spinstermanquee

competing with your daughters is never a good look. sad.

Hi again Willow... I didn't say before... you are so beautiful! Your girlish charms shine through in your flirty smile! It's a common thing to begin taking things for granted when folks are safe and secure in a relationship. Does not mean he doesn't love you, he is just not dialed in to what to do to please you further. Your partner won't always intuit what you want/need. HOW you communicate what you want/need is so important and also is the biggest factor on whether or not you receive. "Nagging" is a negative, as you already know since you don't do it. So how exactly do you ask for what you want/need without becoming a nag? You might get some juice out of searching for "how to ask for what I need without nagging," "high value woman" or just throw your hat out into a ring you want to participate in. In any case, I wish you much success with your honey. A lot of good advice here from some of the very best contributors. Hugs!

Courtney, if this is what you want to do right now, don't let anyone else deter you. You are not creating your future in that one course, you are weaving a tapestry that will last your whole life - it is a thread that contributes to the masterpiece that will be, do it! IME wound up studying something somewhat unrelated to what I found, got chuffed by, and established my career on. My standard joke if/when someone asks what I majored in, is "underwater basket weaving." In 6th grade art class my passive-aggressive intructor criticized my drawing because I had one element isolated from the other shapes. It seemed to really bother him..

lwatson, i am in my late fifties and if i could help one person in the world it would be either my daughter or someone else's (fingers crossed, haha) when i was 16 i had a super jealous controlling boyfriend that made my life a living hell. he constantly criticized, surveilled, and always had something to say about MY goals, my education, my upbringing, etc... in other words, not his domain. yes, i was raised by wolves but when i evaluated his reasoning for bringing up these issues it certainly wasn't for my betterment. so after that i looked only at the person's reasons for bubbling up an issue: did they have a stake in the matter? since then, i have adjusted my evaluations to include what is their stake in the matter - or in other words, what impact does *my* behavior have on them and why would they care about it

Willow... ^^^ this... (well in my case more deep seated as we were married 26+ and I separated our finances and romance in anticipation of a divorce). late 50s, i moved into a house a few hours away from his and lo and behold with the gap, the romance re-blossomed and we are having some pretty hot interactions. i am pretty good shape and not (maybe) beautiful but attractive and take good care of myself. I think WM2's advice is good for that reason. Absence does make the heart grown fonder, or as one of my GFs used to say, "You don't miss the water 'til the well runs dry." Edited to add: the best fun thing is that NOW when I ask him for something I want, esp in bedroom, he complies immediately. I am in heaven!

uh-huh. agreed... he doesn't care because as long as there is someone to receive his D it doesn't matter which person receives it. he will just tell the one at the current address that they are the one he loves. easy peasey! omg i hope his kids are okay

WM2, spoken like a true eNotalone colleague. Thanks! I did jump a bit on the game aspect without considering humanity or applying compassion. Thanks again. Sunday, still hugs and hope you find the one.

Matter, sorry to hear you're still struggling with this man and his ex wife for - more than a year? When he moved out in January he exhibited the same behavior - no boundaries with ex, didn't respect you, refused to meet your needs. He doesn't sound like much of a prize. Why are you hanging on to someone who has been so consistently crappy to you for so long? What exactly are you getting out of this "relationship" besides drama and poor treatment?

lonelyone... ask yourself if it is worth swimming in a sea of lies and potentially drowning in them. Please rescue yourself. You are worth the world and don't let anyone tell you less.

^^^ spot on, Coily. I married a guy who had a young daughter and us BOTH being there for her growing up took precedence. The kids need all the adults (past, present, and future) to be on the same page for their healthiest outlook. Kids can never have too much love. sunday, bless you for being selfless with her child. Keep moving and you will find that person who will not only enhance your life, but the lives of your children as well (NOT replace their mother; rather be a "bonus" adult female in their lives that they can build their own relationship with). This competition thing Coily mentioned is not mature at all. You don't need another child (madam "i need my space") in the mix!

"Let me get mad at you for giving me what I asked for" might fall into the game category as well. Good luck!

It's (supposed to be) a two-way street, not a one-way. You said (my paraphrase/interpretation) she isn't putting into the relationship bank yet she is withdrawing at a rapid pace. That creates a deficit, one which is not easy to resolve unless both parties are fully committed. Perhaps you left out some other details regarding the ex partners, etc. because when the kids aren't open to a new person, that could be some influence from others, especially at that age. In any case her "I vant to be alone" sounds a bit like game-playing to me (seeing how much more you are willing to do to keep her around). If there is no harmony in your home when she's in orbit then it's best she find someone else to drive Miss Daisy when she's "too busy."

Give her the space she is requesting?

Gman, from the way you describe their relationship it sounds like an emotional affair - not physical. She may be keeping him on a string, breadcrumbing him with just enough to keep him hanging on, waiting in the wings, until she is done with you... In any case follow your instincts on this one, I think you are spot on with what you summarized above ^^^ Good luck!

14 pages... and still the "yes... but" answers 😞

This ^^^ Spot on!

