spinstermanquee

SnoopKitten, I can't help but think there is so much more to this. Judging from your other posts, you have some serious trauma that you haven't healed from yet. SO much to handle for someone so young. If I were your parent, I would make sure you got top quality physical and mental health care, maybe even an extended stay somewhere away from all potential romantic relationships (I would start by going on a big ole girls' trip to a spa somewhere far far away where we would bond and come up with a healing plan). You could probably stand some self care, self love, and self acceptance. Flirting with randoms or fighting with bfs over their jealousy of friends or fwbs is just a distraction from the stuff that really matters: you and your life, what is best for you in the long run (not just what feels good this second or minute). But... since I'm not your parent, the only thing I can offer you is my experience/tale of woe: I was raped more than once in my youth, and it scarred me tremendously. In the aftermath, I did not treat myself with value, I allowed others to use me, and I degraded myself because I believed somehow I deserved the treatment (and didn't have an adequately healthy support system at that time to persuade me otherwise). I did not feel worthy. It took a long time, and a lot of therapy, to learn to trust again. And I still struggle with self worth, even closing in on 60. But all that self work gave me an amazing career, a wonderful husband of 25+ years (yes, even tho we are in the middle of a divorce I am still proud of our long run, and a lovely independent and fulfilled offspring). SnoopKitten, I urge you to start thinking about who and how you want to be in the future, what your dreams are (independent of any relationship) for your life ahead, what matters to YOU. Start to focus on those. Get counseling and a healthy support system, stat. Like many others said, block anyone who tries to change your mind about things you firmly believe. Learn to set and enforce boundaries. Get meaningful work. I sincerely hope you accept our suggestions in the spirit in which they are meant, which is with love and caring for another being. You came to the right place... a bunch of whisperers here... <3<3<3

She may have been truthful about not wanting to put in the time for dating, it sounds like she has a lot on her plate right now. Rather than stringing you along or continue with the difficult scheduling, she did the right thing and nipped it in the bud. After 30 days on a dating site I sunsetted my profile because I realized I wasn't as ready to date as I thought. I had met 3 men and although they were all quite nice, good looking, educated, etc. I couldn't muster any enthusiasm. This led me to reflect on exactly where I was in my healing journey, which is not far enough! I didn't abuse the app, I just overestimated my readiness (WM2's hilarious nanosecond explanation). So I told the truth and bowed out as gracefully as I could. I sure didn't want to hurt anyone. silver19, you sound like a pretty nice, considerate person and I'm sure there will be plenty of nice ladies out there ready to date and appreciate you. Good luck out there!

onthego, I've had two MILs. The first one was critical, judgemental, and always had something to say about my mode of dress, my jewelry, even the length of my fingernails. The second one was a coach, a support, and pretty much the MIL love of my life. If I could have ordered one from a catalog, I could not have picked better. I ***want*** to have an amazing relationship with my MIL no matter who I am married to. I want to honor the woman who gave life to the man I am married to. For whatever reason, she has gotten some signals from you and/or others that she is not "inside." YOU have the power to change it. My humble suggestion would be to cultivate (no big effort, just a gentle slow approach) a commonality. I was into cooking and so was my MIL v2. I asked her about her cooking methods, tried to learn from her, and she was very open and generous with her advice. She also was a language coach to me, and schooled me in grammar and idiomatic expressions of their culture. The gifts I received from her could in no way diminish the fact that I am in the middle of a divorce from her son. I still love her SO much. She gave with both hands open and welcomed me as a daughter, teaching and sharing. Perhaps it was because she had only sons and the testosterone was overwhelming! I was the only foreign DIL but I suspect that might have added to our bond... no matter what happens moving forward I will always love and appreciate her. I actually think I am closer to her than the other DILs because I revere her in a way they do not. Good luck! i hope she is capable of understanding that you DO want a positive relationship and it can only enhance all aspects of your family bonds - son, daughter, wife, husband, mother, father. You cannot go wrong with love <3<3<3

coolgirl, there are a number of reasons one would retain the last name of ex: 1) continuity for children - fewer questions at school and doctors and AIRPORTS because they are all on the lookout for kids being trafficked 2) ease of pronunciation (especially if one's maiden name is unpronounceable in most markedly, the US where folks think US English is king and don't bother to learn the proper spelling and pronunciations of foreign names) 3) financial considerations when trying to get former name restored, it's more expensive than just keeping it and moving along As for me, I tried to use my married name, failed miserably, so I have most everything under my maiden. However, I was hassled repeatedly at airports when my daughter was 8-16 and we traveled every summer. I still have to petition to get "my" name back in addition to divorce, plus I have to repeat in foreign country. There are a lot of reasons to not change one's name back. YMMV. Best of luck my dear.

