GoingForIt_77

Look, what you have to focus in on now is that you MESSED up BIG TIME with her. What you did was DENY her of love, affection, attention, warmth, kindness and the list goes on. What you have to understand now is that she is feeling VERY little and not worthy. What happened is that she woke up from her slumber and realized that she deserved more than what you were giving her and she made a decision to take care of herself, because you weren't living up to your end of the bargain so to speak. Any DRASTIC move you make now will ONLY be perceived as a means to get her back and it will only be regarded with suspicion and resentment. She is ANGRY with you, but she is also HURT right NOW. That won't last forever and that I PROMISE you. What you have to do right now in regards to her is NOTHING. I do believe that you SHOULD be her friend (because you weren't even that with her before), but that time is NOT NOW. You MUST give her space now to recover from the pain and hurt that you inspired in her. You have to allow her to heal from that. During this time apart and it should last for weeks (a bare of minimum 2-6), you have to kick yourself in the $@@#$ and feel the pain of what you did to her, so that if you are ever given the chance with her again, that you will never make the same mistake again. You have to get stronger now and bite the bullet. You have to understand that she is in pain and needs time to let it process and she needs to see that you are RESPECTING her NOW for the first time by giving her space and that WILL change things (her opions, feelings). When enough time has passed, as I mentioned above, you can then slowly re-establish contact. She MAY not be receptive right away and that will be normal, because her defenses will be up and she will protecting her heart again, which is NORMAL. You must understand this and work with it and NOT against it. You must be supportive and understanding when in contact. Do NOT ask her for another chance, or tell her that you love her or that you have changed. Let her see it for herself, if she still wants to. You can never change her mind, but you can help her to want to change it on her own through your NON-THREATENING actions and patience. Remember, she may still hold hostility towards you when you re-approach her in the process. If you won't be able to handle that, then you stand NO chance. Nothing is impossible, because feelings do change. She once loved you. You hurt her and now she is protecting herself from YOU, so not to hurt anymore. Feelings can change again and go from bad back to good, but there must be a progression for that to occur.

The way I see it is these GRAND gestures sometimes work, but NOT if it seems like it's a grand gesture where you declare your undying love for them. That NEVER flies after a breakup (a real break-up...longer than a day) occurs. If you want her back things must hapen first: 1. You must dive into NC for the time being. Make yourself invisible to her in EVERY aspect. No reminder of you will make her remember you on her own time, without you having to remind her and what will happen is that over time, she will start to remember the good times. She may not be thinking of you every day, but when she does, the bad and hurt thoughts will become lighter and her pain and possible anger will diminish, putting you in a better position to: 2. Re-establish contact, BUT, before you do that, you must take this time to work on you and let her do what she has to do for herself, ie: Go out with friends, go out on dates, etc...None of that should matter to you during this time. What should matter to you is that she left you for a reason. Understand what that reason is and deal with it. Deal with YOU. Get stronger, grow more independent, emotionally detach yourself and start using your head, because you'll need it when you feel the time is ready to re-initiate contact with her and when you do, this is what should happen: 3. You come accross as VERY non-threatening. Take into account that her WALL (her defenses) will be up! They won't be as high as they were immediately after the break-up, but they still will be up and if she has ANY love left in her heart for you, she WILL be testing you left, right and center, to see if you REALLY have changed. You must not show her that you are angling to get her back, or that you love her and have been miserable without her. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!! You must be calm, aloof, VAGUE (don't elaborate on much, which is mysterious). Do not aprise her to what YOU'VE been doing to get better, or how much YOU'VE changed. It will all be perceived by her as you wanting to get back together with her and you are looking for a way to do it and that will scare her OFF FAST. You have to be a friend with confidence. The mere fact of you calling will show her that you still care, but you have to SHOW her in not so much what you say, but how you say it, that she is talking with the NEW you and not the one she left. Don't try and push for more contact at that point. The whole point is to go in, take the short period of time to show her stuff she didn't think possible and then PULL OUT and back off for another 1-2 weeks and it will REALLY get her notice and during that time she will be thinking about you 24/7, so that when you do go back in to give a little more without asking for anything, she will be THAT much more receptive to you and MAY in time start looking forward to having contact with you and it CAN progress from there. It's all about lowering her defenses with you and then making her trust you again and then making her feel good and then making her feel great. It's all about taking her through a progression of feelings.. It's all about how you make her feel, but for now, you must take care of YOU, otherwise, you will never be able to take care of her needs when the time comes for you to be able to do so, if that time ever does come. Nothing is impossible, but you DO increase your chances if you do all that is outlined in here... Lastly, if in fact your ex is with someone else when you make contact, you have to show acceptance of this and support her. It's the only way. NO more reacting based on how YOU feel. That will go NOWHERE with her. It never will. Never give up without one last fight. Peace, Dan

