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L.J.

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  1. L.J.
    Hey hjc, Good for you !! It's great you turned the corner and are able to cheerish your ex in a fond manner. It it commendable that you respected her time and space when she requsted it. Put the worry aside and keep dating.... I'm sure the new girl will let you!! You are good guy .... stronger and better is a bonus. Yes, keep posting, keep the good news coming.
  2. L.J.
    Hey Juddy, Moving on after a relationship ended is indeed very hard. I believe it is also this difficulty you got yourself to your situation. You were separated from your wife at the time you were involved with your ex. Not only is she very mature for her age, she is also very smart. Many twice her age can't even understand you are not over your separated wife yet, let alone the fact you were not legally divorced. (I'm assuming because you used the term "separated". Throughout your posts, no divorce or "Ex-wife were mentioned). Are you officially divorced now? Yes, it hurts (sleeping/sex aside) when she sees other people. How does it justify it's okay for her when you went back time after time to your separated wife? You talked about bringing your wife to a wedding in Jan, and at this point you are still comtemplating a decision to reconcile with your wife. I understand why she wanted no part of it. Maybe it's a good idea since you have a choice to leave the country. Hard and difficult as it is, spending some time by yourself might help you move on, not only for a new life, maybe a better one.
  3. L.J.
    One month !!! A pat on the shoulder. Hey, while you're out shopping for a keyboard, treat yourself to that nice cannoli and nude calend... Oops, you talked about. Already scouted three fishing spots, huh? The best fish in the pond is out of water so what kind of fish do you catch? It's a blessing you have family to count on when home and friends to count on when not. Blood is thicker than water and a friend in need is a friend indeed. It's a good idea not to build walls around oneself. Afterall, didn't the Romans abandoned the Hadrian's Wall because it didn't work? The Great Wall of China failed to keep the Manchu out and the infamous Berlin Wall couldn't keep people in. Keep threading, Bestfish. Soon enough you will the best of the best when you decide to dive into the pond again !
  4. L.J.
    Happy Thanksgiving !!! All set for fun with your friends? I am spending T-day with my friends too. I hope the masticated turkey in my stomach will produce enough natural sedative tonight. That would help make up for lost sleep. I can't believe I wanted to pick up the phone this morning. This would've been our first Thanksgiving together, which is probably the reason I was disheartened. I didn't pick it up though. Managed to overcome the yearn by coming to this site.
  5. L.J.
    Congrats on your milestone !!! I know it's not an official NC milestone, but for what the last post is worth, I'll give it to you. Ah.... sushi with friends. To-te-mo oi shii (very delicious in Japanese). I once heard, Americans stuff food into food on Thanksgiving Day. I didn't know they stuff fish into fish on the eve, not especially one that's "flip-plop-ish" and fresh out of the water. Mister one month and some's answer to your question ... 1) Tell me one thing that you did for yourself today. Bought a CD and listening to it .. "Time will tell" by Koko Taylor. 2) One thing you are thankful for. I am thankful for two. The gift of light and a passion to read. 3) One goal you are working towards. Seeking wisdom of humility.
  6. L.J.
    Hey Virgo, Be strong, be strong !!!! No, no, no, if you want to maintain NC for up to 60 days, don't send it. If you can't resist the temptation to click the send button, here is an idea. It might not work, maybe it will make you smile..... hopefully. STEP ONE: Go to MSN and set up a free email account with your ex's name, like email removed or something. Use the longest password you can think of, but don't write it down. Don't let him know you are doing this. STEP TWO: Intentionally forget the password. STEP THREE: Change the address of your drafted email to this new address. Continue to keep this email in you draft box. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, HIT SEND, AND SEND IT TO THIS NEW ADDRESS.
  7. L.J.
    It mean just that. Solving the puzzle isn't going to redress the past, nor would it change things for you, so why care? Pinning down the fact doesn't change the fact, so why bother? People hold on to things because they can, they hold on to people because those whom they held onto permit it. In concept, no, she's not trying to boost your ego. She's trying to put a leash on you. In that, she's making herself a treasure trove and you, you're allowing your curiosity to be continually roused. Curiosity killed the cat and it's going to kill again. That said, Paco, deal with the issue at hand. If you truly believe you don't care for her anymore, set yourself free.
  8. L.J.
    That with you is past care, Paco. Would it mean things are past redress when the puzzle is solved?
  9. L.J.
