GoingForIt_77
-
Posts
325 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Articles
Videos
Blogs
Store
Everything posted by GoingForIt_77
-
Major, Lady, Breeze and others, All of your words this evening have meant a lot to me. They really have. You see, for the first time, I am trying to actually apply that whole principle of let your actions speak louder than your words ever could. I don't want a pat on the back, but I am proud of my actions since I pushed her away and she was forced to leave me, in order to save herself. What I also realize is that when she contacted me on Monday so that we could make the exchange, I believe that she wasn't expecting to get the reaction she got from me and that in itself may have set up some inner conflict for her to deal with. She was probably expecting an angry, upset, hurt, judgemental guy who wanted to impose HIS feelings onto her. She didn't get that. She got the opposite and I believe she got scared, because it confused her and perhaps may have even made her doubt herself and so, she backed off. I don't regret the way I handled it. In fact, I am astonished that I handled it so maturely and well. I am not saying her having reached out was a test, to gauge where I was at and how I would react to her short and business like emails, knowing fully well that the old Dan would have reacted based on his emotions and would have critized, etc, and so, if it was a test on her part (unconsciously driven), I passed it and that may have thrown her off. She is for all intent and purposes trying to make sense of things. If I would have handled it less respectfully, she would have had all the justification she would have needed to know that she made the right decision. So, as the last few posters have said, I am doing the right thing right now. No, I will not follow up on my Wednesday/Thursday emails to her. I will let her come reply to me on her own when and if she is ready to. I can't fully figure out if what I just outlined is really what is going on with her, but I do know that I am NOT making the situation worse by respecting her and giving her all that she deserved all along. I wonder how this will further transpire. I have never been down this road. I have always pushed and pushed AFTER the break-up and ALWAYS made them never regret their decision in having left me. This is new to me. VERY new.
-
Syrix, She most definitely was not interested in what I had to offer at the end. I don't blame her. She saw the SWEET and LOVING and SUPPORTIVE Dan and then she saw that other side of me. Since she has left me, I have not shown that other side of me to her AT ALL and yes, I am going for help during the week. I come on here to bounce ideas off of people. Sometimes I will decide to do what someone suggests, if it feels right for me, but at the end of the day, I am my own person, who is learning to hold back and not act based on my emotions. This is my sounding board, but in the real world, I am playing it cool with my ex and am doing all the right things imo. And so, I wait and do nothing in the interim, with exception to getting stronger and be proud of my recent actions.
-
I'm That Girl, it's too bad you think the worst of me. To answer you questions. "You are trying to reflect patience, etc for one reason. With the hopes of getting her back." Answer: No. I am reflecting patience because I am respecting her wishes. It's as simple as that. If as a result of having done so, she opens up a bit to me, then so the better, but that is not my ultimate goal here. "Are you going to accept it calmly and with patience, etc. if she picks her stuff up and leaves?" Answer: Absolutely. I will continue to respect her as I've done since she left me. "Or if she tells you "thanks for my stuff - have a good life?" Answer: WOW, that's harsh. She won't be saying that. She just won't. If she does, well, I will smile and thank her as well. You see, I may never be back with her in any capacity, but people's feelings do change in time. I won't be holding onto it forever, but I may in the future look her up and see where she's at. That time is not now though. "Or are you going to respond with: "I've shown you I can be a better person and this is what I get?" Answer: Absolutely not. I am NOT respecting her so that I can get a reaction out of her. I am doing it because it is what she is asking for and that's enough of a reason.
-
Syrix, I know she wants her stuff back and I am trying to be accomodating. I am NOT sending stuff that weigh about 30 pounds in the mail. I am not spending at least a couple hundred of dollars at this point in time. There's also the matter of her having my stuff as well. It is not easy on me either at this stage. Once she realizes that I am NOT reacting to her in the way that I used to and feels more comfortable with me, then she will not fear meeting me. Perhaps maybe it is not a bad idea if some time passes before we actually meet up to make the exchange. Maybe space and time will allow her fear to dissipate and see me in a more positive light. I will continue to put absolutely NO pressure on her. NO demands. I will accommodate her needs as much as I can, as long as they don't interfere with my own progress with myself in the process. I believe that I WILL wait to hear back from her on this, even though my instincts are telling me to wait until Sunday or Monday night to contact her and gently ask her what she'd like to do, without making her feel bad for not getting back to me. I'm not sure about that though.
