GoingForIt_77

Hi Jazzy, Okay, so I read EVERYTHING you wrote and I thank you for going into such detail. I know it may not have been easy for you do rehash the past like that. You know, as much as you say that our situation is different, it is, but at the same time, it's not THAT different. Your ex may have treated you the same way I treated my ex "at times" (got to the point where it was too much for her to overlook anymore), but even though she told me a couple times that she couldn't do it anymore, because of the fact that I would make her feel amazing and then a few days later she would cry. The only OFFICIAL break-up where she meant it was the one from 11 days ago. Now, how your ex and how I differ, is that I did NOT use intimidation, nor did I impose myself on her. I suppose I could have and possibly still could (even though I'm sure she's less vulnerable now with her new found support system), but I have opted out to do the RIGHT thing and admit to my mistakes, apologize, seek out help and respect her wish for space, HOWEVER, even though she told me she loves me with ALL HER HEART, her current actions (having not responded to my sister a week ago, not wanting to talk to, or see me, having blocked me on her MSN, Myspace and created a new profile on facebook and possibly lavalife, which all indicate to me that she's enjoying her new life and IS moving on, forgetting about me COMPLETELY in the process.) I have NOT chased her. I have been understanding, respectful, kind and far from trying to change her mind, HOWEVER, I just can't see how she could cancel me out like this, after having shown the remorse that I did. This doesn't feel like she ever gave me, nor would she even be open to giving me a second chance, even if I got better. She never really did give me a second chance. YES, she tried to end it a couple of times (that didn't last for longer than a few minutes/hours at most), but I suppose was too weak to go through with it, because she still had hope that I would ALWAYS treat her well. Well, when she made her decision 11 days ago, it seems like she's grown stronger in it and has gotten the support from everyone and now all I am to her is a big bad monster and I'm not. Why is it that you wanted to believe that your ex could change and seeing, or at least believing that she was going for help, gave you hope and reassurance that he was serious about it and could change and how come my ex doesn't care one way or another if I DO get help or not. She's NOWHERE supporting me even from a distance. How could she claim she loves me with all her heart, yet, not care if I can get helped or not? Something is not adding up. If she still loved me, she wouldn't be cancelling me out of her life like a cancer, yet still claim that she cherished what we had. I still want to deal with the issue of our respective belongings, but I am still respecting her space for a little while longer before I contact her for that. I didn't want it to be JUST about that, but it feels like that's what she's forcing me to make it all about. What are your detailed thoughts on all my points Jazzy? Thanks for all your help Dan

Bubbles, I hear ya man! My ex and I have been off for a week and a half and I started NC with her since Monday, when she told me she needs a little bit of space. Since then, she blocked me from her MSN. I was blocked from her Myspace. She created a facebook account, which I appear to not be able to access from MY own account. She added 350 people and seems to be doing pretty well since Monday, making tons of plans. There is still the issue of our belongings that have to be exchanged, which she seems to have forgotten about, along with me. I am trying to respect her space like you are as well, but this is no longer an issue of if I give her space she will miss me, see me respecting her, want to have communication with me. I see it as her needing this space to MOVE ON from me completely and hopefully meet someone else. Still, I am in conflict, like you probably are too. I want to continue to respect her space, but it just feels like the request for space was just an excuse (letting me down easy) and because of that, I NOW want my stuff back from her and I don't want to be strung along like that anymore. As much as I'm taking her feelings into account, I don't believe she's doing the same with me.

