spinstermanquee

PS I am almost 60 y.o. and dontcha think I am going to have an uphill (as in Sisyphean) battle to find my needle in the haystack! Haha

Haha segagirl, i'm in the same boat. dipping my toe in the dating pool and yes it does suck. But... like the old saw goes, you can't win the lottery unless you buy a ticket. And keep buying the tickets... if you are interested in how to dial up your potential, please visit youtube and look for any videos on high value women and even silly stuff like "10 things that will make a man crazy about you" kinda videos. Sounds stupid but boy is it helping me deflect the selfish predatory dudes and keep myself above the fray. Watch enough of those and it gets burned into your brain. I just dodged a bullet with a guy I thought was a high value man and he turned out to be just another cheater who wasn't into me at all. It didn't compute at the moment but because I kept to my standards I was able to avoid being taken advantage of. Now that he's in the rearview mirror, I had the time to process and twig to what "really" happened for me (I'm a little slow on the uptake, truth be told). In any case, this is about you segagirl. And telephone guy is not up to (your) snuff. As you are now out there, please STAY out there and don't settle for a stingy little slice of someone. Get the whole cake baby. <3<3<3

Here is what I know from my many years on the planet: You are the sum total of all your experiences, good bad or indifferent. You made many choices. Those all made you the person you are today, the person your mate loves. The past is the past. If you need to unburden yourself you might try what I did. I sat my lover down when things got serious, and I opened a question window (I had a pretty dicey past). Anything he wanted to know about my past experiences I would answer. He had no questions, and he gave me a version of paragraph 2 above, which just made me love him more. Give it a chance. If you're so busy looking at the mud puddles you stepped in back there, you'll miss the ones you're about to step in ahead of you. LET IT GO GIRL! <3<3<3

Segagirl, maybe it's not the universe. Maybe it's him inserting himself where he doesn't belong. He has a primary relationship, and it's not with you 😞 In service of his family perhaps a thoughtful considerate woman would step back. My STBXH of 25 years... we have coffee skypes, discuss projects, he's still on my insurance. But once one of us gets into another primary relationship, we will have to factor the new person in the equation and dial our comm down to his or her comfort zone. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, I'm cool with the way things are. Are you? Hugs (((((( )))))

Wiseman, thanks for chiming in! Wolf had little bo peep snowed for sure. Thank you ❤️

Words to live by, waffle! This is going to become part of my permanent repertoire. Thanks a bunch!

Triceps, God bless and hope you get out of this one unscathed. Sounds like a dishonorable woman there, not trustworthy and not loving you either. Perhaps a bit of a user? As another version of what other posters wiser than me have suggested, pack her bum up and deposit her on the doorstep of the rich ex. THAT is where she needs to do her penance, period. In the meantime, chin up ❤️

Yep that ship has sailed, bolt! Thanks for the encouragement. <3<3<3

Thought y'all would enjoy this foray into the dating world I had... Met a guy by accident in a 3rd city (not his, not mine) and he presented me with his card. After a little bit chatting with him I gave him my card. Due to unforeseen circumstances and his hot pursuit, we wound up having a very innocent dinner (#1) together. We coincidentally live a few states apart and I have family near where he purportedly lives. The next month I went to see family and I had dinner (#2) with him. The following month, same (dinner #3). On his part, he didn’t seem to be big on texting emailing or calling between our meetups. On my part, I expected if he were interested in me he would come to my city and see me (since I had already come to his 2x) and gave him the benefit of the doubt on the communication since we are both in professions that require a high degree of commitment. So I tasked him with a date (#4) in 2 weeks’ time in my city about 15 mins into dinner #3. He agreed. That dinner (#3) was amazing, he was charming and animated and started talking about all kinds of future plans (i.e., “we should do this that and the other thing, can I come with you to see x person,” etc.). I was a little giddy, I must admit, but I wasn’t willing to give up on the “proof” that he was truly interested in me by coming to me in my city. We had dinner, walked around the lake in the moonlight, we did not hold hands or kiss. He seemed a little agitated when we parted but I thought maybe he just had to go to the bathroom (haha I’ve been there). Fast forward to just before he is supposed to come to my city, I texted him to know if he were coming as I was beginning to make plans. He texted back that he couldn’t make it (no apology either). I answered “Ok, bye.” At first it hurt because I really believed the things he told me, like that he wasn’t married or in a relationship or even seeing anyone. However it is now obvious to me that I was a belt notch. Now, I really don’t need folks here to reiterate my idiocy (please be kind), but I just wanted to share because I am an older woman who maybe still believes in human beings’ innate goodness. At first I was hurt and made it about me, and then I realized he did me a favor by showing me early what a jerk he is. Here is the letter I wrote to myself this morning when I got up from a deep slumber: Dear Spinster, I am SO very proud of you. You met someone, opened up, and allowed yourself to be vulnerable with him. Even though he presented mixed signals, you gave him the benefit of the doubt. You did not betray your standards, even when suddenly presented with beautiful words and plans that were designed to create a fantasy future and elicit intimate relations. You stayed your course and looked beyond the words for action. You assigned him a task to demonstrate his worthiness; he did not rise to the occasion; you said goodbye. Keep doing this, and the one that rises to the given task(s) will win your heart, over and over again. Moral of the Story: High Value Women follow their true North and don’t cast their pearls before swine. If there is anyone in this community that can find some inspiration from my humble story then the time it took me to write this all out will have been well worth it. Love you all. Keep loving, no matter what.

