hazeleyed

But maybe I do have a problem? Maybe I am just too mouthy for them...she says I spoiled her day and i told her she spoiled my day too. I dunt think I am that fat , I still have my baby fat on me but I am making a vow here from onwords: I will not rest in peace till I get the body of perfection then no one can point fingers at me. I am tired of this battle of weight and body...

Carolineq: my sister wears tight tops, my mother even bought her a mini skirt...but it was always the opposite with me. I could never wear tank tops, or tube tops... but recently i heard my mom wanted to get my sister a tank top...lol

RayKay: My moms never had an issue with jealousy. Shes an attractive women herself...maybe I am just not good looking for the family...maybe i can never be a good daughter. maybe I am just too ugly.

Its not about wearing tight tops or lose tops...its about creating this enviornment for me that when I do ever wear them I will always have this fear that maybe I am looking ugly? It hurts when your own mother calls you ugly and says your fat...I guess I am fat and ugly...

RayKay: I understand what you mean but sometimes its really hard to especially since your self esteem is down in the gutters and your holding on to a last thread. As I spoke to you previously about weight I am really trying to lose it. I feel like I am ugly as hell now because my mom just came upstairs telling my sister how "if ur sister is fat den i will call her fat" if she is ugly then i will call her ugly"....I want to go back to university..i hate living at home.

Hi Ta_ree_saw, I dont know why she does what she does. I just heard her telling my sister that shes honest and i have issues. She continued saying that if your sister is fat then shes fat...if shes ugly shes ugly...i dont need to lie. No one is as heavy as me. I started developing the chest when I was on Birth control to regulate my periods. I dont think its jealousy I dont know what it is...shes really hurting me by saying stuff like this. I feel ugly..everytime i try to lift myself up some thing always happens that makes me go right back in the gutter.

I am a little upset right now because I have been having conflicts with my mother. I have been shopping for clothes and that is where conflict starts. I am a girl who has a heavy bust and when I wear these tight shirts it clearly shows. Now my question is, if I have a heavy bust its not my fault so why does my mom have a problem with me wearing a tight shirt? She always has a way of making me feel like crap after trying these clothes on. Honestly, it just makes me feel bad about having one and everytime I try liking my body I have a reason to hate it. My mom just makes me really angry and then when I start talking back she starts telling me how I have an attitude problem and how I just want everyone to praise me and this and that. When has this woman ever praised me? No one has ever said "oh you are beautiful". I have learnt from myself that I am a good lookin girl and from the experiences I have had. So where does this let her think that I just want praises and I have an attitude problem?

Hi Meek3408, Thank you. Also I am sure you can write its all about emotions. Your only 15 and as you grow older and experience life even more you will come to write how you feel.

Phoenix69: I guess I am hard on people but I am being careful for myself too. I do not want to get hurt in the process because even friends like these leave pain behind. I just dont want to be bothered with caring for him yet he seems determined to make it up to me. I dunno...my mind is saying that something isnt right about this friendship. I agree trust could be an issue in the relationship that he has with his girl , however, where does all this lead too in end? If you are to take away all your friends from the opposite sex how do you work in an enviornment that has girls or guys there? It feels like you are walking on an egg shell....I dunno I guess I am talking from experience with my ex where I got isolated because I wasnt told directly but indirectly who it was okay to talk to and who it wasn't okay to talk too. So this type of stuff just triggers the stuff I dislike.

Phoenix69: Thank you for your reply, but its nothing to do with a crush. I think if it was anyone coming in and going out as they please it would be a disaster and those kinda people are better at just being aqauintances then real friends. Maybe I have too high of standards but I think him coming back with an excuse of his girlfriend is unacceptable and I just find it high schoolish. WHat happened to his own identity? Just because you are in a relationship you cant have friends from the opposite sex? I think its retarded.