Please don't condemn me. YES, I knew and I was not strong enough to stop and HENCE me having made the decision to go for professional help. MANY people would NOT take that step, admitting they have issues and try and correct it. That should earn me nothing but respect. I AM owning up to what I did. You tell me not to speak for her, but it looks like you're doing a pretty good job of doing that for her as well. I am living with pain and remorse for what I did to her. I breathe it and sleep it (when I actually sleep). I have shown her nothing but compassion since the day she left me and I have been giving her nothing but space and this shows to her that I do and did care and HER feelings DO matter to me. I admitted that I had a problem that was stronger than I was and that's why I am seeking help now for it. I am trying to regain my own personal strength now and am understanding that it's no longer about control, but actually letting go of it. Yeah, I wish I could tell her all of this. I wish I could open up my heart to her right now. I could, but I won't impose that on her right now, because I am thinking about her happiness too and many people would be giving into their hurt feelings and still try and CONVINCE them that they CAN and WILL change and to give them a second chance. I've done none of that. I don't make any promises. I am taking care of myself now, as is she. I still love her and am still giving her the space she needs to move on from me, or from the hurt.... She knows that I will probably contact her in the not too distant future. We spoke about that on Monday (last day of contact). She said she couldn't promise me anything and that's understandable. I am not expecting miracles here. We also have to make arrangements for our stuff to be exchanged. I am leaving this for a little while longer. I still want to give her more space and I need a bit more as well to become even stronger and put more things into perspective in the meantime.

What if she broke up with me because she didn't want to live in fear of getting hurt (being critized, judged) and being scared (me yelling at her sometimes), but she still loved me the day she ended it and I have been going for professional help since then? Does the dumper ever allow their head to change it's decision, so that their heart can open again, if they feel it's safe to do again? She knows I am seeking help for ME. She sees me giving her space now. Once she has made up her mind, based on her fears and not on the fact that she has no more love for me in her heart, can she get to a point, where those fears can diminish? I feel like I lost my best friend.

I don't believe in manipulation anymore. I believe in being true to yourself and loving yourself. Changing what needs to be changed within YOU, for YOU and if you still love your ex, even if they DUMPED you and yes, they had their reason, then yes, I see nothing wrong with contacting them, as long as you don't expect anything from them and that you are able to handle the outcome, because you know your own self-worth, just as much as they do (reason they left). If you give them space, that does go a long way in making them see how strong you are and how much you are respecting them, vs. trying to impose your needs onto them, which is wrong.

Don't do it yet man! If you are this emotional, that will scare her off even more. She had to run away from Mr. emotional and Mr. Clingy. I know it's been 3 weeks since the break-up and 1 week of NC and that tells me that you may have done quite a bit of damage during those 2 weeks post-breakup. Did you? Did you push her into getting back with you? Did you grovel/plead and beg and tell her how much you NEEDED her? I can guarantee you that if you did, it would have decreased your chances and pushed her further away from you in the process. Right now, there is nothing you can do. Do not think of her with another guy. Your jealousy and insecurities is STRONG and she will feel like you just want to control her and that's most likely what drove her away from you. Step back, don't worry about other guys, or how baddly you need her right now. You are placing your entire happiness on her right now. Shift that focus back to yourself, which is where it was at when you originally met her, wasn't it? You have to get back to a point where you are emotionally detached enough that you can handle the thought of living without her, because you have you. When you get to that point, you can call her, but not before then.

"If she dumped you just forget it". You know that 99% of the people on here have been dumped. I guess we should close down "Getting Back Together" altogether based on your advice? Look, I don't believe in just forgetting it, or her, but I do believe that you HAVE to just forget it for NOW. You can't go back in today, because it's a sure fired way to end ALL chances of future positive, or even neutral contact. She is probably still very much hurt, angry and clouded with other emotions to be able to, or even want to let you back in in any capacity at this point. It's just TOO early for her and it should be too early for you as well, because you're talking based on YOUR emotions, which are ruling you right now and they should not rule when and if you decided to make contact with her. Your heart can be present, but your head should be leading the way, as hers was when she decided to end it with you. For now, you have to get stronger. Feel the pain and allow it to push you to a point where you accept her decision 100% and are able to be happy with yourself (growing independent) and if after all that you still want to reach out, I will not say NO, but you must approach her from a very indirect and non-threatening manner. One that will only lower her defenses around you and one that will make to be able to start trusting you a little more, while asking nothing of her, but merely giving of yourself and then backing off again and going back in again at a later time. Slow, gradual progression. That time though, is not now. Space and healing for the both of you MUST first occur.

