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claudeb

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  1. Well, don't judge if you don't know. I never took any drugs. Nor I have a drinking problem. Not everybody is the same in your imagination. You don't know the history. Don't tell me you will not be pissed if your bf runs into the bedroom calling his mother instead of talking to me.
  2. Dear figureitout23, just wanted to give you an update. I thank you very much for your time writing to me. I appreciate your words a lot. Yes I will work on my impulse control issues with a therapist I have arranged the meetings. Since 5 days I feel much better without him. I am motivated again, already set up for job interviews. My goals and visions became clear in those days. Im getting my career back, even better. Everything I have disregards through failing of my startup, Im solving all this disregarded problems now. I was very much emotionally dependent on his well being from the beginning of the relationship. All I wanted was to take care of him forever. He was my priority. If Im committed I am always like this... this part of myself I don't know how to change it.. The mutual friend of us, well actually more my friend, she received a message from him last night. I just make it short: He says he is very sorry for what he did. He never meant to hurt me in this way or threaten me to become homeless.... He was just not himself and he was confused what to do because I told him I am leaving him. He didn't see a future in that moment. He was hurt when I said Im not going to see his parents with him. And he was angry at me. He realised that he also has a huge issues in solving conflicts properly and he misses me very much. He now understands my needs and why I argued with him, because I cared. He says he is very sorry and doesn't know how to make time return. He didn't mention a word of my fault. The mutual friend forwarded the message to me this morning. I told her to not answer. (I didn't know the previous message she sent to him until she told me). It's been about 25 days - I finally got over it. I mean really got over it. I am so much focused on myself. I don't even what an answer for why. I don't care. Maybe deep inside me I do care a little, I care if his father is doing well with the cancer therapy... My dad was sending me (through a family friend who supposed to travel to here) medications for his father....I told him immediately to stop after this happened. I am flying to the States next week for my graduation and things slowly getting better. I don't think I can ever trust him again.... after all these my feelings are gone from one to another day after I wrote down that he jeopardized my safety, and the mother, when he said I was a gast there...and that he misleading me in the beginning.... What would you do? I asked him to return me the gifts on that horrible day, because I was angry. It was not my intention...I really have no idea why I say things which I don't mean (I will find a way to work on this). I was hurt when I threw the cuddle toy in the bin which he gave it to us for Christmas. Maybe I should buy a new one, the same one and return it to him? Yes I was so hurt to realise his words, I came to the conclusion, Yes I was a gast, but it was the cuddle toys home and he belongs there.
  3. I need to make things clear. We were both at our graduation stage. Since his graduated he was not working (when you do phd you work in a lab while writing papers and receive a little amount of money) either - was totally fine with me. I helped him through his defence and job search. I was there for him. Whenever he needed my advice (job wise) I was there. This fight happened exactly 4 weeks prior my own graduation. He called the police to threaten me out on the same day when my friend from Prag was on the way to visit me and supposed to stay in our apartment for 3 days and 2 days before my important job interview. I only wanted this other apartment (why the argument started) because we will both start working and the other apartment is in a lower tax region. And prior this we agreed to split the bills 50/50 (in the country we live, there are different zones for taxes). I wanted to save on taxes since we both will have a great job. There were no any bad intensions from my side. And I did not use him. I felt used when he told me he was a virgin. And I felt used when I found out he was dating girls to whom I look alike at the same time, before things became serious. It gave me the feeling nobody wanted him the way he was, and I was just a substitute.
