spinstermanquee

If you're saying she's cut you off by being at her mother's side... that doesn't seem thoughtful or generous... being her rock means she can trust you to stand down while she takes care of business, that you won't abandon her because you don't feel like a priority during this tough time for her and her mom. That when she comes up for air, you will be there, providing support and cheering her on

Sounds like her priorities are spot on. One of my good friend's moms died from one of those. Gosh I hope she's going to be okay. The focus on her mom's health and recovery is understandable. Sometimes we have to "back burner" ourselves when important life stuff happens in SERVICE of the relationship, not because we're not important. When my FIL was in the hospital with noone-knew-what, we were afraid he would not make it, I got busy making flight arrangements for my man, no way was I going to let him miss a minute by FIL's side, especially if it was his time. Good luck Steve, this is part of growing up.

If someone tells you they aren't good enough for you, please listen to them and behave accordingly, unless you want to be their savior/martyr etc.

Wow, guyguy. That is a big ole sea of lies to be swimming in without a life vest or raft (something of truth or substance to cling to). Choose to stay, you know what will happen, right? You.deserve.better. The only person that can deliver that better to you is YOU. Keeping my hopes up for you guyguy 🙂

It sounds like... he is cancelling the things where he might have to pay or chip in $? And would rather stay inside at your place? Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, but it's an awfully low effort toward you, Alex. It takes a lot more thought and effort to find fun and free or low cost events to enjoy together in this early time when folks are enthusiastic about each other and funds are low 🙂 Is it possible he told you his tale of woe to elicit sympathy and to gauge how much or little you were willing to accept from a potential partner? Another option, which someone mentioned earlier, is he's being flaky b/c he might be keeping his options open or have his eye on another lass while trying to lock it down with you (on YOUR side). The old have cake and eat too. That flat tire was kind of the last (3rd?) excuse that made the others look as lame. I hope I'm wrong in not having too much hope for this guy... will save my hope for you my dear!

Vesp, you deserve so much more than a dude who lies and sneaks around. Giving him permission b/c your libidos don't match won't do anything except ramp up the flagrant cheating and sneaking and maybe even put it right in your face. Cheaters have more fun lying and sneaking around, fooling someone else, believing they can have their cake and eat it too in their ugly one-way-street selfish secrecy. You seem like someone who really wants to live their best life in truth and peace, unburdened by complications. The best way to get there is to release this buffoon ("the burden") and live your authentic, regret-free-life-Vesp-always-wanted. Eventually (or sooner) you will run into someone whose outlook more closely matches your own, whose standards for truth and harmonious living dovetail, who doesn't feel the need to rub up against every passing D, and who will generously share the love you deserve on that two-way street.

Alex, I have to admit the first thing I thought when he invited you to the Saturday party that "might or might not have +1s," I thought "he is covering b/c he is waiting for someone else to RSVP and will cancel with Alex if/when she says yes." Then when he canceled for "guys' night," same thing. Then he canceled a cancellation with an excuse made me think "SHE (the first choice) canceled or flaked." Now if I got any of this wrong feel free to toss my humble opinion to the side! It just seemed fishy to me, but that's my take and only YOU know what the actual situation is since you're in it IRL. In any case, glad to hear you had a nice evening with him, please enjoy your time, and know that you deserve to be FIRST choice, ALWAYS 🙂

On behalf of all the future women in this lovely man's life, I beg you to never bring this up... you might cause irreparable damage. I'm sure he's had some commentary in his life already, don't join THAT crowd. Rise above and spread love and acceptance into the universe, don't sow seeds of doubt and insecurity. Confession time: there was ONE SINGLE TIME in my life when I went there (in my twenties). This guy I dated who seemed SO hot for me and pursued me like... well, fire. I slept with him and he turned out to be a selfish a-hole with no concern for my enjoyment. No followup, no flowers like I was used to in those old single days. Two months later he deigned to call me for another date and I declined. He then proceeded to pester me and insist I tell him WHY I declined. So yeah I went there and told him his equipment was lacking. Not proud of myself but since it's ancient history I hope my story might help another.

This x 1000 LOL. One long ago dude thought he was God's gift to women. Only men judge each other by the size of their wieners!

