spinstermanquee

mylolita, pretty sure we're going to be friends. close or not depends on future. we raised a daughter together so we'll always be linked. i sure cannot (and don't want to) erase someone I've known and loved for most of my life... no, we will never get back together. i have 0 physical attraction to him for 10-12 years now (and he is very good looking)

Here is my no blame story. I became a wife and parent in a single swipe. Our very next task was to get permanent custody of his birth child, as birth mother was deceased and gps were trying to keep her from her father. Legal was not his wheelhouse, so I grabbed the helm of our relation-ship. Cue masculine energy spinsterproblemsolveryesican He may have been relieved that someone else was managing, or he felt emasculated or embarrassed and did not wrestle the helm back. I had let my need to control a possible shipwreck situation overwhelm my desire to judiciously and kindly share the helm. All sharp edges here! Without him feeling respect/affection from his woman, he began to resent me, freely deny my needs (nothing I do will please her anyways, why bother) and we grew distant. Our hearts closed. A man who is not respected will not honor or work any more to continually earn/keep his woman's love. A woman who is not honored or whose partner does not work to earn/keep her love will disrespect her man and knowingly or unknowingly, emasculate him. This is only *my* takeaway, YMMV 😉

Fellow eNotaloners, fear not! I love that we are expanding this discussion to others, no hijack worries. mylolita, thanks for the sentiment and PLEASE fire away or open a fresh thread if you want. It's great to know that our posts here (I'm only an occasional visitor but boltnrun, batya, wiseman, catfeeder, lambert, rosemosse, jibralta et al are the pillars and posts of the community here) can make even the smallest difference out in the world. Such a good feeling.

now, please excuse me for generalizing. we all have both energies and it all depends on many factors, so this is only my case and it may not apply to anyone else's who reads this man - tends to want to solve problems (head) woman - tends to want to share emotional experience (heart) please understand that *i* have been living from my masculine side (driver, problem solver) brain for a long time. the 17 inches between the brain and my feminine (safe, soft and loved) heart are like a highway in california that was destroyed by an earthquake. must. reopen. highway. LOL

Taking those baby steps 🙂 Firstly, I am focusing on being present more in my body and heart than my head. I have lived from my head for so long, it's a huge undertaking! I am starting to speak more softly and choose my words carefully. My historical use of words was as weapons, all sharp edges and cutting humor. Essentially, I am dialing down the sarcasm (tough cookie) and trying to express myself more kindly and lovingly. Last weekend I told our daughter about our split (we both agreed I would tell our daughter and he would tell his parents). I messaged her and we connected over a video chat. I did some breathing exercises beforehand and put myself 100% in the moment. I let the conversation flow from my heart and out of my mouth. There was some leaking on both sides but it felt like we really connected. In the past, I might have rehearsed a speech over and over and executed from my head. This was authentic. This may all be basic to some, but for me it's like finally unlocking a puzzle that's been driving me nuts for years! Once again, thank you all for the input, suggestions, and caring. I'm so happy to be a part of this community.

Good question! I would have respected him more and probably stood down. I didn't say the demise of the marriage was ALL on me, I'm just owning MY bits 😉

maritalbliss86, over the years i emasculated my husband in several ways. I did not understand how my (overly masculine) energy dissipated his and robbed him of chances to be a loving husband. Instead of letting him drive I grabbed the wheel away from him and criticized his driving abilities (in several arenas, like parenting, work, finance). (short answer: I was a ball breaker) Of course, it didn't start out that way... but I guess after being together for some time my pathologies crept in as they are wont to do. I went to talk therapy so many times to try and figure out what was wrong with me, with the marriage, and never got any solid answers. What I am working on now is embracing my femininity, allowing myself to be vulnerable and soft. Just because I was raised by wolves, doesn't mean I have to use the same old road map now, 50+ years later. I'm not in a war zone any more, and I failed to act accordingly. I hope that answered your question...

Updating to say, in the course of this new therapy I have discovered so many channels in which I was deficient in my marriage. I have done my best to own my sh*t, make amends, and we are in a pretty good place.

