spinstermanquee

Good quote I read somewhere: When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did. Your boyfriend cannot control your friends or ex so he is throwing shade on them and complaining about minutiae. That stuff is outside the realm of your relationship, and a healthy person would just.not.care. They would look for ways to enjoy your time together, find common interests, build bridges to the friends they like and include you with their friends that you like. Not all the time, mind you, but when appropriate. My husband does not care for a few of my siblings who have... ah different views. But he doesn't try to prevent me from seeing them just because he doesn't like them. He also doesn't like ALL my friends. But again, he doesn't try to prevent me from seeing them or tell me about his "feelings" so I can take "action" and "remedy" the situation. I've posted several times here about the early stages of our relationship so if you want to read how we handled the "past talk" click on my profile and go back a few posts. All the best to you my dear! Edited to add - if you were really a h** because of your friends, then why didn't he just dump you? Taking the h**'s posse away doesn't change the h** it just robs them of like-minded company (said with a big dose of humor). Then he'd be left with a friendless, sad h**

"I feel like your friends are hoes" "I am mad your ex bf has photos on his social media" "I'm upset with the number of past partners you've had [even though it's the same as mine]." Those don't sound like "feelings" to me but rather pronouncements or judgements about you and your choices. Thing is, this is the beginning of a never ending litany of your sins and shortcomings. Be prepared for as long as you are with him, there is always going to be something YOU are doing WRONG. Ice queen, this is not how you support someone and help them live their best life. If he were truly supportive he wouldn't give a crap about what your ex bf social media, because he's with you not the ex. Your number would mean nothing to him, that's the past baby and you can't change it... as for your friends, well they were around before him and they'll be around after him (if they are true friends, not much info there). Good luck Ice queen.

Heya LM 🙂 Some add/move/changes w/edit indication brackets from your OP: boyfriend is jealous [of any male] [even one I’ve know since birth]. I’ve dealt with [this abuse] 10 years. He refuses to tell [specific, resolvable, reasonable] problem [or propose any solutions/compromises]. My boyfriend's [gaslighting] head [refuses to accept anything that isn't LyraMichelle's fault]. Girl... don't know where to begin with this one, I'm just a junior contributor and there are a ton of other great advisors. I just wanted to pipe in b/c I had a long-ago bf that did something similar to me, he actually used surveillance equipment, cell phone tracking, vehicle stuff... I can't even go there it was so gross. I was innocent and just couldn't understand what was up. There was a fissure and I managed o escape, but not unscathed. You deserve a guy who is worthy of your loving, kind, considerate, and loyal person. As long as you are that person in return, no problems! It's amazing when you extend your trust and love to another they would never do anything in return to damage that (the Jack Nicholson quote "You make me want to be a better man" is kind of textbook of those mechanics). Please I urge you to lose this loser and take care of the wonderful YOU that you are. Healing is paramount. (((((((hugs)))))))

"Monkey branchers" are people who won't let go of an ex before they have a new bf/gf to "grab" onto. Same with any relationship, they won't let the old one go until they have a new one firmly in place. Ryan, good luck. You will need it as this person seems like they are playing with you.

This rings false to me, George. If someone is in a genuinely happy / healthy relationship 2 likes wouldn't kill 4 years of happiness. Also her wording is suspect "I hate that YOU made ME break up with you." If it were the real reason and she really still loved you she wouldn't rub it in like that. I would not be surprised if she was planning her exit prior to her "digging for evidence" mission. Any case, sorry you're going through this and wish you healing and health. Edited to add: I read MissCanuck's response after I posted this. Didn't mean to be a parrot!

Well you still get credit/props for laying the groundwork early for inclusion and acceptance 🙂 I had a similar discussion w/my daughter in her adolescence! ❤️

You already had the talk, so i'm guessing she is comfortable and might not need to talk about it - she filled out the form and knows you saw it... <3<3<3

When I see a guy hanging with a female friend I certainly feel more comfortable - it speaks to their ability to establish/maintain/enjoy a platonic relationship with the opposite sex. bolt's idea is nice! if she has a boyfriend she'll let you know (or your wingperson will find out, haha). In my single days I accompanied guy friends several times and noticed it was easier for them to meet ladies when we were hanging together.

Hi Mick, I agree with the posters that think she was brave to tell you. When the time came to discuss history with my then-boyfriend (we were further along than you two in dating) I told him I had a checkered past but no details - "Someday we might be in a restaurant and I get up to go the bathroom and some guy will come over and tell you a story about PG (Partier Girl, copied from one of Batya's stories LOL). I'd rather you hear it from me." I told him he could ask me anything he wanted to know, and I would answer any and all questions honestly. Gave him a thirty-minute window. His response, my paraphrase: "Everything you have experienced, everyone that you have loved, made you into the person you are today, who is the person I love. I have no questions." If I *were* the same person of old, doing the same old things, I could not, would not have invited his scrutiny. I could reveal anything because it was firmly in the rear view mirror, had no more power to hurt me - but it did have the potential to hurt him so I had to ask. Funny how love can make you brave... his response melted my heart. Mick, it was an honest and vulnerable act, and if you ask me that is the ultimate respect you can pay a potential partner. Here is the good, the bad, the ugly, and my life is an open book. Good luck Mick and hope it all works out for you both 🙂

She is not into you like you deserve... sorry you are experiencing the cruelty of this person.

