spinstermanquee

You are right up my alley! I do so love a tidy home. Taking the little bit of extra time putting things away keeps it uncluttered and makes for easier cleaning ❤️ Before you two married/lived together, what sorts of activities did you do together? What are your ages? Do you work outside the home? Is your mother active/self sufficient to the point where you don't worry about her living (just a guess) alone? Sorry to pepper you with questions, just exploring the particulars of your situation... 🙂

Hi Charlie, sorry you feel that way. Do you have your own hobbies, friends, and interests outside the home/marriage? What do you do when you are alone at home and he's not there?

One of the forum pillars on this board, (think it was @Seraphim ?) recently mentioned EMDR treatment. I don't think I chimed in there but I've just started doing it to process some REALLY old trauma. Don't completely understand it yet but as it was explained to me is reprogramming associations with that / those traumas to neutral territory so eventually in future - you flash back to that memory but it produces no affect. You also get to (bonus!) recreate or invent your happy most serene place as a toolbox thing to pull yourself into an operational state if you get triggered. Now, if any other forum member can offer a better and more relatable explanation of it, paging @Seraphim I would be most grateful for the edification -total emdr newb Spin

Sound advice. Unless you're willing and eager to eat a big ole slice of regret pie... which you don't deserve. You deserve an even, balanced person with their own career, interests, friends, etc. Please don't sign on for a renovation project, they never seem to turn out right (with people, anyways). Houses? Absolutely! Big hugs to you, Lion, you got this.

Same here. I've never been a SAHP but to me it's the world's most important (and difficult) job. I used to travel Sunday-Thursday, three weeks out one week in office. I'd get home on Thursday night, go into the office on Friday, and spend most of the weekend doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning. One time I came home and kiddo announced "You should see the pile of laundry Daddy and I made!" That night I decided she was old enough to learn how to do laundry (and my husband was old enough too, LOL). Laundry skills were gently introduced thereafter and I never got another greeting like that 😉

Longtime married here, we do same - usually we alternate picking up the tab, but it's not such an object of attention that we do any enforcement, it's super casual. I have a larger income, so generally pay for more things / meals / household goods / large purchases. Now as far as dating goes, when single I did generally accept having our first dinner paid by my date, but I did always either choose mutually acceptable places or have them choose, and was mindful of not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu (which I think is obnoxious). Having said that, once in a blue moon I do want the most expensive thing on the menu and am more than happy to pay! But in the nascent stages of a relationship I would not launch into income levels, spending habits, etc. It should unfurl naturally, as water seeks its own level... the goal is to get to know someone, not get some dude to buy me a lobster!

Anon, before online dating we had newspaper ads (yes I am ancient, lol). I remember this one guy told me he loved me on the second date, and that was IN PERSON. Yikes! I ran away as fast as I could. Even though it was flattering and a part of me wanted to believe it, I asked myself what did that say about him? His love was worth nothing / not real if he gave it without even knowing me. I inferred he might have some mental instability or be desperate, because only people with a screw loose do this kind of thing in sincerity. If they are insincere, then more sinister intents are at play. Please keep yourself safe, Anon. Hugs and kisses from a mom who would march over there and smack him upside the head with a "Fool! Leave my innocent baby alone with your craycray!" HAHA that might have been funnier in my head than on the page, but still... ❤️

It's not asking for a favor, it's asking for an unreasonable favor. Being in a relationship means give and take - like those famous lyrics "you can't always get what you want." She obviously cares for you - she jetted over to the station and picked you up. Did she scold you like a naughty child or guilt you for interrupting her day? Did she chide or lecture you? She put her safety (and yours!) first, as you both should. I often fly for work and we lived pretty close to the airport for 20+ years. Occasionally a flight would go sideways and I'd arrive in the wee hours. When that happened I did not expect my husband to get out of bed and come get me, the out-of-bounds range was roughly 12a-5a and I would just taxi or Uber home, roll my suitcase in, quietly undress, and slip into the pre-warmed bed 🙂

When I was single and a boyfriend wanted me to move in and pay half the mortgage, I looked at our salaries. He made 3x what I did at the time and I insisted we adjust my contribution accordingly. So I agreed to contribute 1/3. To me that was fair.

