FreeAgain

Well, we met last night and talked about alot of things. She was very emotional and i was kinda surprised about all the feelings she still had for me. When it ended, I truly thought it was over for good (i guess that comes from past experiences). She said she never lost any feelings for me and cared for me just as much as ever. She did feel like she needed more space towards the end but truly regreted the way she got it. There was alot guilt she felt for how it ended and wasnt sure if i would ever be able to forgive her and trust her again. Just alot of emotional stuff with her crying about what had happened and how she wishes we could end up together as we were before. We were at a point (before she left) where we talked alot about marriage. I had to be sure she wanted the same things as before, so i did have alot of questions for her. What she wanted out of life (in gerneral and with me). How she pictured the future being with me and if thats what she truly wanted. And for that to happen I would have to be the last. Also that I am graduating and moving away in Dec/Jan and how she felt about that (if she would leave everything here and come with me). Everything she said was honest and from the heart and what i wanted to hear. I havent been able to forget the feelings i had for her, so we did decide to give our love another try. Trust will be a big issue and she knows that, but i think we both learned a lot from to whole experience (even as crappy as it was)I do have a big heart (maybe too big) so i will be able to forgive and have some sort of blind trust. Some may think im a chump for taking her back, but I feel she could be one of the best things in life for me. If I do end up back here and heartbroken, then its shame on me, but im going with my heart on this one and i really think it'll be great. Thanks for all the support over the past few months (notso)freeagain

i know, your right about that. 8) Its just the trust issue that has me the most. Should I trust her again? If i do am i stupid for it? Probably most of my friends would say so. The only true answer lies somewhere in the future ( lol, how did lies end up in that sentace?) and thats only if I go another round of blind trust. So my choice is more of a guess as to whether she can truly be committed or not. She called today and wants us to talk tonite when i get off work. Ill try to press her good about what she really wants out of life and how she sees me in it, and of course about commitment. We had talked about marrige and was planning on asking her for real in December (when i graduate). Thats another issue ill bring up, if i move away, is she willing to come with me. After tonite ill take everything she says and think it all over before doing anything. Just hope i dont do anything stupid like waking up their in the morning humph, i really thought all this was over and I was finally doing better. Maybe ill have to change my nick to confusedagain

Well, the ball may be in my court now and im split as what to do. Small summary: 1.5 year relation (over a year living together) and she dumped me about almost 3 months ago for another guy. In the very beginning she admitted to kissing a girl we both knew. I forgave her and we went on to have a great relationship until a few months before it ended. Around January i started having some anxiety problems with just getting out the house and doing things. I did seek help and was trying to get through this. I think the medicine i was on made it even worse (zoloft) and didnt start feeling better until i stopped taking it, which was the same week she left. The last months we were together we werent doing as much together, just getting out, going out and doing the things needed to keep a relationship healthy. When she broke it off, this was a reason, saying i just sat home all the time and our relationship was getting boring. A week later she admitted to cheating during the last weeks before we broke up. She kissed one guy and ended up doing more with another (someone we both knew and would come over and hang out), and that she was now seeing him. The whole week or two after she left was kinda weird. She would come by to get her stuff and when she would go we'd hug and kiss and still both say 'i love you'. Heartbroken (ofc) i came here and got some great advice on getting over it. Tryed NC but was never to good at it. We would talk from time to time, never mentioning us or him. Just the realization of what i lost and that it was partially my own problems that lead up to it really helped getting better with my own personal problems. I did everything i could to keep busy, get out, and get my mind off of her (as much as i could). I ended up trying to convice myself that i hated her for what she did (in order to get over her), but my heart always kept the love i had for her. A friend told me the other day she broke up with the guy she left me for. The reason was 'he just wasnt good enough' or something like that (she always told me i was great ) That night we ended up at the same party and hung out together all night. Went back to a friends and hung out with a few people till real real late. It was kinda weird because it almost felt like we were back in time to when we were still together and happy. We didnt kiss or anything but their was just this strong feeling of closeness between us. Called her the next day to see how she felt (with her hangover) and she invited me over that night. We talked about us. About what lead up to the end. How she felt guilty for leaving me over something that didnt last long. She asked if i hated her for it and i told her my heart still cares too much to hate her. We still both care for each other and now's theres the chance that we end up back together, but im not sure what to do. My heart is still completely in love with her. But my mind keeps telling my that i'd be kinda stupid to try again. How could i trust her again after all she did? And that i may just be setting myself up for another heartbreak. ok, sorry this kinda got long. Just not sure what to do. Rip out my heart and walk away? Ignore my mind and follow my heart? Ive learned alot and changed myself for the better following the breakup. Is there a chance that she learned something about love and changed too?