By the way, it's not like she has to move out. She has her own place. It's just that the last 4+ months she had been pretty much sleeping here all the time and brought a lot of her stuff over and I had lent her stuff of mine as well. Her Dad would just be there for the lift, because there's a bit too much for her to take on the bus. You know, all that is no longer the issue. There is a bigger picture here and that being, the space I am giving her and myself now and the help I am getting. CAN that allow her to want to have more than just an exchange of our belongings. I am hoping that this time apart will not only allow us to heal, but maybe as well allow her to be more open to seeing me in a different way again. That's the truth. I don't want to rush it and contact her in regards to our belongings prematurely, when in fact this space "could be" be changing her impression/perspective as well.

Simple Answer: Then that's how it's going to be. It's no longer about ME telling her what she should/shouldn't, can/can't do. It's about what SHE'S comfortable with. I meant that when I told her that on Monday. Her feelings and comfort level is what's most important to me. It's not about me imposing mine onto her anymore.

Again, it may not be her necessarily looking for another man, because she is also making plans with girls who she lost touch with as well on there... I don't know if she is back on lavalife? I don't know about her personal messages on facebook. I only know what I can see...i.e. the public comments left on her wall (page) and the ones she left on the other persons (for the most part) and I know she has added 346 people since Monday.. She is trying to distract herself and run away from her hurt pain. It may have diminished during the time since the breakup (10 days), or it may have only started since NC (5 days). What I do know, is that I'm not going to have someone pick up my stuff for me and vice versa. I would understand if SHE got a lift to my place and that person waited in their car for her (she doesn't have a car), BUT again, the first form of contact won't be comprised of asking for the exchange... I am continuing my help for now. I am helping myself to better understand what I did, why I did it and to learn to NOT have to rely on doing that, or feel the need to do that again. I am trying to get stronger during this NC period and gaining a better perspective on things within myself and I am also ADHERING to her request from last Monday, asking me for a little space, while at the same time saying she can't promise me if that space will do anything.. Well, at the time, she didn't see me giving her space. I have done nothing but since that date. I have also been giving myself space.. Again, I don't want the first contact I make to be about exchanging our belongings. I would just contact her to say hi and see how she's doing (school, hew new job, her grandmothers health) and hopefully she will have been able to see that I had been respecting her through my actions and maybe she will be more open and comfortable (less nervous) to talk with me.. Calling up to ask her about our stuff say by the end of the month is about business. That's not how I want to go in with the first contact. If I get no response from my first attempt, then I will be left with no choice but to go back in with the issue of exchanging our stuff.

Thank you Jazzy for your honesty and I don't want to hurt you with all of these questions, but I'm just trying to gain some more insight the situation, to maybe see what's in your head. I do have a couple more questions related to particular situation. 1. Okay, how long did you guys go out before you broke up with him officially the first time? 2. Did you take him back right away when he promised to go for help and change, or did it take awhile for you to take him back? 3. For all following times, how long was the duration of time from the moment you broke it off with him, until you took him back and was it always him who had to prove things to you? 4. Did you apply NC during those times and how long was the longest NC you applied until you took him back? OR did you guys just end it for a day or two and then were back together, which I don't really constitute being a break-up persay... 5. During the time you WERE broken up (left him) did you TRY and move on (go on chat lines/dates), but still had hope deep down inside that he could change and that's why you did give him the chance back then? Did you ever tell yourself and him that you wouldn't take him back (give him no hope) and then DID take him back. 6. What did HE have to do, or WHAT did he do to get you to change your mind back then and was it easy to do (only if the break-up was for longer then a couple of days of course).

