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GoingForIt_77

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Everything posted by GoingForIt_77

  1. GoingForIt_77
    Heloladies, it all depends on WHY they left you in the first place. You can never force someone to come back to you, but you can try and test out the waters with them when in contact, after some time has passed of course and see if they would want to, or feel comfortable in coming back on their own, because they want to. Again, it all depends on what the reasons were that they left you. If it was purely because they did NOT love you. NOTHING can possibly change that, short of a seduction, HOWEVER, if they left you because you hurt or scared them and ended up pushing them away in the process, you have to make them feel more comfortable in your presense and then make them feel good and then great..
  2. GoingForIt_77
    "She told me as we said goodbye after breaking up that she has never been so angry and so upset at anyone during a breakup." Now, the only reason I could see her doing this is that she felt pushed pushed pushed and guess what? She may have also said that so you would fight back and so she could feel justified in walking away from you. The best thing that could have been said in that situation was I understand and I'm sorry you feel that way and THAT'S IT... Now you do NOTHING my man. If you want her to start to see you different..i.e.: Gain back some respect for you, you must stay strong now. She is GUARANTEED expecting you to break down now and go chasing after her. She sees you as helpless and that's why she is running. DON'T chase her now. Do whatever it takes to stay away from contacting her for now. Get through the tough times NOW without her and if after all that you still have love in your heart for her and you want to present the new you (really just you with more confidence), you can, but not before then. That's my plan anyways.
  3. GoingForIt_77
    Not all of us are without our ex's because they did not love us back, or as much as we loved them.. Love isn't always enough, when there is pain and hurt involved... We sometimes push and push our ex's thinking that they will never leave us, but they can and in my case, she did... She didn't leave me because she fell out of love for me. She left me because it hurt too much to love someone who would hurt her sometimes and scare her sometimes... She is taking care of HER needs right now. I am in therapy right now, understanding what I did, understanding where it came from and why I resort to using this defense mechanism. I apologized profusely for hurting her. I told her that I need to get well now and that I can't be in a relationship when this is still in me. I told her that I understand how she feels and why she feels she has no other choice but to leave me.. She asked for a little bit of space on Monday (we broke up 9 days ago) and that is what I am giving her and myself in the process. She has created a profile on facebook, added 350 people and is making plans with both men and women right now. The best thing is to NOT be angry at your ex. They are taking care of their needs right now. They are not being selfish. They are being good to themselves and we must do the same thing. I do believe that there is nothing wrong with re-iniating contact at some point, but it must be done only once you are stronger and less emotional. They were drawn to confidence and our lack of it eventually repelled them, in the way we began to communicate with them. Regain you and that is the only key to regaining your lost love, but space IS required first.
  4. GoingForIt_77
    That's not me. I used to be like that Hell. I have true remorse and nothing of what I am doing now is selfish. My giving her space and not trying to convince her to come back to me is me showing her that I DO love her and DO understand how she feels and that I respect her and that I am sorry... I know that I will eventually contact her, but I need for both of us to breathe now. When I do contact her, it will NOT be the standard ME talking about MY feelings and how I have CHANGED. No way. I will just be real and gauge to see where she is at in herself, without having to ask her.. If she is not ready to talk to me, I will not argue with her.. Space is what she asked for and space is what I am giving her and myself in the process. I need to grow stronger from this forced space and more sure of myself and learn to gain control over MY actions and reactions and NOT over her. That's not what this is about anylonger.
  5. GoingForIt_77
    We'll never know if it was an incompatibility issue until we rid ourselves of our own fears and doubts and neediness... If we can let in love without questioning it, trying to control it and make it do something it is not supposed to do (rid us of our low self-esteem and self-worth), than we see compatibility GROW exponentially.
  6. GoingForIt_77
    No, I don't claim it made her stronger. It weakened her. Please don't make me feel I believe otherwise. I know that it was wrong.
  7. GoingForIt_77
    SFG, if you need to talk PM me. I CAN relate to you and your situation MORE than you know. Dan
  8. GoingForIt_77
    I see it like this: No, we can't force our ex's to come back, but we can start to understand ourselves a little better and work on our own issues. Specifically the ones that pushed our ex's away from us and in most cases forced them to have to leave us. If we can see ourselves for who we are and love ourselves and not doubt ourselves and our onw abilities, then we will grow that much stronger and into a better person in every way. NOW, if the love is still there for our ex, I see nothing wrong with re-initiating contact at that point. It should only be done when you realize that you do NOT need your ex for your own happiness. If your ex can smell the new you (new found confidence) and still has feelings for you, there is no coersion, or manipulation involved at that point.