-
SADK, you make a lot of sense man. Thing is, I am trying to give her everything she needs. 1. Understanding her feelings. 2. Dealing with it. 3. Letting her to do what she needs to do for herself. 4. Respecting her decision and her space. 5. Trying to be as accomodating her as possible with her requests. This last point is where I am in conflict now and it is not so much one of power or not, but more so the fact that I truly was not able to do it this weekend and that should not and more so, she has NO right to hold that against me. Entering into NC for awhile, or forever is what we may both need to heal a little bit and so that I can get strong in myself and so that she can either meet someone new, or decide that she can let go of what I did to her with time. As long as this is now being prolonged and it is not I who is prolonging it, the longer we have to wait for NC to occur and so, I am starting to feel that I must break NC and call her tomorrow or Monday and find out what is happening and what she'd like to do concerning this exchange and gauge from there as to where we should go. As for me wanting to move on was not what I said and I've never said that. I am on THIS forum for a reason. I love her and would love to still have her in my life, but I am realizing that that is not possible at this point in time, as long as she is harboring and holding onto this hurt and fear. I can't make that go away over night and surely not now and so I'm doing what's safest and what is right, which is giving her what she asks for and needs.
-
I am not angry chocolady. I am frustrated with how SHE is dragging this out, when all she wanted was her space and that's what I was giving her. She asked if we can make the exchange on the weekend, or on a Friday night. She expected me to be home on Friday night at 10:00pm and seeing I wasn't, I then get ignored?? How is that fair? It's NOT and I am now getting punished for stuff I did to her, when all I've been doing since she left me is showing her remorse, respect and kindness.
-
Sarah Rose, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE stop writing on here. You do nothing but put me down. I am not trying to control anything. I am legitimely busy this weekend and will not be around. Her BEST gf wants to be my friend. Doesn't that tell you that I'm not that bad of a guy. I am being respectful to her and am NOT imposing myself on her, as you are on ME. I am being patient and as accomodating as possible. The 4 or 5 women that keep coming back on my thread and let out their own frustrations from their own failed relationships need to realize that I am NOT your ex and I am NOT your punching bags. I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED support and kindness from people on here and not to be put down, SO PLEASE, stop posting on here if all you have to do is put me down to make yourselves feel better, because you can't say those things to your own ex's.
-
Thank you for supporting me Ang. Nice to know that there is at least one sympathetic person out there. I really appreciate the kind words Ang I'm that Girl, this won't be ALL about "when I am getting MY stuff". I have been respectful to her and kind and have made NO demands on her. I have put NO pressure on her. No one here can see that.
-
I never said that I would "threaten" to throw anything out. I merely said that I would ask her what we are doing in regards to the exchange and if she can please let me know. I then went onto say that if she does not, or cannot offer me that common courteousy of replying to something that concerns both of us (she has my stuff as well) and chooses to blow it off and me in the process, then I will have to reconsider wanting to keep her stuff at my place. She asked me for space 12 days ago. I was going strong for 7 days until she emailed me about her stuff and nothing more. Yes, I waited a day and a half (not 3 days and counting), because I was taken aback and wasn't sure how to take it. When I did reply, it was kind, respectful and I apologized for not having gotten back to her sooner than I did. She replied IMMEDIATELY (which throws me off even more now) and then I replied to her, suggesting another date and asked her to please get back to me and let me know if it's okay with her. Seeing SHE was the one who wanted HER stuff back so quickly and it was so important that she chose to contact me for it, to NOW keeping me waiting for days on end is NOT right and not fair and I am entitled to feel the way that I am. I am NOT reacting on it. I am merely venting on here with a bunch of judgemental people.
-
Now you're telling me to find someone else who "does" want to be with me. I'd respectfully appreciate if you no longer IMPOSE your advice on me anymore. Thank you.
