spinstermanquee

Please get thyself to a responsible loving and trustworthy adult and / or organization immediately. Every community, no matter how sparse, has SOME TYPE OF SUPPORT for folks that don't have a built in support system and need help establishing one. No shame in that! boltnrun ^^^ has provided you with nationwide resources (thank you boltnrun). You seemed to have responded to some of the suggestions I made earlier, which still stand. I hope you choose to utilize the great wide variety of choices proposed to you by this community, we do care and there is a LOT of powerful and wise experience amongst our elders 😉 Take advantage Hugs((( )))

Kyle12, I posted on one of your other threads. I feel for you and wish to send you some virtual hugs ((( ))) Please take care of yourself, promote your own healing, and if you care to update us on where you are with this. ❤️

Alrighty, I'm going to propose my latest go-to for zooming out to examine a relationship: imagine it was a business with two partners who were supposed to be (more or less) equal. Whether it's 50-50, 60-40, or 100-100. 😄 What got put in what got taken out, how did the partners behave towards each other? Did they split the profits, if there were any (no matter the %)? Did anyone get lied to or screwed in the transactions? Was there a clear winner and loser? Hugs to you, hope all goes well and you find your equilibrium someday, when the time is right, with a great business partner that's in the love, marriage, sexy time, kids, family, savings, dreams come true business!

Something wrong here. Your "partner" is not interpersonal relationship material. The only relationship he wants is on video on all fours. Videos don't talk back or have needs and feelings. They are easy to control (push fast forward or go back), predictable, and nothing required except HIM pleasing HIMSELF. And deleting the pix on his phone? Probably backed up to the PC already so it was theatre to mollify you. They (videos) also happen to be of persons that probably don't know they are continuing to be abused by him. You, however, do know that you are being abused and you now have the chance to kick this vile, selfish, disrespectful, potentially violent (die? really?) creep to the curb. Please shore up your support system now. You've taken the first step by putting this out to a community of people who care (the collective knowledge here is massive)! Please put yourself first, he obviously just wants to keep doing what he's doing regardless of what you think about it and you could be his next porn victim like Wiseman2 said ^^^. It might also be a good idea to sweep the apartment for bugs and cameras. Every air vent, smoke detector, headboard, bookcase, entertainment center - you get the idea. Best of luck my dear...

Breakthrough moment, feeling proud. Had to call STBEH (soon to be ex husband) for some housekeeping stuff and while I was speaking to him, he put me on his cellphone speaker (he was hanging curtains in his new house). For some reason speakerphone from his cell makes feedback in my headset (one begins speaking and by the third word one is hearing reverbs of the beginning of the sentence, cue brain explosion - for me anyways). I asked him to please take me off speaker because I'm hearing feedback, and i hear a "tsk" and breath expulsion irritated sound (I don't know the onomatopoeia for "what evs, fu"). So I said in a cheerful voice, "You don't have to honor my request but I also don't have to keep talking to you when I cannot properly hear or process the conversation." I proceeded to wish him a good night and hung up post haste. Perhaps this sounds petty, but if you look at one of my REALLY old posts about trying to claim some quiet office space of my own in our home, you might deduce that this is some old selfish behavior that has not ceased. So I am feelin' pretty good about claiming my respect. He was trying to control me and I blocked him.

Roxiee... my heart is breaking for you. I know you need someone to hold you close in a non romantic way and show you how valuable you are... and how loved you are. This is the job of a parent that is supposed to carry you forward with grace (I can say this as I was raised by wolves). Giving up your body in exchange for a boy's affections will further thrust you into the throes of abuse. I speak from experience. My first time was gross and humiliating, not a memory I want to share unless it could help someone else avoid it. Please please please get thyself to someone trustworthy. A guidance counselor, a therapist if it's possible, any friend's friendly big sister, female parent, grandmother, even a friendly female pastor at a local church. Even a nice female doctor or nurse. An online support group... whatever you do, please don't succumb to this non supportive boy's demands. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Hmmm. I love the advice Andrina gave. You don't have a pony in this race and your GF seems to have good boundaries / observations. Your parents are overstepping and trying to guilt you into an inappropriate situation which puts both you and your GF at risk. Your sister chose her path and now must shore up her own resources and affiliations. You owe her nothing, you didn't create it. The creator(s) of the situation get to deal with it. Best of luck, warm hugs and thoughts for a great 2022. ❤️