For Fun? I gave up all my interests! lol...Actually my ex ALWAYS encouraged me to pick them up again. I play guitar, love music, movies, practice martial arts, do weights, read, love anything water related (beach).

Jazzycat, I'm a little confused as to why you are on Getting Back Together when you don't want to? As the dumper, be honest with me. If he really did present himself to you as a NEW him. As the man you loved. The parts you loved and the ones you couldn't live with were fixed, could you ever change your mind. Be honest, because most dumpees don't really change. They do what they can to convince the dumper to take them back, BUT, let's say you were still single and he did approach you as a different guy than the one you ended it with, would you consider at all letting him back in, even in a very small capacity? I don't want to give you false hope, but I am just curious and don't let your hurt speak, but be completely honest. Is there part of you deep down that wishes he would really change and become the man you loved?

Starting Day 5.

You too man. Thanks!

Listen man, even if she comes back tomorrow, I would insist that both of you guys need some separation to heal from this and grow a littlw bit and then take it from there when the time feels right for both of you. As much as you want her back, you should first get yourself back before you start thinking about her and the "couple".

Only she knows her intentions for adding 350 people since Monday and asking out a dozen people for the next two weeks of her life (girls and guys)....

Thank you.

Hey man, it may be over for good, but it may not. Right now I wouldn't advise you think about that too much. What may be happening is that it may be OVER for NOW, but not forever. Take this time to show her you are working on yourself and your own issues and give her the space SHE needs and the space you need too, because if she allowed you to come back in today, nothing would change and that's why you need this space, to make sure that type of stuff never happen again (at least the part you had to play in it).

Man, my advice to you is to take it day by day. You'll get a little stronger each day that passes. You'll be able to understand yourself a little better. Grow a little more independent and when you feel that you are emotionally detached enough, you can "check in" on her and see how she is doing as a friend and nothing more, but that time is not now. You need weeks man. I'm at the end of my 4th day of NC now and yup, it's been excruciatingly hard, but knowing you're doing it, makes you look back on those tough times and you say to yourself that you are stronger than you gave yourself credit for and it's that strength and confidence that "may" eventually draw them back in, but it takes time for that to happen and for you to get to that point.

And I'll tell you man, THAT isn't a easy thing to do. It's taking ALL the willpower I can muster. I was sick over it last night. Tonight I want to be able to rest without having checked it. That's why I am on here and not on there!

If it progressed back to the stage where we are talking and she starts trusting me again as a friend and then maybe is ready for more, if she already doesn't have a new man by that point, well, I will only at THAT point be honest with her about her account and not tell her to get rid of it, but to tell her that I AM aware of it and let her do what she feels is right. Anyways, I'm a long way from there. As it stands, I am NOT looking at it tonight. I do not want it ruining my night. I already know that she has plans pretty much every night here on out for the next like 2 weeks, with both girls and guys of whom SHE initiated the invite on her own. Anyways, tonight I am not checking her status, or the comments on her wall. Tonight is a night for MEEEEEE.

I'll say it again man. I hope you can hear me. This is important. This unfortunately isn't all about what you feel and if only she knew how you feel. If you want her back in your life in the future, you need to listen to HER and what's important to her. Don't assume you know what she's going through, or how easy it is for her to do what she's doing. Right now, if you really DO have remorse, take your time to yourself and explore that, but away from her, because if you don't separate yourself from her for awhile, you'll just end up hurting each other over and over again. Take a break from her man. Whether it be permanent, or temporary, that is up to you, but either way, you need it as much as she does and take this time to heal and get stronger again and not trying to convince her of anything, because that will never win her over, EVER.

