Capthxc

Not sure how long it's been since NC was last broke, maybe 4 weeks or so. But im back at square 1. I dont feel as horrible about it -yet-. I simply sent her a short e-mail, just saying that i'd like to hear how she's been holding up, and bringing up a few things i remember her mentioning before we broke up, like her training for work and telling her i hope it went well. Asked her how her halloween went and said i had a pretty decent one. Nothing too serious or clingy. Left it off with my contact info since my phone number changed the day we broke up. To be honest, i'm not sure what i'm expecting from it. I stumbled upon her facebook page and she had a new picture up and she looked absolutely stunning. It gave me that ache i felt when i first saw her, and it triggered me to send that e-mail, no matter how hard i tried to resist i just couldnt. So Day 1 Feeling good, but not great.

Agree 100% It's nice to hear stories about reconciliation, but dont let it instill you with false hope. People around here need to learn that ex's are ex's for a reason. Getting back together and starting a new relationship with an ex are two different things. I find most success stories stem from the fact that couples decided to start over instead of jumping back into something that didnt work. I myself would love for my most recent ex to come back. She was a wonderful person that i took for granted. But I need to do some major work on myself if that was to ever happen. I couldnt jump back into what we had, or else we would just end up breaking up again and feeling even more horrible about it. If i was to get back with her it would have to be after some significant time has passed and she wants to allow me back into her life. It's not really about just me anymore, or even just her, but it's about what we both need. Let these stories make you feel better about your situation, but dont give yourself false hope. I did for 2 months and in the end it made me feel even worse.

Day 10(or is it 11, since our last contact that is, not BU) Im so angry right now. I want to let this anger loose. I want her to know how much she has hurt me and what sort of damage she has done to my psyche. I want her to hurt as bad as i am right now. And thats abnormal for me. For the past 2 weeks or so i didnt care what she did. I didnt even think about her too much. But tonight i went out to the bar with my brother, sprained my ankle, and noticed that she's still up to the same things she was doing that led up to the break up and it makes me absolutely furious. I've never felt this angry before, i've never felt the need to punch something to get this kind of stress off my shoulders. Everything is irritating me right now, and a big part of me knows that if i end up sending her the angry e-mail or message, that it wont be recived very well, and everything i've done over the past month or so will be in vain. Talk about a game of tug of war with myself, this is almost too much.

Day 7 Had my usual ups and downs today, but i haven't woken up depressed in nearly a week now, so that's a huge plus. I signed up for a dating site the other day, i know a few people have told me not to get back into the dating scene yet because i will compare everyone to her, but i don't think that will be the case anymore. Plus im not really looking for anything serious, just trying to meet up with a few people to boost my confidence and see what ends up happening. I've already gotten some positive responses, so that's really helped. I've reached the point to where i dont really care what she is doing anymore, i just check out of habit, and i have a feeling that habit will be broken soon. I feel so much stronger after all of this. The negativity i held towards myself before and during the relationship is gone now. I almost feel like a new person because of it. I just need to fix the apparent laziness that i've become accustomed to over the past few weeks, and i'll be back on the right track. Still considering therapy though, i think talking to a professional will be highly beneficial to me in the long run. Waking up looking forward to what each day might bring me, its such a good feeling.

Day 6 (day 31 if you want to get technical) Another great day. Slept in, went out to the bar, went dancing, got some good food. I even dressed myself up real good today, much more than i normally do for the bar. Casual bar day turned into snazzy bar day. I just wish i could have gotten pictures of me on that dance floor with the select few girls i was dancing with. Yeah, you could say it's to make her jealous, but for a totally different reason this time around. Not to win her back, but to piss her off. To make her realize that history -doesnt- repeat itself, and that im fully capable of taking care of myself and having a good time without her in my life. It's a great feeling to reach that point, let me tell you.

I hope you realize that spending 12+ hours a day on wow is unhealthy. But im sure you dont care. You're having fun without me in your life and you're meeting new people. Hell, im willing to be that you just -love- the attention youre getting from all of the introverted guys who would love to have a chance with you. Maybe it will turn out like we did, maybe it wont. If it does then i guess that goes to show both you and me what you really thought of our relationship. Wish you could get back into your artsy mood, going out and taking pictures, staying in and drawing and crafting. But i guess electronic stimulation is better than expressing yourself, right?