  4. He is a grown man. He is an adult for letting the gf move in together while she was the one who paid the rent for both of us (!!) Who went grocery shopping while he was at school(!!) Who cooked most of the times for him. Who arranged a damn surprise dinner for his birthday, etc. I am not saying he ever treat me wrong. I don't care who paid for what. It is never about the money. I wanted a future with this man. He was loving and caring. But he DID NOT have to balls to have a proper communication with me when there is a conflict?!? Not able to compromise? I wanted a communication - I told him sit down let's talk, I wanted to know why - he went to the kitchen to call his mother??? And you think I am not pissed for this behaviour? I never threatened to leave him. I told him that afterwards in a long text. But he didn't have the balls to tell me he wants me to move out?? Instead of talk to me but letting his mother do it? Well. Do you know how disrespectful that is? I don't want no pity. The fact is I am in a foreign countries without families. He threatened my safety (my living situation) as he knew I had NOWHERE to go. Which hotel should I go with my part of the furnitures? Do you also think this behaviour towards the girlfriend is OK? Really hilarious. And you do think it is very respectful to let the mother packing my belongingness? Respectful? Incl. my underwears?? I have to tell you. It was a COMMON apartment, not only his. I still have my name on that registration. You have to remember I am a human, I never deserved to be treat this way. So disrespectful. I slapped him after all this happened, not before. Now I feel much to write down what I did for him and what I got in return. Sometimes I feel sad to slap the man I claim to love. But he deserves the smack. When he called the police on me, the police gave me rights but my friends didn't want me to stay with him. Understand? He had NO reason to call the police - which is also written in the police protocol.
  5. Of course. I was the one who was paying rent for us. I have savings, he doesn't. As he just graduated and not working at this moment. And I had a company until last year. I have never realised that when I said "bye" was a way of threaten a man :( It was for me a joke without any meaning....he took it serious. You are right SherrySher. I was like an entitled princess. I was just the telling trust from my perspective. What's the point to say that he is a caring, adorable who turned into a ice cold, cruel person within the same day.
  6. Long story short. It was a very healthy relationship, the night before we were in the cinema and had a lovely dinner together and woke up arm in arm (we lived together). The next day we had an argument - I was upset and told him Im leaving. The same day when I returned home he packed up my stuffs and asked me for the key. When I got home he asked me: are you hungry? Should I cook something? And I saw in the living room my stuffs were packed in luggages. I flipped out. I destroyed our photos. I threw my beloved soft toy in the bin which was his gift for me, I was broken. He yelled at me: this is my home. The next morning I received a call from his mother and she told me to leave....I was even more mad that he got his mother involved...Then he threatened me with the police and he actually called the police on me to make me leave the common apartment. (he is the one who has the contract with the landlord). I went homeless. A week later I couldn't stand this situation after we texted to each other...I went to "his" apartment, for me emotionally also mine at 11pm, a bit tipsy. He locked the door from outside and came out. I just wanted to go home...It happened so suddenly with this stupid argument. We are both not mature and both lack of communications. It was wonderful even the day before. I didn't open me the door and I gave him a smack, I left the house. I know he loves me very much, he told me I was his first love and we had future plans (two vacations booked) and marriage plans. He never lived with a woman before. We never had any arguments before living together. I do love him. He sent a common friend a day after her wedding day a message that he wishes thing would have worked out differently and he could attend the wedding alone with me. That common friend told him that I left the wedding earlier because I was sad too. I am not an aggressive person he knows that and I always took good care of him. It was that moment I wanted to go home... my heart broke to see him not letting me to go home. I wanted go home and cry. We were both acting like kids. He knew I would never leave him (maybe he did not in that moment), he called my bluffs and packed up my stuffs... So would you as a man to forgive?
  7. Dear figureitout23... going home....it was my home that night I went there and I only wanted to go it. I regret that I have left him the keys there. I couldn't believe he wanted the keys from me. Emotionally it was my home which he gave it to me, which we both tried to build it together and which he took it from me overnight. He did put a lot effort to make me feel comfortable. He bought everything new for me... It was not the language barrier, we are both native in German, I was just lazy to write the same long text again and post it here, he was trying to give excuses for what he did, so am I. Yes I have considered going home but I have no home to go... Do you think he will ever come back to me?
