matius

She hasn't read the letter yet. This is so painful for me. I love her so much and i want her to be mine so badly but she doesn't want it. Wow, I've been there before. Try not to take it so personally. Each person is different & just because you two are not a perfect match for each other...doesn't mean another cool chick isn't lying in wait somewhere. Of course, every situation is different.

HurtDude... I understand, but you did the right thing for sure. Somebody is out there that isn't so conflicted. i think cases where you dump someone because you have no choice is hard for both, but when you dump someone cuz you just arent in love or you dont like them anymore In my estimation, these are the same thing. Losing those certain feelings for someone doesn't mean the caring goes away.

I dumped her because she told me she doesn't see it happening between us, on several occasions. I think you're feeling emotional right now. That's fine. But the line above is all you need to know (IMHO). It's not working for her, so you did the right thing by breaking up. Contrary to popular belief, being the dumper sucks on the same level as the dumpee. I'm not sure where people get the idea that it sucks less to be the one hurting somebody.

You don't have to respond, that's keeping NC.

onelittleladybug - we learn from others experience, sorry to hear about your situation... I want her to keep her dignity in every respect - I will do what I can to do that...but how do you openly communicate your not happy with somebody or with their environment. I feel like telling her that and all of my other worries but think it's going to hurt no matter how I slice it. I also don't want to leave room for ambiguity.

Call me a sucker, but I'll always be a proponent of open communication This is true. The other side of the coin is say perhaps... - You talk, and she throws you out of the house. Might have been good to setup other living arrangements. - Or having to deal with the whole process of moving, exchanging documents, etc...right after the shattering talk. Seems like to me that could be cruel in some ways as well. The idea is to minimize the pain. Perhaps I will take the more organic approach. I don't know, this is my first large scale break up, before either I didn't live with the person or we didn't go out for as long...

He always changes the subject or just says he is tired from work or sleepy and just wants to go to bed. If I want sex I have to be the one that provokes him every time. catlover, sorry to hear this. I would for sure talk to him about how you are feeling and follow some of the suggestions above. this posts reminds me of my current situation...a far more unpleasant possibility... after i moved in with my girl we got in lots of small arguments that grew and grew until i think it put a wedge between us. i think through a lack of communication and misunderstandings my attraction to her sort of faded to black...

Not to mention bring in the moving truck, have her deal with getting my mail constantly, etc..etc... But I really see both sides to the argument.

thanks for your comments. what's funny is, no matter how hard I try and rationalize or ask questions that aim at sugar coating the situation ... all leads to one thing: It just sucks. DN - this quote I am very much identifying with right now... "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Quick synopsis...I really think my 2+ year relationship is going to end. My girlfriend is emotional so it won't be easy...even if she happens to agree. I've been reading through a lot of posts and see the recurring NC theme. I realize this is important, but we live together. So I'm just wondering how it can be so clean cut... For example, finding an apartment is one thing. Dealing with re-routing all of the mail, helping with bills for the remainder of the month -- the every day life stuff that is going to be a constant reminder for a while. How do you deal with that and still manage NC? It just seems ruthless to manage everything (get a move-in date, change the address to all mailings, plan out how much you're going to give her for the rest of the month, etc...etc.) -- then pick the date to talk with her and carry it out like a surgeon. Know what I mean? Is this a necessary evil...? Any ideas or past experiences to help minimize the impact?

one time she called me crying drunk saying she missed me and all this stuff but the next day said she didnt remember anything. Not sure what her motive is but I def. agree with rsxguy520... I wouldn't give her the time of day -- I know somebody just like this, and when I look back I wish I just started walking the other way without looking back.

I guess to a point though. If it's more work than pleasure, is it worth it?

Well, you say there are issues with the apartment. If he needs to be involved then so be it. If he is needed for this and doesn't respond then he is being irresponsible.

Those serious talks are all about each of you telling the other to CHANGE. So true. I didn't really think of it like that...

Ryan... I've been in that situation exactly. The only answer (IMHO), is that life gets messy. In your case, it may be that she is immature or unstable. Usually a few years & some reflection time sorts it out for you...

So I've been debating whether or not to break up with my girlfriend of 2+ years for the past week. Seriously, this has to be one of the most physically/mentally stressful situations on the planet. These boards have been really good at keeping my mental state in check... I can finally summarize the problems I see in 3 points: 1. Sexually, there is no lust or passion. In fact, sex is only occasional -- I believe we've been in so many arguments & ego clashes along the way -- somehow for me the attraction has evaporated to some extent (is this normal or am I losing it?). 2. There is a very high probability that within a years time she will be moving out of state for school. Not certain, but probable. 3. We had at least 3 'serious' talks. You know the ones where we ask ourselves what's going on, that we're tired of feeling this way...she is staring off into space with glassy eyes & I'm feeling bewildered. Each time we tell ourselves we'll both try ... but again I'm back at the same conversation (the 4th prompted this whole thought process). On the other hand, she is a wonderful person & does care about me and my family a lot. I do to about her -- I'm not looking forward to initiating this split at all. But if you read those points above it hurts me to know that the relationship isn't being satisfied long-term more than it would for the first few months of a break up. Especially when I don't feel a positive change coming. Another thing is I'm not looking to get married or have kids for a long time - if at all - She knows this, but deep down probably thinks I'm just trying to shirk responsibility and I'll soon change...I feel guilty about that. I don't want to spoil her chance of having a family. Late 20's, probably the right time to get started... >> Would you consider these qualified points to begin thinking about the end? >> Maybe this should be another post, but if we did split up... How can it gracefully be carried out? I mean, she may agree with me or throw me to the curb. I hate having to look at apartments and plan to have movers come in the same day I have the talk. How have you all handled this in the past... It's easy to see how people opt to stay comfortable huh... As usual, thanks for your thoughts.