^^ I think this is spot on. Here are some old timey platitudes for you, Speca2, from an old timer 😉 It is great she left such a great impression on you, and that you learned something from this (strike while the iron is hot). Next time you like a girl woman (sorry, outdated me) I'm sure you will let her know sooner (he who hesitates is lost). You'll also be more upfront (fortune favors the bold). On another note, not sure where you received the message "no way she will like me" but that's what I would start with if you have the wherewithal to find and work with a good therapist. This single mantra you repeat to yourself (translated: "I'm not worthy") will do more damage in ALL areas of your life, not just with girls women. Somehow the real you, the good you, the worthy you, has be coaxed outside to play in the world. He is in there, I guarantee you!!! WM2 referenced social anxiety, which seems worth looking into. If you cannot afford therapy and do not have insurance, you might be able to find someone that would work with you according to your income. Also please don't overlook eating good food, exercising, self help books and research, and getting fresh air and family/friend time. Those are always good supporting players for a better outlook. Good luck Speca2 🙂

I think if you just go with the flow, don't say anything, he will eventually relax and lighten up, and get the memo that he doesn't have to compensate, he is great for you AS HE IS. Mentioning ANYTHING about a guy's Achilles can be tricky, so best to just pretend you didn't notice and give the big smiles, hugs, and kisses about what a giving and wonderful lover he is.

It sounds to me like you've got a fine man there who cares about you very much. There are so many fun and sexy things to do behind closed doors that you're not stuck with just one position or activity. Size in and of itself isn't a dealbreaker, at least not for me. I like your description of his eagerness to please! There are always toys or acting out fantasies to extend your current repertoire.

You said originally you moved to MN for *her* school for 2 years. (Wild guess) she may feel like she owes you one and is ready to break up to not have to do you a solid back. Do you feel like she owes you more weight on deciding the next move since you put aside your life for her these past two years? Just curious...

Rose, seems like he wants her more than he wants you, but he is willing to keep you around as a "side piece." He basically wants to cheat on her with you behind his gf's back.

Dear Jenny, sorry you are experiencing this. Hope you will heed all the good feedback above. Hugs - Spin

^^ this. Tree frogs are not a widely known, common pet. If my best friend asked me to take care of her frogs, I might hesitate unless I first had a full blown education about them, knew all the pitfalls and gotchas, and spent quite a bit of time ("test runs") prior to her departure to gain confidence that I could handle anything that comes up. It's a large responsibility to take care of someone's pets, especially an uncommon type - and more than one. Size doesn't matter. I would want to know several sources of food for them (in case one pet store was out I'd want backup choices, hopefully close by my residence). I would want to know all about their health and have backup plans A, B, and C in case of issues. I would feel SO horrible if anything happened and I wasn't able to address the situation. Imagine me telling my best friend her frogs died while she was gone. I don't know if I could handle it, and the fact that it could possibly destroy our friendship just adds to the list of cons. But that's just me. Good luck my dear, hope you find a solution that works for everyone, most especially your pets 🙂

Longtime married and much older than you Massey. My purse is my sacred place. My husband has never gone in it unless I specifically asked him to. There is nothing in there that could embarrass or shame me, but it's MY hallowed ground, organized exactly as I like it and no other hands besides mine should rummage. As for the phone, if he could remember my passcode 😉 haha Seriously, if he wanted to go through my phone I would think he was off his rocker. I've never gone through his "snooping" or for any other reason. No need. If he suddenly asked me to look at my phone I'd log it in and hand it to him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for the good explanation to follow. If he was acting shady I wouldn't look at his phone, I'd talk to him about what he's up to. Also if I asked to look at his phone for whatever reason, he'd probably hand it straight to me without hesitation (yes I know his passcode by heart, lol, so wouldn't need him to log it in for me). When you know you're with the right person it just seems natural and you don't have to snoop or ask test questions. Yes, you might have to have boundaries - I remember telling my then-boyfriend early on about the "purse territory" but that's not the same as trust issues. Let's hope this "debate" ends in a positive way for all three of the Masseys, lol.