  8. Is there something wrong with me, that I can not hate someone? Even after this? It made me angry what he did. It did really made me upset to get his mother involved. He could talk to me and say: it's not working out, since it has been my apartment and you moved in with me, I want you to leave. His parents sent me a Christmas gift and wrote me a lovely handwritten letter which made me cry. His mother sent me another gift for the new year and the signature was: your mama. It made me also crying... Things started changing when he left the university, he was very confused and he told me he didn't know what to do, since he stayed in school until 31. At the same time his father diagnosed for cancer last stage after 3 months of chemotherapy. I had huge understandings. I understood that he wanted to take a break. But he was telling me he didn't see me putting effort to look for a job...... I told him when we met that Im focusing to finish my studies and Im on a break. Im about to finish my grade school in this month. It made me sad that he didn't understand me... Yes, I guess it's a good timing for me to focus on myself and my future career, even it doesn't look to me when the breakup happened. I know he was dead serious about me... and no I didn't ask our common friend to text him....she did it because it saddened her so much on her wedding day..she showed me message yesterday...I had no clue that he was writing to her that he wish things would worked out differently and he could attend the wedding alone with me....
  9. Is that not the same when he took my word "next week im leaving" serious to pack my stuffs. I took his words seriously too "smack me if you are angry". I did not "hit" him. I gave him a smack. I guess the biggest mistake he did was jeopardize my safety of the living situation overnight. He clearly knows that he broke the law (in the country where we live), if I ever wanted to go further, but I don't. (When he called the police to make me leave - the police told him it is not correct and its against the law as I am registered there that I should keep my keys, but at this time my friends were already getting my stuffs into the car, they didn't want me to stay there with this person). His eyes were red and he was shaking when my friend tried to talk to him and asking what happened. Actually a common friend. Two weeks before she came to "our house" to help him to prepare for some case studies. He was just standing there in the kitchen and locked up the glass door and kept saying in French I am sorry. I left the keys with him. I can forgive everything what ever happened in my life... my father left me when I was 12... I was living in a huge city by myself for 5 months alone and ate mcdonalds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When my mom found out about it 5 months later (she was living in a different city) she put me into a boarding school. I don't have no hate for my father, I love him very much. We do call each other 3 times a week. It is the same. The worst part is, I have no hate for him, for being homeless overnight.... I don't hate him and I will never be able to hate him.
  10. Also when we started dating... there is a huge baroque style building in the city center next to the river...one night when we were walking to the river I asked him what is this one for a building? He answered with: this is the place where I am going to pick you up if you got caught. It was the main police building. Yes I was never innocent in my teenage age, I was a rebel and wild girl. He called me: you are a sly dog on our third date. (I google translated this). I was not happy about it. He said it was positive. He was the nerd, the best boy at school. When I was meeting his only friend here a few months ago (a girl from his highschool class who also ended up in this country). She told me she and the others were not nice to him. She asked me if I am happy with him. I answered yes I am. Where ever he is, is where my home is. I was also very protective to him. I told him, if anyone is not nice to you, you need to tell me - and I will handle it. I thought our love was real... I was never so real with somebody with my childhood, my past..