Super great advice from all above, love this site. I thought of 2 more evaluation techniques that might be helpful: 1) Imagine that the girl is not a person but some kind of activity or object - a video game, a job, an alcoholic beverage 😉 or a corvette. How would you feel if the activity or object were always around, him showing more concern for it than for you, going off to the side or away for a weekend with it, etc.? You get the concept. Takes the female out of the equation and helps you focus on the behavior and its implications. 2) Imagine your relationship is a business and you are partners (please stick with me here). What is your desired output product, what do each of you invest in the partnership, are you profitable? Is it equitable? (Remember, in this business the only shareholders are you two and only you two should be beneficiaries of the output product.) What are your sunken costs? Is there a recoverable scenario or is bankruptcy imminent? Funny story: Those are the kinds of questions I started asking myself when I had to tell my 85-year-old father I was going to divorce and I was trying to figure out a way to explain to him without getting into "hubster did, blah blah blah" which would just make him roll his eyes back in his head and pity my spouse, patriarch that he is. But man, when I told him the ROI wasn't panning out and it was time to dump my shares and get out of the marriage business, he perked right up and connected with me... Please accept my most sincere wishes that you choose what's right for YOU sister. <3<3<3

Oh Batya, I didn't mean ALONE like woe is me! I just meant walk my path without him. My family consists of several long term (30+ years) friends and I have been making new ones, slowly and carefully, in my new town. I've been visiting my aging father one weekend per month. Having a romantic partner is the last thing on my mind right now, I would be doing us both a disservice.

Thank you for the encouragement and advice. East4 great assessment. I didn't want my post to become a catalog of injuries and broken promises with me as the star victim. Once I realized he prized money more than our marriage, I basically bought my freedom and his compliance. Wiseman2 and East4, that is good advice for someone in a couple whose assets are all commingled. Since I was the one with the income and the credit, he could only buy a house with cash. The rest is in my name. I find this a fair split and he agreed to sign off on things as they are. I'm not going to fight for a bigger slice of the pie, because as in ALL the contested divorces I've seen, only the lawyers win.

Yes, one, she is 32 now

Everyone has such good ideas on this thread. I agree. Let yourself feel the feels, all of them. Some days you wake up bursting with possibility and glad you are where you are. Other days you'll second guess yourself. Perhaps it would help to know that "going back" is literally, going backwards. And that's not usually good for anyone! <3<3<3

AutumnBorn and many others have some really good advice! I'm in a breakup too and I feel like a butterfly busting out of its cocoon right now! I started going to church (never possible before because atheist husband diminished religion/spirituality), making friends at yoga class, going to events and networking, trying new restaurants, etc. Who needs a meanie?

Please do not continue to cast your pearls before swine. You are a goddess and deserve a loving caring partner that is a TRUE partner, not a player. Hugs!

