much is it worth to you to get them back?” is the usual tag line. If it gives some form of comfort, it maybe worth it. I can’t imagine there is much variety between generic PDFs. But a lot of advice, the dating guy included, is free and easily relatable. What I’ve found scouring videos is one constant - NC post break up. The time frame varies (30/45/60/Never) - tbh I don’t feel like there’s a specific time. Im leaning towards the latter right now - but the desire to reach out is real.
  6. Day 29 – the elusive day 30 is on the horizon. Well, it actually makes zero difference how long it’s been, I’m not following a plan / advice that means I’d reach out after a certain period. NC is a mature response to her request for space. I’m at the point where I’m starting to get dumpers remorse – even though she ultimately decided to end it. I started the ball rolling with the offer of space – and yet I’m questioning what would have happened if I just left it? I wasn’t happy with the relationship and know we’ve made the right decision, I’m just feeling a bit deflated. I re-engaged with Insta this weekend as acquaintances has noted I hadn’t accepted their follow request. On sign in, I noted my followers hadn’t reduced – meaning the Ex, her sister & her friends were still following (not that I’d posted in the last 4 weeks). I didn’t go snooping on their pages, simply logged back out and deleted the app. I’ve made some positive steps over the past week. The gym has been provided solace when I’ve had a free evening. The social calendar is booked up due to work commitments and spent the weekend with friends by the coast. I’ve had a couple of friends trying to set me up which is nice, but I just don’t seem in my best form right now. I’m managing the desire to reach out. It’s tougher that I thought it would be at this stage. I keep contemplating wishing her and her family a Merry Christmas, but it seems contradictory (and ultimately harmful) to what I’ve read. Thoughts?
  7. Second Ninja. If she's not responding to calls / messages then you should consider that as her response. You deserve more than to be ignored. Give her space, let her miss you etc etc.... Best of luck
  8. Here's my weekly mind dump, having now completed 21 days NC. Last communication was 18/11/18, which "the" call. I find myself really struggling during the weekends. My social life is exceptionally busy during the week, especially this time of year with work events. But the weekends are tricky as a-lot of my friends are now engaged / married / kids and don't have time to meet socially. I find myself spending far too much time and energy on Youtube, which is counter productive. I'm about to go an re-joining my local gym / spa so that I've a focus of an evening. That and the charges will hopefully make me go - I've tried workouts at home but found this disheartening. I dipped my toe back into Online Dating this week, but if I'm honest I've never been a fan nor had much success with it. I much rather meet people naturally, or through mutual friends (like the Ex). I've been signed out on my Instagram (my only social media platform) for the same amount of time, which has helped. I know I'm doing the right thing with NC - I'm respecting her boundaries for time / space as thats all I can do. She needs to figure all this out on her own - I can't solve these problems for her. I'm just frustrated that I'm still reeling from a relationship that for the last 2 months wasn't what I wanted. I started this process and although she held back at first - she reciprocated in the end. All I know is I'm NC until she reaches out. There's no limit.
  9. You're doing great Monkey. There will always be slip ups, but it's the realisation that breaking NC was a mistake that will preventing it happening again. I'm an advocate of venting on here rather than holding it in, or worse making you reach out. I too have questioned why I feel how I do over something as trivial (in the grand scheme of things) as a break up. You can't help it, but what you can do is occupy you time and mind on other things - dog walk is great way of getting some exercise and clear the head.
  10. Great Thread idea OP. Fantastic to see you're making the most of this time to focus on so many attributes that will develop you as a person. You'll be all the better for it. I'm a mere 17 days post break up & NC of what was 8 month relationship. Things I've tried to focus on - saying YES to more things and be open to new opportunities in whatever form that takes. 1) Started meditating every morning - have found this sense of mindfulness has really helped keep negative thoughts at bay. 2) Started training for another marathon / HIIT work outs. 3) Logged out of my social media - which has really made me question my need for it. 4) Booked to see a Reiki Healer (on the recommendation of family) - I'm a complete sceptic but I promised myself I'd go in with an open mind (as item 1) 5) Spent more time and importantly made more effort to see friends - some of which are going through life changing events that put my BU into perspective. 6) Volunteering in a local National Park - giving back is rewarding. This I keep to myself. 7) Going to sport events alone and meeting like minded people. Yes, it's not ideal but it got me out of the house and allowed me follow the sport I enjoy. 8) Reading more / audio books / podcasts - continuing to improve / learn when on commuting to my job. Russel Brand's "Recover" was of real interest. 9) Accepting the fact that I can't worry about things outside of my control. Not just my ex and her situation, but anything - be that the political climate, a work problem, a poor sporting result. Focusing on me and what I can manage is key to my long term improvement. 10) In the process of signing up to a MasterClass in creative writing / economic understanding. Varied I know. Keep up the good work, it's amazing what options you have available when you actively look to better yourself. You've done so much already and i'm sure there is plenty more to come. Best of Luck!