OMG Andrina... this never even occurred to me but once I read what you wrote, it makes sense as a possibility. Considering he was "going to move" and then "postponed," it *is* possible this isn't his first rodeo. It might have been an escalation of his "panty drop protocol!" Wheredowegonow, regardless of what he is up to or not, the important thing is what do you want and need from a relationship, and what is the most expeditious route to having a quality local partner that is really into you 🙂 Kudos to you for taking your time and not falling for crumbs.

xxx, Fishing off the company pier never ends well, it seems. Best to conduct that type of business outside and far away from your job. Would be absolutely awful to get an unearned rep as the "office pump" because some hot shot got under your skirt and bragged about it at the water cooler. Or even worse, if you didn't let him and he still gave that impression. RUN!

Captain, there is a woman out there for you! You just need an independent person who has the right kind of busy: not-missing-you-too-bad-'cause-you'll-be-back-in-4-weeks-busy. Someone who is engrossed in their life, maybe their business or travel schedule, renovation projects, being a landlord, teaching, motivational speaking, overseas import export, etc. Someone who doesn't need you constantly around and who finds your FaceTime dates and lovey-dovey emails charming and sustainable no matter what time zones you can sneak them in. You need a non-clingy person. AND when you come home in between those 4-week trips she might have arranged her schedule to go hunting with you. And make deer sausage with you 🙂 I think it's wise, like WM2 always says, date local. I thought it was SO romantic that you were ready to get home and jet over to see her, you were so excited. She however obvs did not feel as appreciative and decided not to wait for you. The right woman will not only wait, she will wait with open arms and when you show up? Jerky you inside for a big smooch and show you her latest project! The bonus is you won't have to do all that driving if you find someone local, and all that saved time can be put into hunting, fishing, and smooching. Good luck Captain!

Thank you WM2! Yes it does seem like a sort of social anxiety... I've been working on so many other things that this is kind of near the end of my list so I haven't focused on it too much yet (but I'm getting there)! It's that uncomfortable feeling when the eyes and/or ears swing your way - not from someone you know and love or a good friend, but more like distant family members, far-flung colleagues, strangers. My knee-jerk reaction is deer in the headlights, want to disappear. Sometimes I can exit the feeling with a deep breath or two and force my focus on the present moment which gets me out of my head and into the NOW. People are rarely as judgemental or thinking about us as much as we think they are (!) Right? Part of giving great service is to acknowledge the regulars, remember their preferences, etc. I don't feel like you did at a coffee shop (I would write a letter to the manager about how great _____'s service is) but I totally connected to the feeling you described - like an inner shudder or cringe... even though I am foreign born I grew up in the US so that probably accounts for the difference in the catalyst for the uncomfortable feeling. I get it more at parties and in business meetings. In any case, kudos to you for coming here to discuss with your eNotalone peeps. The good news is, it's not fatal 😉 Hugs to you! ((((( ))))) PS totally not minimizing your experience, just wanted to inject some humor

Early in my relationship with husband (before marriage), he was doing boat deliveries as part of a crew. Sometimes he'd be gone for two months at a clip. (Giving away my age here) we didn't have cell phones or FaceTime so he'd call me from random pay phones or land lines in the Caribbean whenever they put into port. I was busy with my nascent career and so in love that it never even occurred to me to go out with someone else. So yah, agree with other posters, you dodged a bullet. Imagine if you upended your life and your dad's and then she stepped out. The universe is looking out for you, her jerky isn't destined for your tummy 😉

kim42, perhaps I am a bit similar. I can't stand when I become the focus of attention. It's not that I am not competent, intelligent, etc. but I don't like being the fulcrum. Doesn't matter if it's a business meeting, a family reunion, or a party. I just want to become part of the woodwork when the attention turns my way. In my case it's due to my upbringing. I was taught to be nothing, inconsequential, and ignored because my narcissistic parent was supposed to be the star of the show. When I get kudos or love vibes I go into hiding mode. Lots of therapy later, I am finally stepping into my own skin and owning it! So... YMMV I wish you all the best kim!

Right on, bolt! On an early date (30 years ago), we took an inexpensive bottle of champagne to the beach one night after dark. While we were lounging, a pregnant sea turtle lumbered out of the ocean. We froze so as not to scare her... and she crawled right past us to the dunes to lay her eggs. It was one of the most magical nights of my life for under $15. Wanderer, sorry you are pained by this but better now than after she drains you and tosses you aside for someone "who values her more" (code phrase for spends more money). You WILL find someone whose values are better aligned with yours and treats you back and forth in line with her income and yours, fairly.

so sorry for your loss... dearest Waffle 😞

Silver, reading your reference to your age, I was reminded of some friends that met and married (first time for both) in their fifties. They are still happily together 15 years later. Please don't accept poor treatment because you think you are "too old" to do better. There are a lot of good solid strategies here for meeting and dating. Your age can actually be an asset - a man in his forties not trailing an ex wife (or two) and children could be considered a rare and desirable bird! My grandmother used to say "there's a cover for every pot." Just because you haven't found yours yet doesn't mean she doesn't exist!