-
We can't "civilly" make plans? EXCUSE ME?? I've been MORE than civil with her. Don't forget to include KIND and as accomodating as possible. I am NOT the one ignoring her email. I am NOT stalking her for crying out loud! I have been respecting her since day one. I am NOT looking for an excuse to go to her work. I was merely considering it, because it's the easiest way to get her back her stuff without a "haggle". PLEASE stop telling me to get on with my life. That to ME is CONTROLLING. I love how people on here think they have the right to tell you WHAT to do with your life and then tell you that it is painfully obvious that she's NEVER coming back, as if you know her. As if you were HER. I had an ex who I broke up with 2 years ago who replied to one of my friendly emails last weekend and has been open to me since then, where as 2 years ago she NEVER wanted to be. She is happy today and I am happy for her. Everything with people is so FINAL. Feelings CHANGE. Nothing in life is as PERMANENT as you put it. You know, after having read all of your comments, I feel that I will contact her concerning our stuff this Sunday night. I will ask her straight up, what we are doing? If she has not answer, then she is telling me that she no longer wants her stuff and so I dispose of them. Simple as that.
-
Hey Chocolady, while I know that you will continue to berate me, I still think it's worth attempting to have you "consider" that MAYBE just MAYBE I've been throwing my ex for a loop since she left me, seeing that ALL I've been doing is respecting her and being kind, apologetic, remorseful and understanding and furthermore, me having had plans this weekend has NOTHING to do with controlling HER. It's the truth. Can you accept that, because maybe she can't and maybe that's what her actions are telling me.
-
Chocolady, first off, don't wonder too hard, okay? Thanks. Second, what if she walks out of my life forever? WOW are you SO FINAL. How will I know how I will feel FOREVER??? I am taking it day by day. I am wondering if that is okay with you? Some people on here love to tear me apart. You should finish off you emails to me from now on by adding: "GIRL POWER", because that's stamped all over your emails to me. IF you would have read her LAST email to me, which was written on Wednesday, she wrote that she would prefer to do it this Friday (yesterday), but if not she COMPLETELY understands and we'll make other arrangements. THAT is what is throwing me off, because she was open to althernate plans. I did NOT tell her it HAS to be on Tuesday. I asked her in my reply if Tuesday was okay with her. 3 days later I am still waiting to find out if it is.
-
Why not do it on her days? Well for starters, Friday night at 10:00pm I had plans and wasn't going to be home for her to drop off my stuff and pick up hers (I live in an appartment building) and nor am I going to be here Saturday afternoon and besides, I would much rather prefer we meet in a neutral and public place, rather than coming up here to my appartment. That would be WAY too hard to have her here. My entire appartment reminds me of her as it stands and to have her come here just to pick up her stuff and walk out, after all the memories we shared here would be too hard (at least for me). As for mailing it to her? NO. There is TOO much and I'm not going to do that, nor am I on talking terms with her Dad?? I AM being real with myself I'm That Girl. As for dropping it off at her work? Why not? It shows that I care more about following up on something that was important to her. It's not to go and talk to her. It's too drop it off and show her that I took her and TAKE her seriously. I didn't say I was going to do that for sure. Besides, me having passed by her work 2 weeks ago is FAR different than if I were to drop off her stuff next week. It's a sweet gesture and shows that I'm more mature, than ignoring a subject that SHE had initiated. Anyhow, it's now 3 days and NO, she never followed up on her request, nor did she even have the decency to say that she can't, or didn't want to do the exchange on Tuesday night, or even suggest an alternate day/night. I said I was busy this weekend (not everyone).
-
There is a difference here. She is the one that initiated contact so that SHE could get HER things back. She replied to my reply to her immediately on Wednesday (within the hour) and when I replied to her reply, suggesting an alternate date for next week, asking her to confirm, she never did and that's 3days ago now.
