It can happen if you really get your act together

[sushigirlie]

I really like your posts. A lot of us can relate. L.C.

[Tearsbegone]

And both are critical to getting and keeping a partner. The way I see it is that the skills of Mirroring and the skills of Validating teach you how to go about "making your partner feel not lonely in your presence." These two are front line skills. Al

 

Do you mind explaining what those mean and how to do them?

[Tired Tiger]

Well, how about that - a cameo appearance by Al.

 

brown shoes - You've got it. Stick on that path, and you'll be fine. Cheers!

 

Pene - No offense, but it's clear you've read no more than the last page of this thread. Not only has this been asked, answered and discussed, but you're doing yourself a great disservice by not reading the entire thread. When you're ready.

 

As for myself... doing GRRRREAT!

[Tired Tiger]

A bump, but perhaps only for a small percentage reading.

 

You see, there's actually two different philosophies contained within this section of eNA - one following the appropriately named title of the forum, "Getting Back Together", the other being, "getting an ex back". If the difference between these two phrases isn't overwhelmingly obvious, then you aren't where you need to be.

 

Case in point - Read the most recent 50 threads started here. Are they about successful reconciliations, or are they concentrated on what can be done to rescue/salvage/coerce the old relationship back into being? How many actually achieve their objective, and of those (if you find any), how many last beyond a few weeks/months? Take this a step further - find the "how-to" or "guide" threads, and determine how many of those were written by anyone who actually has succussfully reconciled. I've yet to see even one.

 

So, if you're obsessed with the notion that you can reverse the current circumstances... if you cannot take a shower without making sure the ringer is at full volume on your phone (and as close as possible to the shower without getting wet)... if you're tethered to 'Facebook' like a homeless meth addict - then you won't be anywhere near accepting even half of what this thread has to offer. Focus on acceptance and gaining some stability first.

 

For those wanting to know how it really works, happy reading.

[Reflective82]

Brownstone- can I get your thoughts on my situation? It sounds similar to yours. Together for 4.5 years, relationship was good but then I went through a really hard time and I changed- I know I changed- I started putting loads of pressure on the relationship, became needy and insecure etc, always arguing. I stopped being the girlfriend I once was and became obsessed with marriage and buying a house, because I wanted more security. He started to withdraw and instead of backing off I became more insecure and argumentative. He broke it off saying he isn't in love anymore, but also a bunch of other reasons- he couldn't re assure me, i need to be more independent, i can't deal with my problems etc. I'm struggling to understand whether if I sort myself out he would re consider, or whether he just thinks I can't. But what you said makes a lot of sense- he told my mum he can't deal with me and that I need to become more independent etc. But if your in NC how can you show your ex that you are sorting yourself out? I've told him I am....but he just ignored me. There was no infedelity or abuse in our relationship......

[Reflective82]

mhowe- can you tell me your story? would like to hear it x

[Newnew]

Bump, this thread is very helpful. I like the conversational style of writing rather than the usual negativity.

[Streetbob]

Very true!

 

This section should be renamed "Getting YOURSELF back together"

[AC Slater]

I've literally read every single page of this thread, some a few over. I'm curious however as to how, even once we've healed, we go about interacting with an ex we're actually in contact with.

 

Alot of people here seem to (in my opinion luckily) never have to see their exes. Therefore they're able to heal 100%, be seen by their ex as completely healed, and be able to embrace a friendship/some sort of relationship out of the time apart they've had, where seeing eachother again is fresh and what not. I'm seeing my ex on a weekly basis, we share mutual friends, and i just don't know how to handle it. I don't talk to her much or pay much attention to her simply to protect myself. I don't know how to act. I've read about mirroring, but when you're around your ex as a friend and you can't decipher whether she's treating you as a friend it's daunting even considering mirroring her actions because you don't know what they mean. My gut tells me to talk to her but my head knows i want nothing but a romantic relationship, i don't want a friendship. I don't want to revert to being friendzoned, but at the same time i can't tell whether me mirroring her actions WOULD put me in the friendzone or whether me ignoring her is turning her off or what. I just don't know, so for the time being i simply ignore her, am pleasant when she asks me things/says hello etc, but i don't engage her, not because seeing her hurts me, but because i'm honestly not interested in a platonic friendship. She complains to mutual friends about me not talking to her, and it's as if i'm in the wrong. Argh.

 

Any thoughts on this would be great, i can't seem to find anything in here ..

[Tom1990]

I've literally read every single page of this thread, some a few over. I'm curious however as to how, even once we've healed, we go about interacting with an ex we're actually in contact with.

 

It's going on five months since my ex told me never to speak to her again. We work together. I have to sit there in silence as she not only moves on with her life, but essentially has her "moving on" handed to her from on high, while I have to suffer and watch it all happen. (Things like new friends, new career opportunities, an old crush moving here and soon to be working with us, etc.) How I deal with it is, I see a therapist. It's a struggle.

