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RSSR

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  1. Fair enough. But based on the last week or so, she isn't quite comfortable with friendship either, which can be both good and bad. She hasn't initiated anything. We cannot do what you and your husband did, i.e. completely grow apart, as we work together. She knows full well I have intentions and motives, I can't go back on the message I sent where I basically told her about my feelings full throttle. I also never agreed to friendship. I said I will take some time and I will see what to do. So, me staying around can't quite be seen as dishonest, from you or her. She is probably surprised I am back at work tomorrow, and that I seem to be in good mood. I am staying put, for better or worse. Now I have to kill off any fears she might have about how it will all work in the professional environment. I know as much as one can know that what I told her caused some havoc inside her, and the gift was, no matter how desperate the move seems, bullseye, and it made her think, as she admitted as soon as she arrived home that evening.
  2. She said both her previous bfs had to work really hard to get her. She said that not knowing I heard it. I believe I was well on the way of that work and did some distance. Now the latest chain of events puts it all in a different light and context. I don't value a woman based on how hard I have to work to get her. It's just that I like this one very much and will try hard, cause so far I can't say I tried hard. Really not sure where all the discouragement is coming from. Dozens and dozens of examples that I know of and the people I spoke to know of which began exactly like this - a girl declines, they either remain friends or go their separate ways and then reconnect. If there is something, it will find a way of resurrecting sooner or later.
  3. The more time passes, the more I am convinced she lied to me. It wasn't friendship. It can't have been. What it was is she is hurt, scared and her emotions are mixed and she deals with them childishly and in an extremely introverted way. She began developing feelings and trust towards me, but it was going too fast. Then she might have felt, especially during her two-week trip, that I was developing feelings and the wheels were moving in my head. I did my bewt not to let it show too much, but girls feel it miles away. So, when she saw me back at the office, something happened inside her, and she had to say stop. So basically I shouldn't have invited her to dinner, as I felt something wasn't right, I should have backed off for a couple of weeks maybe. I was going to the execution the moment I called her. Now I have no idea what's happening, she hasn't initiated contact since last Monday (gift night), despite saying she very much would. We talked yesterday via Teams (work-related), I asked if she managed to play the healing bowl I gifted her. She said she was unsuccessful as her hands shake for some reaskn and she'd been feeling weird for a few days. Of course, when I probed, she said it was the moon and stomach virus. Total bs. But OK. I told her that, irrespective of everything, she can speak to me about her 'weird mood', it's what we've been doing since day 1 anyway. Tomorrow I am going back to work. Let's see what the next weeks hold.
  4. I guess I wasn't playing it the way I normally would as we were work colleagues sitting 2 yards away from each other, and driving to and from work in the same car. No excuses though, as that bit Is this a date? crossed my mind last night literally as what I should have asked when at the dinner she said: This is an unusual relationship. It really hurts to think she may have left breadcrumbs here and there, openings, and I failed to see them. Still, a couple of things: even after that awkwardness, she invited herself to my place. And most importantly, if she was ready to date, that wouldn't be a problem (I think). About the gift, I instantly told her, quote, it's not being pathetic or I want you to remember me by this and other nonsense. I don't know what the next period holds, so I want you to have it, I don't want to throw it away or give it someone else, as it was meant for you. Finally, I was playing it slow, I think. My dinner no2 invite was the first move I made which she didn't initiate directly or indirectly. Everything else - all her. What perhaps bothers me the most, is whether I was wrong to tell her about my feelings after she declined the invitation. I thought, well, this passive approach did nothing, at least she knows I am serious about it, and am ready to give myself away completely, not some dude who came to a smaller town and wants someone to f around with until his relocation annex expires in April. I have talked to different people, probably about 15, + this forum... the votes are split in terms of whether I should behave normally, go to work, try to make it as smooth as possible, but never admitting to friendship, or disappear. Funnily enough, girls mostly tell me,no chance was it friendship, she either got scared or wasn't ready, too soon, blabla. And those are the girls who have always been harsh to me. Go back, joke around with her, and in time she might develop trust and feelings strong enough to give it a chance. My initial idea was to disappear, but what would that do? If I didn't earn her trust so far (I doubt anyone would the way she is), so how would that be helped by going AWOL? (The prerequisite for this logic is that she indeed likes me and the trust and the moment she is in are main issues). Batya is right. I might hear she started dating someone else. That will be painful. She would never tell me about her having a crush and all that, 100% sure of that, but ultimately it makes no difference. If her next boyfriend isn't me, then it's game over.