-
Bubbles, I just read something you wrote me a few days ago, about how hard it is for the dumpee to let it sink in that there really is no chance. You see, I don't share that philosophy. I am realistic now that the odds ARE stacked against me and her recent behavior is not something that is quite endearing, even after all I did to her. I DO however agree with your latest post to me from yesterday, as to the fact that IF she wants her stuff back and has the decency to consider that she also has my stuff as well, that she will return my email reply. The reply that was response to HER request, which SHE broke NC to make, YET, is NOW ignoring me after I have put out a solid date for us to meet so that we can make the exchange. She must have someone influencing her in her life. Perhaps more than one person, but seeing I'm no longer there, she can't be alone for long. This is starting to get selfish and disrespectful both on a basic common courteousy level and as well on an emotional level, seeing SHE sent ME an email for a SPECIFIC reason, after having requested space a week earlier, YET, she's not even following up on her request. It's officially now 3 days since I replied, asking her NICELY and RESPECTFULLY if she can let me know if Tuesday is okay with her. She's not even acting like my TIME means anything. I don't want to react and prove to her that SHE can get the best of me and justify to herself that she was right in having left me, which so far, I have NOT reinforced, however, I also don't want to be played for a fool here either. Quite the conflict.
-
Ellie, I am actually looking at this through a much more mature and logical eye than I did 2+ weeks ago. I am actually working on myself, at bettering myself. I realized that many of my actions when with her were wrong and I am working at correcting them. She is not creating an inbalance in my peaceful state, or what I am trying to achieve with myself. I realize that NO one can take that away from you. I am not leaving it with a friend. We have no mutual friends. I will reiterate this: I am DAMN proud of my actions since she broke up with me. Let her be proud with how she has been moving on and meeting new people and having fun. That is GREAT for her and I am happy that she is doing well, as I stated in my reply to her. She didn't wish me the same back in return and that is also fine. I do KNOW that my actions and behavior are a WHOLE lot more mature then her own right now. I am doing (ACTIONS) and being (ACTIONS), what she didn't think I was capable of and HENCE her having had to leave me. I do believe that my reactions to her THREW her off BIG TIME and that to me is the only explanation as to why I have gotten NO response. She may not want to believe that it was the real thing and so she may be testing me even more to see if I will REACT to her LACK of response to HER initial request. I will NOT. Nothing about this post-breakup is dramatic. I see the error of my ways. I am not proud of what I did when with her, but I am proud of how I am handling it since and how I am COMPLETELY respecting her to a point that she NEVER believed I would or could. This is actually more interesting than it is stressful. Something has to give and it won't be me.
-
No way am I mailing anything to her. Too many stuff and it will just cost more than I want to spend on her right now. I'm not that happy with how she has played things out as of late. She wants her stuff, then let her be mature and confirm a date with me, seeing I'm ONLY being pleasant, accomodating and respectful in my replies. That's the bare minimum she can do concerning this situation. I am not creating drama. She is by not replying to her OWN request.
-
The only way I will respond again, is if she follows up on my email repky to her, confirming to me that Tuesday is okay and if not, coming up with another date. She has no other reason, or as it currently stands, is not looking for another reason to contact me and SO, I make not act that happy to hear from her, seeing it's taken her so long to reply to a request SHE made, but I will be civil at this point and nothing more. I have been respecting her to the TEE. As for what I have of hers. Some personal stuff and other stuff she may not want to part ways with. She'll have to make that decision for herself. She seemed to want it on Monday, hence her email. She seemed to want it on Wednesday, hence her reply (only reply), but since then, she seems to be flip flopping again. Could be she is being guided (persuaded by others to leave it alone). It all comes down to her. As it stands, I've done all I can do at the moment to be accomodating. If a few weeks pass by and I don't hear from her, I will ask her what she wants me to do with her stuff. As it stands, she has not made any effort at all. Her only efforts have been made in moving on and erasing me from her life in the process. She broke NC because clearly her stuff were important enough for her to have done so, but why then ignore a CLEAR and DEFINED DATE whereby we can make the exchange. It just doesn't add up. She seems confused and is going back and forth. It's perhaps that I'm doing everything that she didn't expect me to do and that in itself is throwing her off.