Please let us know, we are curious and eager to help

Hi nA1989, if you think of his gloves as a "tool," then yes you should have asked. I never liked it when my husband used our kitchen cutlery/flatware/services' knives to pry something because he would bend the tips (plus we cut/eat with those!). If I'm going to use his leather gloves for mixing concrete, there is a good possibility they will be unusable afterward. It's helpful to know the application the "tool" will be used for prior to granting permission to use it (what? you want to use my belt sander for a dermabrasion on the dog? Are you crazy?) LOL Good luck my dear

I took the Forum, the Advanced Forum, and the Leadership Series. The first one was definitely a game-changer and I would recommend it. Afterward it just seems like they've got their hooks in you and keep coming up with ways to spend your money. I still use some of the principles from the Forum. With Self: In other arenas, exercise builds strength and stamina and releases feelgood endorpins. Eat well. Pamper yourself. I love to set aside evenings sometimes to condition my hair, take a bubble bath, oil rubdown, etc. Hair and face masks from the beauty supply are a dollar or two. Give yourself a mani-pedi. Taking good care of your body enhances your confidence. Reading, even just for pleasure, gives both education and conversational material. You could explore one subject in-depth and become an expert at it. Internet - look for videos on high value women. They demo a lot of the practices of women with good self esteem. Try something new you haven't before, like yoga, dance, painting, building or restoring an old piece of furniture. Focus on you and what YOU like, don't worry about dating for a minute. With Others: Meetups, clubs, and organizations for things that interest you. Volunteer work. The more you get out in the world and listen to others, the more appreciation you have for the wide range of experiences. The more you listen, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more choices you have and you start to notice yourself tuning in more to some things than others. You might become passionate about something you had never previously considered - and a passionate pursuit is always a good way to meet others who share your interest. When you're feeling more concerned with whether YOU like HIM, rather than whether HE likes YOU, you'll be right ready to date again! 🙂 Best of luck my dear.

Dear Hanna, one cannot police an UN-policeable item, which is another person's mind. The porn is a red herring here. Yes, in a healthy loving relationship people can FANTASIZE about whatever they want. Actions are what count. Words, images, movies, fantasies, claims, blabbering, blah blah blah mean nothing. Never been into porn, hubs neither. But that doesn't mean I don't have a rich imagination, it just means I have no need for "training" films. For example, I could (although I don't) fantasize about doing a football team. Would I actually do it? Heck no, young male drool, germs galore, STDs, pregnancy etc. Is it okay to fantasize about it? Heck yeah. No cheating required! And hubs would not accuse me of cheating with a football team! That would be silly, right? When it only happened in my mind? When I was single sometimes guys would be all butt hurt if I busted out the neck massager during coitus, like it was a commentary on their adequacy or lack thereof. I had no patience for them. Really? You'd discount the little helper? Why not get in on the action? I'll leave you with that one. If you like this guy get on board. If you're too uncomfortable with his proclivities, jump ship and find someone closer to your expectations. But stop with the policing!

Yah I guess so. He is so good about maintenance stuff, but he is always lofty about quality choices and if he didn't do the work, it must be no good 😉

Alright so just built this house and husband decided to use downstairs bathroom. Unfortunately he plugged it up. When I NOT blamingly discovered it... "oops looks like the loo isn't flushing properly, omg" he: 1) Asserted it wasn't him that used the loo to do #2 (we were the only two people in the building) 2) Blamed it on the "cheap toilet" I selected for the new construction 3) Did not apologize (and at first, did not offer to fix until after I jokingly told him he broke my new toy) I used "I" statements, never raised my voice, and he did not respond in kind. He told me I was "building a big story." This started me thinking about all the stuff I've learned over the past years here (and in therapy). Kinda just wanted him to go back to our other house and be away from the new one after that. I was fine with clearing the clog myself, I don't care that he did it, it's actually kind of comical and good fodder for humor and teasing. But COAC, it kind of triggered me for the lack of accountability in other areas of our relationship. Why can't a person apologize and rectify an issue they caused without having a trial or tribunal? It makes things bigger (and last longer) than they merit. Here's a similar. Years ago, I was playing with our dog by throwing rocks which he chased in the yard. I threw one rock that dented my husband's car. I immediately stopped playing and went inside to report the damage to husband and ask how to make it right. On Monday I made arrangements for a repair on the vehicle. So eNotalone peeps please offer up your opinions, please be kind. Maybe I don't have same kind of probs as others but hey, don't judge!

Yah it goes both ways! In my case I decided against the drive downtown to see the stylist, I liked the haircut part but yesterday first visit she talked me into a multiprocess color thing and I wound up spending 3x what I'd like to in time and money. So now researching closer salons/pros.

