It can happen if you really get your act together

[MarkD]

I am bumping this page up because I just realized that for the first time in weeks, the anxiety went away while I was reading. Just knowing that some people are feeling and going through the same experiences really helps me feel not so alone.

 

I have a real problem with wanting to "control" my environment. When something happens that I cannot control, I panic. This is the main reason for my relationship problems. I can be snappy, stubborn, and it pushes my SO away. I am just hoping that its not too late... I am not playing games, or doing the "NC" deal to make her miss me. I am waiting for her to make the contact because she needs the time and space to think of what she wants and needs.

[BriarRose]

You just reach a point when you realize it's over. I was always there for him, crazy for him, tried to reach out to him, he knew I would never hurt him (his wife of 26 years had left him). He still choose to cut ties with me and we are now NC.

 

For me to contact him at this point would not be "working on things" or inviting him to reach out. It would be stalker-ish, as he has shown me it is not what he wants, at least for now.

[Dr. Horrible]

I just finished reading through the whole thread. There are certainly some things I don't completely agree with, but I found so many amazing insights and perspectives that I simply haven't thought of before. So many wonderful contributions by kind and deeply thoughtful individuals.

Thanks guys.

[BriarRose]

Sometimes people just fall out love and it's not your fault. There is no "getting your act together" that will bring them back.

 

I strongly agree with poor parenting leading to dysfunctional relations in adulthood.

[EQIQ]

Sometimes people just fall out love and it's not your fault. There is no "getting your act together" that will bring them back.

 

I strongly agree with poor parenting leading to dysfunctional relations in adulthood.

 

But you shouldn't see it this way. You need to see it as, "I messed a lot of stuff up in my last relationship, lemme look what it is I did wrong, and how I can avoid making the same mistakes again". This is what this is all about, because if you end up with your ex or not, it is really a new relationship, and you need to have learned from your past. If people don't learn and change, the end result is going to be the same again. That is the way I see it.

 

Right now, even though I still love my ex, I just want to improve on myself, find out the things I was doing wrong, understand why things didn't work. Then try to learn, and fix wrong patterns in my ways of thinking, so that in a future relationship I don't make the same mistakes again. It doesn't matter if this future is with my ex, or someone else. If I learn from the past the odds of having a successful recon are much higher.

 

 

BTW, Thank you a lot for bringing up that website from Al Turtle, some of the articles really opened up my point of view about things, and helped me understand a lot of what was going on in my relationship.

[Tired Tiger]

Sometimes people just fall out love and it's not your fault. There is no "getting your act together" that will bring them back.

 

Hello Misskitty,

 

I believe the sum total of this thread goes far beyond what it's title suggests. With 89,462,377 threads promoting 'NC', 'move on', 'it's over for a reason', etc, ad infinitum infitialis... there must be room for at least one pragmatic, positive, intellectual discussion, right?

[jasper01]

hey, I notice this got bumped. here's the rest of the story..

 

I worked on my end of things for a long time and we were both changed by it. The original really nice feelings between us were restored for a time and it looked like there was a lot of reason to have hope. But every couple of months she would drift away again. Still, I kept plugging away.

 

But along with a new confidence in myself and learning all this great stuff there was something else unexpected.

 

I didn't feel this relationship was right for me anymore. I had changed a lot and she fell way behind. I decided to get on with my life.

 

The difference is that now, I'm very at peace with it. I look back on my memories of us together in great fondness. And look forward to a new partner who is about where I am now

[bish0p2004]

This is good, because even though the relationship ended, there is still a sense of normality in your post. It seems that you are not hurting from the loss.

 

Really, I think this is the only way a reconciliation can happen, but I think it's a bad idea unless it's years after the break up.

[Tired Tiger]

Time for this thread's monthly bump!

[90_hour_sleep]

Time for this thread's monthly bump!

 

good call tiger.

 

love the avatar by the way. it speaks volumes!

[Tired Tiger]

Hey 90. Nice to see you still around.

 

Yeah, I figured the yawning tiger was getting a bit long in the tooth, so to speak.

 

It's almost too bad that ENA doesn't do the sticky thing for threads, as this one should be required reading. It was very influential to how I approached my own journey, and still applies now.

[Tired Tiger]

It Can Happen, Part II

 

So. You got your act together. Practiced patience. Adopted a positive mental attitude. Worked on those issues that led to sabotage. The universe is in better alignment, and the lines of communication are open. Now what?

 

Okay, go ahead and have a little Snoopy dance. You've earned it. Just don't do it in front of your ex.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Exciting, isn't it?

 

But not so fast there, Speedy Gonzales. You didn't think you were back to walking hand-in-hand into the sunset just like that, did you? Ah, but if it were only that simple. The truth is, if what you went through to get to this point was crucial, what you do now is critical. Did you both really get your acts together? Now is when you'll find out.

 

Remember those things you struggled to achieve, like patience? Compassion? Forgiveness? Empathy? Good, because you'll need them now more than ever. You've both been through emotionally trying times and you'll need those positive concepts in order to feel comfortable with each other again. Those who postulate that their ex crawl and beg in order to facilitate reconciliation might as well move on to the healing forum. You're done here for now.

