anonamous19

MissCanuck, this is what I mean about assumptions. You’re jumping the gun and assuming the worst. I didn’t wake her to spend time with me, I don’t mind what she does. What’s clear is that she was depressed, she slept all day, literally. She had 1 meal. When she did wake up that night, she stood in the kitchen staring at the ground and burst into tears when I asked if she’s ok. I hugged her and she friend on my shoulder while I try to tell her it’s ok. Its obvious I’m not her father, but as her friend, I want to help and sunlight is important when you’re depressed, for obvious reasons. And if you don’t get that, that’s ok, but don’t pretend you’re a suitable mentor, advising people on this site. I’m not alone in this, I’ve read the reviews about this site. I should’ve done that before I wrote this OP. There are some good comments here though, by thoughtful people who actually read the OP. And I thank you, and apologise for getting upset with the others. Yes silent treatment is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Of course I’m no psychologist, I’m not trying to diagnose anyone, but having an idea of what could be wrong is a good place to start and whether or not the armchair diagnosis is correct, the methods to treat or aid the problems are good in nature for many relationships encountering tempestuous times. Many of you have said to leave her, because it’s been 2 years with no sex. Some said leave because she cheated on me. However I think, and many sex therapists and psychologists agree, that a dry spell or cheating is not necessarily the end of a relationship. It should be obvious a sexless relationship is a symptom of something else. I’ve already said I’ve done my research. It should also be obvious I’m not trying to force her to do anything at all - ever. I will, of course, help her in any way I can if she wishes to leave. But as long as we are together, I will do what I can to learn, adapt and be as secure as possible for the good of our relationship and for us both. And if she is suffering from Quiet BPD, that certainly would explain the silence, mood swings and after a deeper look into the symptoms, she ticks every box. Trying to wake up a depressed person at 10am is not controlling, nor possessive. It’s kind. When I share my thoughts and frustrations with you, I trust you will be thoughtful enough to act in kind.

Fair comment

We’ve lasted ten years for the obvious reasons, everything is great except for the lack of sex. Also, don’t reply if you’re a negative person, I don’t think you have the necessary experience to be advising people. Also don’t rely if you don’t know the difference between they’re, their and there, it blows my mind that you’re even attempting to help people. Of course I have considered leaving, that should be extremely obvious. The goal here is to try and resolve and improve the situation, not abandon it. If you’re experience and knowledgeable, you should’ve have to say that.

Considering that she slept the whole day before, I think it’s appropriate to try and wake her up on her second day off to get some sunlight. As you’re probably not aware, sunlight is good for the body and mind. As opposed to making wild assumptions.

Anyway, she seems to be in a better mood now..

Thank you all for your input. The other night, we had sex, I finally gave her an orgasm after 2 years. The next day, everything was normal, we talked about work, cooked dinner together, watched a movie. The next day, she’s quiet, withdrawn. I ask her if everything is ok, silence. I say, I can see that something is up, if there’s anything I can do to help, or anything you want to talk about, I’m here for you. She slept all day, I kept busy with things around the house. This morning, I try to wake her up with coffee, gentle kisses and hugs at 10am, and like the many times I try to get her up before noon, she tells me to leave her alone. I try to reason with her and ask if there’s something she’d like to do today, it’s nice outside, please get up.. Silence.. I kissed some more and hugged her, she pushed me away with her legs and raised her voice, no let me sleep! I got up, said sternly, no, you’re sleeping all day again, it’s beautiful out there, it’s really sunny, you should get up and enjoy the day. I went outside to drink a coffee, read your comments out in the yard, researched a little more and am very grateful for your input so far. Thank you all. Could it be possible she is suffering from Quiet BPD? And in my naivety, I have been researching “silent treatment “, or “withdrawn partner” “covert-narcissist” and such. I admit, I am far for a perfect person and trying to force her to not sleep all day is a bit of a *** *** move. Of course it’s confusing she said she’s asexual and then cheats on me. The other guy is married with a child, I don’t think she’s trying to be with him. I think it’s likely she has Quiet BPD, and I have been having trouble with that, where we would argue, it would be better to let her be quiet, realise her silent treatment and withdrawal is her own struggle,and all I can do to help is chill more and try and encourage her to do more positive activities. Create positive experiences. What do you think?

I sincerely appreciate the replies, it’s 1.30am here.. I’ll sleep on it

Yes, I’m aware of Scandinavian culture, I lived there for some time. They are a silent bunch! There are no issues, drinking, mental health, disorders or any other problems. The arguments are sometimes petty, easily resolved, the consistent issue surrounds the lack of sex. Many of the times I will try to initiate intimacy, in a gentle way of course, which is rejected. If I ask if everything is ok I will be met with silence. 95% of the time I’ll get over the rejection and move on with my day. 5% of the time I’ll pretty much demand an answer. Of that, 1% of the time, which is tonight, she will say that, there is resentment for arguing about not having sex. Tonight she said that years ago, she felt she would have to have sex to stop an argument about not having sex. Yes, she’s checked out. This post is meant to be a, “how do you fix it”, kind of post, as opposed to, yep it’s doomed. Many of the articles I’ve read have many good suggestions about how to try and resolve the problems. Many of you are pretty gloomy! Stay positive all and thanks for the replies.

