agualibre777

did i call him after? actually, i don't believe i did. i waited patiently for a response, and did send me a text response later that night around 9 pm. i was honestly surprised, cause he called me twice the day before on christmas eve while he was hanging out with his family. that's what is confusing to me... he was calling me while he was hanging out with his friends on christmas eve. i sent him the text... usually he responds fairly quickly. he didn't. i got nervous but didn't say anything about it. he wrote me at 9pm that night about there. i texted back a joke. and that was it. he didn't call me the next day at all, but he does call me every day, so i was surprised. i knew he was going to drive down south about 8 or 9 hours but it was raining hard and there was lots of wind and he doesn't wear a seatbelt. so i texted him and called him around 7pm, but he didn't contact me back and that got me worried. i agree, i probably should have let it go, but once i got it in my head that he might have been hurt, or something bad happened with a family member... i mean, honestly, i was just trusting in the fact that he has been very consistent with me up to that point and all of a sudden he wasn't... but i see what you're saying. i guess.

So do you think he was avoiding my calls? Even when I said I was worried about him and could he just send me a text that he was o.k.?

No really, I WAS worried about his safety... In fact I still have in my google search "accident reports". I was looking for accidents and I was even considering how I would find out if something happened to him given that I didn't know what city he was in. Honestly, if it was neediness, I wouldn't have given in to calling him. I would have resisted, turned my phone off, resisted. But once I started thinking that he or a family member might be hurt, that was when I started getting worried. It didn't make any sense to me that he would be ignoring my call, so my assumption was that he was hurt. I even woke up from a nightmare that he had been shot and cried thinking he was hurt, and how would I possibly find out if that was the case?? But I agree, I came accross as needy to him for sure. No doubt he probably felt I was checking up on him. But I really wasn't. If I felt that way, I would have resisted it for sure. I don't feel like what I did changed the situation. I feel like I shouldn't have been in a situation like that for sure. I shouldn't have let myself feel that insecure by being sexual with him even when I knew I would feel like crap later. So either way, he wouldn't have committed to me and I could have kept the relationship as it was--- non-committal and constantly feeling bad about it. Feeling that way, not sure if he was in an accident or ignoring my calls... that's terrible. I don't feel like I should be with someone if I can't trust in something. Honestly, I really was petrified something had happened to him. I cried thinking he might be hurt! But I see what you are saying and truly, that wasn't what I was feeling... I was insecure earlier, shocked he didn't call me. But if I thought it was cause he was ignoring me, I wouldn't have called him. I only did so because I was genuinely worried about him. And things between us were going so well, I didn't see why he would have stopped. Yeah, I guess I'm kind of happy it's over with though. It's sad it ends this way. I'm not emailing him again. Don't worry.

So, Yeah, I posted a couple of times about this guy I've been dating for the last two and a half weeks. Things went fast. Real intense, both ways, he said maybe the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me, that even if the next day I told him to get lost he felt like I already changed a part of him. He called me every day, sometimes twice. And then when he didn't call on Christmas I got nervous. Didn't call the day after either. That made me more nervous. So when I got home I texted him asking him to let me know if everything was o.k. It was about 7pm. Then, I said, whatev, I'll just call him. No answer. He didn't call me back. I started to wonder if he was all right, knowing he was with family, maybe something didn't go well. Or he got into an accident with the terrible stormy weather. I called him in the middle of the night (knowing he has his phone on vibrate) saying I was real worried, could he call me and let me know he was o.k. I know, maybe I jumped the gun, but it was so unusual, and the last time this happened with a friend of mine, it turned out a friend of hers had died. I mean, everything between us had been real real cool, so I didn't think it should be off for me to call him worried about his safety. At the same time, I thought deeper about my feelings. We aren't exclusive but are sexual. I realized (again, something I talked to him about) that the idea of him hooking up with someone and ignoring my calls made me feel bad. So I sent him an email, saying that I was worried about his safety, but apart from that felt like we shouldn't hang out anymore even as friends. That this whole situation made me feel like crap. Then he called me this morning, not even apologizing for not calling me back or for me worrying, saying he needed to get his luggage ready to go south. which made me realize he was at his house in town, and that he'd told me he was gonna call upon coming back. this seemed off to me, but i didn't say anything. He said he was reading my emails and would call me later. Then he sent me an email in response to mine saying that he disappears when he is uncomfortable and our situation is making him uncomfortable. but the thing is, i understand i called him a lot, cause i was worried about his safety. i don't know why that in particular would make him uncomfortable. so it must have more to do with my exclusivity talk. so i wrote him back an email saying "please don't contact me again. stay safe." i just feel like he wants to connect with me on these really deep levels which we have, but then dropped the ball totally when i felt worried about him and wasn't there for me at all. so i ended it. i realize i acted probably too fast, but i don't want anyone to let me feel that way. sorry for the long post.

