hazeleyed

life has brought so many tears my way the one i trusted made me smile yet left so many scars the things i used to admire about life threw me a curve ball the things i could claim were mine were never mine to begin with ...the smile on my face which was set by you was fake yet i still have the crazy idea t osmile again and find my soul to show the world how i can keep going. i see you in the halls yet i am fighting for a cause and your still the same guy you used to be. nothing changes, nothing remains the same yet tears do come to my eyes only because i finally got up and left this is my heart, this is my soul...i will find peace again only because life has brought me so much to think about. you think u have won , but you have just made me stronger ...the craze i feel , the heartbeat that beats faster ...the motivattion to get up and do well with my life is only because u brought me to my lowest and now is the time to get up for me...the craze to be so scuessful thas the only thing that i have control over....thas theonly thing that makes me happy i will keep going...i havent lost anything....i have gained nothing but experience and the love for myself....and the ability to never stop believing in myself

All those nights where i slept alone weeping in one corner All those days where i didnt go to school All those mornings where I couldnt get up from bed thinking about all the shame u put me through...all those moments where u left me with so many marks that nobody could see but myself. Remember those moments when you said all those mean things to me, they stung at me like a bee...all those days where I felt lonely and couldnt utter a word to anyone because you had isolated me...all those pointless conversations yet never meaning anything in the end...every moment , every day...i cried alone, died alone...each breath I took felt like a life time pass by...now you are with your new girlfriend showing her off to the world thinking you are winning....that smile on your face, those sneaky looks you and your group give me as I pass by...you have no idea ...no idea how much u will never hurt me, how happy I am without you...u have no clue how free I feel, none of you will ever destroy what took me years to build...none of you will ever even touch my spot again....you can break my heart over n over again but you will never break my spirit AGAIN! Since I owe it to all my tears I owe it to my family I owe it to my friends who helped me survive I owe it to my body which suffered every night I owe it to my soul which suffocated every minute I owe it to that smile I lost somewhere after I was with you I owe it to everything that I had in my life before I ever met you! Because it just wouldnt be fair , it wouldnt be just for me to let you ruin my life over n over again...it wouldnt work if I kept letting you hurt me and control my life over n over again...the dreams we had together never existed, all those happy moments between us died a long time ago...it never existed...you are just an illusion and i am finally breaking the SILENCE!

a relationship is like a family ....when one is down u do anything to cheer them up...a relationship is like god the one who lissens to ur cries even in silence..a relationship is like the sunshine which awaits you with open arms...a relationship is strength which can conquer all , a relationship is the support which gives us the energy to move forward, the relationship is a foundation which provides us with the empathy and a relationship fulfills that empty spot somewhere within us with so much love.

During school it depends when I eat...sometimes i eat really early, somedays nothing at all till the night. It varies from time to time.

hey, yeah i lose that amount of hair everyday but htis is like chunks coming out ....i have nevr had that happen to me before so I was freaking out ...

Thank you Ellie2006

Hi, Thank you for the information. The websites will be of great help because I am only 20!!! I am freaking out because I have curly, thick hair and now it seems like its thinning down....kinda scary when ur just starting ur life lol...

Yeah, if it doesnt stop I will get some tests done. I heard it might be due to some vitamins missing in my system as well...however, i wont know anything till I get myself tested.

Hi , the weather is cold but it might be due to poor diet....maybe...

Thank you for the reply. I am in univrsity so the whole stress of grad school has come...plus i never get any time off anymore...its one after the other...nuting ever slows down or stops

Hi , thank you for your reply. I dont iron my hair at all. I do have curly hair which I sometimes have to vigoriously brush out because of all the tangles. I have been stressed out for the past month but before this I have been stressed out as well and this has never happened. thereforeeee I am not really sure what it is. I did have my hair highlighted but then again I had them highligted before too. THis is the first time I am getting chunks of hair come out. While braiding my hair I noticed that my braid was thin too...

Hi Guys, I have been really stressed out this past month and myhair is falling out. It has never happened before. Everytime I shower, comb my hair or just anything hair falls....whats wrong? Any Advice??!! Hazeleyed

Thank you Caldus

Hi , has anyone taken a course with athabasca that can provide me with some urgent information? Please message me or post here!!! Thank you Hazeleyed

Thanks for you reply. Maybe I am depressed, life doesnt slow down for anyone. I really need to get back on my toes and I am trying. I am not sure how I feel anymore because I have shut down even to myself. The emotions I feel are starting to bottle up and I am losing myself again. I am a person who likes keeping in touch with myself and I think somewhere along the lines I lost that. its okay...everyone has their weak days....maybe today is my day.

