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Everything posted by abigheart

  1. Tired Tiger, thanks for your insight from the start of this thread to now! My question though is...what if the ex did not request NC but rather wanted to still have open communication, perhaps not as often? I wish that I had read this thread thoroughly months ago before announcing and going full-on NC as I feel like now NC not the right "fit" for me in moving on. People purport there is no other way than NC, but I am really seeing that it's not applicable to everyone's situations. 6 months into the break-up, I am thankful that I have a far better understanding of why he broke up with me; I see where things went wrong on my part DESPITE the fact he NEVER said anything about my behavior as a result of him breaking it off. I suppose my ex was just trying to be nice, but I will believe him when he did say that it's just not his time right now to be in a long-term r/s (We were together for 2). I still take responsibility for my own actions, and I want to change that for the next r/s, whether it's with him or not. With that said, maybe it's good that keeping up NC for almost 5 months now helped me see these things, but I'm reaching a point where things get blurry...I just don't know if NC is right any more for me given my ex/my personality, our dynamic and the circumstances of the break-up and r/s. It's what I genuinely feel deep down. But everyone--my friends, family, the ENA board--have driven NC into my head so much that I feel like I ironically epitomize what was mentioned in the earlier pages of "resistance = attachment." Thus, I still feel an attachment to my ex and the break-up without ever reaching out to him. What really spoke to me in the earlier pages was what one of the members said about approaching the break-up as a meditation practice. Is it possible or is it too late to start to open lines of communication? I want to still have open communication with him and just let things flow, not in an effort to get him back but to really face things as they are. I just feel like maintaining NC was a total tactic on my part now for him to "miss me," to see what he's missing out on etc, etc, but if HE wanted to have open lines of communication immediately after the break-up, why wasn't I so willing? Sigh, I'm being too hard on myself I guess? I don't want to backtrack but I feel like opening the lines of communication will just help me practice a more meditative approach towards him and the break-up. So far, I've just held SO MUCH in because of NC that I just want to burst. Would it be a bad idea? I feel like I've pulled far too away esp when he wasn't interested in finding someone else, but rather himself...I can't blame him for that. Thank you for your feedback in advance. This has been killing me inside, and I feel much more alive re-reading this thread.
  2. I miss you so much, and I want to tell you how my day went and all the great things that have been happening at work since I've started. I know you would be proud of me. I think that's what I miss most - being able to have someone there to tell about my day and vice versa. I wonder how your thesis work is coming along, and I want to ask you if you'd like to teach me how to ride a fixed gear bike since you've picked it up. There is so much I want to just gush to you about and discuss - from my new job and how I'm doing really well there and enjoying my co-workers, to our friends' beer brewing business they are so serious about. I want to just talk and talk with you at the park we would walk to. I want to do that without walking away expecting...something and feeling sadness and emptiness for what was... I hope one day we can. But I realize right now we're at such different points and places in our lives. I'm happy for you - you're finishing your last year in college, you're meeting new people, you're getting serious about academia...I really am. But I'm going through some changes myself - I'm finally in the "real world" and have been treated well so far, I'm making friends with my co-workers. But in the end, I miss you. I love you so much, and I hope you know that I have to maintain NC because it hurts to see and hear from you. As much as I want to, as much as my heart yearns so badly to be in touch with you...I can't. Not right now. So I hope you know that I don't hate you or harbor ANY bad feelings at all for your needing to break it off. I miss you, and I hope you know that you can still come to me when you feel alone.
  3. I've had my lows this past week, but I'm up again. I went on a beautiful walk this morning and as I took my time, looking at every blooming flower, to feel the sun and breeze hit me, I realized that I am so thankful for my life, with or without you. I wish you could have joined me on this walk, but I'm starting to believe that my life is worth so much than pain and sadness over someone who does not want me. Crying and being sad over you is not the love story God wanted me to have.