    Hi there, I responded to your previous thread where you talked about a joint ownership of a new car. Has it been taken care of and did she refinance the car to her name? You had also mentioned that you are not interested to have her back in your life. She took a loan in your name and bought a car, cheated on you two months later with her boss, why are you more concerned about congratulating her rather than protecting yourself? Disregard all attempts to email or search for answer as to why she's not leaving you alone for now. You can revisit this later. More important than not, the priority is get your name out of the loan, find out whether or not, payments are being in a timely manner. Check to see if your credit has been affected.
  10. L.J.
    Hey Best fish, glad you had a good conversation. Though in silence, your acceptance of his inability to express or extend himself wholeheartedly is remarkable. Now it's time to divest yourself of the past, move on and effectuate "rigid" NC. Maybe proceed by deleting Christmas Caroling from your calendar? That way, you're eliminating the obligation to decline or opportunity to contact e/o later on. You have already made your choice, so divert your attention to caring for your well being. It's hard but the choice you make dictate the life you live, right? You are moving on .... forward ! Aren't we all fish out of water? You think anyone would care whether or not we're "flip-plop-ish" since we're not running for office?
  11. L.J.
    She got paid with her own coin. No much she can do, she cheated on him. You can't get rid of her, they are still legally married. Killing two birds with one stone and he's the master of the game. One winner, two losers. If you flip the board over and sacrifice him as a pawn, you might turn out to be the winner. But first you'll have to call that final move, then call "CHECKMATE !!"
  12. L.J.
    I'm so tempted to buy a personalized coffee mug with her name and put a crack on it. Thereafter, I'll drink my coffee with it routinely and see how far I can endure that leak.
  13. L.J.
    Yeah, first milestone ! Tormenting one. How many more markers before I surface? The resurgent pain will cease to persist, right? It's a classic phrase we coin here, "Everything happened for a reason". This one is for good reason, huh? It's counter productive to be dwelling on mistakes at this point, isn't it? NC is meant to provide time for a decision to move forward, not dwelling on past, no? You hit the nail right on the head, Bestfish !! You are not asking for him to do "everything" ... All you're asking is a (ONE, singular) decision. Take care of it and "everything" else will fall in place. Besides, "Trying" does not equate "wants to do everything" I don't think you're reading too much into this. And don't worry about how or when the "c" word snuck into your relationship or it doing damage. It is an essential word in any long term relationship and will snuck itself in anyway, one way or another. You want a future with him, right? It's tempting to want to see him, sit and talk like rational adults. I want to do the same. I think about it everyday with a heavy heart. But you know what? It's not the state of our mind that worries me. Our ex's are incapacitated by their divorce. They are incapable of being rational if you know what I mean. That's a fact. They brought us to our current state of mind to begin with. You think we will ever be ready to see them? Does it matter if an integral part of them is missing? Does it matter if we are ready and they're not? Hey Bestfish, you have FOUR more days to the mile marker. Sure you can make it. We are here cheering for you !! You have plans with friends for T-Day... so go have fun .. celebrate, enjoy yourself, you deserve it. It is alright to be courteous and polite if you want to decline his invitation. I don't think it's a bleach of NC, but that's just me. I don't consider NC a rule but a way to contend for the values we believe in. Courtesy is virtue I embrace too. What's worrisome is your desire to "start fresh" though. "Taking a Break" can be a four letter word ( P~A~I~N), you know that, right? His regrets and remorse actually is irrelevant. The root problem, "not over his previous marriage" is still there. You don't have to start fresh immediately, you have time to think about it before you decide p/s: Please don't feel like a hypocrite... we are all here to help and support each other and everyone has set-backs, ok?
  14. L.J.
    The night past twelve, I didn't turn into a pumpkin. It marked the 4th weeks of NC. Can you believe it? Fours weeks protesting the weight, I'm still lost at the bottom of the sea. Bestfish, how are you holding up, head above water? Keep treading. Stay afloat. Keep posting.
  15. L.J.
    Hey Stunned, I have read your post and know what happened to you. I know the pain you're going through. Unfortunately, your friends are not available. Please get out of the house for a while as it reminds you of your ex, especially when you are alone. Reading, listening to music, watching TV, etc., are still activities in the same environment. Put the leash on your four-legged kids and take a walk, go to the park, meet people with four-footed kids. You'll be surprised how friendly people are. Crying release tension, walking for miles and miles does too. Keep posting and let me know how you are doing, ok? We are all here for you.