Dear Catfeeder, So much good here in this community and you are a large part of it. Our illustrious colleagues have pretty much said it all in the past 3 pages, and I have nothing more to offer other than to say, I'm standing in the bleachers cheering you on. Thanks for sharing what makes your heart heavy, a burden shared is a burden halved...

ignite, when i was in my twenties i saw this hot guy toweling himself off next to his car after jogging on the beach and i left my biz card on his windshield (by the time i walked over to meet him he had gone off jogging again). i wrote on the back "if I have the right guy you are tall, bald, and full of sex appeal" and a brief description of myself. he called me the next day. we dated for over a year. hair might not the dealbreaker you think it is... just sayin'

^^ echo catfeeder here. texting has some pretty big limitations. imho, it pales in comparison to the sensory experience of observing body language, catching a whiff of pheromones, hearing the tone of voice, and all the lovely things that add up to chemistry and potentially, passion. one thing i noticed in my own life is, if i rush i make mistakes. goes for all things - rush a job, will have flaws. rush out the door, forget keys or passport or glasses, rush a relationship, pick wrong person. you get the idea. now get out there and go slow! big hugs...

bob1689, thanks for sharing your story. I dated a guy once (going back 30+ years) who was, for various childhood reasons, unable to achieve that "full" intimacy that so many think is the ideal. When we started dating we would do various activities - dinner, movies, comedy shows, events, etc. We held hands and kissed after many dates. When it came time for "that time," he was very open and sat me down to discuss. His very openness, and vulnerability, called forth my own vulnerability and we were able to parse it together. We even achieved, for a time, a very satisfying intimacy. We parted for unrelated reasons (I had run into my soon-to-be-husband again and the universe turned happily upside down). You mentioned many supportive and wonderful female friends/relations in the past. I understand it's scary and maybe even intimidating at times, but it sounds like you have a knack for spotting the right person... maybe even YOUR person. The universe has plans for you! Big hugs ((((((( )))))))

sooooo many questions. how long married? were you ever "ideal" for each other? children? careers? was there an imbalance in money, children, or intimate relationships? what does your intuition tell you?

Wow. Some awesome comments above. katmisj, reaching out here is a great way to get a variety of perspectives from some really good, caring, experienced people 😉 I think your inner wisdom led you to eNotalone. Over the years I've reached out a number of times for assistance, then lingered afterward to try and "pay back" the favors with what I've learned. Before I married my husband 26 years ago (even tho I am in the middle of uncoupling, he is still an awesome person and the end of our marriage is a lot more on my part than his) I struggled with poor relationships, attracting the wrong guys, jealous maniacs, etc. I got fed up and decided I wanted more out of life. I focused on my career and my personal development and took time for myself to read, study, get THERAPY, have fun, learn how to windsurf, go dancing with groups of friends, etc. We started dating. As things progressed I established and kept boundaries, maintained my fun with friends, kept putting energy into my career development as a late-20s ambitious career woman. I didn't care he was against marriage and calmly let him know while I respected his opinion, that was my goal and I would accept no less from the man who would wind up my life partner. I guess he must have changed his mind...less than a year later he proposed. Anyhoo, that is one of my fondest memories of my attempts to become (what is now called) a High Value Woman. If you're curious please visit youtube and search for videos about HVW and even cheesy ones with titles like "10 Things That Men Love" are helpful to suss out what you are doing that is attracting the wrong men. You can take that knowledge and incorporate it into your repertoire and help yourself tease out that HVW inside of you, yes she already exists! There is some kind of voice inside your head holding her back, telling her she doesn't deserve a High Value Man, BUT YES YOU DO! Just get inside and start chatting with your inner HVW, she wants OUT of the prison you built for her. Now, you've got a whole pile of strategies to choose from. Please check in and update us when you have a chance, nothing like a good eNotalone success story to top off an already full heart. <3<3<3

a similar thing happened to me years ago when my very first love, an old boyfriend from (my) age 16-19 and i reconnected on facebook. at the time i was about 10 yrs married and only being curious, my husband knew all about it. tbh, i just wanted to know if he went on to college, had a meaningful career, married, had kids, etc. somewhat of an anthropology peek. i was in the middle of talking to him on IM and he did a sudden freak gotta go & cut me off and then reappeared with a newly created email address. i figured out his wife must have walked in while we were IM'ing. too bad so sad, he was being dishonest. i however had nothing to be ashamed of so i just ignored the whole thing and put it behind me.