FlipFloppy, my company uses a few different flavors of remote meeting software and in most cases I have not been successful in showing my face on video AND showing my screen content simultaneously. You may want to research the program you are using to see if it is possible. If so, document the steps and use them next time. Share with your manager that you have established a new process to use in future. If, however, it is NOT possible then you may want to share your research so your manager knows she was unreasonable (you should not have to say it or present the information like "I tole ya so"). You would just say, "as a followup to your request, here's what I found out" kind of thing.

Why do you need *him* to have adventures? You're 30, single, and free! As another poster said, the world is your oyster! Get your resume together, get your papers in order, and get gone already! If you don't start living your best life now, you'll wind up living the same exact life in 20 years! Carpe diem. And everyone loves Canadians! (Are you listening, @MissCanuck)? I have friends who went to China and taught English, one who went to Japan to work for the government. Another took a job as an au pair and got room and board plus a stipend in Europe for taking care of 2 kids after school until dinner every day, and had every other weekend free. Yet another went on the cheap and took a break-down bicycle to India and backpacked. They all had great adventures and came out the other side better for it, none of them waited for permission or waited for someone else to make it happen for them. He made his choice and it didn't involve you. That says more about him than it does about you. He's not going far anyways, he has too much baggage tying him to North America. And he won't stay in Alberta and never come back, because child. There is nothing wrong with you other than you think you need that in your life. I beg to differ! Go batgirl go!!! The world is waiting for you to show up for YOU.

Hi Shadeeee, sorry you are in this situation. Just b/c a guy doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't mean he's gay. It just means (if you want it) that you are incompatible. I would release this fish back into the water to find a better mate... and you can stop worrying about "why" and what HE wants so you can do your own thing and find someone who more closely aligns with what YOU want.

Heart goes out to you, swilliams. About a year and a half ago I was headed for divorce myself. I do have to say, as one of the other posters (@Jaunty) suggested, a vibrator can be your best friend during trying times and it's not ugly, messy, or degrading: you can imagine anything you want and never be embarrassed or sorry in the morning. You'll not be the subject of gossip or jealousy, your pocketbook won't get picked, and you don't have to dress up or wear makeup, not to mention fake an orgasm 😉 (j/k I don't believe in that). If you still live in the marital home then take yourself out for girlfriend time, go shopping, volunteer, learn something new, throw some time into self improvement, exercise, anything that takes you away from the negative energy at home. Spa time is always good! Sleeping with a dude who doesn't care about you is just another way to stomp on/out what little happiness and peace you might gain from other activities. You are so much more than just a vagina to be used by a jerkoff. Hugs and all the best my dear. ((((( )))))

Turtle, you reminded me of a long-ago funny story. I met this guy from a newspaper ad (the 80s equivalent of online dating) one time for drinks and he thought he was (in his own words) "a perfect specimen of masculinity with his broad shoulders, V-shaped physique, and used to be a (stripper) dancer." All I saw was a dude who was a bit on the short side, getting pudgy, a little too hairy for my tastes, and the self-promotion was a huge turnoff for me. When he called me for a second meet I declined. He wanted to know why. I was trying to be polite and not give him my real reason... but he was relentless. Finally when I said I didn't share his opinion of his perfection, he STARTED TO ARGUE BACK TO ME!!! Ugh, just ugh. Don't ask me why if you really don't want to know! Yuck.

I've been doing a lot of moving so I've had to change hairapists 😉 several times. The one we used in the place we lived for many years started coming to our house after covid and did my color/cut and husband's cut. Then we moved and I found someone close by that did good work. Now we moved again and I did get a referral to someone (saw a haircut I liked - asked the person who does your hair - made an appt with them). However, that hairapist is 1/2 hour away. An extra hour every month (I do every 4 weeks religiously). So if I like her work I'll stay with her but only until I find someone closer.

Is the extra gas and time to see your previous hair stylist worth the difference? Depends on how you value your time. That's an extra 40 minutes round trip plus gas. For example, if you value your time at $100/hour then I would spend the extra to see the salon owner. You could also ask for her to grant you a loyalty discount - even though she charges new customers X dollars, her longtime ones probably didn't get raised at the same rate. For me, personally, if I liked the salon owner's service I would stay with the location closest to home. An extra 40 minutes every time I wanted my hair done would give me pause... YMMV

Larissa, Is what you don't know really is if he is telling the truth when he "says" he isn't "sex-driven?" Sounds a bit like a hound to me... hmmm...

Yep. In YOUR world. Larissa, only you can draw that boundary. It's not on her, it's on him. Best of everything and big hugs 🙂