  16. L.J.
    Yes, Bestfish, "Hole in the Heart". My empathy in this might be part of the reason I inadvertently compromised my needs. For the same reason she might have found comfort forcing the old pieces together. The picture doesn't look right but it sure does look good, and I had the idiosyncratic belief I could live with it for the rest of my life. How foolish ! Isn't it ironic that they can't give all, nor would they want to give up all together? Mine called too, left a couple messages to serve as reminders but it sounds like yours is more persistent. Don't take the bite, bud, even if you can't resist him the invitation to heal at this forum I'd like to think it's getting better for me, Bestfish. Some days are better than the other. I miss her much but am getting better at finding ways to cushion my fall. Preferring to think of it as the relationship and not so much her that I miss is one. In a selfish way, maybe it helps eradicate the notion that she's going to change anytime soon? I don't know...
  17. L.J.
    Great posts, guys !! Keep them coming. Blender, An evening in front of my screen, when I despair, your words bring hope and encouragement. Spunkmaster, I was in a 10 months relationship with a divorcee who isn't ready to commit. She was married for 20 years. Using your equation, it will take me approximately 5 months, and my ex 10 years to "get over". I plead no contest to taking the .02 cents you just threw in.
  18. L.J.
    Bestfish, it's alright to be tearing up. I would be worried if you are not. I don't know if it is the same for you. Between the time we started dating and the 3rd week of NC, much of my emotions were focused on the relationship, "US", "HER" and her "KID". I was not listening to "ME" or maybe I didn't like the warnings simply because everything seemed to fit as though we were meant to be together. Heck, we had a special connection. We were so happy with the little adult time we had. I was doing all the right stuff, being truthful and supportive. At that time, it didn't seem all that important whether or not our relationship is healthy, as though I was gradually taking responsibility for her divorce. I truly understand her need for time for to heal and space to help her son adjust. I didn't intend for it to mean I'm willing to put my life on hold. It's not right I'm hurting because she feels a hole in her heart.
  19. L.J.
    Hi there, Welcome back to ENA. Sorry to hear of the pain she inflicted by cheating on you. I'm not sure if you are the primary owner to qualify for the loan when you guys bought the car. The reason she gave for the delay in transferring it to her name might be true, in that, she's selfish wanting to hold on to you. The same reason could also be an excuse if she doesn't have the credit rating to qualify for the refinancing on her own. Either way, you should protect yourself from being hurt again. Her cheating on you is an indication that she's not a responsible person. The last thing you need is her ruining your credit rating if she doesn't pay her instalments in a timely manner. Even if that's not the case, your income versus loan ratio is still going to affect your credit. By all means, it is not selfish to want to protect yourself.
  20. L.J.
    Maybe you are stronger now and feeling you are "over him". Maybe emotionally accepting the breakup and not hurting as much and actually cheerishing the good memory so you miss him? I think it's healthy to feel that way, don't you? I wouldn't break NC though, not unless I am very certain it won't send me to the threshold of hell again. I honestly think you came too far to deserve that. Keep posting so I can learn from your progress.
  21. L.J.
    bestfishinthepond, It's like listening to myself speak when I read your post. I was in a relationship with a divorcee who gave me the same classic line you talked about and I also hope time together would make it work. It doesn't and it truly hurts. I'm very glad to read your second post, that you are putting everything in the shoebox and moving on. I know ... my ex and I had a special connection too. When I first started NC a few weeks ago, I felt like I was a rebound, naive, and inexperienced ... not anymore. The fault is not you, you are not responsible because you are naive or inexperienced. I am not saying it's alright for your ex or mine to hurt us, but indeed it's a nature of divorcees (I shouldn't be generalizing), but they are really screwed emotionally and it only hurt more trying to figure out what went wrong. It helps for me to think that she should be the one analyzing and figuring out what she wants. I already knew what I was bringing to the table when I went into a relationship with her. My feelings for her was pure, so there's nothing I need to analyze. You did the right thing implementing NC .. he needs time and space to heal from his divorce. If he has to do it on somebody elses' clock, it shouldn't be yours. Hang in there bestfish... you did the right thing.
  22. L.J.