Never say NEVER man. Don't be so final. Space between the two of you may change things. Allow her and yourself to have that much needed space for now and then try and reconnect in a little while. She may just need to some time to herself and to breathe. She may have gotten overwhelmed. The only way to undo that is PULL BACK for awhile with NO CONTACT man!

You know, your words are sweet and remind me SOOO much of how she always used to talk to me. She never let me put myself down and always stood up for me and I miss her SOOO much right now.. You know, she couldn't be with me for very real reasons and I am correcting those very things right now and me respecting her space right now is my way of starting to show her through actions that I am FOR REAL and nothing about my love for her wasn't real or sincere.. I hope she can see this now that I am staying away after our last conversation. I hope she can. It does feel like I lost my best friend over night. We were in it together. We just were there for each other and we were getting stronger, but I was too tough on her "at times". Anyways, I know how other ex's have been with me. How catty they could have been, but then again, I used to push my ex's post-break-up to the brink. I did NOT back down EVER. I would beg, plead and when that didn't work, I would resort to name calling (whatever it took), just so that I would get the last word in and MAKE sure that the last nail was securely in that coffin. It is so different with her though. I never want to hurt her ever again. I did NOT get mad at her once since last Wednesday for leaving me. I did NOT once try and stand in her way. I have been gentle, kind, sympathetic and remorseful since the moment she left me and now, I am respecting her space. In a lot of ways, I am still proving my love to her and I miss her and yes, it has to hurt a little less so that when I do feel the time is right to initiate contact, that she will not only have seen me having respected her space for as long as I had, but she will also sense the changes in me and I HOPE that her FEAR can diminish. Oh how I wish it can diminish...

I don't have ANY plans for anything at all. What I mean is that her just out of the blue like in a week or two contacting me about wanting to exchange our stuff just doesn't seem like something she would do. Why? Well, it's the way she left me. She completely walked out of my life, ceased all contact from the start (pretty much), aggressively tried to pursue a single life and connect with people (pretty much right away), took NO concern or interest in ANYTHING to do with my life, or who she just left behind, demonstrating perhaps that she didn't value me as a person at all, seeing she wanted absolutely NO reminder of me, to out of the blue contacting me to ask for her stuff back. I would just see that as her not caring about me, but just about her material possessions. I do feel like I have been cut out like a cancer and am trying to be replaced quickly, which makes me feel pretty much used, deceived and worthless. I KNOW she is hurting now, or was, or still is. I don't KNOW, but I am NOT requesting to have my stuff back just yet, because I do take her request to have a little space seriously and SO, I am waiting to discuss the exchange of our possessions, but I don't want to wait forever either.. That's how I feel.

I'll clarify. I most definitely do not believe that she will reward me with contact if I continue to respect her wish for a little bit of space. I don't believe that is on her agenda and I most assuredly am not givnig her space just so that she will initiate on her own. She just won't. I am not clinging or holding onto our respective possessions as a means to have one more contact. In fact, the exchange of our things is the "last resort". I would much prefer to have a communication with her in the not too distant future that has nothing at all to do with our respective things... It was HER who told me that she would like her things back (CD player/discman, Leather boots, earings, 2 videos of the family that belong to her grandmother, tupperware, DVD's and some other "private stuff" and perhaps pictures she had given me). As for what she has of mine, well, movies, books, clothes, etc... She had written me last Thursday when she said that she would be open to having limited contact with me via email for now and she would email me about exchanging our stuff for early next week (which has come and gone). Granted, we spoke (I called her) on Monday and she told me she needs a little space. Space for what? I'm not sure anymore to be honest.. So yeah, it's not something to now be blown off. I doubt she forgot about it, but what I do believe is that she IS expecting me to contact her again, because that was what was discussed on Monday between us. I asked her if it was okay if I contact her in a bit, to keep her involved in my progress and to see how she's doing and she told me she can't promise me anything (if she'd be receptive or even respond) then or ever.. She just didn't know, but she didn't say NOT to try and SO, I believe that she is waiting for that contact to occur, for her to bring up the issue of our possessions. Perhaps, the longer I wait, she may on her own initiate contact for the sole purpose of asking for her stuff back and vice versa, but I see her as thinking that would be a low thing to do, to only contact me for that reason alone and SO, it could be she's trying to move on so that when it comes time to exchange our stuff, it will no longer hurt her as much to see me as it would now. Again, I don't know though

