iamtheprize

Almost 3 months have past, so why do you still visit me in my dreams? Even today, none of this feels real. I still talk to you. I miss you something terrible..

Two months after our break, I saw you walking, just accross the street from me. A city of 8 million and I see you. I wanted to run to you, scoop you up in my arms, and plant sweet, frenzied, smiling kisses all over your face. Instead I turned away, I picked up my pace. My heart started beating again at the end of the block. I love you as much today as ever I have. Still can't let go. Don't really want to.

It's been one month to the day since I last saw you. I am so afraid to contact you too soon, even more afraid that when I do it will be too late. Lately, in my dreams, you and I have been talking so much. In these dreams our conversations are so gentle, reassuring, loving. Waking up is more like a nightmare and I just want to stay asleep. I had tickets for us to see Stevie Wonder. I'm tempted to call and ask you. People say this gets easier, but for me it gets harder every day. I still love you in ways you can't imagine. Baby I miss you too much today.

It's over a month post breakup. So may setbacks. Today is her birthday. I still miss her more than I've ever missed another person in my life. I won't contact her. I care about her too much to upset her on her day. I still feel like I'm living a nightmare. The last time I saw her gave me so much hope. It was cruel of her. I feel like I'm stuck in this grief and it's scary.

Who are these people that are suddenly in your life? who he hell are you listening to these days? Where were they during the last 2 years? I loved and cared about you! So f***ing much! Am I stupid for this? I am respected in my life and have wonderful friends and collaborators. From you I get nothing resembling respect. I treated you so very very well and I know this. You gave me hope by coming back to me, with tearful sex and then another gut-wrenching goodbye. and you did this to me twice! All while I was just trying to heal from the hardest loss of my life. You just walked away from me. No closure no talking, just a spineless email saying you loved me but couldn't be romantic toward me anymore. You kept me hanging on to hope for so long! I hate you for this! Stop pretending and trying so hard to "move on". You are acting desperate out there, dating only days later, fully knowing you have serious mental health issues to work out on your own. Are you that selfish and thoughtless toward other people?

Broke NC yesterday with disastrous results. Don't do it people it's not worth it. We managed to leave things on loving terms, now all that's gone. maybe I needed that for closure I'm not sure. But an innocent catch up conversation turned to the subject of dating and I said I couldn't be her friend, ever. Then I told that her she made the last 2 years of our life feel cheap by seeking online hookups just days after our breakup. I was still too emotional, it was like I couldn't stop the words from coming out. She got angry / embarrassed and told me I was the 'worst mistake of her life'. Completely crushed and devastated. Again. Back to day 1

Day 19 NC (with a slip-up text a few days ago). Not getting any easier for me. I want to speak with her so much. I can't stop thinking about her, can't stop the tears today. I've tried everything short of dating/sleeping with other people. Meditation. Exercise. "Thought stopping". "Surrender". I'm in better shape than I ever have been but other than that I am a mess. I've been going to therapy once a week. Still, she's all that I think about. I get on with life / work, but her face and her smile is always at the front of my mind. I can't stop thinking of how to get her back. I read all these ridiculous books and posts about reconciliation. I am literally still living on hope. Still can't accept that this is anything but temporary. The urge to 'fight' for her is overwhelming. I feel pathetic for loving someone so much that doesn't love me back. I wish I could just forget.

Day 16. I still haven't stopped thinking about you for even a second. This is doubly hard because I know you love me, I know how well suited we are to each other... but you're just not ready. Thinking of you dating others makes me physically sick, so much so that I sleep all the time just to keep from thinking about it.

I met you when you were at your lowest point. No real job, no direction, no money. I took care of you, I supported you, I loved you and I was so good to you. Then, as I was dealing with a lot of pressures and realizing I had a lot of scars from my past, you started slowly moving away from me. Then you just left. And that's it. You never did anything to work for us. You just took and I gave. When you had your fill, and could stand on your own two feet, you just walked away. I don't think I can ever forgive you for that. _

Day 14 (or day 5, if you count our one email exchange). 2 year relationship. Last time I broke no contact we had sex all night then cried all morning. I stupidly let hope creep back in, and now I am more broken than before. Worst day for me so far. Finding obsessive thoughts about her with other people very hard to shake. The urge to contact her is overwhelming. Today is more of an angry day. I'm upset that she left so easily. I'm upset that she thinks going on (tinder) dates a week later is perfectly fine. I feel disrespected and forgotten. I can barely get myself out of the house for work. Still I will resist the urge to contact. I will have my dignity if nothing else.