Yes, I know. Well, I would like to think that I know this. This has been said countless times to this problem. I’ve done the research. I know what you’re saying. I just don’t want to believe you. It’s really hard man. I really love her. I don’t want to leave.. *** bro, I was going to, when I came back from holiday she was all angry.. It’s just so hard to leave

Apologies I didn’t say she slept with him once 3 years ago in Finland, while on holiday in her home country. We live in Australia.

Thank you all for your replies. Firstly, I’m not an abuser. I’m supportive of her wanting to go to her home country, or holidays there, or cairns, or anywhere she likes. She is as free as a bird. I was assuming the forum readers would have enough information to not make such assumptions, such as, I’ve researched what the problems could be, attempted to resolve them through peaceful conversations and have been met with silence 90% of the time when we talk about said issues. She said she was afraid of how I would react because it’s very difficult to remain calm when I am being abused with the silent treatment or consistent anger from her. That doesn’t mean I abuse her, that means I get upset. She hasn’t left me yet because 95% of the time we have a loving, peaceful, happy and fun relationship. There just no sex! No healthy arguing! She goes silent, issues go unresolved. Yep, I should find someone willing to have healthy conversations about things that bother us. But I love her, and she loves me, we told each other this only tonight. But say, if I try to kiss her neck, or ear, or move my hand slowly from her knee, she pulls away, or say, covers her face. I pull away, breathe, go and find something else to do. Like type here, or research.

Thank you for your reply! I am 40, she is 33, no kids. I wouldn’t say I chronically raise my voice at her. I used to try and interrupt her, try and win disagreements about 20% of the time. I wouldn’t pick fights at all. She used to give me the silent treatment often. Come home in bad moods and actually it was her who would yell at me, for trying to help cook for example. I would very much like to resolve the underlying problems, it’s very difficult when the other person doesn’t participate. I don’t have a mood disorder, my antidepressants are left over from when I had an injury and became depressed, partly because of this relationship, the lack of sex, and partly because I was not able to move for several months. Arguments certainly are corrosive, more so when left unresolved for years. You’re absolutely right about her being checked out, angry and resentful.

Hello all, Thank you in advance for your thoughts. My girlfriend and I have been together for ten years and have been sexless for the last 2. In the last 5 years it’s been 6-10 times or less. I’ve researched for about 5 years and have exhausted myself. So I ask a real person here, I’m sorry for the lateness. At first the excuses from her were that she’s just not as sexual, then that we argue too much, then that she’s asexual. There’s a lot of silence on her side when I try to bring up the topic. My research has taught me to argue in a healthier way and I’ve tried to ask Her to participate, she has began to a little. I have ruled out the covert-narcissist possibility (but not completely). A year ago we moved into a 2br house and have been mostly sleeping in seperate rooms. We cuddle, kiss gently, sometimes shower and kiss there. I frequently lift her up and put her on my lap (to attempt to enter the erotic zone together). I give her foot massages, take her on dates, buy her flowers. I can feel her heat, her wetness, sometimes when we are hugging with her legs wrapped around me. It’s very confusing. A few months ago she told me the lack of sex was because she was abused as a child and is having flashbacks. So I researched that and tried to approach in a much gentler way, much less often. A few days ago I discovered msg’s on her phone from a guy and it went back to 2019. When I asked her about him she said he’s just a friend. I have also studied at length on how to discern a lie from the truth, I suspected she was lying. I asked her one day as a purposeful surprise if she had slept with him, she lied as she asked what, who, then said no and looked guilty. Later that night I called her out and said that I know 100% that you slept with him, but I want to know why. She said it was because we had just had an argument.l She has told me more details and I am on a path of healing. It was apparently only once, using a condom, when she visited his city, he invited her to his place. Its seems very contradictory to not be that sexual but also cheat. Anyway.. I told her, if you want to fix our relationship, we need to argue healthy, I promise not to raise my voice and try not to ‘win’ if you promise not to give the silent treatment. She agreed and things seemed like it was moving towards a new relationship. A few days later I asked her if it’s ok if we try to move things to the next level and I try to give her an orgasm where I’m clothed, and she is not. She replied that she wants to go on holiday to her home country. Tonight, I tried to talk with her and she said that she is afraid of the future with me, that I will begin trying to ‘win’ arguments and raise my voice again. I promised I wouldn’t and asked her to help me by participating in arguments we may have, and if she’d like space, is in a bad mood, or doesn’t want to be intimate, to say to me, ‘I’m not in the mood right now, try me again in (a certain time or day)’. Because of this other guy she’s been forming an emotional relationship with for years (who is just a friend apparently), it causes me great anxiety, I’ve been taking antidepressants for 3 days and I’m finding it hard to sleep and work. I asked her to decide tonight, to either try to make our relationship work, to make it sometime beautiful for us both, tell the other guy it’s over between them and stop talking to him. Or end things with me, so I can begin to detach and move on. She said she wants to buy the ticket and quit her job first, I replied by saying you have no reason to be afraid of me, I am calm, even though you were afraid to tell me about him, scared of my reaction, you can see you had no reason to be afraid. I’m very interested in personal development and would like to move forward toward a healthy relationship with you, or begin to split up. She acted tired, began to withdraw and was silent. I drove us home. Shes now sleeping in her bed, and I’m in the lounge room asking for your advice please. Thank you