Well my story is pretty straight forward I think, so here goes: I have worked at a store for about a year where I met this guy and we became friends instantly. We had a lot in common and we often talked till the morning. Anyway he had a girlfriend so our friendship was just a friendship. Anyway a few months down the road he stopped coming online and I didnt see him at work because I had moved to University. 2 months later I see him at the store working and the same night he adds me back online and explains why he disappeared. His reason was that his girlfriend didnt like him talking to any girls so he blocked all the girls from the list. Just the way he said it made me more angry because I felt that this was not a reasonable response. Afterall when you become friends with someone you do have some duty towards him/her. A simple email could have been fine with me that explained what happened. Anyway I forgave him but I was a little worried so I stayed in check. A few months again and he disappeared. I figured this time he had blocked me and so I called him to see if everything was okay and to his response the phone was disconnected and the email I sent came back with an error. So this past Saturday me and him worked and he kept eyeing me and I just gave him a dirty look and walked away. I dont appreciate people like him who dont know the meaning of friendship. So he added me back and said the same thing. My girlfriend didnt know who you were and didnt want me talking to girls. So I deleted and blocked you and Iam really sorry. He continued saying that his girlfriend talked to me once and figured I was a pretty cool girl and told me to you back. Now what are most of you reading this thinking by now? You know I was realllllly pist off and I am like you know I dont care what you do because obviously you have thought of me as nothing but a co-worker. I think I was stupid enough to think that he would be a friend. He then stated that he had priorities....i am like OKKKK so then stop coming back into my life it so simple? Hes like I am sorry I hurt your feelings. I am like you didnt...I was trying to be strong because I dont want him to know anything anymore. I think I want to keep him out of my life and dont want to waste anymore energy on something that he seems to have no power over. My friendship with him is based on his girlfriends approval. I dont want to have anymore expectations from him. He said he wants to try harder this time to make it up to me because I am a good person and he cares for me. However, if he cared for me then i dunno... Any inputs? Suggestions? What do you guys think I should do? Am I thinking right because I don't find his attitude classy. If i dont put a stop to this he can just come in and out whenever he pleases with an excuse of his girlfriend.

Thank you Robowarrior. Thank you TBAngel: Yes I am trying and I am glad you found my words uplifting.

Thank you Dubzuk

Its not ideas, its my experiences of life. When you feel really strongly about something the ideas just flow. I dont call myself a poet because a poet usually can write about anything anywhere anytime. With me I usually write when I am down or really happy and words just flow as i type or write....which is why it takes 5 minutes to 10 minutes to write something like this.

I guess its an okay job for a 5 minute thought? lol

Straight From The Heart : moving my poem in the poetry section of the forum! Sorry for any inconvinence. Your thoughts are welcome. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As I sat there searching through the old books, I saw a picture of you and me. I couldn't stop myself from looking at it. It reminded me of all the times we had, the trust I put into this the love, the feelings and dreams that were in it all. As I looked deeper into the pages I found that it was all a lie. As tears rolled down my cheek I began to wonder why. Even after a few months you remained in my heart even after all the pain that crawled Sometimes I wish I could just erase it all and stop the pain Despite knowing how much you hurt me I still had hopes. With tears in my eyes I gave you many chances feeling you would change for all I knew you just lied over again My friendship never meant anything because it all started with a lie As the abuse got worse I began to turn cold and became the monster I never meant to be I retaliated and fought with everything I ever had and now I sit here with an empty soul and heart Thoughts of us race through my mind when my heart shatters even more. I continue gazing at the picture the night I found out everything was a joke. I fought the world , I left my friends as I walked towards you with my arms open I never thought the day would come when I would fight with myself to leave It was hard, it took courage but the first step was to retrieve As I looked back over my shoulder I saw the dreams I had built It all seemed like a sand castle washed away by my tears. A few months later I saw you again laughing and moving on your way. I felt a tinge of anger and hurt while I hid my tears away. I wouldn't let you see the scars you left behind because for the first time I knew I could make it inside I didn't need the world, I didnt need you as long as I had God beside I then understood the meaning of it all and carried it forward as the days passed. I woke up from day to day and wondered where to start my life. I had nothing yet everything but the worst was loss of sight. The world had seemed to forgotten me and had moved on their life. It was lonely for the first few times but it built my strength inside. As days passed, months passed I stopped letting myself hurt With a nervous heart I continued to walk the what seemed hardest road of my life. Remaining calm I looked above and smiled at the stars for the first time in many years I laughed once more again.

