imnotokay

Thank you for the response! So basically, don't have a conversation about it and just tell him that I'm done?

Thank you for all your feed back and I completely agree with this. I do feel more serious about him than he does me for sure. And you're right he is expressing his own way by avoiding me and our conversations or anything that isn't kept light and fun. When I have asked him before if he was serious about me he did say yes. I really have no idea honestly. Sometimes it feels like the status of our relationship changes so often that I don't even know where I stand. Also anytime we seem to be getting really close - even without any feeling discussions he takes a step back from the relationship as well I've noticed. This makes it very clear and I appreciate the feedback!

This is exactly why him being away from me is speaking louder than what he is telling me. Since he has told me before that when he spends a lot of time with me that should show me how he feels. Clearly he is not here doing that nor is he making any effort to when we literally live a few minutes away from each other. He still is talking to me but of course it always sounds so friendly and removed, its nothing new.

The way this distance feels, it almost seems like we're not together - it feels very unfulfilling. I wonder if he feels the same, or feels like nothing is wrong as he has told me that he was good. The thing is I'd love to chat with him in person but he seems so distant and we have no concrete plan on when to see each other next as I am a shift worker and will be working the next 4 days. Have't seen him once on my days off. I'm going to have to talk to him at some point, and this space is allowing me to kinda reflect on what I want so maybe its a bit of a blessing in disguise. So basically if I were to be infertile I would adopt - he does not want to adopt, he wants to have his own biological child. So basically at that point it is important for him to have his own child, he would have to leave what we have to get that. Thats where a lot of uncertainty comes with this future, is that he would not stick around and ride out life with me as it goes...

In terms of being secure - I would say I'm pretty relaxed, however in the sense that I know this behaviour is atypical for him - not to be spending time at my place , seeming emotionally distant. I wanted to check in with him and see where he's at. When I asked him he said he was fine etc. and that the conversation didn't bother him, but yet his actions tell me differently. Then when I aired out that I felt like we took a few steps back - that's when I got the pestering text and that I'm not hearing him. It literally went from something like "hey just checking in, hoping things are all good as I haven't seen you for a few days" and then I got blown up on basically with the pestering. And of course this caused me to retreat and back off entirely. I didn't press the subject and left him alone after apologizing for having bothered him. But I see where you're coming from - you never had to question it because you were both all in on that same page. But the thing is he doesn't express anything to me, So I basically don't even know where his mind is which prompts me to ask because he doesn't usually say what he feels about me or the relationship. What concerned me to feel more insecure was that he wasn't coming over when he usually does and that he seemed more distant which led me to ask what I was saying above^. So I become insecure and I'm thinking its because I don't feel very secure in the relationship. I agree though he should at least own up and tell me how he feels even if he's not on the same page, because I would appreciate that. I wouldn't be mad about it because I do care and respect how he feels. And it would be a good indicator that we just aren't for each other in a relationship way which is fine and I think I could eventually accept that. I know he obviously does care about me which is why its so hurtful when he pulls away and dismisses my feelings. What keeps me holding on is I know he does care and that's hard to let go of. Because when things are good they're really good. We're smiling and laughing and can't stay away from each other. But its usually followed by periods of what I'm explaining now.

Well said, I would never treat someone that way. If I even explained it to him in this way I don't even think that would change what is going on for me, I think he would just dismiss it or make it about me somehow. Well I'm doing my best not to pump up his ego, I'm letting him be. Spending time with my family and friends and it has been nice to be surrounded by people I care about. Haven't seen him since, so its been about 4 days now which is not typical. He texted me but its very superficial basically just telling me what he's up to for the day, kinda one sided.

I will say that this topic of kids was an example of what he does and distances himself - it has been happening for ANY conversation that is emotionally charged or has weight behind it. We have talked about kids before and he did say he was wanting a 2-3 year timeline and did say he sees himself having kids with me so that's why I didn't feel like it would be problematic. It was more along the lines of what if we couldn't have kids for whatever reason - and I know he wants them, would he just leave type thing to find it with someone else. In that case hypothetically I would have invested time and energy into it, and would be hurt of course. He would be against adopting and I feel like he would not be open to just not having kids. So for me there's a protective aspect there too where I know he would leave if we couldn't. But I do agree it that he probably bailed because he's pushing away - even though he says he's not. And I agree it is possible that it won't be with my guy and its a ***ty reality. But even just having my emotions dismissed is ***ty too. Its all about his needs usually. I have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe I need to read up more on leaving a relationship because I'm not very good at it.

True, my needs would even go further to be unacknowledged in a time I'd need it the most to have support. I feel like I would be met with the same dismissive character that I am now. I've said hello to the dismissive side even at the beginning of the relationship, I'm sure it will be around then as well.

This is true and I have a feeling if I stayed here in this relationship I would be waking up one day wondering why I wasted so much time and it went nowhere. There are potential guys that I know have shown interest in me and due to me being taken by my guy I obviously didn't give them a chance. I know that I could have a different life - and a relationship where someone will listen to what I have to say, support me in tough times, and a place where I can feel secure and not like I'm alone in the relationship. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I could have that and someone could give that to me.

This is true, I know I won't be able to change him. My mom always said the "only time you can change a man is when he's in his diapers " lol. And so I knew that coming into this haha. I truly embraced everything about my guy, from the good to the bad. But it just leaves me feeling emotionally empty when he dips out and is just living his life like nothing is wrong. But this has been happening since early on and if its happened since then I know it won't change and I'll continue to feel this way if I stay in this relationship. Well said and I appreciate your response!

I can completely relate to this. This sounds exactly what happens if I try to talk or bring up my feelings. Something that as you said, could be solved with simple conversation turns out into something that I never intended it to turn into and then I don't even know how I got from point A to point B lol. But that seems true, as long as I don't have any needs, then the ship sails smoothly along the seas, as soon as I bring up my needs the waves turn rocky. Its hard to leave when the good times are so blissful as you said - because deep down there is someone who truly does care and wants to have a relationship and build a life but they remain emotionally unavailable and only in tune to their own needs. Sometimes friends will ask me how we're doing, and I can never give them an answer because we're mostly wishy washy or I know things might change from this week to the next.

This is gold and exactly how it feels. When the good is there, its good and enjoyable. Then it turns to *** and you're just doing whatever you can to get that good feeling back.

Yes, he has never apologized. I already did apologize for bugging him. I mentioned to him that it wasn't my intention to do that, I was just simply stating how I felt. I told him to have a good rest of his day and I didn't want to bug him. He said, will do, you too. Then later on in the evening he messages me with small talk about the hockey game and who won - I kept it pretty straight forward and simple as I was out with friends and then wished him a good night. Haven't heard from him today at all.

Whenever he distances he also talks more friendly towards me, like he's just texting a friend. There doesn't feel like any emotion behind it either and the conversations are usually tailored around him and his day and what he's doing. He doesn't really ask me about my day when he's in this sort of mood so its quite the 1 way conversation. Like it sucks and it hurts and its like I KNOW what I have to do, I just wish I didn't care this much and have difficulty separating from someone.

Yeah I agree, when times are like this I don't even feel like he is my boyfriend he's so distant. When things are good I feel happy and content. But when situations like these happen I couldn't feel more alone. He lives a few minutes away, if he wanted to he could pop by and spend some time even if its for an hour but he doesn't. It seems like if there's an issue its a me thing and there is no issue on his side. He hasn't even told me there's an issue or that we need to talk, he's just doing his own thing. I even offered and said yesterday if he needed to talk he knows I'll be all ears but he doesn't have an issue apparently and he's fine. So I had to take that at face value. Regardless it doesn't change how empty and alone I feel.