  4. Maybe I shouldn't have gone out tonight...I need to stop talking about you to other people. I saw our mutual friend at the pub. It was a bad idea to go out tonight because I knew by the time I got home I would look at old photos of us together on Facebook and see how you are doing. I try to always put up a defense before I click, "I'll be okay, I'll be okay," cringing as I click and scroll through. I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't see anything new. Pathetic, aren't I? You haven't looked at my page in months, I'm sure of it. Sigh, I miss you a lot. I moved into my new place, and the one person I want to show this place is to you. I wish we can cuddle and talk as long as we used to, laugh and laugh, eat cookies in bed while I fall asleep in your arms when we watch a movie on your laptop. I miss playing footsie before bed and waking up to see you next to me. I miss looking forward to coming over to your place after a long day's work. I can't believe I haven't seen or heard from you in 4 months. I can't believe we split close to half a year ago. I can't believe I have been able to make it THIS far without reaching out to you once. I've been close, believe me. But at the same time, I can't believe I am not in the SLIGHTEST bit over you. I still love you so much, and I am fighting back tears as I write this. I try to be a tough cookie, but sometimes all I want to do is just run into your arms and know that everything is okay. But I can't. I know you are in another place in your life, and well, so am I. Maybe our paths will cross one day, but I guess time will tell when that is. Right now, all I want to do is call you up, say hello and that I miss you. I wonder every day, if you still think of me. You can do anything you want in your life but the last thing I want is for you to think badly of me. Do you? I really hope you don't. I hope that, if anything, you know you're doing this for YOU. I hope that you still are looking out for me, too. It's hard to tell sometimes what exactly happened, how we ended here, but in the end we both didn't see eye to eye in the relationship. One time in the past we did. I wish you good health and happiness - today was the first day of classes, right? You're a senior in college! I'm curious to know how your thesis planning and all that is going. I bet you're going to do great. And I want to tell you about my new job and how much I really like it there. You'd be so impressed, I know it. I love you so much, and I know that if you love someone, the best thing sometimes is to leave him/her alone. I'm sorry we couldn't be friends like you had hoped, but I would have robbed myself of healing, I would have continued hurting and hurting while I keep on a smile just for you. I hope you understand why I needed to cut ties. I am trying to give you as much space as you need. I hope you know that I"m not doing this as a means to get you back or to provoke a reaction from you...you deserve to be yourself and to go for what you really want in your life. If that meant leaving me, then it meant leaving me. One thing I regret not telling you when we parted ways for good, and I told you friendship was impossible...I wish I had told you that I am still here for you when the going gets tough. I wouldn't want you trying to go on as if everything is okay, but deep down, I really hope you know I'm here for you when you're scared about certain things that happened with us. I hope you know I'm still someone you can trust and look to. I'm still here.
  5. I was the worst girlfriend ever by becoming so clingy and attached. Wish we could go back to the days when I was more carefree... I hope you don't cringe whenever you think of me.
  6. I just watched Juno on TV and remembered how I learned that song at the end of the movie and played it for you in my backyard. I was so shy and nervous to play it for you, but you loved it. I'm starting to tear up thinking about it, but I wish we could go back to those days when everything was just so simple and we were in love.
  7. Sorry, I didn't get through all 14 pages...but I feel like I am capable of being friends with my ex as long as I KNOW we will NOT get back together. Are you possibly saying it's okay to break contact and intiiate it? Knowing my ex, I think he would be happy to hear from me. He won't ever ignore a call, he hasn't reached out these past 2+ months but mainly out of respect of my announcing NC in May. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to contact. I am definitely wanting to heal but at the same time, it's hard not to think...well, why can't I just keep my cool and live my life in this VERY moment and not have to think so far ahead about "us." Eh easier said than done.
  8. I went through my email inbox to read our old e-mails. Needless to say, reading them brought me to tears. I miss you so much. The weather's so nice, I want to just ride my bike with you, go get groceries together, lounge around and be lazy. I hope you are thinking about me just as much as I'm thinking about you, even if you choose not to be with me.
  9. Broke the several weeks of NC by checking his fb. Damn it - was doing so well!! I don't feel really bad about anything. There was nothing in his feed that made me feel any worse...so I'm thankful I didn't feel that punch-in-stomach-feeling. I'm more disappointed in myself. I blame being slightly tipsy but whatever... I wonder when I'm going to REALLY get my act together. I've "done well" so far by not being in contact for the past 2 months but when do I really feel like I can do without him? who knows? I cried today after doing so..still feel like I lost the love of my life. It's cliche to hear that, but I took him for granted...whether he feels that way or not, who knows, but I know that I lost something good. Just having one of those nights.
  10. It's been pretty much 4 months since the break-up, and I am not the least bit over you. I am moving on in that I haven't reached out to you in 2 months, I have a new job, new plans, etc. But I am just not over you. At all. I am scared that I will never be. I know that's a lot to say, but to this day I can't stop beating myself up for the way I carried the relationship. I drove you away. Simple as that. I miss you so much it's unbelievable. I wish you would reach out to me...
  11. I can't believe it's Day 57! All those who are just starting out on Day 1 or in the early stages - it gets easier!! Hang in there, and you will just not want to pick up that phone. Facebook seems harder but I haven't checked his in weeks nor do I intend to Today was my first day at my job in the real world. Now that I'm working, it's a good distraction, and I'm very happy with where I'm at. Since I made the move, I'm even closer to my ex in distance. Worst part is, I am temporarily living in an apt that is 2 doors away from where my ex used to live. Funny how life works out, but it's been also a trip down memory lane every time I walk out the door. Pretty painful. I'm doing ok though. I keep wondering if I'll ever see or run into him these next few months...but he won't be hearing from me!
