L.J.

Hi there, Waslovinghusband, it sucks when she wasn't reaching out and in your case, she's passing you up for someone else. Indeed their loss!! Yeah, I'm beginning to realize we need to focus on what we want to become and I'm getting better at it. I crossed the 3rd week line of NC as of yesterday. Well, not exactly, depending on how I choose to look at it. I picked up the phone when it rang thinking it was for work when she called. Small talk. I was kinda proud of myself in cutting the conversation short and not talking about '"us". It really screwed me up emotionally for a few days. I was living in misery for 3 weeks. Last night a friend was going to a gathering and I accepted his invitation to join him. Most of people there are married or couples. It was melancholy for me at first but they are such nice people, by the end of the night, I was having a great time and realized how unhappy I was in my relationship. I was smiling again with this group of new found friends. Seeing them interact as couples teaches me what a healthy and sincere relationship should be and reinforced that I made the right decision to end mine. I came home at one in the morning feeling like I was being rewarded for my 3rd week of NC. I know I will fall into emotional turmoils and miss my ex again, least now I feel a little bit stronger now to maintain NC.

Remind yourself that the world always give us what we put into it, not what we tear out of it. He's out partying without you and having fun, think about it with positive energy. At the end of the day, his problem's still there ... "His" without you. You took the first positive step to get the ball rolling. It's a lonely and painful step, but you know what? It exhibit your strength and you continue to show it with your second step in figuring ways to settle the bills he racked up. When steps are accumulated, results prevail. You're already heading towards your goal and you're doing it on your own. You don't have to take him back. You are already in a position ahead of him and he's stucked at the same point. Sound like he's partying and having fun but he's still "behind" you.

maladjusted, though my situation is different from yours, there are similarities. The response I got from my post were incredibly helpful. Here's the link to my post and the very supportive responses I get from very wonderful people here: I understand how torn you are because I am too. I did the NC thing which is hurting me a lot because a part of me still love her and I want to know she is doing well. What's even harder is ignoring her calls. She called a number of times and left voice messages saying she still cares. It is painful to ignore them and maintain NC. In your case, I'm afraid your friends are right because she asked for space and time. I know you are looking for closure but give it time. If we are patient, sometimes questions get answered on their own, in ways more clearer than a straight-forward answer would be. I'm sorry this happened to you. Keep posting and let me know how you're doing. Take care.

William, you seem to be a sentimental guy like me. I can totally relate to how you are feeling and I understand you cannot pretend to feel otherwise. It might come accross like you are prolonging your pain but in actuality, it's a process of healing and growth. Yes, take it one day at a time. Most of us here are. I'm hoping time would slip through our fingers like sand. Hang in there and continue to post. You are not alone. -Best

Thanks, William, for the advise and encouragement. The process of recovering seems possible after reading your post. I agree with you that we are not alone, I'm not alone. Indeed, the words and advise I gathered from this forum are posted by truly wonderful people. Cheers!

I understand it's not a puzzle that magically fits. Bachinit gets it. Of course it takes time to feel each other out. You know you don't want something serious so even if it magically fits, it doesn't make a difference, is it not? Expect you to hang out by yourself? Oh no, of course not. No one should be hurt or be alone because they don't want to be in a relationship, but it sound like you want to be in a relationship. ______________________ He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.

What's your purpose to be in a relationship anyway if you are not intending it to progress to something serious?

You are missing the point again !! So if your co-worker is serious .. and later on want all that stuff, YOU ARE GOING TO DUMP HER ? Keep dumping and dumping until you are ready to be serious?

And you are right. You shouldn't ignore your own feelings .... nor the feelings of others.

I didn't think you are wrong in breaking up with her. Whether it's 3 weeks or 3 months, whether she's hurting or not is not the point. More important that not, in your previous post, in your own words, you knew she was looking for something more and you seemed pretty sure, least in your own words that you have nothing "long term" to offer. "Having been recently divorced, I don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship." Quote, unquote ... your words again. Are you ready now for a relationship with your current co-worker, or for that matter ... with anybody? See my point ? You sounded like a reasonable guy so don't concern yourself whether or not you are a jerk. I'd rather think about whether or not I'm ready to be in a relationship or if I have anything intrinsic to bring to the table. People get hurt if I don't ... be it 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years.

