spinstermanquee

If he wanted a second date he would have made one. I'd cool it with the texts because that's not dating or even any proof of interest. Just assume he is not available any more or he is dating someone else. Don't keep flirting or friendzone yourself. HE doesn't *deserve* your company or flattery since you are not dating. YOU *deserve* a fully interested person who will make plans for the second date either during or shortly after the first one, not leave you dangling.

Questions: What would it take for you to trust someone to watch your kids? What about if you gave someone a tryout while you were at home the whole time? Like, a dry run? Edited to add: of course, *after* they pass all your other criteria like background, skill set, character, etc.

It is, Rdunsany. It's unfortunate the written word can be so easily misconstrued. I can tell you with certainty though, all the folks who regularly contribute on this forum do so out of a true desire to help their fellow beings. So if there is more than one way to take a response, please try them all on 🙂 My heart goes out to you, I don't have any suggestions, only questions, but I can say it sounds like you feel back-burnered. If I may ask, what is the reason you two decided to wait until the kids leave the nests before moving in? I agree it sounds like a long time to stay apart. I also wonder if living together might mean you both will have more support and less road time... how many children are there total? Would living together mean a new home together (a large undertaking with all those other things)?

In my family we have an agreement that gifts are for kids. I do have a nephew that stopped sending thank you notes as soon as he was out from under his father's watchful eye, but he was also hitting 18 so stopping sending coincided with that time frame. I would send to the kids even if the parents don't say thank you. I think once they get old enough to ask about their aunties and uncles they will also be interacting with you for family events and your name will be burned in their brain. When I was a kid I always appreciated (even that faraway uncle or aunt) receiving news (yes back then we wrote snail mail letters) and bonus, a gift! Whether it was money or something else. YMMV.

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) Your marriage is not unraveling, not YOURS. You may be going through something where you desperately need some ADULT time and your eyes are bugging out, haha. Again, kudos to the hubs for getting you 🙂 Happens to the best of us... will message you

^^^Wiseman always has good from-a-man pointers. I don't know if I am know any good not-from-a-man pointers for you, but I'll share a few ideas, YMMV (and if I say the same thing as Wiseman, it's because.stuff.repeats). Caveat: I am a 50s woman who may suggest really old-fashioned things! - No pickup artists need apply. Biggest turnoff in the world is to hear a cheesy line, know you are meat on a string -any person worth their salt will turn away this kind of behavior - Care for Yourself. Pay extra attention to your appearance, speaking, and posture in all areas of your life. Work, gym, grocery store. Doesn't mean you cannot go out salty in your beach gear for lunch (which some might find attractive) just means be aware of your presentation, pleasant demeanor, mind your manners. You can be a disheveled and sweaty from working or a workout, but hair, clothes, teeth, overall grooming still shine through. - Learn how to make at least ONE dish well with sides so you can eventually invite your date to enjoy your cooking and cater to them, a very big turnon - Involve yourself with activities that give you satisfaction and joy on another level other than what you might observe others doing. Does it give you great joy to get up at 5 a.m. and jog? Watch the sunrise? Create a patio experience for sunset in your home? Cook for dinner guests? Plan events? You get the idea 😉 - BE PRESENT each and every moment, enjoy good life and laugh at bad life, but please stay present to follow your head and heart. GO, toiletmaster (really? couldn't you have picked a better name, lol)

Sad to hear what you are going through, swilliams. Are you aware that your circular reasoning has caused (I'm sure a few more than just) me to question the veracity of your story? It's hard to feel connected to a story that feels... so disconnected from reality. In any case, I wish you help and hope for your situation. -spin