Hey George, It's hard to say with the minimal amount of information provided, but in general if she ejects your overnight stuff from her place it means the romance has ended for her. If, as Kwothe suggests, you plan to apologize I would give some time for her to cool down and you think very carefully how you want to proceed. Obvs, if she spotted your "likes" amongst thousands of posts, she is reviewing/surveilling your social media (shoot she found those needles in that haystack, lots o work). Is that something you are comfortable with? Would you be willing to be in her social media cross-hairs for the entire relationship? I'm long time married and have only perused my husband's computer or phone at his behest to help him find stuff. I can't imagine dumping him just because he looked at and liked a picture of a stranger. But we're not you two and I don't know much except it sounds like she might have low self esteem and was very threatened by the two likes. How can a photo on the internet be in any way better than an in person loving relationship? In any case, my final suggestion to you would be don't grovel if you do apologize. Do a lot of active listening. And if you really want to be with her, you should not be clicking likes again. And if you didn't include the part where you perhaps look at *pron* then, I would say, unless she has fun with it too then don't bother her again.

Hey imnotokay, He seems like he does not value your needs/wishes/desires/affection for him. Also maybe a little controlling? And that period comment is kind of misogynistic? Sounds like he isn't end game for you... sorry you are in this situation ((((( hugs )))))

So instead of taking you to buy baby stuff, he took your money and gambled it away (and then so sorry, can't buy you baby stuff with your money cause I lost the money, but doesn't that make me a good guy that I "said" I was "going to buy baby stuff with you as a surprise")? Gosh sweetlady, this guy sounds a little twisted. I thought he was taking your money to go to church...? Sorry you're going through this, sweetlady. You and the baby deserve better.

Man, you got my number. The answer is, because I'm in town. However, I think this was resolved organically, my Dad suggested I go make an appearance and give him some more alone time with her. Thank you all for your input! Big hugs and a happy holidays all around.

My dad and his longtime wife used to have Christmastime gatherings and I would usually fly across the country to attend. Over time I went less and less for various reasons (not angry ones) and so got into the habit of not attending (last time around 2005). I even stopped celebrating the holidays altogether. Over time, the hosting of the party passed to my brother who lives in the same burg as they do. Many months ago I declined my brother's 2022 invitation. I had no knowledge of the party after that. My dad's wife transitioned to palliative care and I deeply care for her. I just arrived to their burg and have limited time to spend with her. If she is still breathing in the morning when I go back, I want to stay with Dad and her as much as I can before I fly home the next day. Going to a gift exchanging Christmas party was the last thing on my mind when I came, and now it's just... AWKWARD. For everyone. I don't know how to express this to my brother in a fashion that doesn't make me either a) look like a complete jerk or b) make it seem like I'm martyring myself (because I'm not) or c) like I'm pointing any fingers at anyone. I hope they have a lovely party, I really do... I want to be with she and Dad (unless my Dad tells me otherwise). My brother said he would pick me up early to grab coffees and go over to the hospice. I said yes but we should take two cars (I have a rental). Please enotaloners, can you give me any suggestions?

Slto, sorry you have experienced that kind of treatment from your female parent. My own was super competitive, generally unsupportive and noncomplimentary (like if I had a new outfit or hairstyle, she couldn't say I looked good, she would use vaguely-putdownish words like "eclectic" and "interesting.") I was the first in my family to earn a college degree, she never once mentioned it or said she was proud of me like my father did. She was even jealous of my friends, especially when they were older and athletic or accomplished. In the beginning of my relationship, I knew her special brand of mean wouldn't impress my future husband, and luckily she lived in a different state so it was easier to not expose him. When we got married I did not invite her to the wedding in Europe, she only spoke English and she would have had a tantrum and made it all about her (something she was famous for, ruining joyous occasions if she didn't find herself receiving adequate attention). Alcohol fueled a good bit of that. The last straw was when 1) she tried to force me into prioritizing her over my young daughter, which I found to be a no-brainer and 2) she called my daughter a nasty name. I cut her out of my life. Some people are best loved from afar. By this time, my husband had seen her poor behavior and she had been ostracized by the rest of the family as well. Some great suggestions above, and I agree with not putting him into her vicinity until you're solid with the boundaries you are working on establishing with her. She sounds like - from your description of her actions - someone who is not above trying to make you look bad in front of your new honey. Not cool. You deserve a chance to get to know him without that kind of shade and pressure. Best of luck to you my dear.

