Lavender25

I can't believe I let myself get that close to you. I knew it was a bad idea. That you would never be mine. COULD NEVER be mine. But I thought we had something. I just needed you to know how I felt. And I wanted to know if you felt the same. I can't believe you didn't even try to give me an answer. So here I am trying to get over someone that wasn't even mine. Someone that I didn't even know. I look at your pictures and I realize that I don't really know who you are. But I'm missing you like crazy.

Day 4. I didn't realize the last time I talked to you would be the last time. We weren't in a relationship but that doesn't make it easier.

I wish my relationship had been long enough so I could have things to be mad about. I want to get angry because I think it would be easier to move on and not want him in my life anymore. But the relationship was wonderful and the break up was heartfelt and I know that he cares about me. I guess the only thing I could get mad about is that he left. He left and he hardly gave me a reason why. But then I find that I can't get mad at him for not giving me a reason because I don't believe he knows what that reason is.

It's getting harder not to call you... but easier at the same time I haven't seen you in almost a month. We haven't had a conversation in two weeks. Our conversation was about getting together have a conversation about what happened so I could ask you my questions. But I guess since neither one of us has made the effort to get in touch again that we really don't want to talk? Or we're just not ready? I don't know what to think. Every day I don't hear from you hurts. Because it means that you really wanted this. I thought you were just confused and needed your space and would figure it out in time. But now that hope fades more and more each day. I think about what you said. You said you still look for my car in the parking lot every day. I try to find comfort in that. That I at least made a small impact on your life so that you do think of me. And you miss me... I know you do. But you left because you didn't think you loved me. So I guess I didn't make that much of an impact. And that's what hurts the most because I love you.

I can't believe that you didn't even wish me a happy birthday. 2 weeks ago we were planning on going out for sushi to celebrate. Then you break up with me because you say you don't feel a "spark" anymore. BULL * * * * . I know you did. I KNOW you did. If you didn't FEEL anything, then you wouldn't have been crying like that when you broke up with me. If you didn't FEEL anything, then you wouldn't have said that you were going to miss me and miss being in a relationship with me. You say you didn't WANT to do it, but felt that you had to. Why? Why? WHY?! I know I'll never know and I know you can't tell me because it's obvious that you don't know either. And I wish you'd done something horrible to me so I could be mad at you. I want to be ANGRY with you so I can move past you. But I can't because you were perfect. WE were PERFECT. We never fought, we always had fun with each other and couldn't get enough of each other. We needed more time! WE NEEDED MORE TIME! I was hoping this breakup would be the opportunity for us to connect on a deeper level. To talk more deeply about us and what we want for each other and want for ourselves. But you've barely been in touch so I guess you don't want to talk. Thanks for congratulating me on graduating. But why ignore me on my birthday? That's just low.

Janeiac, how long were you in NC and what did you do to keep yourself busy. I'm tired of feeling this way. I wake up feeling all of this anxiety and tightness in my chest and just feel miserable. Then it usually takes me hours, until I have to get ready for work, to actually get off the couch or get out of bed. I just want to feel better.

Wow. That sounds brutal. Stay strong.

I have almost broken NC on several occasions these last few days. Thinking: Should I send a text? Say hello? Call? Email? Do I expect a response? What am I hoping will come of it? Will it give me closure or leave me dangling where I am right now?.... Then I call a friend and they tell me not to. So I don't.

Ran into the ex at a play last night. We didn't speak. Does seeing them count as breaking NC? If not, I'm on day 6 because he broke NC last week.

Broken up for nearly 3 months... Was NC for 8 weeks until he broke it last week (emailing back and forth... no relationship talk). Day #3 or 4 now. I still haven't defriended him on social networking sites yet. His status on facebook last night was "Having a rough time for some reason. Too much on my mind?" I would like to think that is was referring to me. I almost called/texted but I didn't. He didn't call me either. Must not have been that important.

I guess this is Day 3. I thought about breaking NC today. I thought about the first email that he sent me last week and the line about him hoping that I've had enough time and space to figure stuff out and to message him back with anything I felt I needed to say. I responded kind of coldly and told him that anything we had to say to each other shouldn't be in an email. He responded with other business about our old apartment and disregarded anything about us talking to each other about important things. I thought maybe I'd messed up with my previous email and sent another one saying that I hope I didn't come off angry or bitter and he responded in a chat just about little things... nothing important. I talked to some people about it and there are varying opinions. Those saying that he just wanted to see if I was still on his fishing line and didn't want to offer up anything on his end, some saying that he was testing the waters and seeing if it's safe to talk to me, some saying that he wants to talk to me and has something to say because he is prodding me but may be too scared that I'll me mad at him and reject him... So I wanted to send him a text that was just blatantly "I'm ready to talk when you are." I didn't send him one... still thinking about it though. But then there is the part of me that is like "if he really wants to talk to you, he'll find a way."

Day 1. Woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy. I did get better until I got home and got on the dreaded facebook. Looks like him and his ex are hanging out again. He and I have been off/on for 7 years and the last time we broke up was for a year. He dated this girl for 6 months during this time. He and I reconciled 6 months after they broke up (he said she wasn't very mature among other things). They stayed friendly even though it was obvious she didn't want us to be together and I was OK with it until the last 6-8 months of our relationship when she became a nuisance and was obviously trying to make herself an issue. "You wanna go out for coffee? Can you fix my car? My vacuum? And so on..." I knew she wanted more than friendship but the ex kept saying they were just friends and he didn't want to be with her anymore and yadda yadda yadda... He and I not being able to resolve the ex g/f issue was one of the reasons that lead to the break up. I can't be sure if there is anything going on between them other than friendship and there is no way for me to know for sure at this point. But it still hurts that she gets to hang out with him whenever she wants and I don't. It hurts so much and if they ARE together again.... I'll just die.

Just broke NC. First time it was broken on my end. I don't feel horrible or anything... I just hope it didn't hurt anything.

Day 4. Ex broke NC after 8 weeks in a facebook message talking about our apartment.... He ended the message with a "hope everything is well with you and you've had enough time and space to figure everything out a little bit. Just message me back about anything you feel you want to say." When I responded I told him that "everything was well and I hoped the same for him. Time and space has given me a new perspective on a lot of things, but if we had anything to say to each other it deserves more than a facebook message." He responded to the business part of the message and didn't bring up the rest. Guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or waiting for nothing at all...

Day 1? Ex sent me an email yesterday breaking 2 months of NC asking about the security deposit on our apartment and wanting my half of the power bill. Threw in a "hope everything is well and that you've had enough time and space to figure everything out a little bit..." Really confused by that statement since he is the one that ended it. I responded as nicely as I could (it's all in a thread on here) but he didn't respond like I'd hoped. So here I am again. But it doesn't hurt nearly as much.