When all comes down to it, lying is another form of cheating, is it not? Sad he'd rather lie and run away instead of reaching out to love one for support. In any case, he's going to have to deal with the problems, all by himself now.

Yes, Jules, I agree and am taking baby steps to focus on putting my life together. I just started NC for about 2 weeks and I keep falling back into an emotional tail spin. Hopefully, I will feel better, even if it's not at your level in 3 months. I want to. Sometimes I wish there is a reason, my ex was cheating on me or something. Maybe what makes it so difficult is because I don't have anything to blame for what I am going through.

Thank you much for your post. It took some weight and doubts off my shoulder and in time I hope to be like you, able to discover myself, my ex, and see things in clarity. It's inspiring to know that some good can be acquired from a difficult situation. I wish you well and continuous upwards and onwards journey. Thanks again !!

It is hard for him to make decisions, more so because he has valid concerns (wife's health, daughter who's against your relationship and grand children). He's going to be torn for a long, long time. You have already waited two and a half years and you told him you would continue to wait no matter how long. Exactly how long would that be? Indefinitely? Are you prepared to accept if it doesn't happen in years to come or never at all? I am so sorry to hear your situation and can totally relate to the agony you are going through. I was somewhat in that situation for the last ten months, only my ex is divorced but cannot contribute to the relationship in a healthy way I wish it to be (due to kid and emotional turmoil). I am willing to wait but unwilling to influence or pressure her for answers to the above questions. I need to figure that out myself too but I can't in an environment with mixed emotions. Very much like you, I would wait for her no matter how long, but from a distant .. in absense. Painful as it is, sometimes the answers we seek reveal themselves with clarity when we step back. Please take care.

Not being very rational? Spent a good four years building a life together and tearing it apart on the expense of your heart, especially after finding someone first is not being irrational. She doesn't understand the difference between irrationality and weakness. In such a foul state of mind, how is she capable of making a choice .... oh well ... ignorance is a choice too. Hang in there pal ... she does not deserve to be drowned in a pool of tears, especially not yours !!

Hi there, I'm with you. I know how easy it is to feel weak. It is smart of you to block him from your email. I wish I can block her phone call. My phone rang couple nights ago and I picked up the phone without realizing it was her. It's bloody painful eversince and it really screwed up my enitre weekend. With every fiber in my body, I maintained NC for a week and now I'm in an emotional tailspin again. I'm tired and I'm sick and tired of being tired. Please be strong and resist the urge to make contact to tell him your are fine ... you won't be if you do. Temptation is like a spoonful of honey ... enough to sweeten the tongue but not enough to fill the whole mouth. Take care

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. The fact that it was out of the blue when she served you the papers, and she was not being open with what was bothering her indicates the intent is not a recent decision. It's selfish on her part to find some someone first before she serve the papers. I can understand how shocked and hurt you are. I am glad you moved into your new place because going back to the old one will only remind of the happy days, and it would be hard to deal with the pain and betrayal she served you. I wish there is something I can do or say to make the pain go away but I want you to know that you are not alone. I am hanging in there a day at a time myself and coming to this site is a great way to cope. The people here are SO supportive. They certainly help cushion my pain when I feel like I'm falling apart.

If you are going to Beijing and want to visit the Great Wall ..... go to Si Ma Tai. That's the most original section of the wall. If you are in Shanghai, catch a 45 minute ride by train to Suzhou ... beautiful, beautiful gardens. They call it "paradise on earth", "Venice of the East"

Reluctant Rebuilder, I feel for you and understand what you are going through for I am the same. I wish I can get out to take a break but I can't because of work and I don't have my family here with me. I live alone in this country. Here is the link to my thread: No, you are not selfish for wanting to be missed, to want her to feel sad. Maybe someday she will, or maybe not .. but that's ok. More important than not, you sound like a decent guy and you were sincere when you brought your heart into the relationship. It's hard but please hang in there ...we can !! I am glad you are taking a break to China. If you have not been there before, everything is going to be a fresh experience for you, the culture, the people, food, everything. There is much to learn and experience. You might not feel excited about the trip now, but you will when you reach there ... it's interestingly challenging even if you speak Mandarin .... Damn complicated in a positive way. Have a good trip and try to enjoy yourself ... you deserve it.

