moonbug

Hey tillyy, I am sorry I didn't quite say what I wanted to properly. Of course people should be allowed to say how they or someone they knew got back! But I do feel that this particular thread has outlived its utility is all. Again, no offence to anyone posting or reading this. But I believe the purpose of this thread was to show or cite how people get back together. Now 200 stories are not going to tell you anything that 100 stories can't. Beyond a point, it just piles on and creates a delusion of sorts. I think it serves everyone well, if there is a separate thread where a getting back together story can be discussed, so that each story has more relevance than simply serving as 'just another example'. I dunno. I probably don't have a point here, some may say. But beyond a point, I don't feel like reading each new page added to this thread, even though I sure as hell do want to read about how couples worked their way back. Am I getting through or should I just get off it already?

Not to sound spoilsport, but I think this thread needs to be closed down for further posting. I hope people don't get me wrong here, but the point of this thread is quite evident and undebated. People get back together all the time, and one should always stay open to the possibility. That is fine. But beyond a point, all this thread does is it screws people up by giving them hope. Citing disclaimers saying "I don't want to raise anyone's hopes..." doesn't really help. Because irrespective of what people say, after a point, the more GBT stories you read, the more your hopes are raised. And that can screw you up. Been there. So as well intentioned as this thread is, and as sweet as the people posting stories here are, my personal opinion is that there are enough stories here to tell us that is can happen. It is now getting to a point where the effort is proving counterproductive. Thats my personal view. Sorry if I am coming accross as a jerk.

Ok, just heard of this story a few hours ago. This girl I have been friends with for almost 6 years, had been with her bf for almost 10 years when I met her. I knew things were getting difficult between them and that she was kinda getting annoyed at a lot of stuff he did. She used to tell me about it. It was not that he wasn't in love with her. It was just that he felt like he was missing something in life by only being with her. For example, he wanted to devote a lot of time to his business which he was unable to, because of a full throttle relationship. She wasn't willing to put up with anything less than max. So she thought they were not working out and decided to end it. He didn't know what he wanted at that point. She (being a girl and all) met someone else right away. They went out for about 7 months before she realized he was not the guy for her. Her ex in the meanwhile had been single ever since she had ended things between them. Both of them were single for more than a year. And in NC for the largest part. Then, slowly, she started meeting him casually, for coffee and stuff. She always knew he was crazy for her. But since a lot of time had passed, she wasn't sure where he was at right now. But she probably got a few signals that there was still enough between them to salvage and they got back together after a few dates, a few months ago. Since they had been together for a really really long time (>10 years, and they are both abt 28 ) they decided there is nothing in particular that they are waiting for. Both of them apparently thought they had acted like idiots when the breakup had happened, and have therefore decided to try and never let anything mess things up again. They are scheduled to get married this Dec. After more than 2 years apart. I am totally not posting this to give anyone any kind of hope. But I guess, its a weird world we live in. Where all kinds of strange things happen. Just never with us.

These forums are rife with examples of dumpers who left the dumpees for someone else and returned. There are no such preconditions and anything can happen. How much you hold on to that hope is your call though.

You know what? My ex is desperate to stay friends with me too. In fact, I was dumped only days before my birthday. And she told me herself, that she wanted to do something grand for my birthday, but held back because she was worried she would be sending the wrong signals. Of course, the 'wanting to do something grand' only comes from guilt. So it doesn't help how you respond anyway. You can always make it worse though.

Frankly I doubt any dumper will give you a present, if they are at all worried about not sending the wrong signals. But I don't know your ex. If she does send you a gift, then the best response would be a simple 'Thank You'. Nothing more, nothing less. Polite yet not endearing.

Stunning. If she was ever to break up with you (God Forbid) you already have a powerful Breakup Cancellation Tool here. Good stuff.

I recently stumbled accross this space in ENA (I have mainly been hanging around in Getting Back Together, since my breakup was the reason I joined ENA). But its amazing how well people can write. Some of those professionals out there should really look at the stuff here and feel ashamed for the sorryass stuff they dish out. This thread has no real purpose except that I wanted to speak out somewhere about how wonderful people here have written. It would have taken too long to go and appreciate each piece individually. I write stuff myself. I don't want to post it up here for certain reasons. Still, I know how difficult it is to come up with really really good stuff. More so if it is on varied subjects. Only when we have written stuff ourself can we really appreciate how lucky we are to have been around when people like Dylan have been active. I mean, to read some of his poetry just stuns me. Apart from astonishing quality, the sheer volume of work, and the topics he has covered, make me believe Bob Dylan is the name of a team of some 10 poets! Its really hard to believe one person has produced so much quality. Anyway, I am digressing. My main intention was to just express appreciation for all the people who have penned down things here. Maybe one day, I will be in a position to post my work here, so others can read it. Till then, my lonely blog has to bear with it. Thanks guys! Keep posting.

Thats amazing! Congratulations on the getting back. Wish you two all the happiness there is. Btw, is it possible for you to write down the whole process and how it happened? Right from how and why the breakup happened, how the both of you behaved right after the breakup, what you did during the time you were broken up, whether you were seeing anyone in the meantime, who initiated the getting back, did you take any conscious steps to get back or did it just happen out of the blue when you weren't expecting it....that kind of stuff. Basically a detailed account of your whole story. I am sure everyone here will appreciate it a lot. A probably common (and quite dismal) phenomenon on ENA seems to be one where after getting back, people just disappear from here. No one has the motivation to right about how it all fell back in place for them. So we have comparitively very few success stories written in real time, or right after they happened. Hope you find the time to do this. Congratulations again!

