Copeland

Thanks for you advise guys..RayKay especially. I think you had hit the nail on the head. But i'm sure too you understand, making that move, setting the wheels in motion.. its a big leap of faith. One that needs to be taken, but one that takes a lot of courage. It'll come. At some point, risk have to be taken. In one way or another.

Hi, well, let me explain a little how things are. I have been with a guy for just over 2 years now. Its been nice, but it lost a lot of its edge. We have never been the average couple. We are completely different people; I'm very social and don't mind being with people I don't know - he doesn't like going out, won't introduce himself to people and hates small talk, I like to go to clubs/pubs/bars with my friends and have a few drinks - hes T-Total, I like to dance - he doesn't understand why people dance, I like romance - he says 'fancy a shag'. See where I'm coming from. Well.. basically everyway possible, we are opposites. I'm sure you all asking how on earth has this lasted so long. The answer is I'm not sure. We have a common interest though. Gadgets and children and with my sisters two children we come together and it all seems right. But I know this isnt enough and not a reason to be together. We spend time together now, it's nice company, but I wouldn't say its any more than that. I'm not convinced I'm attracted to him as I once was and my imaginations sometimes runs wild when I see or meet new people. Not that I would stray whilst with him. I respect him and wouldn't want to hurt him. He's not easy to deal with. difficult to talk to and when every I say I want to talk about things, it usually results in us both getting upset, falling asleep and then being forgotten about the next day. He says he has never been happier before in his life. I feel happy, just not fulfilled. We have talked about what each of us wants from life and its clear that we want to be heading in completely different directions. Perhaps its the comfort zone factor thats keeping us together. Its easy, its familiar and its forgiving. I don't mean to sound ungratful, but its not enough for me. I think its time to move on for both of us, I just don't know how to make the first step.

If things didnt work out the first time, do you think there is a posibility of them working this time. If the answer is no, or youre unsure, then I'd think perhaps a little more about where you actually want it to go. If the friendship isnt very stable to start with, it makes it very difficult and strained if all of a sudden there are all these feelings added into the mix. My personal suggestion would be to try and rebuild the friendship first, but not to get your hopes up, not expect too much and then there is less risk of disappointment. If things go well, then perhaps you can talk about how you're both are getting on... and perhaps even start to talk about wheat went wrong between you before. You never know, with a bit of effort you might see in each other what you saw that first time. Only time will tell. Be patient and don't scared him off to quickly by swamping him with emotions that first off he might wonder where they have come from. Goodluck! Let us know how you get on.

so... let me just put everything into context.. is this someone you like who is seeing someone else and if so, how long has he been with them? and has he done anything to make you think that he would be interested in something outside his current relationship?

depends how much I like the person.. If i like someone a lot.. I try not to ask a lot of questions in case it hurts.. If i like someone... but am not.. sooooo much.. I I ask lots of questions and dont make detrimental comments as such.. but my tone of voice kind of gives away the fact im not that impressed...

worryingly.. apart from the tan.. you have just described me. So there are people out there that are "cosmetically" right for you. There is nothing wrong with being choosey and certainly nothing wrong with knowing what you want... not knowing what you want is often a lot of people failures. As another said, it also depends on what you look like and what the other person is looking for, but then thats not something you can be expected to be able to control. Be yourself, and look for what you're looking for and attracted too, but.. DONT LIMIT YOURSELF. There is nothing wrong with giving some someone a chance that you like, or has some of the qualities youre looking for. Knowing from experience, things can surprise you when you allow it. Copeland

wooo,, thanks,, sounds like an option,, will check it out

If you have a partner who you connect with on a very deep level, live together and share a really special bond, what happens when the sex life fails? When does a loving relationship turn into just a friendship or partnership? Obviously I agree that a relationship should not be based around sex, but I think a sexual attraction is still very important..and sexual attraction within a loving relationship should thereforeeee give a basis for some type of sexual activity. Although I ask for things to happen, there is an unwillingness to try anything new or different, if anything were to happen at all in the first place. The only type of sex happens if once a month and only in the bed, in the bedroom, its penetrative sex, basic and simple the end, no frills, no effort and no surprises. Any suggestions on brightening things up? [/b]

I don't supose you are able to tell us a bit more about whats happened in your life? whats made it so bad or caused you so much pain?