How long does it take? Somewhere between soon and never i guess. Here's 2 of my NC stories after getting dumped ex #1) Four years together and she dumps me to have her space and see new people (or somthing). About a month of contact, mostly just sorting out who's stuff is who's with a few how are you doing calls mixed in. After that it was pretty much NC and only saw her if we ended up at the same bar (which was fairly frequent and she always seemed to be with a new guy every time). A few months later she moves away and its been 3 years of NC since. I bumped into her once a few months back when she was in town and she seemed pretty uninterested with even talking to me. Four years of 'i love yous' and now its pretty much never to be heard from again. What the hell is love anyway? ex #2) More recent one. 1.5 years living together, she cheats and then dumps me for the other guy. That was about 4 months ago. We did about a month of contact, every other day or so either getting stuff or just calls to see how each other was doing. finally told her i needed my space and didnt want to talk for a while. She still calls though. At first it was about once a week, then every other week, now its every few weeks. I also have my few breakdowns and give her a call every so often. She still seems to care some and ofc i do too. Just wish my mind would slap some sense into my heart. So i guess you really cant tell, when (if ever) they will contact. Which is why NC should be for healing and not getting back together. holding on can only lead to more heartbreak. And sadly, you never know how much they meant all those 'i love ya's' until its over @Double D ... your situation sounds a bit like my last. You want her back and she doesnt feel the same. Ofc you miss the one you loved and want to keep in cantact to she how they are doing BUT after that phone call or visit, your just reminded even more about how much you miss and want them back leading to more heartache (from my experience at least). Id say stop caling and start NC. When she asks why you dont call, be nice about it, and explain you need some time to heal and the constant contact isnt helping. Then get out and do every thing you can to stop thinking about her. If your sure she doesnt want you back, then you gotta work on not wanting her.

ang3l, Maybe he trying to cover up old feelings, maybe not. Either way try to spin the situation for the better. Sometimes you learn a lot more about the person you once loved after its all over. You've been nothing but nice to him, and he treats you like this. Trust me, their are a lot of nice guys out their (some who are even still nice to the ex that dumped them ). Just try to think of this as another step in moving on to meet Mr. Right

AB38, remember, you have to do what is good for you now. If you know you will never get back with you ex and really think the new girl could be special, then I would say dont risk your future on what the past wont give you. In your case it seems very hard because the time frame is so close. If NC wont work then the best case i can see is that your new GF be a bit understanding of how soon things happened. If she truly is special, then she would. Eventually you and your ex's feelings will fade (as they always do) and you'll be able to focus on the present and what the futre has to offer. Hope it works out for the best

I agree with AB38. Even thought you said you dont really want her back, thinking of her everyday still means their are a lot of feelings left for her. You never really know how much they still think of you, but if they are with someone else, then you'd have to assume its not as much as you think of them. Thats kind of a sad statement, but thats how it goes imo. If a friendship is really what you would still like, stick with NC for a while longer. You have to be both on the same level for it to work out. If one person still wants more out of the frienship, then chances are it wont work as well. When your both happy with knowing the other has their own life, then theirs the chance a friendship could work out between you.

Once a cheat always a cheat may not always be the case. Maybe im being a bit optimistic in people realizing they made a huge mistake and never do it again. But that being said, I would never be able to trust the one who cheated on me again. After a hard breakup it does take time till you get to the point where you feel 'lucky' again. Its just the lonlyness inbetween that we need to adjust to. Once we're happy again with being ourselves and not relying on having to have a companion, this will happen. But in the meantime, there's always the adjustment of no one being their for you. For me, ive had 2 relationships that accounted for 5 and a half of the past 7 years. Now I can do what i went, when i want and dont have to worry about someone relying on me to be their for them daily. But then again, after a day of doing stuff, theirs no one their to talk to when i get home. No one to have coffee with in the morning. until I am happy with (or at least adjusted) to spending my nights and mornings alone, the maybe I'll feel a bit more lucky. I DO know that day waill come. Just takes a bit more time for me