-
Guys, I am left scratching my head. I don't know why? I don't understand. When I asked her where she was at 5 days after the breakup and what she needed, she said a little bit of space. 7 days pass whereby I did nothing and wasn't going to and she initiates contact via email this Monday night, asking if she could pass by on Saturday afternoon to drop off my stuff and pick up hers. I replied Wednesday morning, letting her know that I was tied up this weekend. She replied within the hour, asking me about Friday night and if not, she would completely understand and we would make arrangements for another day/night and SO, I replied right away, suggesting next Tuesday night after work, saying that we can meet somewhere to do it. I wait. I wait. I wait. Nothing. 24 hours later, I re-send her the same email, giving her the benefit of the doubt and asking her at this point if she can let me know by email if Tuesday is okay with her and if so, I'll get in touch with her before that date to set a time and place. I wait. I wait. I wait. 56 hours later since my first response to her last one, I've received NO confirmation from her. No indication as to whether or not Tuesday is good and SHE is the one who wanted her things back and who made a point to email me about it on Monday. It is now Friday night and I am left scratching my head. If I do NOT hear from her by Sunday night, I go in to her work next week, one night after I finish my shift. I go in with HER stuff and drop it off. I then wait. If she doesn't contact me to thank me, or to even talk to me about my stuff, I wait it out a few more weeks and ask her if I can get MY stuff. That's what I will do.
-
You know, as much as I want to do that, I won't. I am not creating any drama. Sure, I am venting on here, but in the real world, I am sucking up the pain and being strong and am putting my faith in her that she will see that I am doing the right thing and am not losing my cool and am not reacting. I am trying to demonstrate patience, continued kindness and remorse. I am letting her lead this. She wrote me on Wednesday morning that she would like to do it on Friday night, but would completely understand if I couldn't. Guess what, I couldn't and I suggested an althernative plan, which would actually avoid her from having to come to my place, where all our memories are. You know, the shear absense of a reply (36 hours now) is so bizarre. I have NO idea why she is not replying. I mean, this time around, I am being pleasant and am not pointing out fault to her in her emails to me. I am being pleasant and kind in my responses. She has nothing to hold against my actions since she left me. I am respecting her still and will continue to. I am leaving it in her ball court. She wants her stuff. I put out a date. I asked her to reply. She hasn't. Could be she is keeping me wait to get a reaction from me. That reaction will not come. Goodnight, Dan
-
Thank you for pouring salt in my wounds. If I'm angry Jenny, then you're bitter. I can do without your critizing, so bowing out of my thread would do me well. I need support and not someone putting me down. Good luck to you too. Dan
-
I am not entitled to be upset Jenny? Last time I checked I was human. I am on here to vent and not here to have every single word I type be dissected. Can't you not look at what I am typing as whole?? My God, my actions are that of a remorseful guy who has been taking action and is respecting his ex and am being as accomodating as possible. Please, I urge you to find something in what I wrote to dissect and prove to me how I am not normal. Please Jenny, show me how wrong I still am.
-
I don't want to be right. I'm just trying to do the right thing, but her now delaying it isn't making it easier on either of us. Part of me now is believing that she really WAS expecting me to react differently towards her. I don't think she believed that I could be this respectful and pleasant. I am not doing it to prove anything to her, or anyone. I DO realize what I did wrong and since she left me, I REFUSED to continue to do it. Hard pill to swallow, but it looks like we're both swallowing pills now. Me beating myself up for having not treated her as well as I should have and her maybe realizing that I really am a nice guy who sees the error of his ways. For all intents and purposes, my actions since the breakup are showing her that I am moving on with my life and this is NOT want she expected me to do. She expected me to flip probably and fall apart and go crawling back to her and get upset at her for having left me and not asking me how I am or anything. I know what I did wrong and I will never put that blame on her, but I will not continue to do what I did in the relationship, to help justify to her that she was right in having left me. I'm sorry, but I'm doing the right thing now and she knows it and sees it.
-
I am not trying to control anything. I don't like this as much as she doesn't. She wants to set a date, well, lets set it. Why now is she stalling this if she wants to move on? Ebsmith, all you're trying to do is control me into believing that I am wrong in what I'm doing, when I'm doing nothing of the sort, but am respecting her. Hey, I'm not a piece of @$#$. Sorry to disappoint you.