    Very Frustrating!

    L.J. replied to ecc's topic in Divorce Advice

    I have to agree with Ellie. Very sound advise to make changes on the external issues before probing into the internal. Take care of the coins, the dollar will take care of itself.
  23. L.J.

    Very Frustrating!

    L.J. replied to ecc's topic in Divorce Advice

    Though a bi-cultural relationship has nothing much to do with it, sticking up for yourself is not going to work either. You have lived in Japan and you know how it's like living in a dichotomy, only you know you will be coming back to your homeland. She's well aware going back with you to hers is not an option. Losing a love one is a painful experience as you already know, most of us in this forum are hurting ... try multiplying that by a hundred times and imagine all of us trying to heal losing not only our partner but family, friends, values, identity, speech, including daily routines... everything. Learning a new language is essential and important but that is the last thing in her mind right now. She's still adjusting. It's only been a few months since May. Grieving for a lost of an entire life is going to take time. I know it's hard and it's hell, she might not even be aware that she's dumping her rotten mood on you. Doing the house chores and buying her gifts indicate you are very nice. Though I'm sure she appreciates, but it doesn't eliminate the problems. Time, patience and encouragement will. Help her adjust. She needs to learn how to live a new life before she can learn a new language. Instead of doing the house chores and buying gifts, bring her to the Japanese or Asian grocery stores. Cook, invite friends over for dinner and hang out so she can have friends too. She might slowly realize that she's got to learn English if she wants to hang out with non Japanese speaking friends or wants to be independent. Just some thoughts ... I lived in Japan and many other countries for years. I'm English speaking and still had a hard time re-adjusting. And the other posts are right, it's more than dynamics of the relationship you dealing with. Good luck
  24. L.J.
    Terk, For personal matters, you're not successful in maintaining NC. It's hard on you. Are you in the process of settling these personal matters so you can be successful? It's hard to come home to the house and you can't sell it for financial reason. For your own sanity, would it be possible to rent it out temporarily, live with friends or family until you're emotionally stronger to deal with it later on? If this is not possible, do you think finding a housemate, maybe a male friend with different taste of music from yours help distract the good and bad memories? Just some thoughts. She has been working on figuring out what is "important" since she moved out. You have to do the same. "YOU" and "YOUR HEALTH" is the most important right now. Don't let anything convince you otherwise. Take care, I'm with you.
  25. L.J.
    RayKay, Very encouraging post and perspective. Thanks!! Yeah, for so long I was being the most sincere, understanding and supportive partner I could be. I failed utterly to recognize the fact that I'm dealing with another human being who might interpret values in a relationship very differently. I believe I might be at the stage you refer to as "turning point" but am uncertain if I've really decided not even want to go back yet. I am hoping to get there soon. Guess what I learned last night is how a healthy relationship should be... now I just need to come to term that my relationship can't be. Thanks for pointing out the positive of "no contacts" and it also helps to know that I'm taking a very good step.
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