Day 5 I can feel the healing process starting to take its effect. Last night was great. Training with my brother and watching everyone else train helped me relieve some stress. I was able to keep myself from signing in anything to check up on her aside from AIM. I still wonder what shes up too, but whatever, it's her life now, and at the moment im not a part of it. If i continue to dig then im going to just continue down this downward spiral and i will never move on. I'm starting to accept that it may take months, maybe even longer, before reconciliation is possible, and by then who knows, maybe ill be with someone else or maybe i'll want to be alone.

Days 1-4 Restarted no contact ever since she texted me the other day. The first few days were brutal, i went digging and uncovered some information i would have been better off not knowing. I'm starting to understand that ignorance is bliss, and if i keep digging im going to continue to hurt myself. On day 4 now, and today is the first day i dont feel compelled to search up her friends on facebook or log into WoW to see if shes playing or not. I know shes playing, i know the guys shes playing with are probably hounding her because shes female, but whatever. If thats the path she wants to take then so be it. I'm going out to train with my brother today and were gonna get some good eats afterwords. I've been able to play xbox games again, as i dont feel the need to stare at my screen all day waiting for some sort of message. I got another e-mail typed out, but i have no plans on sending it just yet. We shall see how i feel at the one month mark. Tomorrow will be the 1 month anniversary of our break up, but for some reason i'm just not as focused on it as i thought i would be. Good days a head, i hope.

I'm sorry i broke our silent NC rule today, but i felt like i really needed to say that. You know i wasnt expecting a response, and i'm glad you didnt respond. I just hope all this space i've given you changes things. I hope we can start over from square one, despite the fact that you said its impossible to start over. I'd like to think that was just your emotions taking over. Friends are telling me i was just your long term rebound. That i was your crutch to move on, and once you finally moved on after about a year you had no need for me anymore, that you wanted to live up the single life without mr overprotective in your life. But i think what we shared was much more then that. You said you loved me more than you have ever loved someone in your life, your texts to me yesterday only prove to me that you still think about me, no matter how nonchalant and cold they might have seemed. I love you Christina, and a big part of me knows you love me too, but you just cant deal with the relationship right now because of stress, which i completely understand.

Day 17 Woke up a lot earlier than usual again with the same depressed feeling i had yesterday. These meds are making me really tired, spent most of the day napping on and off. I wrote up an e-mail to her today, but i didnt send it. It's mainly about how i wanted to thank her for everything she has done for me. I never really got the chance to say thank you. I think she's a little angry about that since it went straight from BU to desperation to empty apologies. Regardless, i have it saved as a draft in my inbox, and im not going to send it for at least another week until i hit that 4 week mark. Part of me is hoping her emotions have settled a little bit, and another part of me wants to wait for my own emotions to settle a little more, so i can revise it if need be. Its nothing deep or emotional, just a short thank you letter, and it has my contact info on it because im pretty sure she got rid of it right after the break up. A lot of people, and even people on this forum have told me not to send anything and just stick to NC and wait until she allows me back into her life, but my gut, my heart, and my instincts keep telling me to send it. Perhaps my feelings will change by next monday, but i really doubt it. Going to work up the strength through this tired daze ive been in to work out again, but i dont think ill be successful, chances are ill just sleep until the TV is free and watch some of my shows tonight.

Day 16 Started my medication last night. Dunno if it was the meds or what but i woke up feeling so much more depressed than usual. However that feeling faded after about an hour or so, and i went out to take care of some business and i have been fine ever since. Went out to the bar with a few friends to eat and drink, but when i got home it was back to my usual behavior of checking her friends on facebook to see if i could see her talking about someone else being in her life, or checking out how shes been doing, since i removed her from FB. Still checking her status on AIM to see if shes home from work or not. Debated on whether or not i should break NC yet, and i thought about how i should nonchantly go about it. Maybe ask her how she has been doing over the past month, or asking her how her training at work has been going. But i stopped myself. I keep telling myself if she wants to come back, if she wants to talk to me, then she will do it on her own accord. If she doesnt than she obviously didnt feel the same way i did about the relationship, and lied to me when she said how beautiful it was. Which in turn, makes me realize that its not worth wasting my time and emotions on something like that. This week is going to be extra rough. I started my 2 week vacation, and this was supposed to be the time of the month that i was going out to visit her.