Thank you so much for your reply. Gosh, isn't it true? Misery loves company. It definitely makes me feel better to know someone else feels the same way and I'm not a total loon... I feel like I have to hide how I feel from him so he doesn't think I'm crazy. I'm trying to remember when my anxiety started with dating and I think I always had it on some level, my first boyfriend tried to have sex with me and then when I wouldn't he brought a different girl to school the next day. I definitely did have confidence in men that showed consistently that they were there for me and always wanted to be with me and only with me, my anxiety was pretty much nil. So, I know it's possible for me to feel safe, it's just been a really, really, really long, long time since I've genuinely felt loved... Yeah, what that guy did to you was messed up. The last four guys I dated did stuff like that on a consistent basis and I think I got to the point where I expect it. And the first sign that someone else might do the same thing makes me paralyzed with fright. I'm so afraid that someone else I care about will just be messing with me. It seems like he is genuine, but it also seems like he is too good to be true... Maybe my self esteem with men has been reduced to rubble so I don't even feel like I deserve anything anymore. It's so painful...

Yes, I agree with that, taking it slower and not contacting if I'm going to worry is a good idea. Maybe just trying to call other people or friends to distract myself if I feel worried. But I think that there is some core thing about me that is wrong in relationships and dating. I wish I knew what it was so that I could recreate things in a positive way...

Yeah, I know I need to chill out. I know it's all in my head. I don't know, however, what to do about it. The pain starts somewhere in my stomach and the nervous feeling starts to spread accross my body. I mean, it becomes a totally physical experience. But it's a familiar feeling. I know it has little to do with him, as much as it has to do with my fears of losing again. My fears that it will all become nothing. I don't want to talk about it with him, cause like the original responder, it would probably freak him out to know I'm feeling that way. I don't know how to cope with my anxiety about it. It's like the moment I start having these thoughts, they take over my body and my mind and my whole experience seems to become so much smaller and narrow. I don't know how to fight my way out of it, so I can stop repeating past patterns of fear and reaction. What about you N83? Why didn't you ask him if he was coming over?

absolutely the right thing

I think you may want to take the serious tone down a notch. Everythings been great until there was talk about marriage and getting more serious. There is no reason you have to rush into marriage or the next step. That IS scary, to anyone, no matter how much you love someone. So, it's best I think to have fun, but reassure her that you are her friend first and foremost, that no matter what happens, it's important to trust in that relationship. And that it isn't necessary to make any huge decisions right now.

I can't help but feel scared and nervous and I have this impulse to break it off before I'm hurt. I don't know why whenever I date someone I feel this way. I don't know if that is what has caused the impending doom, or if it would have anyways. It's hard to say. Whenever I date someone, if they don't call I immediately feel sick and nervous. But honestly, the last few times I dated people I dated all jerks. I've been burned pretty badly. But a little over weeks ago I met someone I really liked. We've talked every day since then, whether in person or on the phone. It's true we've been sexual. But... there is a connection between us that has been absent in all of my past relationships. Just it flows so easily and I feel his way of being is more similar to mine. Soul mates? It very well could be, if there is a such thing. It's early to say, but honestly I could see myself being with him for a very long time. So that is the level of my interest in him, and maybe I shouldn't let myself think that way, I don't know... I just can see how much he would help me grow. Christmas eve he called me twice even though he was visiting many peoples house. I hung up with him the last time around 11pm and he was going to another relatives house. He has many relatives. He was with his cousin and brother. Christmas morning I sent him a text saying "I want to jump you and cover you with kisses". He didn't write me back til last night, with his awwwww that he always sends in response and that we joke about. But I felt bad he didn't call me. He knows I don't care about Christmas at all. Is that irrational to feel that way? I just feel so afraid he is going to hurt me. I am waiting for the day he stops talking to me or disses me, even though nothing he has done implies that he will, everything has been to the contrary. But I feel this impulse to break it off just to avoid being hurt. What do I do???