 

It may be frustrating you, but at least take comfort than you're in control. Have you told her why you're not interested in friendzone? At this point, I don't think it would hurt anything.

[AC Slater]

Man, that must absolutely suck. I suppose though you should look at it from the perspective that you too can use the proximity to show you're moving on and you're life is fine without her. I do know that feeling though, the feeling of even if you do make it look like you're fine and moving on there's nothing saying she'll even notice/care/etc while she is genuinely moving on. It's so hard.

 

As for telling her i'm not interested in friendship, i literally have not had a proper conversation with her in going on 8 months, maybe longer. Our communication is saying hello at parties/mutual events and that's it, maybe her drunkenly touching me/staring at me/making awkward small talk/talking to my friends about me. I think you're right in saying i should tell her. I won't go out of my way to do it, but if she does try and talk to me and ask why i don't talk to her i guess i should tell her. I don't want to appear bitter and still not over it though ...

[Streetbob]

I've read about mirroring, but when you're around your ex as a friend and you can't decipher whether she's treating you as a friend it's daunting even considering mirroring her actions because you don't know what they mean.

 

Hi AC.

 

What do you mean by Mirroring?

 

SB

[AC Slater]

Hey SB, i mean mirroring in the sense that you reciprocate your exes' behaviour towards you and nothing else, so if they're approaching and friendly then you too should be, to an extent, approaching and friendly, basically creating a comfortable situation that isn't pushing them but is showing you're welcoming communication without being a doormat. So much easier said than done..

[Streetbob]

Hey SB, i mean mirroring in the sense that you reciprocate your exes' behaviour towards you and nothing else, so if they're approaching and friendly then you too should be, to an extent, approaching and friendly, basically creating a comfortable situation that isn't pushing them but is showing you're welcoming communication without being a doormat. So much easier said than done..

 

 

Ha! I once thought that I was having that done to me and couldn't work out the psychological reason. I presumed that it was a pacifying technique.

 

Yeah, I can imagine that it must be hard to do!

[markie6]

search for Al turtle ( he has posted here and has his own site ) .. for advice on that, it's not for the faint hearted and the will power and emotional fortitude needed , rules most people out ..it's high risk for most at a time when they should be taking none.

[Tired Tiger]

it's not for the faint hearted and the will power and emotional fortitude needed , rules most people out ..it's high risk for most at a time when they should be taking none.

 

It's only 'high risk' and frustratingly complicated when applied out-of-context.

 

Relationship skills - among them being 'mirroring and validation' - are primarily meant to be used within active, mutual relationships (which I believe the overwhelming majority here are not in). Trying to alter these things as a means to "get the ex back" is actually counter-productive. Learn these things to help understand how things have gone wrong in past relationships, as well as assistance for getting it right in the future... but not as a means (or rather an excuse) to maintain attachment. As markie stated, the idea of less is more - and taking no unnecessary 'risks' - is most appropriate.

 

That aside, perhaps a simpler way to explain this "mirroring and validation" is to consider that being an effective communicator in a relationship requires far more than saying the right thing(s). It's actually more about two basic things - listening (really listening) and reacting (which could also be stated as not reacting). If a partner doesn't feel listened to, heard, or understood, and complicated by their partner being judgmental and/or dismissive - the relationship is doomed. I suspect many right here on eNA are the result of this basic dynamic, yet don't even realize it. Again, though... this is a relatively moot point when you're not in the relationship anymore.

 

Letting go is priority one.

 

Carry no torches, yet hold no grudges...

[pippy longstocking]

here is al's site for those interested and I too reccomend you read this full thread from the start

 

link removed

[SouthernGirly]

Thanks for this whole thread. It's beautiful.

 

Inside me there is a voice that tells me to "trust" and "let go". To "surrender".

 

I hope I can see through this veil of confusion, fear and anger and find peace.

 

I want the same for me ex. I still have hope for the future and I need to learn to value myself and believe in myself. No matter what happens between him and I, I wish him the same thing.

 

I have been a browser of this thread and reading through all day today. Jasper has truly inspired me to have more strength for myself, and the words above do as well. Monday will be the 6 month breakup mark. Yet we haven't acted broken up the whole time. It's definitely been a rollercoaster and so I've done a lot of analyzing which hasn't been good. I'm trying to stay strong.

[SouthernGirly]

Thanks for this whole thread. It's beautiful.

 

Inside me there is a voice that tells me to "trust" and "let go". To "surrender".

 

I hope I can see through this veil of confusion, fear and anger and find peace.

 

I want the same for me ex. I still have hope for the future and I need to learn to value myself and believe in myself. No matter what happens between him and I, I wish him the same thing.