  11. Thank you figureitout23. I have wrote this today: today is the 14th of April. Its been 14 days since the NC. The real NC gonna start now. I have understand it was my fault in the beginning, I have pushed him too much, put a lot of pressure on us, he couldn't breathe, he didn't see the future with me anymore. I will respect his decision and give him space. In the meantime I will become a better person. I need to deal and overcome my past and the influence. I need to take action of my low communication skills - I will not hurt nobody anymore and also myself. I will focus myself for the graduation. To go or not to go. I will graduate. I find will a good job. If not now, I will take everything to make money - to make it moving. I will change my past and make my future brighter. I will learn from my mistakes and yes I will make things better in the future. What I did wrong: I willingly moved into his apartment. Begging or now. It was his wish but I willingly did it. I cannot put the culture difference as an excuse for my wrongly behaviour. I did not appreciate Claude - he was really putting a lot of efforts to meet my expectations. I pushed him too much I said things I never meant - it was wrong. In the future I will think before I ever say something It was wrong to smack him - no better what he has done. About the smack on this face. Two weeks ago before this happened. He made me very upset and he cried, because he cared so much to not lose me. He went down on the knees and was holding my hand and told me to smack him if I am angry. I told him: I will never smack you. And I hugged him. We both cried. A few days after I picked up the rest of my stuffs, I wrote him this: For what I did wrong, that I was loud, I am sorry. I forgot that you are sensitive too. I've never had intention to hurt you. My heart went broken, that you have packed my things. It was very bad for me what you did. I do not wish you this pain. You were suddenly so vicious. Your behaviour saddens me until today. I'm also only 31 years old, I'm also an only child. I have no one here, I'm alone in the city. Where should I go in the taxi with all the things. It's not as easy as you imagine. I do not have a flat yet, if I can not find a place to live and work until the end of this week, I will leave this country. Then you can throw away the dresser. I actually want you to keep them. I wish we can separate in a good way. That's what you do as adults. Because you were not my enemy and I was not yours. He replied with this: You forget to mention all the demands you made on me in such a short time. I do not see a common future for both of us. Nevertheless I wish you good luck, success, and satisfaction in your future life. All the best. I replied: sorry I went on google translation to translate the long text into English I'm sorry if you were thinking this way. Those were compromises for me, there are compromises in a relationship. First of, I wanted to do something good for you with the tax reductions, and at that moment, I was just thinking of having a future together with a cat. For me, you did not want the common future. I was hurt at the moment. In order not to show my vulnerability the moment you were not nice, I've told you things that I'm never allowed to tell you to protect myself. I'm sorry. That is a cultural difference. Not because I had material demands, I never had them, only demand for a common future. There is, probably you do not know "high context and low context culture", if you lived outside of Western Europe or worked somewhere else, you would understand it immediately and react differently. I did not take into account all these months that you take it another way. It is an explanation and a matter of understanding. I did not explain that to you well. You were not aware of this cultural difference. When you get to know each other so close, you just started to feel it. For me you were very very close to me, no one was so close to me. Therefore I could not know that before. Unfortunately my way to express myself/ to approach you was wrong. I have a Chinese background, you could not understand this "higher context" in your Western European way of thinking. At work, I've always been aware of who I was dealing with, but privately forgotten, because nobody was so private with me. That will not happen anymore, I will change. And I'm just also a human being, the difference in perception was also not aware for me. Just because I love you made me angry. That's why I know why you're angry. And you know how I am, that was a bargain for me, my buyer instinct wanted to access. (my profession is procurement manager...the apartment was too cheap and good, I therefore wanted to have it) And I was not alone anymore, I was with you and not as your guest! This sentence really hit me deeply. That's why I wanted your approval but it was misplaced. You should always make a joint decision in a relationship. I know how you cried in front of me ... I know that you love me very much, that can not be played ... I do not like to see you cry, I know that you love me and only because of that you were very angry ... I appreciate your effort. if that is not the case, you will not be angry otherwise. And we both would not be mad at each other and hurt. I told you a long time ago, if I say something that is evil, I do not mean it that way. Mouth like knife, heart like tofu. Is a Chinese saying. I told you that. No matter how it ends, I do not want you to hate me. I want to clear this cultural misunderstanding out of our way. For me, the moment I am a cat, when a cat is angry and is normal for a cat, she throws things away. I know it made you so scared and angry. For me I was a cat, I want to be hugged, and I asked myself why is he screaming at me. Then sadly stunned. You've always said you love my cat behaviour, you're not supposed to love my bad cat behaviour, I'll change that, but I ask for your understanding to understand me. Let's think about the good side, it was more than the misunderstandings. We both made a lot of effort to make each other happy. You were not one-sided. I vowed to take you the way you were last year, and at Christmas I swore I would support and love you forever. I meant it, too. It breaks my heart to think of having to pick up the chest of drawers I got for the shared home, that was not my intention. Let us have understanding for each other. I understand, I really have a lot of sympathy that it is depressing you with your father. And more, because day and night I thought about how this could happen because of the cultural difference between high and low context. Let us understand each other.
