Pictures do an easier job explaining things, so:
Note: picture removed
The top 3 are me now. The bottom are me as a kid and teenager.
Now, as surprising as it sounds, kid/teenager got mercilessly made fun of every day for his entire childhood. His personality was also about what you'd expect: perma-cringe nerd who wanted to be c o o l, more than anything in the universe, and for some reason could only ever have crushes on girls 10 trillion miles out of his league.
Fast forward 10 years: when it comes to girls, I still feel exactly the way I did back then: that when, I approach them, they will most likely not at all be into me, and I'll just feel like an undesirable idiot. The good thing, though: I know that I have merit, that underneath the wrapping paper I possess the desirable qualities that make a good boyfriend, possibly even a great one.
and now
*** it; it's late and I'm tired and lonely, and this'll give me hopeful thoughts to fall asleep to, so
this is my dream companion , who I would do almost anything to meet:
if you can imagine a girl who like....is so sweet and nice and genuine and warm that you would have a hard time imagining her being with a guy who looks like I do. but that's the thing, she's 200% good girl, but for whatever reason has this secret thing, that either nobody or just her best friend knows about, for (can't believe I'm saying this) "bad boys".
the reason I put that in quotes is because it's really just the idea and aesthetic that she's attracted to, the look. and even if she wanted it to be more than that, she couldn't, because she's just too damn nice and sweet; when she tries to interact with it, be it, it's almost pitiful (I say that SO endearingly). no matter how hard she tries, she's always gonna be that cute nice
thing with the most perfect smile that has ever existed, who can't wear too much makeup or dress too edgily, (and doesn't need to, because she's got the natural thing going on), and loves animals, and is just UGH
and here's why we're perfect together:
I am her; I've worked at a daycare, I make up songs and sing them to my cat, I have very good mannners, I can't say bad things about people without first acknowledging good things about them, I cannot lie (my conscience simply cannot handle it). The only difference is, since I was bullied-ish so bad as a kid, I didn't just have a curiosity about the edge; I dove in, because I needed to be cool. And I'm gonna be honest: I may have succeeded. I'm a super passionate musician, I have a lax attitude about 99% of things, I never get angry. The best compliment I've ever gotten was "You have this aura that says you just get it, all of it" (🥲)
*ahem*
So anyway, there's that, but there's also still the nerdy stuff; manga, history, the only things I can watch are documentaries, extremely complicated video games, fantasizing to this extent. So I think, if that girl exists, or existed, and she thought I was good looking, she would totally be into me. My ex, of my first real relationship (4 years, and first in love) which ended 5 months ago, was kind of her, and mostly into me. The aesthetic attraction and bad looking boy thing, nah; she'd just roll her eyes and smile. But everything else? Quite yes.
She was also one in a million, which is why I'm here, trying to learn to identify; where to go, anything. And I guess I'll bring it down to reality: I am not into girls who like the same music as me, and that's the only thing to go off of with the where-can-I-go-to-likely-meet-girls-who-might-be-into-me thing. I know they exist outside of that sphere though, hidden amongst the majority which (at least I assume) looks at me and goes "ew, no". And that assumption is why I'm scared to just go in blind, keep getting shot down until I get lucky.
So, anything?
ps: thank you for taking the time to read this, I sincerely appreciate yout consideration 🥲
pss: lastly, I'm going to ask (quite possibly in vain), that if you're planning to respond to this with either:
A: the stereotypical mean & intentional hurtful comments that tend to flood message boards like this, let alone the entire internet
B. something that's underlying and/or overlying message is a form of "tough love"; something with positive intent but that does not consist of a minimum 50.00001% warmness/positive understanding/an intent to comfort/reassure/encourage me
please just don't comment it. obviously I can't control it, I'm making myself into an open target by posting this, but I'm in a very vulnerable place right now. as far as the tough love goes, that does not work on or for me; the only thing it does is literally make me hate you even more than you hate me, and wish horrible things upon you.
without comments like that though, I can promise you with 100% certainty that I would NEVER do either of those things to you; I'd either attempt to be comforting and encouraging, or simply ignore it.
sooo, yeah. now we see what happens.
