GoingForIt_77

I guess he'll just have to try then, won't he?

Ramsickle, you have to understand that it is UNWANTED when someone dumps you. It's unwanted pressure and the timing is off. It is usually seen as a means to get the person back, because that is usually the intention and it automatically raises suspicions. That is human nature. It is TOO direct. The only way to approach an ex is in the most non-threatening, indirect, confident and aloof manner. It's the only way. There can be no signs of eagerness, neediness and desperation. That is what drove them away in the first place.

She could see that I was thoughtful. She knew I was and we're talking about my former ex now (not my past ones). She new that I was a good person, but the fact is, I hurt her really bad. I damaged her ego and she had to pull out to save herself from further heartache, of which I was causing her. It would appear now from her actions that she has completely cancelled me out of her life (blocked me everything) and is on 2 chat lines. She's dealing with her hurt in her own way and I have to stand back and watch it from a distance for now (NC). I am respecting her space and her in the process. I am sleeping tonight in the bed I made for myself. I cannot change her mind, nor will I try to. I know not to make the same mistakes with her (post-breakup) as I have done with former ex's. If given the chance, I would never hurt her again. Right now, I have to continue to use my head and not let my emotions guide me. I still love her, even though she is out of sight right now. She is not out of mind though. Not by a long shot. She thinks she can replace me by connecting with the masses. I say that won't happen. She is running away from the hurt and is looking for someone to take it away. I am looking to take away my own. I have to grow even stronger and healthier right now, while continuing to respect the "little bit of space" she asked for a week ago. She has kept herself really busy in the last week (her facebook activity proves that), but guess what? I have done something with her, that I have never done with any other ex before and that's actually respect her space and those are ACTIONS that will speak louder than my words and promises ever could.

I actually agree with you on this one Blender

Because sometimes having the ex see someone else reaping the benefits of the lessons you learned with her, IS a wake up call for the ex and it may at that point start REALLY regretting having left you, but I don't FULLY agree in this method. Being an object of desire is fine. It's attractive and shows confidence, but trying to hurt your ex intentionally by having them see you with someone else is a bit juvenile. There are other ways.

Bubbles I can now see that you have the wrong attitude man. You are STILL expecting something from your ex. She owes you NOTHING. When you begin to understand that and accept that, you will have progressed to where you have to get within yourself. She is under no obligation to do anything. It's that attitude of expecting her to be this way or do that that probably pushed her away in the first place. You have to give without expecting ANYTHING in return, otherwise don't give at all.

If you contact them with intention of wanting more than just being friends with them, they will pick up on that and you will close the door on your foot before you ever had a chance to step into the car. Take it slow. Never announce your intentions from the start when getting BACK in with someone who YOU have hurt. Take it slow, or they will not give you any chance. They left us for a reason. Don't forget that.

Parsley, I see you are 18 years old and I am not saying this to you because of you age, because my now ex, isn't that much older than you, but from experience (11 years more than you), I will tell you that if there still are feelings there on both ends, the friendship WILL progress into something more quite rapidly. If the person left you because they didn't love you, then that's a different story, but if they left you because they had to protect their heart from getting hurt, the starting slowly with a selfless friendship is the best way to lead back into something more.

Helloladies, You probably don't recognize me (I used to have a different username), but I remember you. I was on this site for quite a while, just to help other people. At times I was considered to be quite outspoken. I guess it's because I didn't always share the same philosophy/attitude as most on here do. My thoughts on what you just said are as follows: I don't believe that our ex's will be black and white with us, as to whether they want to be with us or not. I believe it's a lot more complex than that. Our ex's are for the most part, just as in conflict as we are, but in a very different way. It really boils down to WHY they felt they HAD to leave us in the first place. They didn't feel like they were leaving the person they MET, or fell in love with and thereforeeee, they wouldn't want to be with someone who reminds them of the same person they left. There confusion lies in their lack of trust in us, as to whether or not we still have the potential to hurt them or not. Actually, as the dumpee, we fear the same thing, but our fear is more irrational than theirs. We for the most part PUSHED them away with our actions. For them to have something called "cognitive dissonance", whereby their head starts seeing something different in us, which goes against what they believed, then their head will start to question things again and it will start to talk to their heart and two areas MAY be curious to further investigate the situation and see if they can step a few week into the sand and NOT sink. Them being unsure and apprehensive is completely normal and that is OUR doing. We can't try and convince them to trust us again through our words (promises). It has to be done through our actions.