  11. Thanks again Monkey. You're right, I don't really want to take this step back - but in fact I know it's right for both of us is keeping me going. It is tough; more so because I care about her and want to know she's ok. But that's not my business, for now anyway. NC is the only answer now and I know I wont break it.
  12. Feeling the need to monologue, so thought it best to jot it down here. I'm now day 14 of NC with the Ex and a week on from my last post. It's also been 5 weeks since I last spent time with her, which has seemed to have flown by. Whilst I don't expect her to reach out, a small part of me wants to know that she's doing ok. However, I know this i detrimental to both her recovery and my goal to utilise this time to focus on myself. She's asked for space on this journey of mental self repair and I'm abiding by this request, knowing that there is nothing I else I can do. I've had people ask me if I've heard from her; when I say no they seem confused and state "that tells you all you need to know". But does it? I'm very much of the mind set that this time is being utilised in the best way for both of us - and that reaching out from either of us is counter productive. I made the decision to not contact her so she can focus on herself. I'll wait for her to reach out - but I am finding it difficult. It's not that I haven't started to look inwards for improvement. I've been spending more time with a variety of friends, filling my social calendar with activities, re-igniting my exercise regime, concentrating on my new project at work as well as signing up for volunteering at my local Heritage sites to learn some more outdoor skills. I'm even considering starting a masterclass in creative writing. I'm focusing on all these things for me, but with the nagging feeling that the Ex will never reach out. I know scarcity creates demand; which is why I slowly find myself wanting to be with her - even though the end of relationship wasn't something I'd ever re-consider.
  13. As an update, it's been a week of NC following our chat on Sunday where we clarified our situation. We agreed last week that she needs to do this on her own and I'm honouring this. My thoughts are that if she's ready to get in touch, she will. However, I can't wait for her. Today I inadvertently met up with our mutual friends (I was watching my pal play football locally to me). His fiance was there (who never comes to football) whos my Ex's friend, of which she is a bridesmaid at their wedding next year. She kept dropping in how my Ex was doing, how they spoke in the week and that she seemed ok. She then asked me if my Ex was still visiting me next week for our planned dinner....which is when I realised the Ex hadn't told her about the break up. I unfortunately couldn't lie to her, so told her the truth in that we'd agreed to end it so she could focus on herself. She acted surprised that she didn't know, nor that my Ex didnt tell her. I noted I didn't want to pry any further, as I didn't think it fair. I also didn't want it to be perceived that I was checking up on her. One thing she did say prior to this was that my Ex did indeed go to her first counselling session this week, which i was pleased about. She's taking her mental health seriously and is indeed progressing with what we discussed. I said some cliche things - such "i want whats best for her" & "she knows where I am if she needs me"; but in no way did i want this to be a route of communication back to my Ex. I'm a big advocate of ignorance is bliss when it comes to break ups - hence the NC. I've also logged out (but not deleted) my one social media account for the time being. I actually trust the fiance a great deal and I know she wouldn't want to be in the middle of anything. She too suffers from mental issues & will be a good person for my Ex to reach out to. I did say she "could be the support that I couldn't" which sounded weak at the time, but holds some truth to it. I'll admit that even though this break-up is partially my doing, it's still the right thing to do. It is having a prolonged affect on me, which I'm hoping will subside over time. This was my decision, which she later re-affirmed. I'm not a big advocate of NC, however in this circumstance I think this is the only option. I'm not interested in getting my Ex back, nor do I see NC as a ploy to try an spark some sort of re-attraction from her. I'm not contacting her because I know we don't want to hear from one another whilst she's going through this process. It's one less thing for her to worry / stress about.
  14. Thanks Monkey. I think the trigger is the same, her new highly stressful job as bought a lot of this to the surface. It's hard walking away, but I know it's for the right reasons. She's reaffirmed she needs space to do the "journey" on her own and I must honour that request. I'm focusing on me right now (back in the gym, spending time with family, making sure my weekends are busy), so I'm remaining positive. Our paths will cross again next year when we are to be at the same wedding of our mutual friends - but I'm looking to move on now. She knows where I am if she needs me.
  15. Thanks Ninja. you're posts this past week have really helped.
×
×
  • Create New...