That was something she had written to my sister, 3 days after leaving me. That was written 8 days ago. Maybe you are right and maybe you're wrong. Do I think she should come back to me NOW? No way. I am still working on myself and on my issues. It would not be fair to either of us and she knows that I know that. That's exactly what I told her last time we spoke (6 days ago), whereby she asked for a little bit of space, which I've been giving her since. Understand that her and I had spoke on MSN the night before her and my sister had and it was a COMPLETELY different conversation (much better than the one she had with my sister the next day). I am not making excuses for my actions and I know where I went wrong with her. I will never try and convince her to give me a second chance and come back to me. That will be up to her. What I would love to happen in the not too distant future is for us to be able to be on speaking terms, so that I could help lower her defenses (her fear around me) and for her to see that I have been working on and will continue to work on my issues and will NOT repeat them again. Whether she chooses to be with someone else (one of many guys she's meeting on her chats), or whether she chooses down the line to give us another shot once the smoke clears will be HER decision to make. I can only be ME from here on out and make sure that other part of me that came out and drove her away from me, is extinguished from my system completely first. In the meantime, I am NOT interfering with her space and the life she is trying to rebuild, because I am trying to rebuild myself as well and NO, not with another person, but with MYSELF (become whole without the fears and insecurities that drove her away).

It's not pride that stops them. It's their head talking to their heart. Again, it depends on the circumstances as to WHY they left you. Did you hurt them and scare them so bad that they felt that they had to protect their heart from you, in order not to get hurt again? That was my case. If the person just feels like things are moving too fast. If you come on TOO strong, they may get scared, even if THEY were hinting at wanting more too. They could have wanted their freedom and felt tied down and got scared and felt the need to break free. Look, anyone of those scenarios requires the SAME antidote. SPACE and TIME and going with their momentum and AGREEING and SUPPORTING their decision and then acting like it's what YOU want to and then BACKING off for a while and then go back in ONLY once you see what you did wrong and you are emotionally detached enough to be able to handle whatever they may have to dish out. That's the ONLY way when they are serious about leaving you for good.

Give him space and time. I don't even know you, but if I got scared off and you approached me in the manner that you're thinking of doing with him, I would feel that much more pressured and I would keep going in the other direction. YOU have to pull back now and respect his space and yourself in the process and maybe in a few weeks you can call him, when you're less emotional about things. Seeking answers at this stage, will only end up leaving you with more questions. You don't need answers from him now as to where you guys stand. SPACE and TIME do magical things. I am not guaranteeing you he will come back, but I CAN guarantee you that he won't if you call him now, or on Monday. You are NOT emotionally detached enough to do so. Good Luck, Dan

Definitely not option 3. That's a sure fire way to kill all chances. She doesn't want to hear that NOW. Do NC, get stronger. Grow more independent and confident and reaproach her in a few weeks, in a very aloof, confident and indorect manner, not talking about the relationship at all. Go in and go out. Go back in 1-2 weeks later. Keep her guessing, while working on you the whole time.

Don't call him to ask him if he misses you!!! Please don't do that. Your emotions should not be leading you into wanting to call him. Your emotions should not be involved at all when you call him.

Games are quick fixes and clearly you are not focusing at all on the reasons why she left you, but only on a method in tricking her to come back to you. If she has made up her mind and you have given her NO space, making her jealous will do nothing. It will not work in your favor. If she first sees you moving on and sees that you are happy with your life (without her in it), THEN and only THEN can you attempt to let her know you are dating and if you guys are in contact and she is comfortable with that and if she still has any feelings for you, this will bother her and MAY prompt her into chasing YOU, but time first has to elapse (space) for that to ever be successful.

My ex did not ask me for space so that we could get back together as a couple. She said she could not be with me in another relationship. She can't be with me long-term. Her request for space is so that maybe we can still keep in touch, but she is taking this space and using it aggressively to move on. I see that with her current actions online. She has given me 0% of hope that she wants to enter into a relationship with me again. She said she can't let go of what I did to her and even if I do clear myself of my issues, that she CAN'T come back to me. She asked me for a little space on Monday. I have been giving it to her and she has been using that time to meet someone new, but putting herself out there online, while I've been on here, doing nothing but respecting her.