As bad as it may feel know, you will not feel this way forever. The strong feelings you have now will eventually fade you WILL move on and find someone else. The time inbetween is hard, you just gotta stick it out. I was in a 4 year relationship and was devistated when it ended. After months and months of feeling i will never be as happy again, I finally started dating some and things started looking up. A year and a half later I found myself in love again and it felt even better that last one. Unfortuanatly this one didnt work out either and im back in the same boat as you now. But whats keeping me going is that I know it will pass. There are a ton of great people out there, and the next relationship im in could be better than i ever imagained. Once the pain has gone, think back to your relationship and what went wrong and work to improve those things. Take what was good about it and build on those. And when you next relationship comes along, you may just amaze them with how much you have to offer. 8)

Sorry to bump this back up but i was out of town. Thank you for all the words of advice and shoulders to lean on. After reading this board for a few months i do know what I need to be doing, but i guess im just a bit stuborn and need to hear it again and again to stick with it. NC is where its at and i will not call about her stuff. Eventually she'll call me about it and i'll just tell her to come now and grab every last bit so i can be done with it. Im not sure what brought it about that day. It's probably better to not even think about it and just stick to NC as much as possible. Their are times when we bump into each other when were out, but i have been good about that. I just say a quick hello and keep walking to the other end of the bar without looking back. And when i leave, no goodbyes. About the confrontation thing, I doubt I'll do it. Not that i dont think it will work, but im just too damm nice of a guy i guess. I cant remember one thing we fought about when we were together and even after she did what she did, i was still nice as can be and never got sobby with the 'miss you' stuff. I'm probably just still in the anger stage and dont think its fair that im the one still hurting. As much as i hate thinking this way, i feel she is more deserving of the pain i feel than me. Eventually it will all go away, its just the meantime im stuck in, and time isnt moving fast enough oh, and aloneagain was already taken so i had to settle for freeagain It does sound a little more uplifting to me 8) Thanks for all the suport, this place is the greatest

Not sure what the point of this post is going to be, but im literally sick to my stomach right now and just need someone to vent to. My friends are probably sick of hearing it so thank you all for being here to listen. To sum it up, it was a year and a half relationship, we lived together for over a year, and its been over 3 months since she broke it off. At first she said she didnt feel like she use to and needed space, but a week later she admitted to cheating (with someone I know) and shes still with him now. He would actually come by and hang out while we were still together, and while i was clueless!! Ive been working hard at NC, but sometimes we'll run into each other, or she'll call out of the blue, but its always very short and well... almost meaningless. She still has a bunch of stuff she needs to get and called the other day to come get it. Yes, I answered but told her i was busy, maybe another time. Well, im going out of town today so i figured id call and see if she wanted to get it before i left (mistake?). She was about to go to work and couldnt come and i started telling her about my sisters wedding this weekend, but her cell phone disconnected. Didnt want it to end like that so i called back. When she answered i heard her new bf in the backround *****ing about something (either cuz the phone kept ringing or I was on it .. dont know) but i immediately said i gotta go, pick it up some other time, bye. immediately after that I ran to the bathroom and was hugging my toilet. Fruity Pebbles have never tasted worse . Just the thought of them two together, and him waking up cussing about whatever was what did it. I know, I know ... I shoulda stuck with NC and never even bothered to call. But with NC or not i still feel the love for her (even after all the cheating crap!!!) Now im thinking next time I see her I should just ask all the wrong questions im not suppose to ask (why didnt you want to work out whatever was wrong? what happened to those thousands of 'i love yous'? You said i was the greatest guy? Do you really love him more than you did me?) Just all the stuff thats bottled up that i know im not suppose to ask. I know we'll both probably end up getting pissed off at each other, but i dont care anymore. I doubt we'll ever get back together. I doubt we'll ever be good friends again. I know it may sound horrible, but i'd rather replace my love for her with anger if it means i wont feel as bad as i do know. Tell me im wrong, tell me it wont work, just tell me something ...