True, strict NC is not the best option. But the idea is to get to point where the dumper initiates contact. If the dumper doesn't have find the propensity to contact then even if the dumpee was to begin LC, it wouldn't help. So by implication, from the dumpee's point of view, complete NC IS a better solution in my view.

I am not sure if a blanket advice like 'engage the other person after 4-8 weeks of No Contact otherwise the other person will move on without you' is valid. There is no such timeline according to me. Honestly, 4-8 weeks of NC is not much. Definitely not enough to put you out of your ex's mind. If your ex is going to forget about you after 4-8 weeks, I don't know how strong the bond was anyway. But more than that, I think it is completely case-specific. It depends totally on the kind of relationship that existed prior to the breakup, reason for the breakup, and the dumpers position post breakup. For example, if the dumper has begun dating someone seriously after a long drawn painful breakup, he/she is going to enjoy the honeymoon phase of the new relationship. There is little chance of that getting over in 4-8 weeks. In such cases, the dumpee will only set him/herself back by breaking NC in such a short span. Their only chance lies in waiting out the initial period of the new relationship, in complete NC, however long that might take. I think this is true for everything in life. There is nothing to explain this phenomenon. When you want something real bad, destiny has a way of keeping you from getting it, unless you are really lucky. And when you are no longer as crazy about having it, it will suddenly fall in your lap without you even asking for it. Its true for money, jobs, lovers, everything. Which is probably why people say you should be humble and thankful when you do get something you really really want. If you are arrogant about it, you will regret it later when you happen to lose it. I know its happened to me.

Saffron, well thats comforting to know. I don't whether a reconciliation will happen for me or not. Probably wont, by the look of things. But in a years time, even if I am in a position where I don't give a frick about my ex, I will be glad. Reconciliation will be a bonus. I think I will have done well, if somehow I manage to get to get her out of my mind completely. Currently I am on 1+ month NC. But I don't think NC is completely effective, if you still 'contact' them in your mind, several times a day. Sorry to hijack the thread...Just random thoughts that occurred to me.

Wishingonastar, I am sorry if you think I have taken this thread on a different track. I was actually looking for success stories in cases that were similar to mine. The discussion just progressed and Rob is aware of my case, which is in fact posted on a different thread. So I just took it ahead right here. I apologize if that didn't go down well with you.

Well I completely agree with what you are saying. But thats the faculties of the mind I am talking about. The heart wants what it wants. I am trying my best to move on. Not getting in touch with her is the first step. And I am sure I can do it well. But somehow, when I start thinking about the times that we have had and start correlating it with where she is right now, with whom, and doing what, it bugs me. It may reduce with time. But you know how it is. At some level, I don't want to get over her, probably. It comforts me to think about her, I guess. It might prove to be harmful in the bigger picture, but as I said, these things are largely out of our control and will reduce only with time. Till then, I am basically looking for perspectives. Something comforting. Something that will give me some reasonable hope of getting back one day. So that I can just take that hope, put it somewhere at the back of my mind and move on. I think if I tell myself that I will get her back only if I get over her completely, it will help me get over her. Ironic isn't it? Anyway, so thats the reason I am looking for people's perspectives on this. Its not that I am expecting things to improve because ten people have told me they will improve. It's something to do with the heart. The mind is already over her. Hope you understand.

Wow Rob, seems like you have been through some real tough times man! Good to see you are still holding up and that its all looking up for you eventually. But I had a couple of questions for you. Firstly, what kind of girl is your wife? My girl is extremely bull headed about what she wants (particularly in a relationship). She throws tantrums when she doesn't get it. And she really feels unhappy when she doesn't get what she wants (doesn't throw tantrums as just mind games or something). She wants her guy to go through hell and back to get her whatever she wants. Having said that, she is a real darling. She will love anyone she commits to completely and absolutely. She will go to unbelievable lengths herself to make sure her guy is happy. Sometimes I was really surprised at the stuff she was willing to do to make me feel good. But I also think, sometimes she is a little immature, in what she wants. She doesn't acknowledge that there are real problems that people can have that can keep them from doing what they would love doing in a relationship. She is extremely insecure and craves for attention and the feeling of being loved. So yea...thats what my girl is like. How does your wife compare to that. Secondly, I would like to know what was the type of guy your wife left you for. The guy that I have been dumped for is a complete doormat in my opinion. I think he knows it and loves being that way. However, that is working for the two of them right now and she seems to be 'extremely happy'. He is willing to do anything she wants him to and even more, not caring if she is being unreasonable. He will probably do something more intently if he knows its something unreasonable. From what I know, he is somewhat a freak, creepily obsessive. But then, he IS very nice to her and thats what she loves about him. They have been in the relationship for around 2 months now. From the look of things, the honeymoon phase for them looks like it will last longer than it does for other couples. How do you read my situation? Whats your gut feel? I, from my side, have already cut off all ties with her and made it clear that I will respond to her only if I see a clear intent of getting back together from her side. I don't see it happening anytime in the near future though. Unless a dramatic development of some kind was to happen (therefore highly unlikely). Please let me know what you (and others) make of my situation and how it compares with yours.