  9. GoingForIt_77
    SFG, I can promise you she saw you like that. As much as my ex supported me and wanted to be hear for me, when I finally let her in to my problems, I grew dependent on her and that's when she started to unconsciously start emotionally pulling away from me. You know, it may be too late for us, but it may not be, but the way I see it, is that US getting stronger and growing more independent and SURE of ourselves is a WIN WIN situation. You'll start to feel better about yourself and you will start to see everything differently at that point and your ex will be forced to see you differently, without you having to force her to do so...
  10. GoingForIt_77
    Guys, stop telling him she isn't worth his time. If he loves her then that's up to him to decided. Of course he is pointing out the bad because he is angry right now. Can't you guys see that it's his way of dealing with his pain?? Be a neutral role. Listen to what he wants and help him achieve that goal.. You know, guys like you must be talking to my ex and telling her the same things you are telling hi.. I say do what you feel is right, but the timing is off.
  11. GoingForIt_77
    Hub, he is saying these things now because he is hurt and angry. It's not up to you or anyone else to tell him to run for the hills and call her selfish. She has done what she had to do for herself at the time and I'm sure she had her reasons. We are dealing with someone who is emotional and hurt now and it's normal for him to want to paint her out to be a #@!@!#. It shows he still loves her. I can bad mouth my ex and call her insincere for creating a profile days after breaking it off with me. I can utter the worst, but she is just taking care of herself now and he must do the same.
  12. GoingForIt_77
    As long as you are focussing on pointing out her faults now I say don't even bother contacting her for longer than I thought you originally should. If you hold a grudge and resentment, it will come out when in contact with her. If you are insecure and try and make it better, that will also come out. You have to be aloof, vague, indifferent and emotionally detached and lose the anger and hurt. I don't think you're ready to do that, so if you go in now with that, you will seal your fate with her forever. I promise you that.
  13. GoingForIt_77
    I am making my assumptions based on what he doesn't realize he is saying. Him wanting to make her a film NOW, is the wrong thing to do.. He is insecure and that is clear. Guess what? So am I and the fact is, our gf's can only take so much of that. They don't want a boy who will fall apart if they are NOT around. They want a man who recognizes his own self-worth and is willing to walk away if he must. What he must do now is FORCE himself to give her space. I did not say NEVER to contact her again, because if he loves her, he will have to, because she won't. His actions must be geared towards proving to himself that HE is worth it and that he won't fall apart now. She needs him to be strong and NOT fall apart. She will run further away and the feel justified in doing so.. Don't show her that you are worried that she will meet someone else. You are just showing her who little you think of yourself (I know because I've done it plenty). Accept her present decision and do NOT try and defend you actions, or try and change her mind. Let her breathe and let her see that you can and will survive for the time being without her love. It's your only chance. My advice is to really look at yourself and ask yourself if you are STRONG and INDEPENDENT and YOUR happiness is dependent on NO ONE, but YOU. When you can get to that point, give her a call..
  14. GoingForIt_77
    Don't make her a film. Don't try and bribe her with anything. Let her be for now. Don't ask her if she will be with another guy now... I FINALLY figured out WHY she left you. You are INSECURE man and she KNOWS it and she is running from that. She has lost respect for you and sees that you cannot cope without her and that is a HUGE turnoff for a woman.. Give her space NOW, do NOTHING and prove her wrong. Show her for as long as you can that you CAN do without her even if you love her. That is your only hope of finding YOU and getting HER back as a result of having done so.
  15. GoingForIt_77
    You would tell her how hypocritical her actions were????? Are you serious??? WRONG again. It's amazing how some people have NO idea what it takes to get back their ex and what is the worst possible things you can do to assure you that they NEVER come back.. If you call her a hypocrite, kiss all chances of her ever so much as talking to you ever again. Don't you guys get it??? Her having left him had nothing to do with him having spoken to his mother. There were more issues which have been outlined. He has to get stronger now, because he is far from strong and is WAY too dependent on her for his own happiness now. She doesn't see him as a man. She looks down on him. She lost respect for him. He has to start respecting himself and HER and he won't do that by starting more arguments with her, as to how wrong SHE was....LOL...