Lost, I ve been through the same thing when my first 'love' left me. How long has it been for you? Didnt matter what time i went to bed, but i was up before the sun everyday for the first couple of weeks. Must have had 4-6 hours per night during that period. But it did get alot better, it just took a bit of time for the healing process to get me back to being me. And when i was ready to move on, i found someone even better than i could image. Well... that one didnt work out either, but im a bit more expeinced with it, so (as bad as it is) its not as bad this time They say the time it take to heal is based on how long you were together, but their are many things you can do to help it along. amaranth, said it best.... get up and do something. Walk, run, ride, lift ... doing something healthy, it'll help distract some of the sadness and get you feeling better about yourself. And anything else you can find thats constructive or educational or something. Ive been doing all kind of stuff lately to keep my mind off, but i still find myself getting bored and thinking back. I just trying to find something else to do. Im not saying you should forget all together. You do need times to think and get your emotions out. Its not healthy to bottle it all up. Even though theirs alot of sad feelings, try to pull some posatives out of it. Everything we go through is a learning experience for the future. Note the things that were wrong (and right) with the relatioship so you'll be better prepaired for future ones. Life is always throughing curve balls at us, its how we handle them that determins the person we are and will become. Hope this helps a bit

princesa, I understand your point about 'needing to become better.' And that if they didnt love us for who we are then it wasnt meant to be anyway. But the feelings of 'needing' to better myself come from the void i was left with. Right now, im not the same person i was. I was happy in love and now im stuck in love with someone who left me. Doing things to better myself help fill this gap and gain back alot of self confidence i lost. And when the pain is gone, I can look at myself as having lived, learned, and gained something. I dont want to come out of this still feeling I lost in love. Its not that i have to change for 'her' so she can see im different and want me back. I think im now resigned to the fact that she will never want me back. So ultimatly im doing this for myself, even though right now i may be using her as some sort of motivation. Im not changeing for her, but improving upon the things that I think can make me a better person. As for who i am, I know im a great guy. Probably the greatest guy she'll ever meet (in my mind anyways But i think theirs always room for improvement (in everyone). Im not changing who i am, just making who i am even better.

This quote stuck out at me, pepsimax. I was having some personal problems (anxieties and stuff) before the breakup which was a cause in her leaving me. Before she left, I knew i needed to change but felt i needed some kind of spark or something to get me over it. Well, i got my spark (more of a shock as you said). As much as i might hate it now, it may have been the best thing for me to change my ways. And as for the pill, I dont see why a girl would stop after a breakup. Its just something you should try not to think about (or ask ). Hell, im posative that my ex has been haveing sex already .... but thats a thought that i definatly try to avoid.

Well, all of our expierences with being the dumper or dumpee have different factors involved, so it my be hard to generalize. But from what i have seen, the dumper usually ends up in a relationship rather quickly, whether its a rebound or whatever, while the dumpee is left in healing period mouring their loss. In both my expierences with being dumped, my ex-gfs ended up with other guys rather quickly, while i was left still wanting what i can no longer have. Same goes for a good friend of mine whose had it happen 3x to him, they end up with someone else within a few weeks (usually less), and it took him time to finally heal and move on. Whether wanting to see other people was a factor in the breakup or not, i'd still say the dumper is ready for another relationship before the dumpee.

Good post cryme. I know what must be done, but im still having my moments of weakness that are holding me back. Reading posts like yours reminds myself on what I should be focusing on ... me. As hard as it was (or still is), im confident i will come out a better person. And thats what lifes about, taking the experiences we have in life, learning from them, and becoming a better person out of it.

I broke no contact twice in the past week and i think im feeling the urge to call her now. Uh oh, i better act fast very funny piece of advice judgeinjury. Now im leaving here with a smile