Final Cloud, That former ex of mine left me EVERYTIME. The first time, I groveled, pleaded, begged and chased chased chased. She wanted nothing to do with me and SO, after like 2 weeks of this, I stopped. I left her alone for 12 days and then called her. She HU originally (these are the days where not everybody had call display). I called right back. I acted cool, confident and everything she didn't think I had in me. She didn't know what I wanted from her. I was vague, aloof and confident (I pretended to be). For the next month or so I didn't give up on her. At times I would lose my composure, but I stuck to her like glue and showed her that I was making strides in my professional life and I just seemed to be growing much stronger. Well, it worked, because after a month of the LC she did come back to me, only to leave me 3 months later. This time I chased her even more and would call her day and night crying, pleading (not proud of this) and it got to the point that she was going to get the cops involved and so I stopped. I left her alone for a FULL 25 days. During that time I improved myself in many ways (or so I thought). After 25 days of NC I went to her work as a different man (or so I pretended...NC DID make me stronger, but I had not worked on my personal issues). She was shocked to see me, but did not ask me to leave (like my current ex did last weekend). We spoke for an hour. I was very aloof and vague and confident above all else. She cried several times (she had been trying to move on as my current ex has been doing since last Monday). I asked her if I could call her. She was hesitant, but accepted. She told me that she didn't think she could ever trust me again. Well, I waited a week and a half to call her, which worked wonders. It kept her guessing and I had regained the mystery. When we started talking at that point, it was obvious that she wanted back in (only a month a half earlier she NEVER wanted to see me again). She left me again 3 months later. This time I was destroyed and gained 48 pounds and stopped working for 6 months. I fell into a depression, but I finally got myself out of it. I tried to keep her in my life as friends, but she wasn't having it. She wanted to move on and she wanted me to let her go (as my current ex said to me the day she broke it off) and so I did for 38 days. When I called her up after 38 days, it was for a legitimate reason. I wanted to pay her back for some money she had lent me when we were dating. I told her that it would be monthly installments and that we would have to meet up once a month. After much hesitancy, she agreed. She brought a gf with her on the first visit and then 2 weeks later I called her up telling her that I have some of her stuff at my place she could pick up. She came over and I acted completely over her. She cried and I could tell that she STILL wasn't over me (had not found someone to replace me yet I guess). That went on for another few weeks, during which time I played it REALLY cool and she came back. She left me again 2-3 months later. We tried to remain friends for the next few weeks (big mistake). She stopped all contact and she went back to her first ex. They got engaged and got married last year. Here is the thing. Nothing is impossible. It can happen, BUT, you must really understand WHY they left you and once you understand that, you must work on it on your own and never take them for granted when they come back. Don't be resentful towards them that they left you. Be happy to have them back and give them what you had not given them the first time around. That was my story with that old ex of mine. As for where I currently am, well, I have grown a lot in myself. I have respected my current ex. I have not ONCE ran after her. I have NOT tried to change her mind. I have shown remorse and AM going for professional help. I am giving her the space she requested and I am NOT imposing my NEEDS on her. I am also not losing it, knowing she is on 2 single chat lines, trying desperately to move on. In the past, I would have called, crying, pleasing, asking her how she could do this to MEEEE. I don't think that way anymore. I am thinking of her and I am thinking of what's good for me right now as well. I am giving her space and letting her live her life, without disruption. I will have to call her to arrange a time for us to meet to exchange our stuff, but I will not do the same thing I used to do with my other ex. I will be real this time around, knowing my own self-worth this time around.