Thank you so much for responding DN, friscodj and Grokker. I truly appreciate your kindness. I am aware of that, DN, that she's causing me more pain than happiness. I will take your advise and stop permitting her from doing so. I have tried and will continue to try, friscodj, with every damn ounce of willpower if there is any left in me. I only hope it doesn't take another five years of burying myself in work. I want to be living my life too, you know. This really blows. Grokker, though I don't deliberately picked women who seem needy (least they weren't when I started dating them), what you said make so much sense. You paint it so clear and simple in your words, I am seeing a bigger picture of what is going on with me and my relationship(s). You guys are shedding light towards a right decision. So what does cutting it clean means? We have not been in touch since she left my house last week. Do I apply a NC right away or should I break off in person with her? Oh GAWD, this is so painful. I hope I don't fall to pieces.

Hi guys, After two years into a relationship, I moved in with my ex, held her hand in building a career, bought a house, worked on home improvements, and truly thought she was the one I was going to settle with. The relationship lasted 4 years before she decided that I was not the right man for her. I respected her decision gracefully, moved out but I was devastated. I had no one to turn to for support ( I am from another country and my close friends are her family). The grieving was long and tedious. I missed being in a relationship but was reluctant to date again until I am emotionally stable. I buried myself in work and focus on putting my life together. It has been five years now. 10 months ago I met someone and started dating again. She's 41, a divorcee with a teenage kid and I am 48. The relationship started out casually and I was careful. I asked how long she has been divorced. She told me 2 years so I thought it was alright and safe to be in a relationship with her. It wasn't intended to be a lie. I realized later she actually was separated for 2 years and still going through the legal proceedings. By then, I was already emotionally attached. We got intimate one night and right after sex, she told me that she was afraid she might hurt me because she's still not completely healed from her broken marriage. She's not capable of giving me fully of herself. She said she had prior relationships before me and had hurt other people, that she cares for me, wants to continue our relationship but I should not expect it to be a normal one in terms of her time and commitment. I was hurt, should walk away from the relationship, but it is also true she's going through an emotional roller coaster. Well, I also have to admit I am too weak to leave. I spent the last five years dealing with pain from a break up and fear having to do so again. We continue to see each other but only at her convenience. I try to be understanding because she's a busy single mom, has a career and needs to have time with her own friends too. Although I was introduced and met her friends once and her mom a couple of times, I was never invited to do things with them. It was always a female get together, a support group to deal with her divorce and depression so I never insist to be included. I wish we could spend more time together but am always reminded of the expectation we talked about. We see each other only for a few hours, once in every two or three weeks, just enough time for a romantic dinner and intimacy at my place. Though I have a comfortable home, she's not ready for whatever reasons to stay over. She has a teenage son. He doesn't know his mom and I are dating. I thought I was doing all the right things. I don't know because I have no experience in dating a divorced woman before. I only know how to be kind and sensitive to her. I care about her, she's going through a very painful transition. We make plans to go on a vacation three months ago and she cancelled on me, went on a short trip with her friends instead. When we first started dating, she had mentioned that she would like to go to Europe someday because she has never been there before. Last month she received news that her divorce was final and went into an emotional tail spin. While we were having dinner at a nice restaurant one evening, I offered to take her to Europe for a vacation. She declined my offer and since then things began to change. She doesn't return my phone calls promptly like she used to. When she does, conversation were short. We get together lesser and she refrain from intimacy with me. I talked to her about it and she said she had already warned me from the very beginning not to expect much from our relationship, that I will be hurt. I asked if she is seeing someone else and she say no. She wanted to take a step back from intimacy, put the relationship on hold (she doesn't know for how long, possibly forever it needed) but still want to be with me on a friendly basis because her life is so chaotic now. We left the conversation at that and she left for the night. This was last week. I am sad, devastated, depressed, angry with myself for getting into this but she is right. She had all the bases covered, she told me right from the start not to expect a normal relationship from her. I don't what to do, I am calling out for help before I fall apart. Thanks. ](*,)