Good Luck Bubbles! Stay strong and that's exactly what you'll need to get through the next 30 days. When you come out of it, you will be that much stronger, if in fact you TRULY work on bettering yourself in every way.

You shouldn't look at it as though you deserve more than that or not. that isn't the issue. Look, it all depends on WHY they left you. People sometimes generalize their situations and extend them to everyone elses. For the most part, we hurt, scared, put a large dose of doubt in our ex's mind. They stopped trusting and respecting us. We didn't meet our end of the bargain is what it came down to. If you feel they are worth it, there is nothing wrong with being their friend. Again, that's all you should strive to be at first with them. Why would they jump back into a relationship with someone they are not sure if they can trust or not and by the same token, why would you want more right away anyways either? You have to let it progress. It's all about progression. You can't skip steps.

If she doesn't have a new bf yet, then it's you against him, or them (her other prospects). My ex is meeting TONS of new people now on a daily basis through her two online profiles. She NEEDS that and do you know why? Because I am not YET a suitable bf. I can't offer her what she NEEDS YET. I am working on myself. I have to. There is a reason she left me. NO, they won't wait around for us to get it right, but if we do, then we may have a chance, but all of that is secondary in getting stronger first and getting back to YOU. When you live for you, you will become a lot more attractive to the opposite sex and that includes your ex.

Bubbles, that's because you depend too much on what she thinks. You MUST get stronger. If she senses that strength in you, she will 100% respond to you. If you are scared of getting rejected, don't do it! Go in, expecting NOTHING. That should always be your attitude. This is why most of them left us. We put too much emphasis on what THEY thought, or what they did or didn't give us. We demanded TOO much from them. They felt overwhelmed and couldn't deal with that kind of pressure, of always trying to please us and always worry that it just wouldn't be good enough for us.

Bubbles, I disagree with you on not wanting to fall into the friend spot. That is the BEST place to be. So many on here FEAR the word "friendship", when in fact that is all you should strive to want to have with your ex at first. Do you think it's wise to just jump back into a romantic relationship with them? It's not. While being a friend, if you are even given the chance to do so, is the perfect opportunity to re-earn there trust in you and if there were once feelings there, they can always resurface, if in fact they start to see the person they fell in love with come out over time and you should act like that's all you want, or can/should HAVE with them for starters and see whether it can develop back into more. Indirect and non-threatening approach is the ONLY way, but time must pass and space must be given.

Bubbles is right. The act in itself is not appropriate if we're not sure if it's going to be welcomed. It's like I thought of sending my ex a poem last week. A poem by her favorite author, but I thought twice of doing that, because yeah, even though it's something she would have loved to have received while with me, now that we're not together, it will scare her off and it will come accross as being desperate and even pathetic. She won't appreciate it, nor will she have respect for me having done that. WHY? Because she will not feel she deserves that kind of treatment. She will feel guilty and look down on me for not respecting myself. Sweet gesture or not. If you show your disdain on holidays and don't do what they would be expecting us too, it makes them REALLY take notice and they regain some of that lost respect they once had for us and out of a regained respect, can develop interest. There is nothing wrong with doing something for her, but something grand like that (even if it's a small card), will turn her off. I know, because I sent a fish to one of my ex's work a few years ago (post breakup). I waited for a call from her for hours after I knew she would have received it. I was expecting her to call me up and thank me, but that call never came. I ended up calling her and she said that the gift scared her and more damage was done. I didn't learn from my mistakes, because with the next ex (not my current one) I sent her an expensive box set Mo-Town 4 CD compilation by mail, thinking she'll for sure love it and that wasn't the case. I even called her to ask her if she got it. She never even called me up to tell me she did. Pattern anyone? Those types of stuff never work. Look, I think the point is, they don't want us to kiss their feet. They automatically feel guilty and lose respect for us and they will want to STAY far away at that point. If you do anything, make it seem effortless and let some time pass. An email with a link is a non-threatening (vague) move, which can be simply interpreted for what it is. Stick to the

"I would feel like a million bucks if the man I wanted actually took the time to give me his attention for an entire day and show me how he felt about me." Right, but in his case and in most of ours, she would NOT feel like a million bucks because it's WAY TOO DIRECT and spells out pressure and desperation. There are other ways to reach out, other than your standard holidays. It could be something more personalized, but make it seem like it's no big deal. An article you came accross that you thought she would be interested in, or something of that nature.