As I was saying, it's going to be hard seeing him if he makes it big. I mean he'll be everywhere, on television and on the radio. It's going to drive me crazy because of what I could of had, but then again he would have been touring alot and all of the fans. There would have been alot of temptation and we probably would have broken up anyway. Right, but that's part of what everyone is trying to say. Nothing he does should make your life less. Wish him the best, and with any luck he will make it. Then you find what makes YOU happy & you too can be a success. BTW, there are a lot of circles that think fame is overrated.

I would make sure to tell that guy to mind his damn business that's for sure, then cutoff all contact from the situation altogether. And I agree it sounds like she is trying to make you jealous.

bella321 - thank you for your comment, it might have been just what I needed to enjoy the holidays...you do the same. M

I see 'NC' all over the boards. What does this stand for??? North Carolina just doesn't seem to add up.

I drove him away by not trusting him and constantly spying on him, that in itself shows that I have serious issues. Is it possible that you were doing these things for a reason? I was over protective & suspicious of my first girlfriend many years ago, probably too much. But looking back on it, there was very good reason for it. Try to let it go, be happy for him & hope that he fulfills his dreams. Otherwise, the resentment & bitterness you hold will destroy you. Just because your relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that you don't care for him & want him to do well. You have to make your life happen for you, not him...that's not his responsibility. And you'll see that it will with time & effort. Life is rough, all we can do is try to smooth it out.

My first question is, if you love each other, and that love is more special than anything you've ever known - should you rather hold onto it, work with it? Why would you want to split up with your girlfriend if she's as wonderful as you describe? It seems like madness! So what is it that makes you want to pull the plug? She is wonderful, but perhaps we're not wonderful together. I love her, but am I 'in love' with her -- not so obvious, this ambiguity is disturbing. My second question is, are you still strongly attracted to other girls, and feel your gaze constantly straying when your with your girlfriend? Initially, we would get in little arguments that grew stronger. Pretty soon they would bother me for more than just a short period, until the nuances began to annoy me. In my estimation, this led to a decline of sexual activity and attraction. Sad but true, I really feel like once are personalities clashed, it has been more difficult to feel total attraction. I'm afraid as a result my eyes may wander from time to time, but in some cases I suppose that's natural. I would never act on it in a committed relationship. As for the being in love & children and all. I've been up front with her since the beginning about not really wanting children -- and not wanting to get married for a very long time.

Torn for sure. This relationship has been damaged by external factors, so it clouds my judgment. For example, I am in school & work full time (stressful enough). I have hardly anytime for my artwork which is a very large portion of my life. Her work/school is stressful as well. On the weekend, when I have very small amount of time to work on my things...she is bewildered and upset I don't want to hang with her. Not always completely understanding of my need to pursue my dreams. But I also understand the need to spend time with her. It's often a conflict. --> Now she may be leaving for school in another state...in which I cannot possibly go. Say we did turn this around and started to bend to each others will...things are better, then she leaves. What's that time worth? Is it fair to the both of us?

Pain...the thought of having to end a relationship and hurt somebody so sweet is difficult to bare. You love their family, they love you...there are plans for the immediate future. I know that's life - in the same vein it's like a death... I know this girl really loves me so I've decided to layout everything that's wrong with the relationship out on the table in plain daylight - perhaps coming to a conclusion I haven't thought of -- try to understand what she's feeling about everything. I'm worried that with things laid out it will be obvious to the both of us things may have gone too far South though. Right now, if it comes down to it I want to give her the opportunity to not just be the dumpee...I want her to try and think about why certain things just might not work and let her end things just the same. Has anyone here ever managed to end something amicably, or at least in some sort of agreement? I realize tears & sadness will still flow -- but at the very least I know that the pain has been minimized to some extent. ...seems just so much to deal with. Probably the same as somebody passing.

First off, thank you for each comment. I appreciate your taking the time to give such great advice... Dont tell me you live in a state without schools I wont believe that. It depends, only certain schools have this particular field of study -- where you can get in depends on a mixture of grades & test scores. Not looking good for the local university here. I understand there are better elsewhere for this too. We'll be apart for Christmas this year so I'll have some space to think. As much as it hurts that things have been sliding downhill, it's worse to think she might be leaving. A long distance relationship isn't something I would consider. It's 3+ years she'll be gone. Basically, what I'm saying is if she moves then what's the time worth we spend trying to fix the relationship between now & then? Again, you've given me a lot to think on. So thx. Enjoy the holidays!