Yah that would be a guy to be respected. That is high value. He knew he could eat the sprinkles off the cake with impunity - but: right answer is "no, I would ruin it for me, for her, for others to come." What a good person.

In no way do I mean this to sound harsh or mix metaphors, haha. But we can put ourselves into low value category (my sad tale of woe was: In my single days long ago, I let some eat the sprinkles off the cake without committing to the whole cake) or keep ourselves in high value category (uh-huh mister, you aren't getting the keys to the Ferrari until you show me your serious stuff). IDK I've read men like a mission and that you're not supposed to grant them any credit until the moment they do something that aligns with your systems. YMMV. In any case, have a good time, it is what it is, if you DO see him again make sure you do a public meeting, and have something important to YOU to do right after the public meeting. That will put some energy back towards your rep. High value women have lots of things to take care of and those things often trump whatever the potential mate's agenda may be. Remember: don't worry about whether or not he likes you, worry about whether or not YOU LIKE HIM. Is he worthy?

Hmmm... YMMV. I didn't as a single, lay out my best sexy underwear unless I was cruising. As an old married lady, only the hubster of 25 yrs got the lingerie. If I were a babysitting the wingperson whose friend was going to get laid (by my friend), I would wear the same tired old non-matching bra and grammy underwear, not shave my legs, not care if I smelled like flowers, etc. Please don't throw rocks at me other females, I've been living under one for 30 years 😉 Pilot rolled up to me onetime in an airport and asked me my status and i, blinking widely, said "platinum." He meant marital status. Duh! Long story short, that kinda effort rings all kinds of alarm bells in this seen-it-all-old-lady head.

As Jibralta said ^^^ no disappointments here only hugs ((((((( ))))))) and congrats for doing and standing up for you and your child

^^^ what Rose Mosse said 🙂 love you guys

Bolt, that actually is happening to me right now. I have gradually lost 40 lbs (I was 150) over the last 14 months without trying after a very large surgery. I made an appointment with my doctor to investigate and hope it's just a Godly miracle that I downsized (I thought the anesthesia killed my appetite). But everyone is so complimentary and I'm thinking inside, holy cow thanks but if it's because I'm sick I'll take those 40 back, thank you very much.

Lo, that gives me a big sad. I searched for answers so many times over the years and did not learn any truths beyond the most basic. He came to therapy with me and we couldn't figure it out (proper goal would have been, what were we doing to hurt each other and how to stop). If the in-laws, like you said, have been in this space for many years then they are probably locked in for good. That is where the real sad is. We talked to our daughter about the pending d and she said she knew we were unhappy for a long time but she thought we were just gonna suck it up and power through. Boy is she perceptive. Basically, that's what we were up to for the past 10-12 years! So, for those following this thread, just want y'all to know I went to another city with a girlfriend this weekend and danced to my heart's content every single night. My go to for a no-worries evening is the best gay bar in town, and it did not disappoint 😉 I'm actually sore and tired!!!

dear heartbrokennnx3, i have no experience in this arena except to say, i wish i could sit beside you right now like a mom or female friend. i would hold you (mom or sisterly-like) and listen to all your concerns, let you weep your tears and give you big hugs and lots of kleenex. i would coo over your daughter, who is probably the biggest source of joy in your universe. just thinking about that makes me smile 🙂 i was so lucky to participate in rearing a lovely girl. once all your tears were cried out and all your concerns for your baby girl were out, and you were calm again, i would listen, support you, and maybe make some suggestions when you lay out your preferred plan to minimize the dangers and maximize her support, health, and well being back into the primary focus (not that you're not already doing that - we're strangers on the internet after all, lol). I would use all my man energy to help you, haha. she is the future. he is the past. kick him to the curb where he belongs and far away from her tiny vulnerable self. she needs your big, fierce, powerful mamma persona to kick in, STAT

As Batya so wisely pointed out, it's not a question of how we look on the outside. That has nothing to do with it. The only reason I pointed out he is good looking is because I was trying to juxtapose his looks with my feelings. Lack of respect kills physical desire. If a man thinks a woman is low value, he might dip his wick but she will NEVER be commitment material. If a woman thinks a man is low value, he is never gonna get the keys to the Ferrari, NEVER.