Love it, Lambert! I got up early, went to hot yoga, and after at the grocery store, bought myself a big ole bouquet of flowers. Feeling sassy at the checkout, I declared that I was my favorite valentine 😉 If you had have told me last year that I would be single today, I would have been flabbergasted (and maybe had a big helping of self pity). But now, I am feeling good and solid in my life, busy growing my "empire" and making new friends, trying new things. At the end of the day, as many others here have said, why bother to even have one if it's not the right one? Aren't you worth more?

Man, Batya33 ^^^ had a lot of good suggestions... My only add would be, what are you projecting out into the world? Like, are you feeling whole and happy with yourself? Are you feeling like you need something, something is missing or wrong, or if there could be a void somewhere inside? If so, that's a great starting place to explore before engaging in the next romantic relationship. Not everything is about the couple dynamic. Sometimes parenting isn't optimal. There is also nothing wrong with taking a beat, as some others ^^^ suggested. For me, I do spa treatments, spoil myself, take big ole long expensive hot baths (yes I pay my own electric bill for those of you who read that other thread about the gf baths, haha). I'm booking all my weekends up for trips to family, friends, and potential fellow goddesses 😉

roxiee... you around? please give us an update. we are standing by...

You're ready when you can sit by yourself and lack nothing. You are whole, complete, happy (as others above have indicated). If you present yourself as open or vulnerable to a lovely lass and she rejects you, you are still fine! You are still you! That rejection is about her and her needs, not YOU. You cannot be everyone's cup of tea. But... being the best tea you can be for YOU often attracts people who like your brand of tea and nothing else will do! Isn't that a great feeling... yah let's create that. As for mental health, please don't overlook the massive toolbox available to us in modern day. No shame in therapy, exploration, inner child regression therapy, etc. I've been doing some of this stuff myself lately and cannot believe the power to transform my life. ❤️

We initially met and had a super magnetic fling and then went off to school, study, career launches, other countries, other relationships, and then circled back after 10 years.

We are all ready when we are and not a minute sooner. I've always been the kind of person that owns their stuff, i just needed someone to point out my folly (NOT the STBXH, I'm sure that would have resulted in an argument)! It's tempting and easy, as catfeeder ^^^ pointed out above, to craft the narrative with the other party as the villain. But once therapist gave me the ol' "come to Jesus" and I opened my eyes to my role in the matter, it was SO FREEING! I cried and cried on the way to see him to apologize - but not with sorrow, with release of blame and guilt, with *finally* understanding and a full heart. I'm even crying a little happy cry now because it's beautiful when you can forgive YOURSELF and let bygones be bygones. Betterwithout, she may never realize her role in the demise of your marriage. But you can acknowledge yours 🙂 Don't have to do it with her either! Let her swim in the sea of her own making. God bless and thanks for commenting on my post!

mylolita, I am almost 60. I met my husband almost 40 years ago, we've been married for 25 and the divorce is in process now. This new therapist I am seeing has me on a lightning-fast track to self awareness through meditation, breathing exercises, and a little bit of talk therapy. I stayed so long (I can only say this since my session yesterday, lol) because safety was the one thing I was denied in childhood. It was a toxic environment from age 5 to 14, when I ran away from home for the final time. How did I start onto my healing path? One of my Chinese friends said one day that nothing ever changes until there's an accident. We were in the middle of selling our home and he went nuts and screamed at me, which shocked me out of my complacency. I realized that our marriage was dead and I wanted to end us hurting each other over and over. Initially, I blamed him and built up a catalog of misdeeds and mailed it to him. Once I started with the new therapist, however, she led me in a surprising direction and my "aha" moments were coming fast and furious. Hence the apologies and amends to husband...

catfeeder, i feel so blessed right now. We still talk 3x week (we have a common furbaby that is undisputably his) and connect over family stuff, but it's so liberating to be free of blame, shame, or games. After I owned my part in the deterioration of our relationship and he did too, it was like a transformation. All of a sudden, we are helping each other instead of fighting each other. I *could* say I wish it happened 10 years back when we went stale, but hey you are ready when you're ready and not a minute sooner. Thanks for the feedback and hope our community can keep helping others in any way, small or large