Listen to the gut, the gut knows all! I hope you will lose this loser. It might be painful, but it won't be nearly as painful as rinse lather repeat for the next however many years. He won't change. Sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you Marjinga...

serial... we are a community not a business or the government or military. The majority of us are here to help and/or seek help. i lurked in ~2005, joined in 2007, and have been coming whenever i am in need of advice from a wide variety of people. i hang around to see if there is anything i can offer in return. not a quid pro quo, mind you, just an "it would be great if anything i threw out there could help someone." Please be civil to the community. Thank you for posting and all the best in your relationships. 🙂

This is such good advice 🙂 Do your thing. That old saying about "if you love something set it free, if it was meant to be it will come back to you" is also a take that you might want to explore. It can create value. Yes, what she wants is important. And what you want is just as important, if not more. Prior to my 26-year marriage, my then-not-husband went on a work trip for two months while we were not living together. I held down his fort, watched the pooch, watered the plants, paid the bills, etc. Yes I am ancient, it was when we had land lines and cell phones had a 12-lb battery pack (handset looked like a sawzall without the saw blade, approximately same size). Well anyways he managed to call me at least twice per week on that nascent technology and when it wasn't available he shoveled change into a phone booth in whatever country he was in. I felt loved and that he was 100% into me. Now imagine it were the other way around and he weren't so into me. OMG how would I ever have geolocated my future husband unless I were some deranged stalker? We had no email, snail mail, and word of mouth or grapevine. He was on a JOB so for me to complain would have been futile, he had no control over the paths of communication during his assignments. I decided to trust him because he showed me so much trust. I traveled most of my career and he never questioned me. Like that Jack Nicholson movie, when someone gives you that kind of love it makes you want to be a better person. Like so many of the pillars of this community say, and repeat, there is someone out there for you. A bird in the hand isn't worth two in the bush in many cases. If this does not serve you in a real, nourishing way, you could let it go without being the bad guy. And next time, when someone asks you for "space," or if you want to ask someone for "space," you'll recognize it for what it is: "I'm just not that into you, or you're just not that into me." Ok, bye 🙂 @Wiseman2 has an awesome picture of Space, can you please repost it, WM2?

In the bleachers rooting for you, OldSoul! No matter what that winds up looking like (stay, go, etc.), I hope it serves you both best. Please grant us all an update if/when you have a chance... hugs 🙂

I think Daphne Rose Kingma called this "the shoebox notion of love." Once acquired, it gets stored up high on the closet shelf never to be treasured again. That's why people start coasting, stop caring, and stop those lovely things that made them fall in love in the first place. Why DO we do that?

Oldsoul, You're not happy. Your wife isn't happy. She suspects you are looking around and it makes her further unhappy. Worse still, it's her buddy. Why can't you sit her down and tell her why you are unhappy, get it out in the open where at least it can be examined? You both have decisions to make. BTW the "she needs therapy" and other negative comments cast a bad light (sort of like... justification for cheating behavior). Please don't even include the other woman in your conversations. That is a total red herring and also the biggest indicator this needs a team approach. Give your wife the information she needs to make the right decision for her, IMO that is the best way to honor the time and love you have shared in the past - it's not nothing, right? Say, "We're not on the same page any more and it bothers me. We're not close anymore. I don't feel loved. Do you? Can we do something about this or is it over? Let's figure this out together." From experience I can humbly say, ... it's never one person's fault. Problems in partnerships always have multiple factors. I have had to eat my fair share of crow in my long term marriage (that started with lightning energy and magnetic attraction)! Good luck my dear. <3<3<3 Edited to add: Please finish what you're doing now before you start another project 😉

Sweet sweet Beery... drilling anyone *might* be considered abusive <<wink>> Please permit an oldster (50s) to share. Backstory - had super jealous needy invasive guy boyfriend who did spystore stuff and no activities or conversations were private, unbeknownst to me. His jealousy propelled him into many forbidden territories, including going to my apartment when I wasn't there (going through my stuff which I didn't find out until much later). That kinda ruined me for a bit and then I re-met a guy from a mutual friend and our original fire re-ignited. 10 years later we had learned each other's languages and then *we* both caught some intense fire 🙂 When the time came to discuss relationship and sexual past with my potential mate, I said (paraphrased, it's been a long time so please excuse my fuzzy recollection): "You have 30 minutes to ask me anything about my past. I will answer all questions honestly. After that, the door slams shut on the past for both of us." His answer to that question was (again, paraphrased )... "Everything you have experienced, everyone that you have loved, made you into the person you are today, who is the person I love. I have no questions." Gosh darn it, that sealed the deal. Beery, I hope you get your wishes ❤️

Just want to throw in my usual spiel that being an over-40 male not trailing kids or ex-wives can be very attractive! What a rare bird you are. You have lots of good advice above ^^^ And I'll throw out there (again) as an example my friends who both married (neither had kids) for the first time in their 50s. Please keep looking, the one is out there, don't settle and don't lose hope. Hugs to you!

The night I met my husband I had a mad chemical spark with him - the minute I laid eyes on him. There was nothing that could have stopped me from trying to get with him I was ON FIRE. If she was into you, you'd know it. Leave her be so you can find the one that catches fire for YOU. Lots of hugs, oldworld. She is out there, just be diligent and don't waste any more time when you get that lukewarm response.