As I sat there searching through the old books, I saw a picture of you and me. I couldn't stop myself from looking at it. It reminded me of all the times we had, the trust I put into this the love, the feelings and dreams that were in it all. As I looked deeper into the pages I found that it was all a lie. As tears rolled down my cheek I began to wonder why. Even after a few months you remained in my heart even after all the pain that crawled Sometimes I wish I could just erase it all and stop the pain Despite knowing how much you hurt me I still had hopes. With tears in my eyes I gave you many chances feeling you would change for all I knew you just lied over again My friendship never meant anything because it all started with a lie As the abuse got worse I began to turn cold and became the monster I never meant to be I retaliated and fought with everything I ever had and now I sit here with an empty soul and heart Thoughts of us race through my mind when my heart shatters even more. I continue gazing at the picture the night I found out everything was a joke. I fought the world , I left my friends as I walked towards you with my arms open I never thought the day would come when I would fight with myself to leave It was hard, it took courage but the first step was to retrieve As I looked back over my shoulder I saw the dreams I had built It all seemed like a sand castle washed away by my tears. A few months later I saw you again laughing and moving on your way. I felt a tinge of anger and hurt while I hid my tears away. I wouldn't let you see the scars you left behind because for the first time I knew I could make it inside I didn't need the world, I didnt need you as long as I had God beside I then understood the meaning of it all and carried it forward as the days passed. I woke up from day to day and wondered where to start my life. I had nothing yet everything but the worst was loss of sight. The world had seemed to forgotten me and had moved on their life. It was lonely for the first few times but it built my strength inside. As days passed, months passed I stopped letting myself hurt With a nervous heart I continued to walk the what seemed hardest road of my life. Remaining calm I looked above and smiled at the stars for the first time in many years I laughed once more again.

Yeah as a girl growing up I had developed breasts in grade 5-6 when girls were still in their training bras I was wearing a B-C...and it was awkward at times. This guy came up to me and was like "do you wear a bra?". I Donno people are dumb and are rude...kids ugh

Everything worked out as I discussed in the email with Scout. Thank you so much for your support. I am going to finish these hours and be the best I can be. The other two investigators love me.

Well then just continue praying and hoping to grow as a person. Do not let her still be in control by thinking of her. Let go for today.

are you satisfied with him?

If your working out, wear dark coloured pants!

I believe Karma exists. I have been in an abusive relationship and I have decided to walk away. It is hard because in the cycle of abuse the truth is you go back , get hurt, walk away, go bak...etcetc...But I am going to stop this. However, in order to heal and move on you need to forgive not for her but for yourself. That is the first step towards healing. You need to focus your energy on yourself in trying to heal and become solid again. Once your solid within yourself you wont attract losers again. Do you Pray? Are you religious?

I would say it all depends on the guy because change is something that the individual is capable of doing. I have followed your stories and it sounds like this guy is weird. I wouldnt want to get back with a guy who has scared me, tried to make me jealous, who talks about his ex. You have had the chance to get out and even if it is really hard right now you need to just simply walk away. Sometimes the hardest things to do in our life are the most rewarding later in life. Although you might not feel this way but it will happen gradually once you let yourself see the bigger picture instead of just him saying hes "changed".

LostInMyThoughts: I will once I get a digi camera butwhybother: Yeah she did it with a gun and it hurt. A tear rolled down my cheek but then this bystander (lady) told me to hold my nose from above to stop the pain. I held it for 2 minutes and it slowed down the pain I felt. I guess it happened so fast that I didnt really feel the pain before hand. I got my ears done with a needle when I was like 3-4 months (baby). Lastly, Thank u - this is something that I wanted done for a while, I am trying to change the way I look physically ....first step is a success!!!