  16. GoingForIt_77
    You know, there is always more to the story Hub. The main thing is that he knows what happened and if he has control over his own actions and NOT hers, it's time to start acting on them and NOW is NOT the time to so searching for answers from her. Whatever she tells him now will be her clouded feelings and if she is closed now and if he tried anything now, or in the days to come, it will make matters MUCH worse. I fear that he may not be strong enough to take my advice right now. The mere fact that he is not responding to his own thread as fast as I would when in distress shows me that he may have already tried to contact her since having first posted. Just a gut instinct based on past experiences. I am a proponent for re-establishing contact, but only after you have taken the necessary time to get stronger and no matter what the outcome of your contact will be, you will be able to handle it. For the most part, dumpers do NOT contact the dumpee and you decrease your chances even more of that happening if you continue to chase them. You must BACK off completely for as long as you humanly can. Make contact again, when your head is in charge and NOT your heart.
  17. GoingForIt_77
    This is NOT about control, being under hers, or vice versa. She is NOT being selfish. She is hurting for other reasons and this was the hump that broke the camels back. I stand by what I just wrote.
  18. GoingForIt_77
    WRONG!! Now is NOT the time to sit down and talk to her. She is NOT open to him now. Her defenses are up now. She will fight him off. I fully agree that he should make it clear that he was wrong and acknowledges that he hurt her and then he MUST pull away as she has done with you. You cannot go fight fire with fire. You WILL lose and even more than you already have. For whatever reason, she felt smothered, trapped, pressured and may have gotten scared. NOW is the time to leave her alone for a bit. NO, not forever, but NOT until you have shown her what life is like without you around. Respect her and yourself in the process. There is nothing wrong with reastablishing contact with her in the future, but not now. Not now because you are still very emotional and attached and she will RUN far away from you now if you try. I PROMISE that. This isn't a little fight where a flower will bring her back. She made up her mind and you need to back OFF RIGHT NOW for her to be able to see things and YOU differently. That is your ONLY chance man and whatever you do, do NOT impose YOUR needs on her right now, including asking her to sit down and talk about things or making her listen to WHY you did what you did. She doesn't care. She is NOT open to you right now, so BACK off for NOW, but nor forever. Go away for a few weeks...maybe longer. IF she meets someone else in the meantime, then she does. That should not be a determining factor in making you try and speed up the process. The girl got scared. Now let her calm down!
  19. GoingForIt_77
    My advice and I DO speak from experience is to give her PLENTY of space. Enter into NC. You are WAY too emotional right now for her to be able to deal with and I PROMISE if she caves in now and takes you back right away, in a week to 2 she'll be gone again at the first sight of a potential argument, because in many ways, as much as she will be wanting to avoid them, she will be looking for one, and that will be her test, BUT, there is a larger test happening here and that is YOU admitting that you have hurt her and allow her to take the time to get over her hurt WITHOUT being reminded of who instilled that into her: YOU. You must step back and allow her to breathe and calm down. Buddy, I am in the same EXACT situation as you are. 4 months and I made mistakes with her and she is hurt and scared and cut the ties when that overuled her feelings for me, even though they were/still are there. Right now my ex has created a facebook account and has added 350 people and is chatting up a storm with girls and guys and planning every night of her week and we only broke up 9 days ago. I NEVER once asked her to reconsider. I went with her feelings and told her I understood. I admitted to being wrong and am seeking help now to deal with MY personal issues that came out with her. She knows I love her, but she also knows that I am not stopping her right now. The key is to listen to her feelings and to also know that she is hurt and pulled back. If you keep chasing, she will pull back more and more and your task will get harder and harder. She wants you to PUSH so she can feel justified in having left you. If you pull back and agree with her decision, she will not feel as threatened by you in time, but what you need is TIME for that to take place. I see nothing wrong with going back in, but that time is NOT yet.. Weeks buddy. that's what it will take. She won't foget about you. She may try hard to meet someone else as my ex MAY doing now, but if you respect her NOW, she will NOT forget about you and will focus more on the good, but just be there to remind her of it. Let your actions speak louder than your words ever could.
  20. GoingForIt_77
    I have NO way of proving that she is looking for a bf. She is looking for friends on that site of hers, both FEMALE and MALE. She is trying run away from the pain with ALL of those distractions. That is for sure, but at the end of the day, the pain is still there, no matter how much encouragement and support you get from others. YOU must heal YOU. She asked me for space. That is what I am giving her now. Her being on facebook and chatting up a storm will NOT make me react prematurely based on my emotions. It was my impulsive reactions that pushed her away from me in the first place. I would be a "fool" to make a deal about THIS... Me giving her space is showing her nothing but respect. There will have to come a time where we DO deal with our stuff. No third parties have to be involved. I am now respecting her and have since the break-up. I have NOT once pleaded with, or tried to change her mind. I am given her my support, understanding of how I hurt her and the truth that I AM going for help to rid myself of these demons and learn to control my reactions and since Monday (5 days after doing LC) I have done NOTHING at all, even after being faced with the knowledge of her facebook account. I am still giving her space and myself as well to think things through and grow a bit stronger and more emotionally detached, which is crucial..