lisa is right, as bad as it seems and as much as it hurts, the only thing we can do is get through it and move on. None of us are alone in feeling the way we do, thats why were all here Its not an easy process, but in the end, we take what we learned and become a better person out of it. Getting thought it is hard, but the worst thing to do is sit and wallow. Jump up, go somewhere, call someone, come here ... anything but think of him/her. Not that you should totally forget everything you felt for them, you just have to put it to the side for the healing process to work. as for my feelings right now, theres a definite mix between love and anger/bitterness (but no hate). I still love her and miss her, but cant help feeling a bit negative toward her as she was the one who dumped me and left me feeling so alone. When she left me i told her that all I ever wanted for her is that she be happy, and if this is what it takes (leaving me) then thats the way it has to be. Part of me still does feel this way. But theres another part that doesnt and would rather her be unhappy and regret leaving me. It soulds kinda evil wanting someone that you supossedly still love to be unhappy, but i cant help feeling it. Theres also this win/loss feeling i been getting. Like she ended up coming out ahead and winning, because she broke it off and she got what she wanted, while I ended up loosing because i still want what i cant have. Ive been working hard to counter this and trying to convince myself in the end i will be the one that 'won'. She left and she didnt stay true to the feelings she told me she had. Shes already with another guy in a relationship im sure wont last. Shes pretty much the same person she was before we got together. But when im done healing, I will come out a better person. Ill take what we had together and learn from it. The things that were wrong with the relationship will be fixed for future ones. Im the one thats working to better myself, physically, mentally, emotionally. Im the one that will come out of our failed relationship a stronger, better person. Ill be the one she sees down the road and that she regrets leaving (just had to through the regret in their didnt i ) The win/loss thing sounds kinda silly, but i just cant help thinking that way. Is it silly?

Its been over six weeks for me and im still far from where i need to be emotionaly. Going from living with the one you love to living alone is a hard adjustment. Coming to this board and reading posts like this has helped a lot. The feelings of lonliness are hard to deal with, but at least i know im not alone in feeling this way. I only have a few dumbells, but ive been doing everything i can to get in better shape ... pushups, situps, etc. Also been taking my dog for a nice long walk in the park every day. I almost enjoy it as much as her . Just fixed my bike too, now i just need to get off my butt and start riding it. Also some frisbee golf a few times a week. Not sure if this is a good thing, because im starting to feel a bit compulsive about it, but i've been cleaning like a mad man. The house has been pretty much spotless. I never made my bed prolly since i was little, but its made everyday now. Dishes never get pilled up, nothing laying around, etc. Im currently in the process of cleaning all my window blinds ( 2 down and only about 10 more to go ) Next week I'll paint my bedroom, just havent picked the right color yet. Mentally its been hard. So much time alone im not use to, I still end up thinking about what i lost. Been working hard on posative reflections. Just telling myself 'its life' 'it happens' 'learn from it and move on' 'dont dwell on the past' ... just posative reinforcment stuff like that. It seems to help alot whenever i start feeling down. Also been hanging out with friends as much as i can. Contacting old ones i havent talked with in a while. Going out every every few nights or so to get back in the social scene, but thats been getting a bit to expensive, so maybe i'll just have to stick to the weekends. With all this, i still feel im way to bored and need more to do. So what else have ya'll been doing? ... and as Hoping&praying said, "Thank god for this message board!!!"

Thanks for all the advice. She came by again yesterday to get a few more things and it went about the same, short and sweet. I don't think I will tell her that we shouldn't see each other. At this point where we are at, I think it may be a bad time to start. I do want her back, and one of the benefits of the no contact is that they may end up missing you and realize what they lost (possibly forever). So how do I do that now that were still talking? I try to avoid any talk about our relationship/breakup. Bringing up old memories with her may seem too obvious an attempt and end up pushing her away more. I do think we see each other way too often though. If she gets too comfortable as just being friends I fear that's all were ever be. Yes, it may be greedy on my part, but I still want more than that. It's actually her that initiates most of the contact. There's still a lot of her stuff at my place. When she comes, she only grabs a few things at a time. Maybe that means something, like she's having a hard time in completely removing herself from our relationship. Or maybe she's just being lazy This may all be for nothing and we may never end up getting back together (see ex #1) but right now it's the only thing I can think of. I don't even have any interest in meeting anyone else atm. I told her id love here forever (as she told me) but forever just isn't getting here soon enough I guess for now my plan is to initiate as little contact as possible. She'll still initiate a bunch I'm sure, so ill try to keep those nice and short (and sweet). If she does ask why I don't call or stop by, I guess I will have to try to explain. But how to go about that conversation (what to say, what not to say) I still don't know.