  12. Hi Jesper01. Thank you!! Your post opened up my eyes. I was just abandoned...but I believe he wanted to make things working as much as I wanted. Could you share more of your case and could you please read my post and tell me what you think? I appreciate. We were madly in love with each other and we were dead serious about each other. He told me (after 4 months, of course we already had sex) I was his first real girlfriend and that he was a virgin before. It shocked me but I accepted the fact, I accepted everything about this man: not handsome, very short, a bit overweighted, he is a nerd, studies until 31 (with a Phd), grew up well protected, only child, he is not good at conflict situations(I will explain the mother in our relationship later) Me: started dating with 15, way more mature than my age, good looking, grew up the hardcore way, not well protected, studies and worked in 3 continents, not have much but financially independent, doing my MBA. We are both 31. We have the same interest, love technology, love to fly, love to dive, love food, love opera, love cultivated stuffs, even the fact that I haven't watched TV for 10 years, we loved the same TV shows, we love to serving to each other, to take care of each other, we could't sleep without each other after only 2 months. After only 3 months I moved into his apartment. I didn't want it in the beginning, I have an Asian background, living together with my partner is too much commitment for me, that I need have to marry him. He lost weight with my help, with my cookings. When he was still doing the Phd, he came back home the food was ready. I did spa to him, was giving him a facial treatment once in two weeks. Yes I cut his hairs to make him save money, whenever he needed me, his "graduation", every time, everything(he was a bit stressed because his father has cancer and leaving the university starting a new life), I was there for him to make him to relax. We bought some new furnitures and we decorated the house. He got me a Christmas tree, because it was important for me to have one. He was allowed to give me head massage when I was taking a bath. Ever friend told me they could see how obsessed he was with me. We had two not serious fights since I moved into his apartment. First: It was about that I haven't met his parents in person. Which for me its not respectful to live with the partner without knowing the parents. So he booked the flights to Luxembourg to let me meet his family. Second: I wanted to get married soon. I know it's crazy, but it's my background... not only the cultural difference (Im Asian, grew up in Europe) I am on my own since I was 17 y.o. Very independent, ambitious, career driven until last year. (He didn't see this side of me, as my startup failed shortly before we met each other, I tried so hard, I have put my everything into this project - I wanted it to take a break before graduating with the MBA in May.) Being through a lot of things in my young age, I have seen many different things, I have travelled to see the world (more than 50 countries), I was ready to settle down with the man I love and would take care of him for the rest of my life. It was him. I told him that. As he told me, he is not ready, maybe in 5 years. I said I will leave him, I cannot wait for 5 years. He went on his knee, he cried so bad and begged me to stay. It broke my heart to see him crying. He explained me that he will work every work this year to be able to have a salary negotiation next year, so we could save up some money, and we could provide more to our children, and he will be ready. I accepted it. I understood I cannot leave him break his heart and I was ready to be a mama with 35, I will still be a good mother at 35. Fight three: I have found a very cheap but way more bigger apartment so I wanted to move in with him in May. (He will start his job in June). For me it was the perfect one, bigger, and with a small garden. He didn't want it and I was mad. He said I freak out. I raised my voice. I said things I didn't mean it like then I will leave you. You can cancel the flight to Luxembourg. Then he started yelling at me: if you don't go to Luxembourg with me, it's over!!! You move out by the 1th of May!!! He then went to the bedroom and called his mother....I was mad because the mother knows our love details.. and I wished for the support of the mother for my choice. So I left our house and went to see a friend. I sent him a text message hours later to say Im sorry to be yelling at you. Im leaving next week. I didn't mean it, I was mad. When I came back home, he already packed up everything of my stuffs!! I was in a shock!!! He asked me for the keys! He deleted my photo on instagram "with the love of my life", he took out our pictures from the frames. I was incredibly **** - so I throw all