A semester of school is finished and I am back home for the breaks. I am not sure how I did this semester even though this year counts a lot towards my big next step that iwant to take. As a child growing up I always doubted my abilities and had issues with my esteem. One probably needs to believe in themselves more when they have dreams that are not attainable to all. Some say that its good to dream but you have to have the courage to do something about it. I thought I had it in me but I see myself slowly fading away. Everytime I have a ray of hope something happens that challenges and tests my faith and belief in myself. I went to school this year after ending an abusive relationship and had this new attitude to me. I felt I could achieve the stars if I wanted and I was doing whatever I could in my power to achieve my happiness. I went to the gym regularly, I made new friends, I was happy until I fell sick. I got pneounia which kept me out of school for a month. It was so disappointing because I fell behind and once you fall behind at university all you do is play catch up. Boy I wish things were different today. I came out of my midterms with a headache, my teachers who should have been praising me praised other students in front of me and I felt this terrible ache ...the ache I didnt want to feel. As I was packing to come home I was unsure of how my marks would be. I know I tried my best but I know it wasnt the best I could give. I envied my friend who had it all going for her, I envied how she could party and still keep going. She had her rough days but yet she never let it affect her. While me on the other hand got affected by everything and everyone. If someone said something to me or even brought me up I would feel like I am doing something wrong, I would take hours to analyze it. I started losing my courage, my faith and everything. MY new friends started backing off and I didnt seem to understand why. Little did I know it wasnt my issues but their own issues they had to resolve before the could be my friends. It hurt a lot...although i was in a crowd I always felt alone and unwanted. Guys just wanted to get in my pants and girls just wanted to gossip. I felt lost and alone ...I felt like something inside me had been burnt...I had enough of school and I felt as if I was mentally exhausted. I always tried pleasing my roommate because I didnt want to bug her. Deep down inside I felt as if i screwed something with her it would affect me for the rest of the year. She is very picky and chosey and whenever I did try she was cold towards me. It felt hard to get along with her and I became extroverted. But now hopefully things will be ok...maybe it was just me and this semester being bad, I dont know but something inside me is tired of trying to please the whole world. Something inside me has no more energy to do so. A close friend of mine who I thought was special just used to me and said the kiss was just special but he didnt want anything from it. I felt betrayed because he knew out of all the people how vulnerable I was. Yet he didnt care and now he doesnt even talk to me. He stopped calling, he stopped messaging and whenveer I messaged he would just talk to me like a stranger. I saw how many girls talked to him and how many messages they left him. I felt useless and unlovable there too. When I sat on my laptop and opened my word document my mind was blank for hours a day. It seemed like all i could do was bang my head against the wall because nothing would come to me. I ended up having to hand in my essays late and what was a good mark turned into an avgerage marked. It hurt me to know that because I put so much into it...every little bit I had which i had gathered for the essay...it hurt, it stung but no one could understand my pain. My friend started ignoring me whenever he was with this girl, he would tell me another thing but do another. Secretly I thought he liked me but something told me that I was full of myself for thinking that. No ones world revolves around me when i cant even revolve my world around myself. I am not sure how to get up anymore...i am not sure how to have courage. In the middle of all this my friend who I was working with on an assignment became my enemy. She who had known me didnt seem to understand how important family was to me and accused me of not doing my work. WHen I clearly did my work and at times could not physically be present. This annoyed her because she is the type of person who needed the person physically there....but it awwed me when one day she attacked me and said i didnt contribute anything and that i chose to go home to my parents rather than stick around and finish my work. It was shocking because I had handed my work into her and all she had to do was put it in there...she had always known i go home on those days ....and so i walked out of the group because I couldnt do my assignment with someone who thought i didnt contribute anything. i did not want to live with that for the rest of my life that someone thought I got a free mark. I hope I did well on that asisignment, it was 20 pages to be done in 3 days! As I sit here now reflecting on this past semester, I feel like I need to become stronger. I feel as if I shoulda stayed home for university...I feel like my character is weak and I dont know anything on how to build myself up. I know I have it in my to make it to grad school and I just need to work harder but something inside me is being eaten alive and I dont know how to deal with it... Sometimes i cry at night alone because I am not sure what to do ....i feel myself moving far from my inner self into a darker hole in life. I feel myself getting grumpier and Bi*chier as days go by....this is not what I used to be...this is not who I want to be but I cant seem to help it anymore. Just feels like this semester was all wrong....maybe i wasnt prepared for it but i guess we never are in life are we.