yeah, i see what you are saying... yes, it is a habit. but honestly, i really tried *not* to have sex with him. i resisted, but he persisted by trying to seduce me, just touching me gently and getting me all fired up. it was really hard. really it took him four hours to get my pants all the way down cause i kept telling him i didn't want to. but when we did the deed, i did want to, i'm really attracted to him. that morning i sent him an email describing my feelings and he called me at 7:40 in the morning and i went over and stayed with him til 12 at night, just talking and hanging out all day. we almost had sex but didn't (on period). so that's good. honestly, i feel a connection with him i haven't felt with anyone for years and years. maybe it's making me lose my head a bit. we can talk for hours and he is so beautiful in many ways. maybe he is playing me but i don't get that feeling at all. sigh. i feel like i'm falling for him and it makes me nervous. maybe i should try not to have sex with him for a while. it's hard, so hard, because i'm soooooooooo attracted to him....

Hey- So over the last year I've made bad choices in men. I dated four different men, all of whom were jerks. One was a chronic liar, the other one was so emotional about how much he cared about me but we had no connection whatsoever, another one blamed my feelings on me and was trying to use me, and the other never really opened up with me at all. So for a week now, I've been hanging out with the guy I met in my yoga class. I like him a lot. We have a lot in common and to talk about and I feel a good energy around him. He tried to kiss me on Sunday but I didn't let him. We've probably talked for 20 hours in the last week or something ridiculous like that. We ended up having sex Wednesday night and talked into the wee hours of the morning. Sent sweet email on Thursday back and forth and talked yesterday too. I noticed I feel anxiety anytime I send an email and he doesn't respond within a couple of hours. I feel like uhoh. He's gonna stop talking to me now. It's like I'm just waiting for the moment he stops talking or calling and I'm paranoid about it. Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to watch a bball game with my friends by email and around 5:30 or so he called me and we talked for a half hour, he said, lets go to a movie instead, I said, no, I haven't seen my friend for a really long time and really want to see her. And said o.k., he didn't really want to watch the game (he used to be in the NFL, I think it's related). I said, I had to go pick my friend up in like five minutes and he said o.k. he'd call me later. So, I thought that meant later that evening but am I wrong? He never called and I text messaged around 10:30, hey handsome lets hang out. And called him around 11 (just in case he didn't hear the text message) but he didn't pick up. So I started having all these anxious thoughts that woke me up this early in the morning. Like, what if he went on a date with another woman and that's But he also could have just gone to sleep... And all these thoughts back and forth about what is more likely. And I know I can't guess and this isn't relevant. I know I wouldn't be feeling this bad if I hadn't had sex with him or felt like I liked him so much so quickly... Any recommendations what I should do to handle these feelings so I don't let them take over me??

sooo, an update is that we went on a date. called me for a movie, we saw a movie i'd been wanting to see for a while. we had a lot of fun talking, i felt, never lacked for words or fun conversation, laughs, easy going all that... hmm... it was really good. i mean, in total we've talked on the phone a ton, spent that other day and last night were talking til 2:30 in the morning... he tried to kiss me and i wouldn't let him. i told him it wasn't anything personal, that i just want to wait cause i haven't dated anyone, i just want to wait for it to be right. after that, I tried to figure out what he's been doing for the last five years, turns out he was in the NFL as a pro-football player. I don't know why he stopped, I didn't ask. but we talked about his plans, he asked me a lot about mine. gave valuable input on it, really complimented my intelligence a lot. he is black and i'm white, and said that i should be a doctor because black people would feel comfortable with me. and that was cool that he said that. but then... today, we were sending some emails back and forth. and i teased him about how i didn't kiss him, and he said, yeah it was awkward. and i told him that i was attracted to him obviously, but that i wanted it to be special. that i wanted to know who he was inside. and he wrote back.... awwwwww and that was it. what does that mean. i wrote him back jokingly that i didn't like being patronized with a smile ;P like that. and that was about 1pm. he didn't say anything back... so i know it's still hella early to tell, only 4 hours... but... do you think i maybe shouldn't have been so open about what i felt. obviously, he could probably get anyone he wants....