You see, your thread is called "LOST...NEED guidance" Man, that speaks for itself, doesn't it? If you are announcing your anguish like that for all of us to help make it better for you, imagine how SHE must have felt. One word: OVERWHELMED. You see, I used to be exactly like you in relationships, until I met someone who was the more submissive and dependent one and I refused to show my weakness with her until almost the very end, when I started to let go and START depending on her. You have to be strong for you and she needs a strong person to lean on and protect her. When you lean on her for your own happiness, she can't cope with that and so she RUNS (RAN).. Now, instead of running after her, walk away and gain your own strength. It may take 2 weeks and it may take 6. I don't know. It all depends on how determined YOU are. You can be sensitive with her when with her, but never put all your own esteem onto her and expect her to carry your burden. She will for awhile and then she'll bail and want to be set free, which is where she is at now. Set her free for now and set YOURSELF free too. Once you need you and only you, check up on her. NOT BEFORE.

I'm actually not even on facebook. I just have a silly dummy account with a few of her friends on there and through there account I access my ex's. You said it yourself, how it's not even yet been a week (4 days actually) of NC and that's what's amazing. In those 4 days, she has accumulated a list 0f 350 people and IS asking out both girls and guys... I look on there to see where she is at in herself (her updated status comments being left at 2:30am, etc...) and of course the men she's meeting or RECONNECTING with now that she's single again and asking them out... This can't be easy for the either of us.. You know, last night when saw her ask one of the guys out on her list (she left him a comment on his wall (page), I thought to myself that I had enough and was going to call her up and let her know that I KNOW about her account and what she's doing (as innocent as it may be) and tell her that I want my stuff back, BUT something stopped me from doing that. I thought to myself, that's what the Dan she was forced to leave would have done and so WHY would I do the same thing that made her have to leave and what would validate to her that she was right in having done so? I see it as she is AWARE that her stuff are here and my stuff are there and we spoke about it 8 days ago. I know that things changed on Monday when she requested to have have a little space, but I don't see this space going on indefinitely. HOWEVER, if time does go by (weeks) and she does not reach out to make arrangements with me, after having seen me respect her wishes of having space, then I will have no choice but to call her up and make the arrangements with her. Everything seems so much up in the air and so much in HER hands and I DO understand that. The last thing I want to do is pressure her at this point over stuff that will be exchanged at one point or another anyways. IT could be she's not dealing with it right now because she's not sure about things fully. I don't know...

Okay I'll put it bluntly man. Start acting like a MAN. Forget about proving yourself to her. She broke up with you yesterday. She wants you to prove yourself to her by being the MAN in YOUR actions and what will SHOW her that you are stronger than she thinks you are is giving her and yourself space. My ex erased me from her Myspace the day she broke up with me. She also created an account on Facebook and added 350 people since Monday. Guess what? I am NOT reacting to any of that. What I am doing is taking care of ME now and that's the ONLY thing that MAY want to make her turn her head in a bit, UNLESS she finds a new man on her facebook before that could happen. I could be insecure and controlling now and tell her I know about her account. I could do all of that, but what I am doing and what you should do as well, is through your ACTIONS, give both her and yourself space. She didn't break up with you so that you could PROVE your love to her. Trying to prove that will make her NEVER want to come back. She wants you to be a MAN and walk away for now. That's the only thing that will make her miss and appreciate YOU more...Don't give in after 3-4 days. You have to do this for weeks. If you can hold out as long as 5-6 even better. Go at least 3-4...That's my suggestion. She will treat you so much differently at that point in time. Right now she takes you for granted. Pull away for awhile and watch that change.