melrich

Actually I don't think she is at all. In fact she is quite openly accepting responsibility for maybe not getting married for the right reason. I don't think this is being selfish. I think Vagabond is just acknowledging some feelings and emotions she has and wants some perspective on it.

I agree. This is worrying behaviour. You seem to be looking for any excuse to continue contacting her and she is clearly telling you not to.

Yeah, add away.

I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing. If you are being cheated on then it is a huge issue. No question. I am talking more about people who worry about being cheated on. In that case I am saying are they potentially worrying about being cheated on because another component of their relationship has broken down?

I think nearly everyone at some point in time has the whole "soulmate" fantasy, two people as one. And it probably does happen. I am sure there have been life long relationships out there that required no effort. But it's not the norm. And I think that fantasy may be one of the reasons people fall so hard after the break up of their first "serious" relationship. Their fantasy about how it should all work is destroyed along with the relationship.

Meeting someone that you can spend the rest of your life with I think has elements of luck, sacrifice, hard work that go with the love, passion and friendship. In my experience it doesn't just happen.

Maybe you should try and encourage her to see the campus counsellors?

No. Cheating is a reality for many people. What I am saying is that more people seem to worry about it as an issue in their relationship than the number of people whose relationships actually end because of it. It is an easy and tangible thing to be insecure about. It's easy to hold on to issues about trust but it is not as easy to identify and express concerns about say, growing apart. So maybe there are people who know their relationship is not quite right and they divert their energy into worrying about something that is reasonably tangible rather that address the true problems in the relationship. I'm not saying that happens but it is some sort of explantation to me as to why infidelity is such a headline issue but in my view not a major cause of relationship breakdown.

That's what I think. To an extent it's a bit like worrying about dying from hand grenade schrapnel whilst loading your body with luncheon meats. (maybe not quite so extreme).

Yeah I am not so sure the behaviour I am describing there is dishonest. It's pretty natural when two people meet for them to gravitate toward what they have in common and maybe ignore the things that would make then an unsuitable couple or may ring some warning bells.

I can see this fitting into "Taking for granted". You can inject variety with someone you have been with for 5 - 10 years. But often people just take it for granted "Oh we have been doing the missionary position for 10 years now, he /she is not going to want to do things any diofferently".

Sometimes the fear that someone will cheat on you may actually be used as a security against thinking about what is really wrong in your relationship. Of course many people do get cheated on.

I think that happens a lot. Let's face it. When you first meet and start seeing someone you like, the chemicals are juicing your head. You say and respond to that person with body language and words that address all the things you have in common and this may obscure or push into the background some key differences that maybe you should be thinking about. Buut you're never going to get every decision right.

Not quite the same but I remember about 9 months after the end of my marriage and I had just met my current partner thhinking "How did I get here?" It didn't seem real for a long time.

So don't you think you see far more posts here from people worried about cheating than you do from people who feel they are being taken for granted?

And communication in that sense is verbal, physical and emotional.

I think that is really true. And you also need to figure out how the other person fights, how they re-energise, how they be happy, how they relax etc etc.

That's interesting. I once thought I was communicating how much I cared but I found out later that was not the message I was giving out. But that is another story.

For me in making that list I probably though of that situation being under growing apart, being at different life stages (cos you sort of assume that when the relationship started they were in a similar place). Yeah for sure. I mean just because you communicate well does not mean you are always going to maintain the passion for the relationship. But I think if you don't communicate well the relationship is likely to break down eventually almost regardless of what else it has going for it.

Yeah, where I have often seen growing apart is people meeting at a stage of their lives where their focus is one thing but over time their focus shifts in different directions. Say they meet in their early 20s and it's all about partying and having fun. But by mid twenties, one of them is on to the next phase, say career building whilst the other is still in the party mode.

Yeah, my real intent in posting was about cheating. There are so many posts here from people with trust issues, worried about cheating etc. yet my feeling is cheating is not a major cause of break ups. I wonder if it is those perceptions about trust and the potential for infidelity that often causes issues in communication?

Yes Ren. I'd be tempted to put growing apart at number 1. When you think about it, meeting someone and having your interests and passions evolve at the same rate and in the same direction over a long period of time has an element of luck about it.

Would people have generally been married younger though? When my parents were married (1961) the average age for a man to be married here was 22. Now it has just nudged over 30.

Yes communication is a bit of a catch all.

Sure. All surgery comes with risks and anything elective could be a risk not taken. But I can understand why many women want the surgery.