So me and my bf got together over the summer(so relationship timeline is about 7 months now). At the beginning we both agreed that we didn't want a relationship. At the time, my ex had moved in with me because he couldn't afford where he was staying so I agreed but I made him pay me ever week to stay. During this, I met my now bf. I did lie about who my ex was to him because I was being stupid listening to one of my homegirls at the time. So over the months the ex that stayed was gone in like 2 weeks of me meeting my now bf. We started out as "partners in crime". I was talking to who I wanted to && vice versa. Eventually feelings got involved and we tried for a relationship but I just couldnt let my past go. I was still keeping old flings around && that was causing problems. I finally started cutting people off because it was causing major problems but there were still a couple that kept reaching out. I would talk to them but it never went any further than that. I've been going through phases of depression since July with other personal stuff going on but it also had to do with me still lying but getting caught. We've been going through this back and forth thing where we would break up && come back in like a week time at the most. Now I've been really working on change for myself because after hearing all the things he says about how I did him before, I've been very depressed because I've been hurting the person that says they love && I don't want to be like that anymore... I've been blocking people from my past because I'm working on change and self love and stuff like that because I just feel so worthless and nasty and anything else that u would consider self hate about myself, but my bf doesn't believe anything I say because I've been like the boy crying wolf to the point now that he doesn't believe me when I say I'm changing. I don't want to give up on this because it's never been bad days through the whole ordeal and he's really the only person I know that points out my bull*** when it's bull*** but now that I've been on this journey of self he don't believe me. I've been so depressed && he thinks I'm just playing victim now when I real deal be having something going on. I'm at the point now that I don't even feel like I can express myself without being told my words are bull*** or get sarcastic responses. He says he loves me and now that we where we at he says that there is really nothing that I could do that would make him leave. I love him but is it really worth losing myself completely?? Please help me!!
So me and my bf got together over the summer(so relationship timeline is about 7 months now). At the beginning we both agreed that we didn't want a relationship. At the time, my ex had moved in with me because he couldn't afford where he was staying so I agreed but I made him pay me ever week to stay. During this, I met my now bf. I did lie about who my ex was to him because I was being stupid listening to one of my homegirls at the time. So over the months the ex that stayed was gone in like 2 weeks of me meeting my now bf. We started out as "partners in crime". I was talking to who I wanted to && vice versa. Eventually feelings got involved and we tried for a relationship but I just couldnt let my past go. I was still keeping old flings around && that was causing problems. I finally started cutting people off because it was causing major problems but there were still a couple that kept reaching out. I would talk to them but it never went any further than that. I've been going through phases of depression since July with other personal stuff going on but it also had to do with me still lying but getting caught. We've been going through this back and forth thing where we would break up && come back in like a week time at the most. Now I've been really working on change for myself because after hearing all the things he says about how I did him before, I've been very depressed because I've been hurting the person that says they love && I don't want to be like that anymore... I've been blocking people from my past because I'm working on change and self love and stuff like that because I just feel so worthless and nasty and anything else that u would consider self hate about myself, but my bf doesn't believe anything I say because I've been like the boy crying wolf to the point now that he doesn't believe me when I say I'm changing. I don't want to give up on this because it's never been bad days through the whole ordeal and he's really the only person I know that points out my bull*** when it's bull*** but now that I've been on this journey of self he don't believe me. I've been so depressed && he thinks I'm just playing victim now when I real deal be having something going on. I'm at the point now that I don't even feel like I can express myself without being told my words are bull*** or get sarcastic responses. He says he loves me and now that we where we at he says that there is really nothing that I could do that would make him leave. I love him but is it really worth losing myself completely?? Please help me!!