  5. This is exactly how I am thinking. It would seem like I accepted and gave up right away. It's not so much respecting her decision as it is a lack of determination and giving up easily. Now that I have woken up and spoken to a few people, I have to agree with you that my planned approach is wrong. I will host the sitdown, and then very rarely go to work the same days as she does, and see how she behaves. I remember hearing her say (she didn't know I could hear) at a business dinner both her exes had to be really persistent for a long time to get anywhere with her. Now you might ask why I would want to be with someone who takes pride in that - because I ultimately agree with you, if it's the right thing, it should go smoothly. Saying yes doesn't mean you fell of some moral high ground or that you are easy. I know it didn't seem that way most of the time, but I am really grateful that you are taking time to give advice and share your experiences. I just felt you took her words for granted, when for good two months of very regular contact I could clearly feel there was something more than friendship. And she said as much. I find it difficult to see the happy end here, but I have to try, I don't know any other way, it's just my character.
  6. Have you read my initial posta at all? She came to my home and she was alone, and it was her suggestion... nevermind...
  7. I know I am being stupid and risk getting really hurt. What I am trying to ask all along is, if she indeed saw me as more than friend and was so proactive about our activities and communication, and then changed her mind... she might change it again, and in that respect what is the best course of action? Disappear or hang around in limited circumstances and without the friendly vibe of constant texting, etc.?
  8. I guess the question is whether there is enough for me to hang onto while being patient. If the trust issues and time are the pain problems, I can suffer through them, as I care a lot about her. But if what she said was true, despite all the signs to the contrary, and she indeed only wants friendship... not much to hope for
  9. I agree 100%. But just disappearing shows I am weak and wasn't that serious about it after all. I feel there has to be a balance. OK, negative... your advice is positive in the sense we should free oursleves from all potential problems and struggle, and play the field. OK, that's easy. bBut all your views on the problematic situations say: don't pursue it. here and in other threads.
  10. We are going round in circles, and sure - as things stand, you are correct, and I am the fool. However, all the signals she was giving until a week ago were she was very much into me. Then she backed off. If you fail to see there is something there that's not quite simple, and if you take her excuse for granted - well, I simply can't agree. I acknowledge I am emotionally invested and subjective, but come on - she is a nice girl by all accounts, what's she doing coming to my home at her initiative and telling me it's more than friendship?
  11. Now imagine if you asked the question on this forum: should I try again after all the mess and heartache. How many positive answers would you get? Thank you, but I can't help but notice all your viewpoints on the past dozens of topics are negative. Such is the nature of the forum, but still... Thanks anyway!
  12. Doesn't sound great, but at least someone has noticed she at one point admitted to having more than friendly feelings towards me.
  13. There will be no convincing from my side, and sure if I keep pushing and hanging around it will be a turn off. My intention is - OK, let's do the party, where I show I am keeping around, then I distance myself to an extent. OK, we work together, but I will not be going the same days, and if I do, I will behave in such a way that she never thinks we are friends like we were at the start. I know it's incredibly hard to come back from the friendzone, but from everything and her behaviour - we were not friends, she just chose not to pursue what we started, i.e. she changed her mind, and she might change it again. As for the party - she is coming because she likes to spend time with me, I assure you. Other people are completely irrelevant. She isn't prepared to spend time with me alone, and that's fine for now. Other people only serve the purpose of us being comfortable in each other's company after the turbulence. Your life experience is obviously much greater than mine, but discounting all the positives and complications in this story and totally dismissing all of it... I am not sure.
  14. I forgot to mention that at the restaurant it was her who starting talking about the nature of our relationship. She said it was a strange relationship, but we should try and live with it. I said nothing to provoke those words. To be fair, my only move which she didn't clearly provoke was to ask her out after her return from the trip. EVERYTHING else - it was her. The first dinner, the texting, the visit to my home, meeting my family. All her. I know of numerous examples such as this which ended with marriage. Seriously. There are more of those which ended in heartbreak, surely, but I wouldn't just give up just yet. As for the present, I told her I had something for her, and as we are likely to distance ourselves from each other, she should have it, as I didn't feel like giving it to someone else or throwing it away. I mean, listen, I get it - you have said what you think, and it's reasonable, but I just feel there are things to consider before quitting.
  15. She told me it was at the office after her trip that she realized where things were headed, and started to panic, and decided to set boundaries. Generally, I'd also discount all the phychoanalysis also, but it genuinely feels she has emotional issues and wounds. Also, having 2 relationships all her life (aged 27) and no ONS or friends with benefits stuff suggests there is some issue there, or at least a huge hesitance to start the relationship. Mystery is part of all my success stories. Here I thought she is a bit different, and it would be a long drawn conquest anyway, I thought I should be open, present and go through the friendship/colleague route as it obviously wasn't going to be done quickly. I have had success stories doing that as well in the past, but this has surprised me 100%. Thanks anyway.
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