spinstermanquee

Gosh, Written, that is a humdinger of an event. I can't predict what will happen but I do know this: if a man values you and wants to be with you he will show it and you will know it. If he's not so into you there will always be an obstacle he claims is keeping you apart: you're not pretty enough, you're not good enough, you don't earn enough or are not as ambitious as he is; your insurance won't cover his ____, your parents are _____ blah blah blah You are good enough, and everything enough, to the guy who loves you just as you are. I wish that for you <3<3<3

This is true love, Miss Blue <3<3<3

Blue, before we got married my husband went on a 2-month assignment - this was before everyone had cell phones and pay phones were still a thing. While he was gone I held down the fort, stayed at his place, took care of his doggie, watered the plants, etc. I kept up with my job, friends, and hobbies, taking care of my own place as well so I was quite busy. While a tiny little insecure part of me flashed images of beach bunnies and sexy island women, the I-know-my-man part was sure he was going to come home to ME. During the time he was gone, he made every effort to call me, shoveling gosh-knows-how-much change into pay phones to call land lines and my work. He made such an effort to keep in touch despite the old tech in place at the time. We used to have (gasp!) answering machines so if he missed me he just left a message. Please don't let this worry you - while you are away from your honey, know that he is away from friends, family, and his LOVE (you) so he will probably be reaching out as much as he is able. Initially I imagine it's paramount for him to get up to speed with local work culture so he can perform to expectations, but once the intro/orientation period is over he will most likely establish a routine with you that addresses the time zone changes and both your work schedules. Please don't think of it as a detriment to your relationship. This *could* be a wonderful experience for you both, and I hope you both benefit from it.

Thinking about you and your hubby, Seraphim, and sending lots of positive energy and hugs your way...

That was the carrot. I *might* or *might not* want a relationship with YOU but only if you allow me to do mean and possibly bad-for-you things. Larissa, so glad you escaped this one... ❤️

nublu, sorry you're going through this. IMHO, sex is in the "top three must agrees" - kids, money, and sex. I do agree that sex became less important for me over the years (it wasn't at the forefront of my mind like when my husband and I were first together), but intimacy became even more important - because that's what slips over time and kills off the sex life (we had a very good sex life for the first 15 years or so). The daily grind wears on it - the bureaucracy of life, work, chores, child-raising, all the stuff that comes to the front burner while your couples' life gets pushed to the back. Resentments, disappointments, life events can also build walls against intimacy. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce in 2021 and had a dead bedroom since before the pandemic. Moved into another house, got myself into therapy (initially 3x per week) and started exploring how I/we got there. Turns out most of it was ME and my baggage. I owned up to my part of the situation. This opened up a different avenue of conversation over time. As we continued to do side projects together and kept talking, we started to grow closer in a new way. He even let me introduce him to the 5 love languages - my #1 is words of affirmation and his is - surprise - physical touch. The bedroom has been resuscitated, and with some new fun activities too! I am so grateful that I did not throw away my 25+ year marriage, and it was worth every penny of the crapton of money I spend/spent on therapy. Is there ANY chance you could turn this around? Maybe get someone to watch the kids, take her on dates, do something with her just because she likes it, surprise her with flowers? Go for a walk, hold her hand, talk about little things? Give her a foot massage while you look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her? I think you have grown apart and when you want to visit the bedroom, she looks at it as just sex (eye roll) and therefore not very desirable. The missing ingredients could be feeling close to you like she did in the beginning, feeling understood and appreciated, adored and loved... Only you two know how it really is in your relationship, and only you two can decide if it's worth the effort. But neither one of you should have to live with feeling unloved by their spouse. I wish you both the best outcome... ((((hugs))))

Jess, (started writing this over an hour ago, before your last posts) I just wanted to send some extra encouragement your way. I love how you took the time and care to listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet, and took ALL the feedback into account. I applaud you for the !aha! moment you had when you realized you felt insecure measuring yourself against your colleague. Last thing I would offer up, when I started to date my husband in earnest I remember doing "fake it til you make it" because I had insecurities and in didn't feel confident or capable of sustaining a long term relationship. I had to remind myself to keep the lid on my insecurities and work on them on the side. I did not want him to have a front row seat to the parts of myself that needed therapy 😉 Some people insist on 100% transparency and lots of talking, but for me I wanted to keep that part of myself to myself until I felt what I knew deep down I was capable of. Also because of his culture/heritage and his very masculine nature, he would not have "gotten" a lot of what I needed to work on and it might have even driven him away. He was attracted to the confident, kicka-s part of me that moved mountains and got things done. No reason to burden him with my past issues. Having said that, I commend you for taking this journey, whether you end up with him or not, because you cannot go wrong with reaching for a better inside self... as many folks here say, head high. ❤️