At the end of yoga class the other day, the instructor started reading something about fear. Fear makes one cold, it can keep one safe from hurt but it also keeps one isolated from love. I've read the opposite of love isn't hate: it's fear. Thinking more about it... being cold makes one hard, harsh, judgemental. Labels, expectations and judgements start flooding in. The mind becomes an enemy, not a friend, when it is clouded by fear - whispering doubts and criticisms. I'm not talking about the kind of fear where you're afraid of doing something (like getting a new job or launching a new course of study) but you do it anyways. That is courage. We're talking about emotional FEAR - if I let them see who I really am they won't love me. Or the kind of fear that leads animals to strike first - fear aggression (I'll hurt them before they hurt me). If I meet someone new and I'm looking for them to disappoint me, I surely will spot something fairly quickly, which leads me to reject them first. Am I saved? No, I'd be repeating a self-sabotaging cycle because I want to connect, I want to open my heart, I deserve to be loved fully and completely as I am. I want to stop the madness of self judgement, self sabotage, and shut up once and for all that tiny little voice in the back of my head that whispers "no one will ever love you," "you're not good enough," "you're not smart enough," "you're not pretty enough," blah blah blah (the sh*t the narcissistic female parent showered me with until I was old enough to run away from home)... but the brain, the brain, that little girl is still in there trying to repeat the toxic "lessons" learned from her mama. So that's my "missing piece" that I need to create for myself. Whole and unconditional love. If you could source that negative mantra, or that thing that is missing from inside of you and work on that... perhaps that could shut up your own inner demon that is keeping you from fully becoming YOU, with all your wonderful qualities and maybe the ones that need to be dialed down... get dialed down. Being your best self and happy with you are is tremendously attractive to folks who have their emotional act together. Good luck my friend, you are in the right place here to touch base and get some input on what works for others. Hope you get to mine a gold nugget amongst all the suggestions and stories! Cheers...

Please do yourself a favor and RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit! This is toxic behavior that (like domestic violence) never resolves itself, it only GROWS. I once dated a guy that was pretty sick with jealousy... it was slow and insidious, but it got to the point where I couldn't go to the grocery store without getting the third degree. He quizzed me incessantly about my past and then used it against me. He even had Spy Shop appliances that recorded whenever the phone came off the hook. One day I slipped a sweet greeting card into his briefcase and after that he kept it locked - took me a while to figure it out - but was using the briefcase to take the tapes to work and listen to them there every day! Yah I had to bust out of that one - when I found the recording equipment I knew it was time to go... and to this day thank my lucky stars I did not marry him. When I started dating the next person a while later, and saw it was getting serious, I had a chat with him: I invited him to ask me anything he wanted about my past, and I'll answer, and then we'd never speak of it again. His response "I have no questions. Everything you've lived and done made you the person who you are today, the one I love, and that's all I need to know." You know what? We did get married, and I went on the road, and he never questioned me. An awesome natural result of granting that deep trust is that I NEVER would have done ANYTHING to destroy it because I valued it so much. It's like that Jack Nicholson line "You make me want to be a better man." By giving me his trust, he pretty much guaranteed he could trust me. Paradoxical, but true 😉 Good luck to you my dear. We're all rooting for you!!!

Boltnrun, i'm learning lately it's never too late to start over/be reborn. And a kind word will not be misplaced when it's sent in the right mindset. Love that you even considered it!

Batya33, yes^^^ I guess we just don't see things as they are until we are ready. In my case I needed a guide. Perhaps... I put him in charge of *my* happiness and then blamed him for not doing a great job. I still cannot believe the depth of insight I gained in 3 hours spread over 3 days. Now I know, everything I need is inside of me right now, I'm whole as I am. I don't need to look outward. Once I can sit with my whole self for a while, I'll be ready to figure out what that means for me in the romance department. For the moment I'm just going to connect/reconnect with my fellow goddesses, enjoy being fully present in life/showing up for myself, making new friends, working, dancing, doing yoga, embracing life to the fullest.