Starting Day 6

What's your name by the way? Okay, when in contact with her, if all that contact will be comprised of us making arrangements to make the exchange, I will NOT pry, nor will I let her know that I am FULLY aware of her new life. She did two things I didn't expect: 1. Leave me and 2. Put herself back out there so quickly. I can't let my anger and feelings of betrayal cloud my judgement too much right now. She is doing what she has to do for herself. Nothing I can do about that, except make myself crazy over it , which I won't. I will not let it affect the way I talk to her when I do call. I have to act like I am better than that and know my own worth at the same time, which I'm starting to remember. Let her run away from me and her feelings and the hurt and try and lose herself quickly in another man. I want to find me in ME and not in someone else. As for you man, I feel your pain, but you have to swallow it and allow it to make you stronger and propell you higher than you've ever been before. Becone someone you never thought you could be and then if you STILL want to, present that to her in the future, but that time is not now.

Oh, I really guess you haven't read my story then man, because as much as you say she loves me, she may in fact have, even upon having left me, BUT, she has put her love aside since then and has been focussing on MOVING on quite aggressively so with a facebook account and a lavalife account. You see, I hurt her and scared her and as much as she loved me, she also was nervous to say or do the wrong thing with me. I made her cry as much as I made her smile and laugh. I was hot and cold and she just couldn't anymore and so she did what she said she never ever would: LEAVE ME and since the day she walked out of my life, she has been FULLY gone. She told me 6 days ago that she can't overlook what I did to her, even though she still loves me. She told me on Monday that she needs a little bit of space and can't promise me anything. Her actions since then have shown me that she is attempting to move on with her life, WITHOUT me in it. We still have each others belongings and an exchange will have to be made. I don't see her making that contact, so I will have to in the near future. While she is out there dating now SO SOON after, I am home talking with you guys, which is MY therapy.

Don, I wish you would give that advice to my ex who is like a mad woman on TWO chat services, putting herself out there to the world and the breakup is now only 11 days old. I am however taking your advice though. I don't NEED a relationship right now. For me it's about the PERSON and not the idea of being with SOMEONE.

I agree 100% with you Don and YES, I got one of my ex's back 3 times through HELL or HIGH WATER I never gave up. What I did was go into hiding for a month to a month and a half and reappeared as a new man in every way. She had been unsuccessful with the men she had been dating and YES, she had put herself out there like my current ex is. That did NOT stop me. There are two twists to the story. That ex is now married to her first ever boyfriend who she VOWED she would never talk to EVER again in her entire life. The second twist is that that ex's younger sister is friends with my current ex's older sister and I fear that she got the dish on me, which won't be winning me any brownie points with her. My point is that it IS possible to get them back, but you don't even want to know what lengths I went to to make it happen 3 times! It drains you man of your life. Well at least it does if you do it the way I used to. This time is different for me. I've grown up and I won't try and be someone I'm not when I contact her. I'll be ME, without all the rest of the crap I carried with me.

Thanks for making me feel better man, saying that she doesn't care about me . You know, she was hurt baddly and she feels justified in doing what she's doing now. Does it mean she didn't love me? No. It just means that she's trying to find happiness and feels that with me she would have happiness, along with hurt and pain and so she bailed and is not home crying over it at this point. You worry about whether your ex is thinking about you now after 2 days and if she cares. Bro, it's not all about you. Sorry to say that. This is still all about you and if she took you back today, the same $#@$@# would happen. When you start to see things on her SIDE, then you will have changed and that will only come from experiencing this loss. It may not be permanent, but you seem like an all or nothing kind of guy with very LITTLE patience. You have to work on that man.

That's why you need space man, because sure, if you re-introduced yourself to her in the emotional state you are currently in, you will BLOW it. You are not ready. The day you will know when you are ready, is the day that her reaction will not affect you. You must grow emotionally strong and form a much needed independence from her right now. Please man, don't expect ANYTHING tomorrow for your 9 months. It would have been my ex's and my's anniversary last week as well. What I DO recommend is that you do NOTHING and if anything THIS will allow her to see that you are serious about this and that you take HER seriously. Right now your anniversary no longer holds true. You guys are NOT together right now. You may be together in the future, or you may not. As for me having the advantage over you because I get to see my ex's profile and most of her conversations and comments is NOT such a great thing man, I promise you that! Do you know how it makes me feel to see her put herself out there to SO many men and to see how happy and excited she's acting! That is a VERY hard pill to swallow, but I am swallowing it and taking it like a man. It actually is making me stronger believe it or not. At least I know what I am working with here. What will kill me is that I will KNOW when she has a NEW bf, because she will change her status from single to in a relationship. That won't happen overnight obviously, BUT, I will be in contact with her WELL before that! Look man, don't let your fear and sadness RULE you and whatever you do, DO NOT let her see you like this. It will TURN her off and will make her stay away, FAR AWAY, for a LONG time. To lessen those chances, continue to hang in there and keep posting. I'm not going anywhere (funny, that's what she used to always tell me...that I could never get rid of her). Words.....