This is plain rude, whether you do it to a girlfriend or boyfriend, even when romance is not involved. Her word is worth nothing and she does not value you. You deserve better. All the best to you csmith!

paging @tattoobunnie for some input 😉

Andrina has a point - because everything he SAID was (paraphrase) how 'he would be by your side no matter what, he would stand with you against his parents, they are not enough to keep him from you' - so why wait? Why not now if his words are true? Why still hiding? Something not adding up here. And if they do know about you, perhaps they are turning a blind eye. Greystripes, have you ever wished he would shout out his love for you from the mountaintop? My first husband and I eloped. I met his parents afterward. They constantly chastised him with tidbits such as "Your father almost had a heart attack," "Her relatives probably killed ours in the Holocaust," etc. They made mean comments about my appearance, my cooking, my level of education, on and on (if I had met them before I probably wouldn't have married him, they were that unpleasant). I knew it was over pretty soon afterward, but I beat that dead horse for a few more years before I gave up and divorced him. I took everything I learned into my next marriage. When I knew I was serious about my second husband, I asked to go to his country and meet his parents (given my previous experience). I found my future in-laws to be lovely people and we connected on a lot of levels. As Batya said ^^^, you marry the family not just the husband. Not to say hubs and I haven't had our ups and downs, we come from different countries/cultures (his was not an arranged marriage one though) and different planets (Mars and Venus, haha). But he was proud to present me to his parents and I think that would make all the difference to you, Greystripes... and his parents have never once caused an ounce of trouble in our relationship in 25+ years. Hugs to you my dear and hope it works out to YOUR best and most loving scenario ❤️

Hmmm... that brings to mind - who/what is he protecting here? His parents? You? Himself? What does he gain by keeping you hidden from his parents? Also, if siblings know, the parents may already.

This must hurt a lot, Greystripes. I wonder... if you cannot be presented/accepted as a girlfriend before marriage, would it even be possible that you can be presented/accepted as a wife at the altar? You used the word "traditional," which brings to mind arranged marriages in some cultures. Is it possible they already have someone lined up for him and if he presented you the proverbial sh-t would hit the fan?

You might start by doing some reflection on *how* you got with (and settled for) the wrong woman/women. Did they have anything in common (besides you)? Was there a "type" involved? Newly single? Workaholic? Project in progress? Past deep traumas? Start there and then if you think you spot any patterns, maybe talk it over with a coach or professional to get a grip on *why* you get attracted to the wrong *who.* Then, *when* you are ready go *where* you can find those folks who are most likely check off your list of must-haves. Your age is not an impediment, rather I think it's an advantage at this point. You are likely motivated (hence being here in the community) to get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later. One of my favorite stories is about friends, both single and never married, who met and coupled up in their 50s. Now I didn't exactly give you what you asked for but I hope I added another perspective. Warm hugs to you and best wishes to find a partner that fits like a glove made just for you.

welp, sorry you are going through this. this quote might help a little: When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did. ((((hugs)))) to you welp.

I like what many of the others said above, several shades/iterations of "lob the ball into her court with the understanding that if she changes her mind in the future, and *IF* you're still available, you will consider." In the meantime, make yourself scarce and do things YOU enjoy, including dating! This puts you out of her orbit and frees you up for other potentially more suitable matches. smss, this situation reminds me of that old saw "If you love something set it free. if it comes back to you, it's yours. if it doesn't, it never was." No matter what happens I'm in the bleachers rooting for you to find a good match, that meets your enthusiasm and pace for a love relationship... ❤️

You still deserve more... someone who enthusiastically accepts your date requests for example

Sounds like "slow your roll" to me... she may be breadcrumbing you to keep you on the back burner while she explores other options