Blender, why in the world would the dumper have to "prove" anything to the dumpee? For the dumper to be too scared to reach out is not a fair or accurate assessment of their feelings of devotion for the person they left. In fact, it is 100% the dumpee who should prove to the dumper, not that they are worthy of love, or respect (which is earned of course), but that they can SHOW the dumper through their ACTIONS that they were wrong and miss them and again, this should for the most part not even be spoken, but demonstrated. All this can only happen after time has elapsed however. Space for the first few weeks must be respected, which shows the dumper that the dumpee is respecting them and is respecting themselves as well and this in itself MAY lead to curiosity on the dumpers part, but not necessarily equate to them reaching out and it has nothing to do with pride. It has more to do with a valid fear of getting hurt again, not knowing if the dumpee has changed at all and so, the dumpee CAN appease the dumpers curiosity by re-introducing themselves and not as the person that was left, but as a new and improved person with more confidence and deeper appreciation for the dumper.

By the way, I also caused the break up in my situation. I pushed her into doing it, even though it was the very last thing in the world I expected or wanted her to do.

No, her ex did not leave her. I'm not sure we're reading the same post. She was the "dumper". Not the dumpee. She walked out on him, as did my ex, for very similar reasons and HE (the dumpee) tried to convince her to change her mind and did not initially respect her space and she felt overwhelmed and eventually chose to ignore his controlling efforts. At first she was RELIEVED, but in time, something changed for her. She actually SAW that he was respecting her and that had more meaning than words ever could and her feeling of wanting to stay away from him forever diminished and she actually started missing him and hoped that HE would call her, seeing he was the one with the problem, NOT HER and when he did, in a very non-threatening manner (something she didn't even expect him to do), she replied immediately to him and it took off from there. Point is: NOTHING is impossible and sometimes (most of the time), the dumper will NOT initiate contact. They think, if only he or she would change. If only. Guess what? If they do, then there is HOPE, unless of course the dumper has found someone else.

And it was that space that he finally gave her that ALLOWED her to miss him and remember the good, because he was RESPECTING her, but did you read the part where she said that she felt it was up to HIM to SHOW her and not TELL of his changes. A good part of her once she was over the hurt and anger was hoping he would do SOMETHING. That is the attitude of most dumpers. Most, not all.

Flowers was just WAY too direct and of course you felt that way. A mere Merry Christmas (not as grand and overwhelming) would probably have gone a lot further with you. Sending you flowers was him looking for, or more so expecting a GRAND reaction from you. Wrong move.