You know what? I know folks who are married and live separately... and folks who live apart *and* date exclusively, they don't want to combine households. I'm actually in the middle of a divorce and am very happy living apart, although there are *certain* aspects of companionship I do miss. But not willing to settle to get those in house.

^^ this also jumped out at me

Dover, sorry you are enduring mad mummy syndrome. I, sadly, did not invite my mum to my wedding for the following reasons: she did not speak the language, she made trouble and drama wherever she went, and would have made my wedding (~60 pax) and reception all about her somehow. My future MIL actually planned the whole thing down to the bridal bouquet and my hair appointment, they (MIL/FIL) paid for whole thing, and we paid them back with the checks we received for wedding gifts (they never said if the checks met the full amount, they have too much class). Yes, MIL was in charge of the guest list because a) another country, she knew all the vendors and trades to get the best setup b) i had no objections, actually felt spoilt with her attentions c) felt nothing but love in her labours, not for one minute like I could or would get dropped on my head (never woulda happened if I had let my mum get in on the action). Now, if we had have been a little older and more entrenched in our careers, I probably would have done exactly what you are doing, pay for everything ourselves and manage the guest list and wedding/reception formats ourselves... although it might not have taken place in another country. I probably still wouldn't have invited my mum either because of her long history of acting up at family events. But I would have invited my in-laws, and probably even paid for their air tickets. As for mum, I had to endure a lot of begging and attempted manipulation the closer the event came, I did not cave. She survived. She tried to punish me but I just ignored her. Bitter old women who created their destiny don't like it when they have to lay in the bed they made... let's hope your mum can eat crow and fall in line, or don't come to the wedding. And the aunties and uncles that no one likes? They can make their own party. Dover, I sure hope I don't sound harsh, but having lived with a petty manipulative mum for about half my life was punishment enough 😉 YMMV. Best of luck to you and the lucky bride!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️

Another technique is to give someone a reputation to live up to: "I've heard you are pretty gifted in the _______ department." (Kindness, intelligence, manners, etc.) It has to be true if you heard it from their friends, right? 😉

Some snappy comebacks for interruptions or being told to be quiet, that's not true, etc... some of them, if said them with a smile on your face and in your voice, and maybe even with a wink (like, "Wait for your turn. The adults are speaking.") I could see it getting a laugh if the group sees she is being rude. https://tosaylib.com/snappy-comebacks-to-shut-up/ If I feel insulted or confused, I usually ask questions with pleasant curiosity, as in "Can you please be more specific," or "What did you mean by that," etc. Anything to put the focus off my embarrassment or displeasure and onto the person trying to be funny (or not) at my expense. If it were a really obvious insult, I would say "Ouch, that didn't feel good," "Did you mean that to be as mean as it sounded" or some other way to let them know they are being hurtful.

So sorry this is happening to you. Waaaayyyyyy back in the day when I was a troubled lass I would do stuff like this (and can vouch for the folks who say she means no good). So... what others are saying, I echo. Please take back your affections and reserve them for someone worthy while you work on enjoying your life.

Hi Joyce, I think she has a point, although your mileage may vary. I think what she is really trying to convey is don't seem too needy. Let him set the pace. Just enjoy yourself and allow yourself to be pursued. Don't worry about playing games, etc. you will just be being feminine (receiving). Try on a few of those "high value woman" videos on youtube, they seem to have a lot of good advice for dating and maintaining your womanly mystique. WMII, don't make fun! Good luck my dear, have a wonderful time.