  12. I don't remember what the full-on NC day I'm on is, but I've reached something like Day 52 now of almost full NC (facebook checking was a weakness in the first month, but I've been good and have not checked in the last 1.5-2 weeks! I am so proud of myself, and I find myself feeling better. I think it's because there are good things happening for me. I graduated college, I just got hired for my first real job 2 days ago (phew! the bad economy didn't prevent me from finding one) and I have a feeling if I just keep up NC and focus on what's important, I'll be in a good place. Now and then, it's hard. It's hard knowing he has no desire to contact me EVEN though I announced NC. That and wondering how he's feeling. I'm sure he's doing a lot better than I am. So I guess right now, dealing with NC has been pretty easy - I have no urges to contact him. The hardest part is missing him.
  13. Day 4. I cried last night because I missed him so much. I fought back the urge to look at his profile, and I'm happy I didn't cave. I don't want to be set back, so I just want to plow through this.
  14. I was doing fine the entire day, but now I just really miss you. One of your good friends dropped me off home after we got together at our friends' house. I forgot that our mutual friends have gotten even closer. He told me he's visiting you tomorrow up north. I bet you're really excited for the weekend then. I wish I could have been a part of it, too still. I want to cry right now, but I'm fighting back tears. I miss you so much, and I wish I were still an important part of your life.
  15. Np, it really helps The only thing is holding back from typing his/her name in the search box...ugh.
  16. Hey! There's totally a solution for that!! If something about her pops up on your live feed, like her status update for example, drag your mouse over to it on the side of it and you will see a little "x" button that allows you to HIDE her activity for good so nothing will come up again! Hope it works!
  17. Day 3 (but technically Day 36...I'd be on a roll if I had never checked his facebook!) I'm feeling much better than yesterday especially after reading this excellent blog post: link removed I keep repeating in my mind, "Reject the rejector!" and it feels pretty damn good. I am continuing with the thought stopping techniques and trying to keep myself busy...I wish I had something to do, but I guess job hunting is enough to get my mind off things.
  18. I miss you, but I'm slowly starting to step you down from that pedestal I kept you up on for these past few months. You are not worth my tears any more.
  19. Day 2. I think I am beginning to knock some real sense into me - he won't come back. I just know. This timing thing is ridiculous, we're each other's first loves and first break-ups...I'm sure the statistic is extremely low for us to get back together. So I just know that the cold hard truth is he probably has no intention of reconciling. I don't want to hold onto hope anymore. I've been trying out the stop thought technique, and it's been helping. I want to get better for ME now, and I have so many things I want to do and accomplish.
  20. Day 2 but more like Day 1 I told myself not to go on his facebook again. But I did, after a friend posted that she saw him and his roommate at the gym in a tagged note. The link to his profile was begging to be clicked, and I did. I didn't look through pictures, but just a sad feeling crept over me right now. Moments before I was feeling okay. This just shows I need to stay the hell away from his page...it just triggers too much. So this is Day 1 again, and I really need to learn how to let go. I am trying my best to tell myself there is no future with him again. First loves I guess are meant as tools for learning...
  21. The break-up has reached a little more than 3 months. I technically started the NC challenge a month ago, and although I never reached out to him via phone or e-mail, I still checked his facebook from time to time. Thus, I need a FRESH start. I will not ask my friends what he has been up to, etc. I will most importantly not check his facebook. I can't stop the thoughts of him in my head, but I will try my best to not fall into anything that might trigger past feelings and set me back. So this is day 1 of COMPLETE NC. Yesterday when a friend told me about how he was at a mutual friend's grad party night at a bar, I was so upset. I kept telling myself "I should have gone" and even if I had gone and we were already NC at that point, maybe he would have bought me a drink or maybe he would have asked me to dance. I know they are totally friendly, but I couldn't help but be envious that my ex had done those two things but out of complete friendliness and care. I know I shouldn't look into it, it was just a nice gesture of him. Spending my birthday without him killed me, but I am strong. I can get through this.
  22. I can't believe I cried on my birthday because you wouldn't text me. Even though we're no longer in contact, I thought you would at least send me a text. But you didn't. I miss you so much, and I wish this were easier. I wonder all the time how you're coping with it. I want to pick up the phone sometimes, and just ask how you are and catch up with you but now that we're more than 300 miles apart, I don't think it will do any good for me to be back in your life, and vice versa. Sounds like you're having a blast though...
  23. I've actually been doing well without you these past few days, and it feels good, almost like I'm floating, taking things in, letting things flow, almost like I have the ability to get on without you. I'm no longer giving you any "breaks." I'm just going to live my life, and I haven't felt much of an urge to call you any longer. I don't intend to anymore. You can live your life, I can live mine. Someone told me I was beautiful tonight. I don't have any hard feelings towards you but I hope one day it will hit you, how you decided to pass me up.
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