I walk out of work thinking about my summer without you I remember how I thought I always needed you I remember how life had thrown me so far down As I continue walking I look up and see the light shining bright I think about how many tears I cried for you How much I had to beg you to stay in my life I threw all my passions and dreams of becoming something away I just wanted a chance with you A chance to be held, to be loved and to be take care off But you blew it all in my face Today as I walk with my head held high I am glad I walk with my head held high I feel stronger than yesterday I feel happier than before I no longer cry for you Days pass when I miss you and often wonder what you are doing The memory of that night comes to mind when I decided to say my final goodbye That moment was hard, that minute was cold, and that second that passed it got tougher I kept walking without looking back Now I am going to be somebody I am going to be stronger I am going to be tougher and be somebody who I wanted to be As I smile I am glad I learnt the lesson when I did

Thanks icemotoboy, appreciate your kind words.

Alright, thanks for your advice DN!

Maybe, but I think I am just going to take this day and not expect anything from this. I donno if this makes sense.

Well as many of you know I have had bad experience at my internship. My boss hasnt been the nicest person. Anyway I wanted to post and let you guys know a good experience I had today with him. I knew he was working alone today but I need to finish the hours so I went sorta afraid of me having a bad day. Except I was greeted with a smile and he was welcoming. He showed me around more things. let me type things up for him, went to lunch withme, took me and his partner to buy some thing...it was like he did a 360 in the personality department. I told him that I had gotten a great review and he said yeah i know, I read it before I signed it. I am like alright cool. He was actually sweet. But one thing I really learnt today was that I really want to be like him in many ways. Smart, funny, cocky(not always but u noe). I actually wanted approval from him which is why I guess everything he said or did made me upset. Anyway today was a great day!

He doesnt seem to want to talk about anything but the past. Whenever I try to be nice he thinks theres a chance...but how do I just move on? How can I get to know anyone anymore when I am hurting so bad...I cant even stop crying...its been 8 days where I cry every day and I cant sleep properly and then when other parts of my life suffer I beat myself up even more.

Lately , I have been talking to my ex and it hasn't been easy. I dont know why I cant stop myself from talking to me or why I give him such importance when all he does is makes me feel like trash. Whenever I say something mean to him he holds it over my head yet hes done so much to hurt me and scar me yet that stuff has never been mentioned. All I wanted was love and I looked in the wrong place and now I hate myself for even calling him or giving him the second chance where he screwed me over so bad. Why does it still hurt so much , lately all he does is yell at me or he becomes nice to me and asks me if I miss him and when I say no hes back to yelling and being cold. I hve to call him a 100 times in order for him to even pick up and then his attitude becomes like hes better then me. Whenever I try to raise the topic of how hes hurt me its like he has 100 things ready that I have said and done. I feel like hitting something or banging my head against the wall, its like I lose control because I donno whut to do. I feel like garbage after talking to him...its like i am some sort of trash...its like its all my fault for everything. He says how I have treated him like crap , stepped on him and spit in his face too...but all i have done is answered back to him with whatever meanness or cruelness hes shown or the lies he has done. I mean what the hell is wrong with me...why cant I just move past everything and forget him. Why Am I letting him treat me like crap, I am sorry I thought this would lessen my pain but its like I am just opening my wounds over n over again..maybe i just like living like this...maybe I am an idiot.. I do not want to go back but I dunno how to forgive him and myself. Whenever I go back I just get more stuff from him that makes me feel like I am at fault here and I have been really cold to him, and that the relationship got screwed because of me. I am an emotional wreck again and i hate myself for doing this.

The night so beautiful, so fresh so sweet As I take off my slippers and walk bare feet The moon is shining while everything else is dark As my feet touch the sand I feel the coldness of the sand The warm summer wind blows at my face As I stop to fix my hair I look upon the stars While the moon shines as bright as your eyes The stars twinkle upon me like a guiding light The sound of waves hitting the rocks seems so peaceful It truly feels as if I am in heaven I close my eyes and picture us happy As I go deeper into the reflection I also remember the fights As I lift my eyes up to the sky I knew God was giving me courage inside Once again I see a picture of you and softly wish you goodbye

awesome poem!