Hi eNotaloners! I've been a lurker on these forums for a long time with few posts, but I've enjoyed you all and especially the super posters that just seem to have a natural handle on relationships and boundaries (one of my personal issues). I cut a LOT of fat out of this so it wouldn't be 5 pages, so please excuse the gaps about other important things like love, sex, children, etc. I had to skinny it up to the beginning of the end. But it WAS good in the beginning. Have been married 25 years now, known each other 39. We were always very independent and not up in each other's grills from the beginning. He quit working around 7 years ago, which created some issues, so I shuttered my business and went back to work for another company. We bought our first home together in 2000. He wanted it so badly, I consented with the explicit agreement that the next house choice would be more bilateral. Q3 last year we sold our home. He took the proceeds and bought another home in a remote area without honoring his promise. I started to think about how big that was and what it meant to me and my needs for proximity to airports, health care, self care, etc. I helped him move the household in between work trips to the new house even though I didn't' want to live there (first mistake?) I tried to get excited about moving there but i just couldn't muster it. It was too far from other stuff. He was also in a very stressed and hostile mood for most of the time, not being Mr. Change Guy. There are some (my) family gift real estate and investment stories and pandemic landlord/tenant fears that don't belong here so suffice it to say that I posted up in one of "our" units 2 hours away from the new house for a while to figure out what *I* wanted. It turned out to be a great way to breathe and think outside the marriage. The new house sits on a parcel of land and can accommodate a large workshop that is many a person's dream. Great, LOVE it! However, since he doesn't quite grasp finance/banking/real estate, he had some episodes where he was trying to figure out his building budget and during that period he verbally abused me and accused me of stealing the house money, when he just didn't understand real estate closing statement fees, banking fees, etc. and made a mess of my bank accounts. My heart broke in a million pieces. I would never steal or subvert monies from our family. It was the absolute last straw. Yes, I understand he felt vulnerable. But to turn that vulnerability into soul-crushing anger/hatred against your love partner of so many years, I finally had enough. All those little hostilities over the years that predict a couple's likelihood of divorce just burst through the veil of my denial and announced to me that I better take care of myself because this person consistently puts their needs before mine and will not change. After that, I wrote him a letter and enclosed the keys and remotes to his house. I explained that he chose his path and now I was choosing mine. I tried to be kind yet communicate finance and romance were now off the table. I didn't use the D word because I wanted to see if he would fight for me. He didn't. My next trip to visit, I scheduled some banking appointments. I put ALL the house monies into his bank account, took my name off his accounts, and took his name off my bank accounts. The following trip, I told him I am ready to walk my path alone. He still doesn't understand what happened. I asked him if he expected any property, money, or alimony in the divorce and he started to cry. He said "I can't believe you would ask me that after all this time." WHOA. I let him go in his office for a while, then I followed him and low voice, super-gently asked, "How does it feel to be on the receiving end of that?" No revenge, just another indication of how much we are done. He didn't get it. Now, for the grand finale! Some days, I am bursting with possibility and I feel young again! Never thought I would wind up single at my age. I used to think it was pathetic, but now I'm okay with it... and I'm not angry, just grateful that the universe finally granted me the courage to walk my path alone. I pray for all of us in this situation and hope we can find our peace. I am currently just trying to engage in self-healing and loving things, be kind to myself and others, and be open. I am now free to explore my spirituality, find my space as a person who wants to make a difference and leave the world a better place. I have found that the more I put out into the universe, the more I get back. Conversely, the more I put into that old relationship, I didn't get back... so I guess that is key! Love you all, thanks for listening. Fingers crossed and love sent out into eNotalone 🙂

Totally not kosher. People give out their cell phone numbers to car mechanics, the dry cleaner, their work, the airlines they fly and their dog groomers. Why can't a girlfriend have it?

dear spearntime, like musicteacher, i have had to cut my toxic mum out of my family. after years of therapy and much suffering, i actually grew a pair and made the decision. (btw musicteacher, i tried Lexapro for a few months but found I really didn't need it - however, everyone is different so it's really a decision between you and your doctor). for us, it was just too damaging to my family to keep my mum involved, and she was showing signs of abusing my daughter the exact same way she did with me... and my first responsibility is to the child. once i focused on that, the way was clear.

May I humbly offer up a few of my experiences? After we decided we were in love, I told my husband that I respected his opinion regarding marriage. He saw it as a meaningless piece of paper and a waste of time. My opinion, however, was that it is the highest commitment any person can make to another and really means something. I told him that while I really cared for him, someday I wanted that highest commitment (but hey, no pressure, and I really meant it). About 10 months later we got engaged and moved in. We waited 2 years to marry. I do not regret our decision. Although we do have challenges and the occasional disagreement... that is life! Choose well, love well, forgive a lot, but don't sell out. Hope this helps!