the gifts away what he gave me and I ripped our pictures. I throw things at him. He yelled at me: this is my apartment. During that night I went on his ipad and found out all the conversations - he lied to me. He said he was never with a Chinese girl before. Well, there were 3 others, he took all of us to the same restaurants, same bars, even the same selfie from the same place and the same gifts. It confused me very much. I didn't feel special anymore. Every woman deserves to feel special right. The next morning his mother called me to tell me to get a taxi and move into a hotel room....that he cannot throw me out, then I leave by myself...what a mother. I could not believe he involved this mother into this.... it was so insensitive you know... It was a common home. Emotionally it was my home. I cried because the mother said this to me. He wanted to have his ipad back, I pushed him away. He threatened me with the police! To leave by 12:30!! Well, I had to call my friends to come over....They came and she said if you have two balls just pay her a hotel room. Why don't you leave. He answered with: I have already paid the rent here for two months. I mean regardless. You cannot imagine my shock in that moment. The police came and I moved to my friend's place and we returned him the keys. Long story short: 5 days later I went back there to pick up the rest of my stuffs - the mother drove all the way from Luxembourg and helped him packing my stuffs. So disrespectful. The mother was watching me over to see me carrying the bags.... I said to my friend what a mama's boy in front of her and also what a sociopath. I told him you will never see me again and he mother was like: what a luck. Unbelievable. I understand what I must hurt him so much - and then I was hurt. His eyes were without emotions, so cruel, so cold. His mother's eyes were filled with anger. He had a witness there when he was turning me my gifts to him and handling me over my letters. I was from the one to another day homeless in a foreign country, he abandoned me 3 weeks before my graduation (I need to fly to the US for the graduation). A few days later when I was drunk I went to e place at night, it made me very angry because he locked the door from outside (it was for me my home), he came down and I slap him and left. Well, he of course called the police again but I already left and I don't remember that I should have slap him. I know it from my mother. He called my mother the following day to tell her that I was aggressive and dangerous. The police called me 2 days ago and wanted my statement. I haven't contact him since then, it's been 10 days. I understand that I have hurt him with: I don't go to Luxembourg with you. He is extremely sensitive and he cannot deal with conflicts, he is way too much protected by his mother. And I am more mature, I know only love is not enough, its the compromises, its the communications, its the ability to solve problems when you cool off. He will never understand this, because his mother has his back and she doesn't think this way. He had plans with me, he had a whole week planed with me. And even a week before he had booked a surprise weekend for me. The surprise weekend was one week later he went nuts. But packing my stuffs because of a fight was too much for me. And threaten me with the police, I mean what grown up man will call the police...telling me I don't have a contract with the landlord...getting his mother involved and abandon me was too much to put on me.
  13. Thank you Billie28. I very much appreciate your reply. You made my eyes open. It was my fault in the first place, I am very immature. Well...because in the country I live, it is a common apartment, both of us are registered officially to this apartment. It is not only his. And it was over night..shortly before my exams and graduation. Without having families here I was helpless, didn't know where to go at this moment with all of my stuffs incl. furnitures. I did say that I will leave, I will take ownership of my behaviour. My heart was broken also. And you are right, I did it willingly with the moving.
  14. Thank you for replying. I appreciate. Yes I was aggressive...after we didn't told or without any communication he packed my stuffs and threatened me with the police and lied to the police that he felt threatened by a mutual female friend (maybe he really did) My friend just told him to man up, why don't you leave or pay her a hotel for a month, it is not only your apartment...it was a mutual home. We bought furnitures together prior I moved in. I am still legally registered there... I am not mature, I understand it now. I have added something, if you have time please read it and let me know what you think about it. Appreciate. Thank you.
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