Gotta throw in another one behind Cherylyn's excellent selections: "Birds that flock together become of the same feather." You continue to keep company with those that you disrespect, you become dis-respectable...

doctor friend messed it up, not you

I can tell you this about trust: nothing feels so good as to have the solid trust of your partner. In my 25+ year relationship, I was given carte blanche. My job has always involved heavy business travel and if I was a jerk I could have had (when I was a younger lass, haha) a side piece in every city I traveled to. But my husband granted me this huge, solid trust, and there was nothing I would ever dare do to abuse or damage that trust... I value that so much from the beginning to now. But that is only one aspect of relationship trust. There is not just keeping one's vows, there is keeping one's word (promises), obligations (chores/duties/homework), having your partner's six (pitching in to protect them, looking out for danger), and so many more. If you're a good match in most things then as someone above said, you can overlook the more minor lacks, hey no one is perfect. Examples: if my husband always paid the bills on time, was kind a good household task contributor, but cheated on me that would be a deal-breaker. If he was faithful, kind, and a good household task contributor, but he couldn't manage to pay the bills on time, then I would take over that task. YMMV. Hugs!

Okay, I'll bite. Old married straight lady here who has had gay friends since a preteen. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of trust to fill the frame of the man you will become, regardless of sexual orientation. While things in the world have improved, it's still a scary proposition for any young person to declare themselves. Given the right support and love, the young person can grow into their skin and feel good about their identity. But it's a process, a journey, not something you can snap your fingers or wave that HP magic wand and everything a-ok. Sometimes, you have to wear camouflage to fit in - and breeders have to do this too - so just please develop your friends who support you no matter what, discard those you do not trust, and give yourself and others the time to figure out their lives. In the meantime, big hugs from a momster who would love their children regardless of orientation ❤️

^^ I love this! Charlie, you probably already have helped someone else! There are tons of lurkers on the boards that read about a similar situation and use the advice to improve theirs. Hugs to you and keep workin' it, let yourself shine 🙂 ❤️

Yep, take care of that fabulous Charlie. So what, you let your shine dim a bit while you were busy taking care of others and sacrificing for future? It's never too late for a little self care / boundary building / getting to know yourself better. And if babes are in the cards for you two, being relaxed and satisfied with your own life may even contribute to making them! You got this!

Charlie, I encourage you to follow some of the excellent advice offered up here, especially getting an evaluation of your overall health (one of WM2's staples, hehe). In my own longterm marriage (25+ years) I fell into "trying to do it all" and "people pleasing" behavior (agreeing to something I really didn't want to do in order to please someone). This is eminently unsatisfying and actually detrimental to a love relationship. People can lose love and respect for a doormat (not saying that is your case, just saying humans tend to do this). Also in long term relationships folks stop courting each other and drift apart (I got them now, I don't have to work for it any more kinda thing). What's important isn't that it happens, it's normal, it's how you respond to it and what you decide to do about it. Some people get unhappy and go out and have affairs. Some people self-medicate. Some people have other kinds of bad behavior that renders the union untenable. You don't seem there yet, thank goodness. The thrust of my message is really to start living YOUR life, examining YOUR passions - (often while we are busy living our best lives our spouse turns around and says "Huh, love seeing her fired up about ____!") It *is* possible to get the close connection back, but in the meantime you have to get busy taking care of YOU. Pamper yourself - not saying go drop a grand on a spa day, but a bath bomb, hair masque, give yourself a mani-pedi (hey all that counter wiping tends to chip up the nails, lol) plenty of low cost ways to treat yourself like the queen that you are. Just because you are saving for a house doesn't mean you have to live like a churchmouse. If your husband's gym membership is an investment in his health, perhaps you could do a yoga class once or twice a week for yours. No conversations or best buddies required (one of the reasons I love yoga). Most important, no matter what you do, don't shut yourself inside 4 walls and wait for him to come home. That energy is being transmitted and it's not helpful to either one of you.

Maybe it's not the quantity of the time, but rather the quality of the time you spend together. I'm sure the 4 years living with your mother shifted some of the newlywed behaviors into more routine or modest interactions. From your description of your husband's recent behaviors, it seems like moving out from your mom's freed up some time for him. Did he mow the lawn, do household repairs, stuff like that while you guys lived there? And if so, did that play any part in him wanting to live independently/apart? The tone of your writing conveys (to me, at least) some loneliness and longing. How can you reconnect with your husband without your need pushing him away? How, besides tidying and cleaning, can you turn that former "waiting for the hubs" time into "enjoying my life" time? (Charlie we can only wipe down the counters so many times before the OCD monikers start cropping up, haha.) Besides the husband, what does Charlie enjoy? Let's get some more of that, please... he may be your biggest source of pleasure and affection, but he should not be the only one. Those are big shoes to fill for even the most loving of spouses...