Stupidly no. There is various background in IT, ranging from service management, UAT, data analysis as well as experience in banking, communications, business improvement process, team leadership, debt management and even organisation. Believe me, knowing where to go when you want a career change and you have that range of skills is not as simply as you might like to think. CopeLand

okay, my perception of this situation is changing slightly now. This email you received, does to me sounds like hes curious, however they could just be in a friendly way. After all, he never did make that call to you saying he knew what he wanted and why on earth you want to get back to stage one again!? Yeah its exciting getting a message from an ex, it is for me, but ts doesnt take much to bring back all the obvious things that meant it didnt work the first time. Goodluck with things, CopeLand

I think she is possibly feeling a little bit overwhelmed and a little bit under pressure to deliver something. The easiest thing is to say 'no' when youre not ready for something or not sure about something, (though some people make think otherwise). It's all about feeling comfortable - in this type of situation, from my point of view. How do you think she feels?

Anyone have any ideas or know of any links for people that are looking for a change in career, but really have nothing in mind? The advice will be greatly appreciated by my ex-housemate. kind regards, CopeLand

so how long was it before you got something from his saying he knew what he wanted?

Hey Mike, sounds like you have really got a thing for this girl, which is good and you seem to be able to express what youre feeling - even better. Although this quality is very important and much sort after in later life, you perhaps might want to ease the pressure off on this girl a little bit. Its good that you know how you feel and know what you want, however, being still quite young, you have to respect that this girl as yet, might not know what she wants and might feel a bit resentful if you pressure her into things. Perhaps if you try and busy yourself with other activities, I don't know, go out with your friends more? go places? get yourself into your work a bit it might make it a bit easier to get a bit of distance between you. There will be things soon enough that will give you the chance to perhaps work with her where you straight away have a common ground to meet on. At the moment... you think its possible she's a bit daunted by the fact someone feels so much for her?? It's gonna be hard matey, but I'm sure if you just give it a bit of time and a bit of space things will get much clearer. CopeLand

can i ask how the ex became the ex?

It's been some time now hasnt it, how about asking where things actually are or where he thinks things are going? Okay, so perhaps this is not an easy subjet to approach. You could always take it on by asking 'so have you been seeing anyone lately' or something, that way he can either say 'no, not at the minute' which sounds like he things maybe only casual for him, or if he says 'well, what do you mean?, i'm seeing you?' or something along those lines, you know that he's perhaps seeing it as a bit more and then you may feel easier to discuss things from your point of view and how things are developing. CopeLand

This is where you are going to wonder why on earth we are together. Me: I like going out with friends, meeting new people, going to pubs, clubs, drinking, generally having a good time with friends and socialising. I like to stay at home too sometimes, sit in front on the tv watch a film or listen to some music, perhaps get a take away in or cook some nice food, and have a few drinks. I like all foods, mexican, italian, chinese, indian, tradtional english, greek, thi, etc.. I like to do things with people, go places, do activities, like go to the cinema, go bowling, go walking, go to the beach for a day, go shopping that kinda of thing. Other half: doesnt really like going out, very private, hates clubs, doesnt like smoke in pubs, is T-total so doesnt drink, doesnt dance, doesnt like a lot of people around. Prefers to stay in, but in front of computer or watching rubbish in very very small quantities on tv. Does'nt like much music, hates takeaways of all kinds, only eats basic english food and white meat. Doesnt eat cheese, pasta, vegetables, anything spicy, anything too scented, anything with to many herbs. Doesn't like activities of nearly any kind apart from walking on a the very rare occasion. Okay, so that establishes that we are complete opposites, so what does that tell me? Well, it tells me that there must be something pretty strong holding us together coz in previous relationships I would have ended it straight away. Now, I bet youre thinking, 'sex' right? Nope, not even that. It's not even as though we have a lot of sex, or its anything great. That sounds terrible I know, but its not my view. To me, sex is important and means something, otherhalf = just something to pass the time. Am i in the wrong relationship? or is there something here I just need to identify and build more on that? and how do I go about identifying this 'thing'? CopeLand