 

I have been a browser of this thread and reading through all day today. Jasper has truly inspired me to have more strength for myself, and the words above do as well. Monday will be the 6 month breakup mark. Yet we haven't acted broken up the whole time. It's definitely been a rollercoaster and so I've done a lot of analyzing which hasn't been good. I'm trying to stay strong.

Thanks for this whole thread. It's beautiful.

 

Inside me there is a voice that tells me to "trust" and "let go". To "surrender".

 

I hope I can see through this veil of confusion, fear and anger and find peace.

 

I want the same for me ex. I still have hope for the future and I need to learn to value myself and believe in myself. No matter what happens between him and I, I wish him the same thing.

[jukebox37]

Sorry to add my problems into the mix but im confused at the minute, i have been BU for four months, i did all the wrong things at the start like begging, it didnt get me anywhere (shock), i was told that she would never go back to me, Four months on since ive been NC, she is coming over to me at the gym, which up to a few weeks ago she would ignore me, she is now chatting to me and being friendly and constantly looking at me and saying how well im looking, i dont want to fall for the bread crumbs and take it the wrong way, i would like to get back with her but i want her to chase me , i dont now if i should stay in NC on the txting front and she has blocked me on fb , i want to play this right this time without making a mistake and jumping the gun and getting it all wrong? help needed

[Cope and Hope]

As much as I like this thread and the perspective it provides from a different angle than usual, I do believe it is greatly oversimplifying things. But let me say, it worked for you OP so that's all that matters for you I suppose. It's probably not for everybody though in my opinion and I would especially caution people going into a reconciliation thinking "I understand them better now because I validate their feelings and mirror what they want" only to realize it's much more complicated than that when they're left again; like any relationship, go into a reconciliation with full levels of awareness and both eyes open. If you go in head first feeling self-vindicated on a self-realized high, you'll be in for some trouble.

 

I think a MUCH more useful piece of advice is what Tired Tiger said above because I do believe that's what MOST relationships suffer from at one level or another; I've definitely been guilty of it myself before and can see where my partners were guilty of it too. Listening, I mean TRULY listening and knowing how to read between the lines for open and effective communication is what can be applied to most scenarios, it's just hard to see where the breakdown is happening while you're in the midst of the relationship itself. Hindsight is always 20/20 I suppose. Again, not to oversimplify because there are multiple problems with every relationship and those problems change and churn with time, but at the basic level I think listening, understanding, and reacting is what makes or breaks a lot of relationships.

[Tearsbegone]

Right now I'm trying to maintain our post bu friendship. Mine just cut contact after 5 months. I pushed and pressured him and wasn't being a friend- more like treating him like a bf. I now realize my mistakes and just want a second chance. I have no clue how it got here. A week ago things were great but I know this has been bothering him over the months.

 

He says he needs a break from me- what does that mean? Will he give me a chance?

[Tired Tiger]

The recurring theme I see here is the continuing interaction between exes.

 

As a matter of my own opinion and experience, this is accomplishing nothing more than staying stuck. Believe me, I know how hard all of this is. I was going through it before most of you were born. You have to completely let go and enforce the separation and detachment before you can even start to be on your way to considering the possibility of a reconciliation. There are no shortcuts. Salvage missions don't work. Being "friends" is a myth.

 

Chances are incalculable in the future, but they are zero if one, the other, or both are maintaining the previous attachment. Read every thread on this forum and find one exception.

 

On the other hand...

 

 

 

 

[Tearsbegone]

The recurring theme I see here is the continuing interaction between exes.

 

As a matter of my own opinion and experience, this is accomplishing nothing more than staying stuck. Believe me, I know how hard all of this is. I was going through it before most of you were born. You have to completely let go and enforce the separation and detachment before you can even start to be on your way to considering the possibility of a reconciliation. There are no shortcuts. Salvage missions don't work. Being "friends" is a myth.

 

Chances are incalculable in the future, but they are zero if one, the other, or both are maintaining the previous attachment. Read every thread on this forum and find one exception.

 

On the other hand...

 

 

 

 

 

I've known tons of couples who remained friends just fine.

 

I'm just concerned if I pushed too fad what a "Break" means. Like if he'll give me a chance to show him I can be a good friend and such.

[Tearsbegone]

The recurring theme I see here is the continuing interaction between exes.

 

As a matter of my own opinion and experience, this is accomplishing nothing more than staying stuck. Believe me, I know how hard all of this is. I was going through it before most of you were born. You have to completely let go and enforce the separation and detachment before you can even start to be on your way to considering the possibility of a reconciliation. There are no shortcuts. Salvage missions don't work. Being "friends" is a myth.

 

Chances are incalculable in the future, but they are zero if one, the other, or both are maintaining the previous attachment. Read every thread on this forum and find one exception.

 

On the other hand...

 

 

 

 

 

Oh I'm not trying to reconcile btw