  21. GoingForIt_77
    We both have things of each other and I know that a week ago she wanted to make the exchange, but since her and I spoke on Monday and when she told me she needs "a little bit of space" the issue of doing the exchange has NOT been brought up by her, seeing there has been NO CONTACT at all since Monday and yes, I am proud that I am still respecting her space, even in the face of this adversity. She must know this and see this, which means that contact will occur at some point. It could be she is waiting to meet someone else and be over me before she re-initiates contact, otherwise it may be too hard on her. It could also be that she may feel that it is no longer important to reclaim her stuff (I don't believe that though, seeing she has stuff of mine as well), OR, it could be that she just isn't READY to deal with that just now and is waiting to see HOW much I can respect her request for space and will go from there at that point. Thoughts???
  22. GoingForIt_77
    Will she really be able to think about things if she is a madwoman on facebook and making plans every night of the week? It seems like she is running away from her feelings and chooing NOT to deal with them. Is that possible, or is she just fooling herself thinking that her "distractions" will make her stop thinking?? I know that my distraction help in the interim, but when they are not there, I think and I wonder if she's doing the same thing. As much as she is not contacting me now and taking more interest in other people, then showing ANY concern about me, I will continue to STILL respect her space.
  23. GoingForIt_77
    krnelson2, We didn't live together. We were going to find a place together in June, BUT, she slept here every night and I see her in my kitchen. I see her in my den. I see her in my bathroom and in my bedroom and in the hall. I see US sitting there and laughing. She doesn't have those physical reminders as I do. She has the memory of my (our) appartment and the times we had in it, but I am faced with it on a daily basis... Nevertheless, NC DOES really make us miss them more, not less. Sure, it makes us stronger, but it also makes us realize what went wrong, why it went wrong and how much we love and miss them (the good).. If it weren't for my issues, she would never have had to force herself to leave and this is what kills the most.. She just couldn't see past the hurt and probably because it was TOO overwhelming. I wonder what I represented to her during those few days POST breakup when we were sustaining LC and HOW that if it is at all has changing since Monday? Do you think that me staying away now WILL allow her to get over me quicker, or the mere fact that I have now removed myself as well, that she will only NOW begin to feel the true loss of ME and the good? Is this what makes them reconsider and makes them MORE open to believing that we really could kick the habit that drove them away???
  24. GoingForIt_77
    Hey Dave, it looks like you're not reading my posts man. I HAVE been respcting her since the breakup in that I NEVER once asked her to come back, or reconsider. Sure I kept up LC from Wednesday to Monday, but my intentions during that time were to show her how serious I was about getting help and admitting to my wrong doing and showing her that I understood what she was going through and I DO... Since Monday, I have practiced NC because of her having asked me that same day that she needs a little space. I did NOT argue with her. I did NOT ask her why, or tell her that I LOVE her and ask her to reconsider, as so MANY on here have and still do, which is the WORST thing that can be done and what will assuredly get you the Heisman RIGHT AWAY...i.e. "I NEVER want to have any contact with you ever again". I have shown her nothing but respect now and do take her seriously and I hope that she knows deep down how serious I am about getting help. Will that bring her back to me? Maybe not. Will that allow her to feel comfortable enough with me to have contact with me in the not too distant future? Maybe. I am NOT going to cave in and contact her because of her activity on and off her facebook account. It's a test of will here. I am liking the fact that I am strong enough NOT to cave in right now and go in prematurely, even in the face of fear of losing her forever.
  25. GoingForIt_77
    Ellie, no need to apologize for the multiple posts. It IS helping me. I agree with you that confronting her on this will validate and justify to her that she HAS made the right decision. In the relationship for the most part, I would act/react based on my emotions and on impulse, rather than stepping back and controlling my thoughts and not trying to control her. The worst thing I can do is use this as a means, or reason to contact her. It will be the death of me and her completely. I have to be accepting of what she is doing now and show her that I respect the space she asked for, regardless of what she is doing during that time...
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