An ex who is not making a loving effort? That's an oxy moron if I ever heard one. Have a look at something this girl posted on here almost 2 years ago and see if this changed your mind at all: "I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago (I am 27, he is 29, we dated for about 1.5 years). I broke up with him because I felt that he had become so selfish in our relationship. The last 2 months of our relationship were bad- it was a lot of fighting, a lot of him getting angry, a lot of unwillingness on his part to compromise. He became pretty cold towards me, and I felt like I was the only one even trying. I had been trying to talk about it for a while, but he never wanted to, and would refuse to discuss things. He started saying things like "this is how I am, take it or leave it." After a particularly bad fight, after he broke plans with me to go out with his friends, I had enough. I felt exhausted and drained. I ended things, gave him back his keys, and walked out of his house. He was shocked at that. I honestly think he thought that I would put up with this crap forever. That night I think he left over 10 messages on my cell. I sat on my bed sobbing, but knowing that nothing he could say would change things. When we finally talked the next day, and he realized that I was serious about the break-up, he immediately started pressuring me. I told him that I needed some time and space to think about things, but I felt like ending things was the best thing for me. He didn't accept that, and started pressuring me to give things another chance. It made things so much worse. The endless calls were awful. I felt that he was acting selfishly, once again. He wanted to talk, and I didn't, so he just kept calling and e-mailing. No respect for my wishes for some space. It was like his need to talk was more important than me saying that I needed some time. When I would finally break down and pick up, or call him back, it usually followed the same pattern. It would start off nice, catching up. But sooner or later, even though he knew I didn't want to, he would bring up our relationship. It would start off with him apologizing for stuff he did wrong. But he could never leave it there. He would start saying stuff like 'but it wasn't just me.." or "you made mistakes too" and on and on. The calls would always end badly. He wanted things from those conversations I was not able to give him, and it made him frustrated and upset. He wanted me to say that I would give things another chance. He wanted me to say that I was miserable without him. He was always upset when I needed or wanted to hang up. One of my friends finally said- look, you ended things with him because he always wanted things his way. He's being the same way now. You don't have to deal with it anymore." She was right, and I finally stopped answering or returning his calls. I mean, how could I miss him or regret that we had broken up when he was calling and e-mailing all the time, and everything was either upset or angry? When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. He didn't contact me for 3 weeks. At first it was great. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I went out with my girlfriends, was able to concentrate at work, just relaxed at home. But something happened for me in the 3rd week. I started thinking about him, and our relationship. Without all the negative stuff in my face all the time, I started thinking about the good stuff. The trips, the weekends spent together, going out for sushi, watching movies cuddled up on the couch, drinking a beer on his deck while he grilled dinner, and then eating under the stars, teaching my dog to catch a Frisbee, baby-sitting his nephew and doing rock- paper- scissors to see who had to change the diaper, and a million more great memories. I finally allowed myself to feel the sadness, and how much I would miss him, and what a great thing we had, till things got bad. There were a million times I wanted to call him, about good things that had happened, or for encouragement when I had a bad day. But I didn't contact him. I truly felt (and still do feel) that I tried for a long time, and made a big effort, and now it was up to him. He hadn't gotten his way when he was constantly calling and demanding things from me, so I waited to see if anything would happen. At the end of the third week of NC, he e-mailed me. I opened it up expecting another long e-mail about our relationship. But it was short. It was just a "hey, saw this story and thought you might like it"- it was an article about training labs (I have a black lab we both adore). I emailed back a quick, thanks, great article. Nothing more for a few days. Then he e-mailed me to tell me some good news about his sister (she is pregnant). I e-mailed back another quick note asking him to pass on my congratulations. We slowly started talking more, over e-mail and on the phone. 90% of it was jut general stuff, but occasionally he would let me know that he was thinking about us, and had lots of ideas about how things could be better. But he kept things focused on himself, things he could do better. Without the pressure of him demanding things for me, or blaming me, I felt OK about adding my own thoughts about our relationship, and adding things that I could have done differently too. With each conversation, when we would be talking and laughing, it felt like old times, and I would hang up with a smile on my face. He left on Saturday and will be out of town for 10 days – a camping/fishing trip with some college friends. Before he left, he wrote me a very nice email. It wasn't very long- he just let me know that he would be thinking of me, and that he has been giving our relationship a lot of thought, and has been reading a book about better communication, which he is bringing on the trip with him, even though he expects to get teased by his buddies. He asked if it was OK if he called me when he got back, and also suggested dinner at a restaurant I had mentioned months ago that I wanted to try. He also named a date (the Friday after he gets back) and said he had made reservations, just in case I did want to go. I was so happy to get something like this, acknowledgement that he is thinking about things and working on things, and also addressing something that always bugged me (he always wanted everything to be "last minute", while I do like to make plans). But he didn't tell me "Look at me! I'm changed!", he just did it, and I appreciate it. So we will be talking when he gets back, and going to dinner that week. For the first time in a long time I feel some optimism. Obviously I'm not going to jump back into things, but I do feel like we have a chance. I understand your questioning about why I thought it was his job to contact me, when I was the one who ended things and was the one who finally stopped answering his calls. One of the reasons that I ended things is that he had become very selfish in the relationship an always wanted things his way. Many times after we broke up I asked him not to call so much, and not to place so many demands on me. I kept telling him that I wanted some space- to not talk multiple times a day, or even every day, and to try and talk about other stuff, and to keep things lighter, while we both sorted things out. I felt like if/when he could respect my wishes, he would contact me. If he hadn't contacted me, I think that eventually I would have sent him a brief e-mail to see how he was doing, but I think it would have been weeks or months down the road. As for forgiving him for all the calls & e-mails right after we broke up, I understand why he did that, and I have am not angry about it. I do, however, recognize that it is part of a pattern with him- another example of how he wants things his way and has a hard time respecting my wishes if they are different than his own. So that is something that needs to change, if we are going to work things out. "after a month and a half of no contact I got over the reactive emotions of the breakup, and started to miss my ex in a genuine way." This just rang so strong for me! The days and even weeks following a relationship ending are NOT how things will end up! That first wave of emotions- both parties just need to ride them out. When I first ended things with my bf- I felt relief. He felt panic. His constant calling & e-mailing only made me feel more relieved when we finally went to NC. In the beginning, right after we broke up, the more days that ticked away, he felt more panicked, which led to more irrational behavior. It was only after we had those weeks of no contact that the initial "post-breakup" feelings subsided. My relief changed into sadness and missing him and regret that we were apart. His panic changed into a more calm and loving desire to put things right. Getting back together has been challenging, but also amazing. We have had our ups and downs since I wrote this original post, but we are back together, and I have to say, stronger than ever. We are both working at things. When I wrote that original post, I was very focused on what he had done wrong to make me end the relationship. The space he gave me, the patience he showed me, it just gave me room to think about things I could have done better too. He says backing off was the hardest thing he ever had to do. But believe me, it was what gave us the chance to get back together."