My Other half and I have been together now for coming up 6 months. In a kinda of whisked up relationship we have moved in together, a main reason being that changes in our lives made it practical for both of us to live together to reduce costs. Anyway, in the run up to moving intogether I have always had a problem. The 'ex' is still on the scene, but as 'best friend'. Now, there have been phone calls 3/4 times a week, for about 1 to 2 hours a night. I dont even get that much conversation out of this relationship! We have had discussions time and tme again basically me saying that I'm not greatly comfortable with the situation and I would like some help in dealing with it, or a little effort on their part, from which I get a 'of course, I'll do anything I can, coz I love you'. Great. Absolutely, it's what I want to hear and gives me some hope that things will change for the better. However, we have now moved in together and things are still the same. As well as the phone calls now, which are even more obvious as I'm in the same house all the time now, but they chat on the internet everyday also. I come in from work, go up to the office and find message windows quickly hidden behind other things. Its all very well trying to hide things like that from me so I dont get jealous, however, when I have seen them there and then their hidden, it makes me even more paranoid. Now, it's not obvious to me they are talking all the time, it's now hidden, making it all worse. Buying things - oh yes, they have started buying bits together like software which I would have had just as great interest in going halves on etc. Its all very uncomfortable, as I have to respect there is a friendship there and I know I can't ask for a choice to be made between us - knowing anyway that I would not be the choice made. Fighting the other case, an ex from an 18 month relationship is still on the scene on a daily basis, very involved in the whole life that I'm trying to have with my other half. I'm not sure what I should do to help myself deal with this better, or what would now be a reasonable request to change things. Any ideas? CopeLand

Sorry to jump on the band wagon with a completely different view. If she is only 15 years old, its more than likely that she is just very curious and influenced by other sources. The media hypes up that straight men just love the thought of two women together. Have you considered that she may have an insecurity and is possibly only saying and doing these things to try and prompt a reaction from you?

I think you have just managed to find someone that you can connect with and relate too, which is a very healthy thing to do. This could just be the start of a long lasting friendship where you have respect for someone and consider them and their feelings. These friendships tend to last the longest and mean the most. Go with it, enjoy the good times together and you'll be there for each other in the bad times. Its the way its meant to be.

As much as I think it would make you happy and so would like to tell you that he had actually woken and knew you were touching him, I have to tell you the truth, as I think it would be helpful in this situation. A previous point has been made about a man sleeping with another man would not happen and being touched by another man would have no effect. However, when a person is asleep, they are in effect un-conscious. Unless something happens to really disturb their body, they will remain oblivious to whats going on around them. The body however, will still react as normal to being stimulated as long as its not aggressive (nudging someone, shaking them etc), or putting strain on other bodily functions to react differently (calling someone to wake them, sends messages to brain saying they need to make an active responce etc). thereforeeee, your hand on your friends groin, may well have aroused him and his body may have reacted to your touch, but there is no way of saying if he was actually aware. You could just have easily have been stroking his hair softly, holding his hand or the likes. Saying all this though, we have to bare in mind that your friend is aware of how you feel and you have talked about it before, so there is on the other hand that you may be very correct and he was just pretending to be asleep. There is really only one way to find out the truth, Talk to him. If he didnt mind when you talked about things before and as you say stilll like to feel each others company in bed anyway, then he will most likely be fine when you talk to him about this. Try it, put your mind at rest one way or another. Copeland.