Vesp

We had a conversation last night and he said he feels rejected and that I must find him repulsive as I "want to go out and f*** random strangers", and he started to cry. I said that it was only a suggestion and a last resort to save our relationship due to trying pretty much everything else. He continued to blame me for all the difficulties we have with sex (i.e me not telling him clearly/exactly what I want during sex). I told him that I have not done anything and we were only having a conversation about the possibility of having an open relationship, which I said he is the one who has done things in relation to messaging people in the past. He said those meant nothing and that he would never do anything/meet them. I was pretty much backed into a corner as nothing I was saying he was acknowledging, and he kept repeating that I "want to go out and f*** random strangers". I started to cry as I began talking about that every time we have sex I can't help but think about everything he has done in terms of messaging others, including his ex, in particular him telling him he loves him more than me. He then gave me a hug and stopped blaming me for everything. Today he is walking around and talking to me as if nothing has happened. I'm not sure whether his goal was to make me feel bad and for me to break down in tears, hence why he is now back to normal. I know that our relationship is unhealthy, and should be ended. Reading the advise/replies from yesterday has definitely helped me move forward in my mind towards coming to the realisation that I need to end the relationship - I just hope I can do it sometime soon.

I've found that exercise is helping me in terms of my mindset etc - I joined the gym this week and it has helped me to have a focus outside of work. I may also meet some new people there. 🙂 Thank you for this - we all need someone who will tell you how it is and not beat around the bush! I don't think he believes that texting/messaging others in a sexual manner is cheating, however I would say it is. If you're not willing to show your OF, and know if they were to know what you were doing they would not be happy, then you're up to something questionable. However, I do feel as though the situation I have got myself into I have myself to blame to some degree. Blame in the sense of feeling trapped in my current situation due to letting it go on and on and on. It is difficult because I don't think it has happened for nearly 2 years now regarding messaging others. Regardless, I don't trust him and never will, and i'm fairly certain it won't be last time it happens. There is something in me which is waiting for it to happen again which will essentially lock in my decision to leave, and it will feel justified. I feel as though I can't use what has happened nearly 2 years ago (though on and off repeatedly before that) as a reason to leave. I do hope I develop the courage to leave before then. I like your message about living and learning - I hope in my next relationship, whenever that may be, I am able to act quicker if I feel something is not right.

In hindsight, I should never have started up the relationship again when we had the first break as I didn't trust him way back then. I agree I need to work on myself, and I don't believe I can do that in my current relationship. Many thanks for your advise. 🙂

Thank you, definitely some things to think about. It's funny you mention stomach acid - I get heartburn most days, and even have a hiatus hernia!! Thank you for the advise. 🙂

Hi - many thanks for your reply. I do believe it is a fear of being alone as you said, with a combination of not having many people in my life. In terms of what you said regarding having increased feelings of anxiety if he were to have sex with others due to having an open relationship - I don't have any anxieties around him doing this, it's more so resentment and bitterness that I wouldn't be able to do this to him currently, yet he is happy to do this to me (regarding talking to others in a sexual way). I have the questions of 'why don't I just talk to other guys if he is doing it?'. Though as said in OP, I am the bad person according to him for even suggesting this, despite him previously doing somewhat of what an open relationship would entail. I have considered seeking mental health support, however have not pursued this due to long waiting lists. I work in mental health myself, which is ironic considering my situation! I have always been terrible at taking my own advise. Though none of us are perfect and we all have our own internal struggles.

I am a gay male and have been with my partner for 7 years (16 year age gap - 29 & 45). Before I go into the problem that I am seeking advice on, i'll give some background to our relationship. We met online and I had not been with anyone sexually until meeting him. 3 months into the relationship he was still on the dating app that we met on, whereby I confronted him about this and he said he had deleted it following this conversation. Fast forward another 3 months and he was still on the dating app, and I therefore ended things there and then. However, he denied he was on the app and said it was an ex impersonating him (which I don't believe). We got back together approximately a week later. For the next 5 years he has had on and off conversations with guys on social media/text/dating apps of a sexual nature - one of which was his ex, whereby the most crushing thing he said to him was that he loved him more than me. He said he was messing with him and leading him on because he hurt him in the past (which I again don't believe). I ended things (which was about 5 years from the previous break up) however we got back together approximately 2 weeks later. From then I don't believe he has messaged anyone (which has been almost 2 years). Some time in all of this I know he has met someone in person that he has a history with for 'work', however that is as much as I know about it. In all the situations, he somehow initially spins it to something I have done which has led him to do what he has done, for example not making him feel wanted or sexually desirable. I have always stood my ground (i.e stating all the things I do to show I want him), whereby after a few days of failing to convince me I am to blame, he somewhat takes responsibility for his actions. Fast forward to the present - I have asked him to have an open relationship, whereby on the back of this he is 'very hurt and upset' with me and is blanking me when walking around the house. We've had issues with sex for about 4 years, whereby sex usually leads to something going wrong/me not doing what he wants and it leading to a dispute. I can't say for certain why this is but I am thinking I have some sort of mental block due to everything that has happened. I am happy in every other aspect of our relationship - he treats me well outside of all of this, and has never been physically abusive. He has asked me what I could possibly get from other people regarding sex that I can't get from him, though the bottom line is that we are rarely having sex. We keep having the same conversations that are always initiated by me regarding what we can do to make sex work, however it always ends the same way with it not working. I have remained completely exclusive for the entire 7 years, whereby I haven't even spoke to any other guy in a sexual way, though I am apparently the bad person in all of this for suggesting an open relationship. The reason I am posting on this forum is because I have no close friends and I have very little family, and I would rather not talk to them about it. The obvious answer is to just leave, however I have severe anxiety that is debilitating both mentally and physically, which I why I have got back together with him on both the occasions we have broke up. My worry is that another 7 years will pass and I will regret staying, however that is not something I can do mentally at this moment. I am also someone that fears feeling regret, and I worry if I leave I would regret it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.