I'm the only guy who disagrees here with the former 3 posters who replied to the OP. While I do agree that you should sent nothing to her ON Valentine's day, which in reality, is still 3.5 weeks away. I really don't understand why everyone here has the attitude that if you were dumped and if they do NOT contact you, for you to do NOTHING, forget about them and move on. There are reasons why the DUMPER doesn't always call and for the most part, they NEVER do. Okay, you've been good for almost a month now (NC) and I applaud you on that, meaning you got through New Years without breaking NC (my ex and I broke up on January 10). Now, the real test is to NOT do what she MAY be expecting you to do (call her up on Valentine's day). It looks like you were waiting for a REASON to contact her. You shouldn't act like you need a reason. If you feel that a significant amount of time has passed and you are stronger, than it's okay to contact her, but you have to be VERY careful. Ask NOTHING from her. Don't ask if you can be her friend. Don't ask if you guys can get together. Don't ask anything. Just give and remain aloof and independent. Suggestions: 1. Send her an email with a link to something she may be interested in. For ex: an art exhibition coming to town, or a band she may be interested in. DON'T ask her to go with you. Just send it to her and include, "I came accross this and thought of you". THAT'S IT. 2. Send her an email, or call her IF there is something you know that is happening in her life that is important to her. Either wish her good luck, or let her know you were thinking about it and THAT'S it. Give without asking anything at all and then go away for a few more days (MAX 2 weeks). This will get her thinking and this is what you want.

It's okay Bethany. Guaranteed her friends told her the same thing. I just pray that my current actions are NOT reinforcing to her the reason why she had to leave me. I did not want to do anything post break-up to make her feel justified in having made the right decision. That is why I have been doing nothing but respecting her space. I'm sure at first she was relieved when I stopped contacting her completely a week ago, but that relief MAY shift, even though she has some MAJOR distractions with her new chat lines and friends she's reconnecting with/making. None of that should matter. All that matters are my actions and I'm hoping that my actions can show her more than any words could at this point.

Okay, what you could do is this: SHOW him (don't tell) that you can give him space. Even if he is trying to move on without you, he will see what you are doing and your respecting his space WILL make him FEEL that you are thinking about HIS needs, which can only pay off. Now, keep this up for as long as you can. The magical thing is the longer you DO keep it up, the stronger you will become and the more he will start remembering the good stuff and MAYBE he will start missing it. This doesn't mean that HE WILL call you, or contact you, because chances are, he WON'T, BUT, if his mind starts drifting towards the good times you shared (space will do that), then he will be that much more receptive to you when YOU contact him.