Dover, I don't have a ton of dating experience like others here but it seems to me if he were really into you, you would know it (and the glacial pace suggests perhaps you are not a priority). After several months, I would think the conversation would include goals and intentions, at least lightly with an eye toward deeper talks as time goes on. But no coasting along, throwing text breadcrumbs - F2F is the only thing that counts. Texting is easy and easily hidden if there are others in the picture as well (not saying that's how it is, but beware). "Hanging out" without proper dates is also low effort, and cheap, haha. 😉 IMHO when a guy wants a GF, he'll want to take you on proper dates as often as possible, will carve out time and space for you, and be asking you about what you are looking for (casual or not). YMMV. Are you sure you want to gift this person your BF space without him even asking for it? After two dates and low communication for months? Best of luck my dear no matter what happens, I wish you success ❤️

My two cents, and this has happened in real life. In our 30s, husband called me from work and said "some of the guys are going to a gentlemen's club after work and they asked me to go with." (His colleagues were kind of hound dogs too.) I said, "As long as you come home to me, I'm cool with it." He went, he came home, I asked him how it was. "Kind of boring." Not gonna lie, while he was there I did have a few thoughts dance through my mind (pun intended) but I still trusted him implicitly. It never came up again and I'm willing to bet he declined them if they ever did ask again... It has nothing to do with being a "real man" or not. Because he is a real man.

Thank you MissCanuck for sharing. Jess, it seems like folks (those of us non-cheaters) suffer similarly when jealousy enters a relationship. I'm so glad you are exploring alternatives to your previous mindset.

i had a boyfriend who was shorter and skinnier than me, it never bothered me. he had some issues though when i wore heels, which i thought was kind of juvenile. at the time nicole kidman and tom cruise were married...

That was a frequent activity during my time with the maniacally jealous boyfriend. Interrogated about men at work, men at the gym, men at the grocery store, wait staff at the restaurants I frequented, ANY MALE in any environment was fodder for his imagination. My party girl past had been left in the past and it didn't justify the constant accusations and interrogations I had to endure, yes ENDURE during our relationship. I never once stepped outside the relationship or was inappropriate with anyone; the treatment was not based on my actions or any facts, it was solely in his head. Jess, that's not what you're up to (thank goodness!) and I'm glad you are reading and studying, looking for a way to alleviate these (possibly irrational) feelings. I wish you all the best... ((( big hugs)))

Jess, you absolutely did the right thing by bringing it up. He gave you your answer. Now it's up to you to stop with the jealousy. Maybe every time you get one of those obsessive thoughts you could repeat a mantra to yourself, like "He's with ME and no one else. He chooses ME, he loves ME." Whatever it takes to stop with the jealousy, no good can come from it and you WILL push him away. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to consult with a professional to find out where this is coming from, it's not healthy for YOU and it's repugnant to many people. My sad experience with it: I had a jealous maniac boyfriend who monitored my every move and even used electronic surveillance. I was not up to anything but it wore on me, stifled me and eventually I left him (it took so long because he was quite covert with the surveillance, as soon as I found out the extent of his monitoring I broke up with him). When I did I swore I would NEVER EVER put up with a jealous man again, that I would run in the opposite direction at the first signs. I was in a prison of his making 😞 The man I married a few years after had such trust for me, I traveled extensively for work for double digit years and could have had a boyfriend in every city (in my younger years but not now, haha) if I were that kind of person. When someone trusts you that deeply it actually makes you a better person. I prized that trust and would never violate it. This freedom gave me beautiful happy feelings and only increased my love... Good luck my dear, my hope for you is that you not suffer from those feelings or put him in a prison built by jealousy. He doesn't deserve that and neither do you.

Have you maybe watched friends lose themselves in the honeymoon phase? It's a lot different being on the outside looking in...

You don't even go there, you follow your instincts. If you're in a committed relationship and love your person you will be impervious to others' influence. And if you're in a balanced and healthy one your bf trusts you will only let HIS boots under your bed and is proud of his loyal partner 😉 I think what you are really asking, is how do i protect/shield myself from my bf's toxic jealousy and suspicion? How can i find out in advance if a guy friend has romantic designs on me so i can quickly kick him to the curb before my ever-vigilant and accusing bf blows a fuse? A good relationship begins with trust. He is leading with talk about you cheating and your friends are h**s. Kind of backwards (guilty until proven innocent). Didn't even give you a chance to be loyal before you were relegated to walking on eggshells or twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid his suspicions. Think about Batya's story. That whole discomfort - you could call it jealousy or concern, doesn't matter by what name, was RESPECTFULLY communicated to Batya. In the very best way to describe what I think is a useless emotion, jealousy arises when you are afraid/concerned/worried to lose something you truly value. Does this man truly value you or are you just another h** out to get him and disappoint him?