Havent posted here in about a week or so. But anyways Day 14/15 Still on that rollercoaster. I came so close to messaging her today, and im afraid as the day goes on i just might do it. I was feeling really low this morning, so low that i couldnt fall back asleep. I had the simple line i wanted to say all typed out and ready to go, but i refused to hit that enter key. Part of me is afraid of the rejection, and another part of me is afraid she will think im pushing her, or that im still dwelling in the past. The other half of me thinks if i dont make contact soon, she will just give up and move on, if she hasnt yet. I still think shes waiting for me to take the initiative. I saw my doctor for the first time in years today. She put me on some antidepressants. I figured that my best course of action would be to wait until the medication takes effect until i say anything to her again. I've acknowledged that if im the one to break my NC rule, that i cant be an emotional mess when i do so, because if she does respond to it and i end up getting upset or talk about the past, it will be that final straw that broke the camels back, and i wont have any hope left to hang on to.

Its been 3 weeks since i sent that e-mail. 3 long weeks and i was so sure you would have said something to me by now. You would have checked in on me, tried to see how i was doing. But i was wrong. We went from talking to each other every day, not going more than 2 or 3 hours without at least texting each other to this. Have you given up on me? I still sign into WoW and i see you playing with the person whom i can only assume is your new boyfriend. You guys are always on together, and its someone who never even appeared until i was out of the picture. Can you blame me for doing that though? You live 900 miles away from me, and its the only way i can see what you are up too. When you first told me you wanted to play the game to bridge the gap between us while you were away i knew right away, from my previous addiction to the game, that it would destroy our relationship. But i wanted to make you happy, so i said yes. And i was right. You got hooked, and it put more distance between us than 900 miles could ever do. I know i was wrong for saying i wanted to cut off contact with you, and saying goodbye when i didnt mean it. But the next day when i -tried- to take it back, you could have at least acknowledged me. You told me you have never ignored me before, even though it never really felt that way. You blamed some of the situations in which i assumed these things on your bad memory. Whatever the case may be, what hurts the most isnt the fact that you ended the relationship, and not even over the phone, over a god damn instant messanger, the lowest form of breaking up in my opinion. Thats fine though, you werent happy, and we would hate each other now if we kept going in circles. But what hurts is you cant even answer a simple yes or no question. You cant even tell me you dont know the answer, i get silence and im forced to assume the worst. You said the mere thought of us breaking up and never talking again made you sick to your stomach, you constantly told me you were always here for me, and now nothing. I love you Christina, and the only regret i have is that i pushed you so far away from me that you cant love me back.

Hopefully its not too late for me. For a few days after the break up i went into desperation mode, even when i said i didnt want to be friends. I begged and pleaded and got no answer. I sent an e-mail about a week later, clearing things up, telling her that im finally okay with the break up, and how im trying to move on, and if we never talk again then i wish her the best of luck. There was still a little bit of desperation in the e-mail, but i think/hope it was the right thing to do. I havent made any contact since, except when i accidentally sent her a message, but promptly apologized and haven't said anything since.

Day 5 Feeling a little more confident about sticking to NC. Ive been able to stay positive today, more so then any other day. I'm sure the little bit of alcohol i had helped that a bit, but i refuse to let myself transform into an alcoholic over this. I'm starting to convince myself more and more that the situation arose out of frustration and irritation. I think when those thoughts and feelings towards me die down, ill hear something from her. If by the end of this month of NC i do not however, im going to try and initiate some friendly contact, open up with something like "how have you been doing" or just simply asking whats up. If i still get no response then im going full time NC and will accept the fact that i probably wont talk to her again.