 

Rebuilding your relationship will be a process. Preferably a slow process. Let things progress at their own pace, as pressure is likely to have the same effect as it would have while you were broken up. Practice being a true listener and be hyper-aware of your own emotions (both positive and negative), and keep them in check. Taking things slow allows you to think and process what's happening, and avoid making mistakes (reactions). This is no time for selfish instant gratification... and some things are better savored slowly anyway.

 

Hopefully he/she will be of the same mindset, or follow your lead. After all, this isn't about getting your ex back, or your ex getting you back. It's about getting back... together.

[Diagonal]

Great bump (not seen this before ) and nice addition Tired Tiger, wise and insightful as always.

[Good Guy]

advice. Just what i was looking for.. can you give me some advice on my situation?

[minou]

I really like the OP here. Thanks.

[Deejmonster]

I used it once before and literally gave up on ever getting back with my ex and sure enough she came back... Now I am in the same boat with the same girl and I am wondering if I finally stop nagging that she will come to her senses and try again?

 

Advice is nice!

[moonbug]

To the OP, that was a very refreshing post. I don't know how much sense there is in what you have said, since I am in no mans land right now, but that notwithstanding, your post did make me feel good about something. I don't know what it was. But before I read your post I was low and after I read it, I wasn't!

 

Thanks.

[90_hour_sleep]

To the OP, that was a very refreshing post. I don't know how much sense there is in what you have said, since I am in no mans land right now, but that notwithstanding, your post did make me feel good about something. I don't know what it was. But before I read your post I was low and after I read it, I wasn't!

 

Thanks.

 

i think it's hope...a sometimes dangerous place...but also a place that can help you to find the motivation to face your fears...to open yourself to everything that you've always run away from. and then...you can let go of that hope...and begin to drink in everything around you...free of hope and fear.

 

 

[infamous]

I used it once before and literally gave up on ever getting back with my ex and sure enough she came back... Now I am in the same boat with the same girl and I am wondering if I finally stop nagging that she will come to her senses and try again?

 

Advice is nice!

 

how long till she came back ?

 

did you use LC or NC ?

[Deejmonster]

how long till she came back ?

 

did you use LC or NC ?

 

 

It took about 6 weeks of nc... then out of the blue she said she wanted to try again.. hoping again for it to happen but am losing hope. Its been since December...

[Tired Tiger]

NC-LC-OMG-AC/DC... is really missing the entire point of this thread. You can give someone all the space possible, be as stubborn as you're capable of, and read 500 stories focused on the virtues of various forms of contact... and none of it will make one bit of difference in the end if you don't make productive use of this time. If that doesn't make sense, go back and read this thread from page one in it's entirety until is does.

 

i think it's hope...a sometimes dangerous place...but also a place that can help you to find the motivation to face your fears...to open yourself to everything that you've always run away from. and then...you can let go of that hope...and begin to drink in everything around you...free of hope and fear.

 

Maybe hope being dangerous depends on what one is hoping for.

 

On the surface, it would be easy to say that the measure of 'success' in all of this is the ability to say, "we're back together"! That's really just the tip of the iceberg, at best. The real success lies in the personal accomplishments regarding introspect and self awareness. Without that, all hope will be a false premise anyway.

[90_hour_sleep]

 

 

such an awesome perspective.

[learning2relax]

i think it's hope...a sometimes dangerous place...but also a place that can help you to find the motivation to face your fears...to open yourself to everything that you've always run away from. and then...you can let go of that hope...and begin to drink in everything around you...free of hope and fear.

 

 

 

Wow - really well stated and right on the money. Funny how the pain/hurt mixed with hope makes you feel and face fear. I experienced this and have to say that it has just propelled me forward in such a way that I just want to understand my fears and what drives them so I can face them head on. I now understand that the fears that I am experiencing today are also something that I brought to the relationship and evidenced themselves one way or another. It was my contribution to the breakdown of my relationship.

 

That all said, letting go of hope is a process. Every day I just want it to be gone. But while my mind is demanding to let go, my heart keeps hanging on. Good news is that my head is getting stronger and my heart is giving up........ Only then will I be able to assure myself of a fresh start - if I am willing......

 

 

On the surface, it would be easy to say that the measure of 'success' in all of this is the ability to say, "we're back together"! That's really just the tip of the iceberg, at best. The real success lies in the personal accomplishments regarding introspect and self awareness. Without that, all hope will be a false premise anyway.

 

TT - how right you are. As much as we all want the microwave theory and instant gratification of having it all back as quickly as possible.......I would have to imagine that doing so without taking advantage of this time to get to know and understand yourself better, gain better self respect and grow from the experience(s), your probability of ending up right where you are today are too high. Doesn't mean it isn't frustrating....... But if you truly want it to work, isn't it worth the frustration and duration of the lesson(s) learned?

[sage_1]

Giving this great thread a deserved bump.

 

I suggest really taking the time to read through the entire thread.

[Tired Tiger]

Another shameless bump. And a link:

 

link removed

 

To forgive isn't to condone, and it's not for the benefit of another. To truly forgive means you've let go of the anger, resentment, and all the other negativity. It's the only way to understanding and compassion - absolute necessities to any hope of a reconciliation.

 

Sorry for the interruption. We now return you to the regularly scheduled five star negativity threads.