Aww... mylo, thanks for reaching out to us (even though you really don't need our opinions and input, we are here to support you when you wantarant 😉 ) You are right she is not a bad person but she *is* exhibiting bad behavior and I commend your hubster for chatting with her about it. She is not acting like a right grandma, and neither is his dad acting like a right grandpa. My dad was all about picking up the grandkids from school when parents weren't available (not mine I lived in a diff state) but my nieces and nephews were all given gold star status. They even took the kids on vacation when the parents needed space (yes, I am a believer that even parents need a bit of space some times to go off and do adult things once the kids get older). So please don't feel guilty. It sounds like hubby knows the score. This isn't a big thing to ask. When you narrow down "watching the kids" to "showing up at a specific time for a 5-min thing" and someone cannot offer up an honest/accurate response, (IMVHO) their agenda is much more about disrespect and control than about "I really wanna do this thing cause I llllllooooovvvvveeee my grandkids so please mama agree to my loose timeframe just this one time. Next time I'll do cosplay at 8 sharp after dinner if that's what the kiddos want."

Now that you introduced business (and a carrot!) into the equation, and some questionable ethics, I would like to withdraw my encouragement to date her. She is a colleague and a potential source of income in future. The persistence on accepting the work might be cultural (possibly you are expected to refuse a number of times before accepting) and she might also not be taking those guidelines seriously since she had her own business - not excusing her willingness to break the rules, just looking at why she was willing. You absolutely did the right thing by waiting until you are certified to take on therapy work. Best of luck to you jul-els 🙂

Behind closed doors is another story 😉

^^^ This. I was on the brink of divorce not long ago and one of my notions about my husband's character was that he wasn't assertive enough in our relationship. Through some pretty intense therapy I realized I was being a big ole ball breaker! And my therapist also led me to understand that I don't really WANT the man to be in charge (like society seems to think is apropos), I like being in charge. And isn't it wonderful that my husband just loves me sooooo much that he puts himself in service to me like he does. So I chose to change the way I viewed our roles in the relationship and accept his character... Not saying that's what is happening with you, but it's worth taking a look at it.

hereforawhile, don't know all the details but if you are exhausted by justifying taking such minimal space for yourself like shopping with your mother you may be partnered with a jealous maniac. I had one such relationship where I could not even go grocery shopping without the guy suspecting stuff. When it started out, it just seemed like normal "guy so into me wants to be with me all the time," then it morphed into "guy all up in my business all the time," until I just wanted to be freakin' ALONE. He was slowly choking the freedom out of me and my life, stealing my agency. It was so insidious, it crept up so slowly, by the time I realized he was monitoring me electronically 24/7 it was two years in. I hope, *if* this is the kind of thing you are dealing with, that you will take back your space and life and not waste any more time with a control freak. You sound like a strong and independent woman who does not need a partner who wants to keep his woman under his thumb at all times. The man I wound up with is the one who trusts me implicitly, never questions me or complains if I go off with friends or family on shopping trips (or international trips for that matter), and doesn't expect a daily update on what I was doing where and with whom. Good luck and lots of hugs, my dear.

Translation: I don't like you, so go away and only come around when I booty call you - until I find someone I do like, then you'll never hear from me again.

When I first met my now husband he did not speak English or my secondary language and I did not speak his primary language but the chemistry was undeniable - for me, off the charts. I say... if you are really into her GO FOR IT! Start studying Vietnamese (at least learn please, thank you, excuse me, counting, etc.) - or perhaps she has another language like French that you could use to bridge over. Learn about her cultural mores and how to show respect, nonverbal communication (like hand gestures and which ones to avoid). There are also many activities you can do that bring communication through body language and shared experiences - a boat ride, walks, art shows. Spoken language, with all the accents and pronunciation, is sometimes more difficult than written - you said she does okay with texts so maybe you can initially use an electronic translator (faster than paper dictionary)? If you are capable of trying without getting frustrated or impatient then you are well placed to undertake such an exciting prospect! Keep your sense of humor by your side at all times 🙂 Best of luck, jul-els!

Wise words, Tinydance. Comforting hugs to Mandy.