Amazon Queen, I don't know how long the break-up has been official, but I do recommend that you do not force any more issues with him for the moment and I surely don't agree with sending him another long letter. If you do that, that time should not be now. Give him and yourself space for awhile. I know it hurts. I'm going through the same thing right now. I tried to propose to my ex the day she left me (10 days ago). That did nothing but make her cry more. I hurt my ex and scared her and I am suffering for it now, while she is back on her chat lines putting herself out there for MALE attention, I am on here being as honest and open with all of you. I do love her, but I do realize that I have to respect her space and if that space becomes something permanent, then I will learn to live with that too. My plans (which are very loose now) is to contact her in the near future (I'm going on day 6 of NC) and to talk about exchanging our stuff. She seems to have forgotten about that, as much as she seems to have forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten about either. Just know that you're not alone and be strong for YOU. Dan

Be Strong, you're absolutely right. You know, what this time away from her is doing for ME is realize that I'm not so Gung Ho about the idea of her taking "me back" as I am so much about me finding myself in this process and realizing that I am strong and that I am good enough and worthy of love. I know I wasn't always a nice guy with her and I know I hurt her and scared her. I would love to have her in my life right now. Right now she is living her life and it seems to be on FAST FORWARD, while I'm taking a step back with mine. I can see things more clearly that way. I don't know what I want anymore after seeing her present actions. I don't think I would plead with her for a second chance. That's not equal. That's not how I would like to start anything with her. That would be on the wrong foot. Hurt, pain and fear DOES go away and I really do hope that this space is helping her with that, alongside her new social life she is actively seeking on her own. I will not put any more wedge between the two of us, even though I currently feel like we are light years away from each other. She wants it to be that way now and that's obvious. The worst thing I can do is try and put a stop to that, because that would KILL all chances of keeping a door open JUST in case. Are her actions showing me she wants to keep a door open, seeing she never replied to my sister almost a week ago and is back out there, or is not even checking in on me in ANY capacity, as if I never existed. It hurts, but I will NOT let her know that. That's how I KNOW I have changed. It's called self-respect. I am respecting her now and will respect her when in contact and that's all I can do.

Look, you are right on so many levels it's not even funny. That was actually really insightful man. I want to add my two cents to that. It does feel like it's over, doesn't it? I mean you know when you guys are together and you have fights that they are hurt, mad, but at the end of the day they will let you back into their "loving arms", but THIS time, you just KNOW that it's different. They hit a point of NO RETURN. Almost as if they woke up from their slumber and realized that they deserved better and when they actually utter those words, it means that they WILL be trying to move on and get over us. This is precisely what my ex is doing and I NEVER thought in a million years that she would have left me and jumped back SO SOON on the market. Kind of lowers our own overall value, doesn't it? Now, while I do stand by what I just wrote, I will also stand by that while NC does allow them to move on and get over us (lessening of their feelings and the love bond that was created and strengthened everyday), they will also be able to see us respecting them if WE keep up NC. That really is the ONLY hope. It shows them that we are respecting them and ourselves as well and that we are actually LISTENING to them and what's most important and this MAY go a long way in time. Sure, the relationship may never be the same again, but it may be better once both parties have grown from the experience and will be able to bring more maturity to the table, but time must elapse. I still see it as though my ex is now looking for something she wanted with me, but the complete package. While she focusses on that, I will continue to focus on ME and if she doesn't want to have the new me in her life when I re-introduce myself, then I will walk away with my head up and that's all I can and that's all WE can do.