In my experience, going from a good friendship to a couple is possible. My past two relationships both started as friendships. In my last, we were friends for a year or so before we ended up together. During that time I was attracted to her and wished it was more, but had the feeling that friendship was all she wanted (which is still a good thing), so I never tried to initiate more and just enjoyed our time as friends. I had actually given up on the thought that we may end up together, then out of the blue, it happened. I know in your case it's different, friendship after breakup but wanting more than just friends. I'm actually going through the same thing now, so ill try to help by letting you know how I view my current situation. I still love her and want her back, but now we are just friends, and it does hurt knowing that I still want more than this. I have no idea what the future holds and that I only play a part in what it will bring. But what I do in life sets up what the future has to offer. Maybe our friendship will bring us back together (as it first did). Maybe not. But I feel I must put myself in the position that it may happen. Even though I may be adding to my current pain, I know ill get over it. It's the future that concerns me more. Can your work your way from friends to lovers again? For me, it's the only way. Ive also had a past relationship that lasted 4 years. After a short period of contact after the breakup it's been almost 3 years since we even spoken. She broke it off so I guess I feel she should be the one to call (if ever). If she called today wanting me back, it would be a definite no. If anything, we would have to start over as friends, and then see what happens.

Well, not even 15 minutes after posting she was knocking at my door. She came to pick up a few things and say hi. It was a nice little talk, just catching up up whats been going on with each other. She did say a few things that makes it even harder for me to break contact with her (no, i couldnt do it). Hard to remember her exact wordings, but that her and her current man arn't too serious. And that she explained to him that I am still part of her life and he needs to accept that we will still be having contact with each other (as friends). After she told me this i just couldnt bring myself to telling her i didnt want to see her. Is their any possible way that we can make it back together while staying friends, or is the no contact a must for her to realize what she lost?

It's been two weeks since our break up and I finally found this site (better late than never). Reading through the posts here has helped a lot, but we all know the pain will still linger for a while. It seems I have broken the golden rule of 'no contact' and could use a bit of advice getting out of this situation. We have known each other for about two and a half years and got together about a year and a half-ago (two Octobers ago). That December she moved in to where I live and we have spent every day together for the past year and a few months. Three weeks ago were the first signs and she told me that she wasn't as happy being with me as she use to be, that we weren't doing the things that we use to do and having fun together like we once did. After a week of doing everything I could (flowers, dinner, movies, etc….) it was over. I do blame myself for not doing the things I should have been doing to keep our relationship healthy. Its seems as though I took our love for granted and assumed that it would always be there. I do have some anxieties, causing me to stay home at times instead of getting out there and doing things. She did know about this and knew I have been seeking help in trying to get over it, but this didn't change the fact that we weren't doing enough together and that she wasn't as happy as she once was. A week after the break up, she told me she is with someone else already and they had kissed just previous to us breaking up. Yes, this did cause some anger, but love seems to be stronger, and even still I would love to be back with her again. Hearing someone tell you everyday that they love you is just too hard to forget. My first love left me 3 years ago. We were together a lot longer (4 years) and haven't even spoken in the past two and a half years. If she calls, Id love to talk to her and see how she's been, but that fact that she left me makes me feel that she should be the one to call, not me. I am over the love we had for each other (as much as i can be) but it's the lost friendship that still hurts. I didn't want this to happen with my current situation, so since the breakup we decided to stay friends and have talked and seen each other several times since we separated. She even initiated most of our contact, calling to see how I been or to invite me over to hang out a bit (defiantly not when he's around). I have been strong about it and have not been begging for her back or anything. But sometimes when we see each other it ends up getting real emotion with both of us saying we still love each other (she even says it first sometimes). Other times it was better, with us just leaving with a hug, but still afterwards the pain comes. After reading a lot about the no contact rule I could use some help on how to initiate this after two weeks of staying in touch. She will call again. Even after two weeks she still has a lot of stuff she needs to pick up and bring to her new place. Do I tell her I just need some personal time with no contact? A month? Two months? Try to explain the situation or keep it as simple as possible? After that should I call? Should she call? Do I line up all her stuff by the door and tell her to come when I'm not around? (yes, she's still got a key). I'm just scared I will lose her forever (both our love and friendship). Sorry for such a long post, guess I needed to vent a little. Any word of advice would be greatly appreciated.