You said so yourself that FWB isn't a relationship. So *if* he is FWB with her too then he is not cheating... in any case you might want to carefully monitor your birth control and STD exposure, and maybe find another FWB who doesn't have an insta-family living with him. Better yet, why not find a guy who wants to be a real boyfriend, just the two of you in a relationship?

Sounds like you're handling it organically as things unfurl... you will know when the time is right mamma keep following your instincts 🙂

Is that someone he trusts possibly another romance? Seems kind of sudden with no major issues cropping up over the years... In any case sorry this is happening. Your children are at a tender age and will need you to show a strong front for them. Hopefully you can get a support system in place for yourself to keep that strength going. Sorry family is so far away - do you have girlfriends, a good therapist, outside interests with the children, exercise and fresh air, etc? ((((hugs))))

^^ This. Who likes being second choice? He likes her but he's settling for you. You deserve better.

Mandyyy_... I unfortunately was with a toxic man many years ago who I made the poor choice of admitting my checkered past to. While I was not the same woman any more, he was a crazy jealous guy and was never going to leave the past in the past. He questioned/interrogated me, monitored my communication electronically, snooped in my journals, you name it he did it. I finally managed to cut ties and get out from under his thumb. The guy was NOT end game material. You know who turned out to be? The guy I told (after we got close) that he had a 30-minute window to ask me anything he wanted about my past and I would answer. My "number", anything dicey I ever did, etc. and after that window closed and I never would talk about it again. Know what? He didn't want to know anything... he said [paraphrased] the woman I was that day was made up of all my past experiences and he wouldn't change a thing because that's the woman I love. I married that guy, 25+ years ago. Yes, ups and downs but we're still together. He gave me his TRUST. Know what? I valued that gift so much that I wouldn't, couldn't do anything to violate it. That is such a huge feeling 🙂 I wish it for you some day. It doesn't matter you did some dicey things. Part of growing up 😉 But anyone who will punish you for a learning experience is a jerk, period. You deserve better. P.S. Imagine if you told him you shoplifted some candy from the store when you were 12 but you felt so horrible you never did it again. How would you feel if every time you were in the candy store he watched you like a hawk? Or if your neighbor got burgled and he lifted his eyebrow at you? Every time something went wrong in the house he blamed you or brought up the shoplifting incident? Jeez, enough is enough! People get to move on.

Seraphim, sending love and light your way.. Look forward to hearing the "all clear!" Sounds like you are pretty thinly stretched right now, please don't forget to take some "you" time, even if it's only 10 minutes here and there... <3<3<3

How about proceeding quietly to your seat and do your own prep for class when you arrive early? This way you're respecting his pre-class time and you get your own stuff teed up and ready to go 🙂

Blue, as long as your new friend has no agenda and things unfurl naturally, please enjoy. Age gaps are irrelevant and a great way to expand your view of the world. There is always something new to learn!

Hmmokay, reformed ballbreaker here... I caused a lot of pain in my 25+ year marriage by not realizing how I was negatively affecting the connection to my husband, by not honoring or recognizing his love for me. I took him for granted, and my overall attitude was that our issues were due to a lack on his part. I originally started therapy to work through the divorce - and in the process realized our issues were mostly on my part (!) - still attending and still trying to be a better person, every day. He has made efforts too. It does not sound like your wife is caring about your feelings and does not see a harmonious relationship as a goal - being willing to look at her part of the equation. Like the pillars of the community here always say, people move towards pleasure and away from pain - she seems to enjoy being in the critical space with you as the bad guy with her as the innocent injured party. It's never all on one person in a relationship, there are usually two sides. But she does sound over the top with her monetary expectations and putting you in the wrong. I hope there is a way to peace for you both...

Totally agree w/Batya. Additionally, please do not allow children to decide your living situation. As I am sure you already know, adulting involves difficult decisions that won't satisfy everyone in real life. Your wife sounds like more than one foot is out the door as it is, please support her in that choice. She is modeling bad behavior for your kids who will then, the longer this continues, expect that it's how relationships work.