The freak part was the tiny bit of pickle 😉 Hahahaha

Ancient history I had a few nascent relationships where this (PE) was an issue. It was never resolved, but I was also in my 20s and didn't have the patience to stand by while it got worked out... My experiences with folks who had actual disabilities in this department were better, because I saw a big effort in other areas and could express/enjoy myself without the penetration. But when it's presented as the main event and intermission begins before the first act ends... sounds incompatible.

I thank all of you for your suggestions, every last one of them! Choice=freedom. Also I might curl your hair a little if I told you what kind of things I got up to as a young lass, haha... j'ai eu des aventures incroyables bien sur! Personne ne me croirais... In any case being married for such a long time... it was not the biggest part of our relationship, for sure, but it mattered. And I wasn't 100% fulfilled because my particular brand of freak wasn't on his menu. Since everything else was solid (about 95%) I didn't worry too much but after a quarter century and he had stopped trying to please me, we had fallen out of mutual respect and admiration (things that mean everything to me in a relationship), I felt there wasn't enough left to keep going. So the intimacy wasn't the burger, it was maybe the lettuce or tomato (really, maybe even the tiny slice of pickle). The other stuff was the main event for me. My takeaway here is that I need to explore the world a little and just let it go. OLD is not working well for me, between the bots and old folks with nothing to do, I'm better off right now just focusing on other things. Everyone says you find someone when you're not looking 🙂 Then, I have a feeling all will fall into place. Again, I thank you all for your input. Love this place.

What marked me in your story is you two have been together now long enough, if he was really in love with you (and had honest intentions) he would shout it from the rooftops, no matter who was listening (like in the corny love story movies, haha). A man in deep romantic love will attack every obstacle to be with his beloved, not erect cinder block walls in her path. Please don't be ashamed, you didn't do anything wrong. I hope you never find yourself in this unhappy space again... and that man who will shout his love for you from the rooftops? He is out there!

^^ this. That's 9 hours of commute per week, you are putting in a LOT of effort in comparison to what they are doing. Seems unfair I've notice that people who like to control more than to love only give as little as what the other person lets them get away with. Or they give just enough to keep the other person on the hook. Perhaps it's time to draw the line... Good luck my dear!

Ohhhh Jijiken, my dear, so sorry you are going through this. I recently fell (emotional) prey to a "someday we'll" or "let's go ____" guy (I call it "futurebuilding") and he went up in a puff of smoke, as they are wont to do. Other people sometimes do that, but please remember it says more about them than it does about YOU. Keep your high values and do not fall for (as WM2 says above) a man like that might dip his wick but never commit. You are correct Jijiken, a waster of your valuable time. Keep your head high and do not compromise on your values! You are on the right path dear. W

Read Andrina's tag line: You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~ C.S.Lewis

Hmmm. Might not be a good idea to engage further if you are serious about keeping yourself safe from further abuse

I beg to differ. Many years ago, part of the reason I fell for my husband was seeing him in tears because he was denied visitation to his daughter via some restraining order false accusation shenanigans. Observing that someone could love so deeply and have zero concern for how they appeared outwardly, well that is really something. To love is to be vulnerable... maybe not every minute. To TRUST is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of another. So at that moment he handed me his trust, which he never took back. Even to this day... and we are not together any more.

BTW my dear, I didn't have to read but a third of the way down the original post before knowing what was going on. Sorry if you are hurting, hugs to you ((((((( ))))))) and you got this! Let yourself wallow a tad and then get back on your path. He was just a crappy bus stop on your big wonderful life journey

Dear CM, Please kick this guy to the curb. Stop chewing on the whys and wherefores. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too, only using you for sex and manipulating you with the "you make trouble or question me, no more d." Get a guy who values you, not treats you like an unpaid sex worker. Yah and please get out of his FB account and stop stalking him. He's SO not worth the trouble. For all y'all this was my first post trying out voice of WMII, if you know who I mean 😉

❤️

^^^ this. I've been cruising these forums for ~15 years and can tell you, there is some expert FREE advice here from experienced relationship advisors. ignore at your own peril! keep on keepin on...

my .02? it was popular because SHE CHANGED THE GUY. not real life. discard references.