maybe that's true. my friend thought it was a little odd too, but i'll go with it. tomorrow i'll just send him an email with my number.

So... I met another cute guy today. At my yoga class. I noticed he had scrubs on and I kept wondering how i might talk to him, so as we were exiting I struck up a convo with someone else, chatted a bit, and then he and i ended up walking next to eachother and i asked how comfortable his pants were for yoga, we ended up having breakfast together at a cafe and talking for 1.5 hours... it was funny, easy convo and I thought we had a lot in common. At the very least he is a new friend, perhaps dating material, after all he is hot. He gave me his email address. Why not his phone number?? Why do people do that? Do I wait to write him??

soooorrry, i didn't mean to post here.

yeah, i second the above post. just wait and see, have the observation on the backburner... and don't be too direct about asking about past girlfriends... just yet... but personally i would be hesitant to date someone that was purposefully avoiding his ex's. like... that would make me wonder if eventually when we were to break up he would avoid me too... thats not cool.

hmmm... i think this is getting out of hand. lets just make all of the posts relevant to the initial question, k? i just think before asking for a phone number, just talk to her a bit and feel out her energy/how she responds to you. k? peace! it's aaaaalll love.

o.k. thanks... yeah, the next time i see him i have to say more than just hi and run away, cause it's a big city i live in and it's that common to cross paths with someone even more than once!! if anything happens anytime soon, i'll let ya know! peace!

yeah... i said hi, but then i walked away. i'm shy. sigh.

hmmm... why did he make the girlfriend comment though? maybe you can ask him about his last girlfriend? that might be weird. but before it gets serious i think you might want to... you don't want to be a rebound either.

yeah lose her. that's just plain mean. but at least she isn't wasting anymore of your time...

hmmm... i know that i make all sorts of conversation with people at work. but i don't if i feel at all that someone is creepy or unappealing. at the very least she likes your energy/your vibe/your look. she might have thought it was funny that you so obviously had rolled out of bed to the bank. so... it's hard to say. i know in the past being friendly means i get hit on and that sort of sucks. i'd say before you give her your number try some small talk. ask her how long she's been working there and does she like her job. see how talking goes. if it's smooth ask her if she'd like to get coffee sometime. don't do the phone number thing without having had a conversation. that would be weird. only cute if you'd talked a bit and shared a few laughs.

what he is doing IS abuse. of course. threatening to kill himself with the main intent to keep you is abusive. yeah, he has problems. but they aren't yours anymore. you might want to get a restraining order. he needs to learn how to change but you aren't going to be the person to change him, and it will probably take him years of therapy... SINGLE.

SO... once I was at this music event at a community space and I saw this cute boy. He seemed really engrossed in the music and wasn't even really looking around and I never had eye contact with him. But a few weeks ago I was walking at this local community market and saw him. I almost didn't look at him cause I'm kinda shy but I did, and he smiled at me and I smiled back. Then I saw him this last weekend at the same place and I was checking out a vendor and then he came near and seemed to know the people who worked there. I didn't look at him at first (I was nervous) and then I walked by him and he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and I smiled and he smiled back and I said hi. Someone was talking to him so I just kept moving. Afterwards, I kicked myself in my * * *, why didn't I say anything. But what would I say to him?? I'm sure I'll see him again... I've thought of different things... "Hi... I've seen you around a few times. What's your name?" "Hi... I hope you don't think I'm rude, I'm just kind of shy... Whats your name?" (It would actually take more balls for me to say that...) um... any ideas? do you think he might be interested? do guys say hi and smile just to be friendly? i know, i sound like someone clueless but i don't want to just see what i want to see either...