Good morning eNotaloners... Thursday I started therapy to guide me through this transition. In three visits I made more progress in meditation/therapy than in many years of talk therapy. I was blown away and had to take action. The first visit was mostly talking and establishing past history and current status. The second visit I saw how I emasculated my husband in the later years of our marriage. The third visit I realized how harsh I can be (during a guided meditation). She had me visualize me as I am, with all my good qualities and the ones I need to dial down / work on. She then read the breakup letter I wrote and asked me if any of that was true. I laughed and said "Not anymore!" I was in another city and heading home on Saturday (yesterday). I stopped by STBXH new home (announced). I asked him to disregard the letter - the content was mostly irrelevant and inaccurate. To my astonishment his response: I never talked to you about it because I knew you didn't mean those things you wrote. We both cried a little and laughed a little. Then, I apologized for hurt I caused with the letter and during our marriage. Wonder of wonders, he apologized too and told me I was still the most important person in his life. I asked him to please forgive me and he said he already had. We hugged and I continued on home with a weight lifted off me... and our renewed status as best friends. My big takeaway is owning your own sh*t in your relationships is primary (even though it took a third party draw my attention to who I was being, it doesn't matter in the end because I took that information and acted on it). WOW. Thanks for listening/reading. I am on a healing path and I hope the epiphanies keep coming...

Oh!!! JJ262 I apologize I forgot to include cultural implications, I've been living with them so long in my current STBX relationship that I totally neglected to ask. Do you two have cultural differences as far as birth countries, origins, family dynamics, expectations about family life, etc.? (You don't have to give specifics, just general responses.) Sorry right now I live in the US and all my responses are based on the culture here

I cannot really add much to the excellent comments made by others here except to share that I had an abusive childhood and (as soon as I possibly could) invested a lot of time, money, and work in healing and becoming a better person inside, learning it wasn't my fault, forgiving and leaving the past behind. I could not stay a victim because it would dictate my future. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or reliving, it just means growing compassion for oneself and knowing we're not defined by other folks' ideas of who [they claim] we are. Those ideas say much more about them than about us. When I became a parent I made extra visits to therapy because I was so worried I would pass on my abusive past to my child. The psychologist told me if I was worried about what kind of parent I would be, I was already half way there... So, big hugs to you in your journey. You will come out stronger, more capable, and more loving than you ever imagined. I'm so glad you came here to eNotalone. There is a huge pool of wonderful folks that give their pearls of wisdom. I've been coming for many years now and it has saved my bacon on more than one occasion!

You know, I suddenly thought of another thing: she is focusing on what is on the outside of you, not the inside. That seems to be how she was raised - her parents will judge her based on husband, children, house in the burbs. All OUTWARD signs of success. What are the inward signs? You can also ask that same question of yourself. What are you focused on about her? Is she beautiful, wears nice clothes, will you make pretty kids? Does she possess any innate qualities that would make a wonderful spouse, good mother, trusted financial steward? What would an ideal partner be like for YOU?

Please excuse the long post, you kind of inspired me. Yah I agree with the other folks, sounds like she may not be focusing on the right thing, or she is putting the "cart before the horse." When I got married 25 years ago we didn't have two nickels to rub together but we were both hard working and ambitious. We lived in a rental until we could afford to buy. But I didn't base my decision on partnership with him on financial status, nor did we have a prenup. Were I in her shoes I would be more concerned about my own financial status and ensuring I keep up my billable hours to make it to desirable (legal and marriage) partner 😉 status ASAP so I can start buying up real estate, investing in multiple revenue streams and saving for family/retirement. I would ignore my parents, it's not THEIR womb or their potential marriage. They would have no say. For the optimal marriage prospect, the three biggies are supposedly sex, children, and finance. You have to be of close mindset or at a bare minimum in reasonable ballpark on the three or the weakest link will break the bond. As a career woman, I would not even consider marriage unless I could "hold my own" financially. With what you have achieved in such a short time, you are sitting pretty and I sure do hope you are not in a hurry to get married. Life is long, the world is wide, and there is a counterpart out there who has as much income and as little debt as you do. Were i in your shoes, and did decide to marry this person (or anyone who cannot match you in the money department), I would have a prenup for sure. You have earned your assets and should shield them. This way if you do have children and something happens, at least you can ensure your children, not your ex, will benefit. Disclaimer: There isn't enough space on this page to write all I'm sure you wanted to, so we only get a small slice of the big picture. If I seized upon a detail incorrectly I am sure you will clarify... but for now, mostly, if I were in your shoes I'd let this one fade away and remain open for the real woman warrior that can match you in every arena. Might be more challenging, but in the end more satisfying and sustainable than wondering if YOU are enough. You'll be too busy worshiping her independence and marveling at her business acumen while she is admiring you and loving the heck out of you.