mercury25

I don't think there's any good reason for him to act *that* coldly toward you, even if he did just lose a loved one. You're a loved-one too (supposed to be one anyway), and don't deserve to be treated badly.

Yes, I would say...break up with her. Whether what you're feeling is 'right' or 'wrong', the fact remains...you're feeling it. And that's not how you're supposed to feel when you're in love. I just got dumped recently. I was utterly in love with him. Was completely content and not interested in other men, either their looks or their mind. But he apparently didn't feel the same way. So...it had to end. As far as I'm concerned, if one or both of you wants to 'keep looking', the relationship needs to end. It doesn't matter how much one or both of you feel like "Oh but I'll probably end up with you, but I just wanna keep looking *just in case*..." I think that's b.s....when you find someone you're really happy with, you don't wanna keep looking....

Some people live their dreams Some people close their eyes Some people's destiny... Passes by There are no guarantees There are no alibis That's how our love must be Don't ask why It takes some time God knows long I know that I can forget you As soon as my heart stops breaking Anticipating As soon as forever is through I'll be over you... Remembering times gone by Promises we once made What are the reasons why Nothing stays the same There were the nights Holding you close Someday I'll try to forget them As soon as my heart stops breaking Anticipating As soon as forever is through I'll be over you

I'd say it's bit-time immature to go on and on to your ex about how great or fun your life is now. I mean, I know it's hard to resist doing so (I have done so before, sadly) but in retrospect (3 years later) I know it was immature and just shows insecurity. He was probably thinking I was a total fool when I said certain things....pretending to be really breezy/happy-go-lucky/I've-got-a-new-guy, etc. All the while he knew I still liked him and wanted him... I wouldn't dare do that anymore. Really, no way. Nowadays I encourage myself and others...don't feel you have to prove yourself to anyone. If you're doing well, you're doing well, no one (not even your ex) needs to know. If you're "feeling good" then you're feeling good. Don't flaunt it to your ex...

Yeah I agree with NapMan. One reason why I am able to do NC (It's only been a week so far, but for some reason i know that I am capable of it long-term; I'm just disciplined that way)...anyway, one reason why I am able to do NC is that I know that I did all I could. I don't have anything that I feel like I should "fix" or have done differently. I was good to him and treated him and the relationship with respect. He didn't want it, and I can't go back repeating to him that I was good to him and the relationship...what's the problem? He's got all the facts and all the circumstances. It's up to him...

is like this: "Distance is to Love what Wind is to Fire. It extinguishes the small and augments the great."

I'm only on one week of no-contact with my ex, and most days have been fine for me. At this very moment, it's absolutely KILLING me. I want to hear his voice, want to talk to him. It's so sad. When I hear something funny or interesting, I think to tell him about it. But I'm not allowed to. Technically I broke up with him. But I feel he provoked me. I don't know how I feel about No Contact. I think it's good if you know things are hopeless and you just want to get over it and move on. That's my reason for No Contact. I feel it's hopeless.

Seren, good thoughts. Thanks to you and everyone else. I don't have time to reply at length (but I will later). Here are the answers to some ?s I saw: 1) He's younger than I by four years. I'm 31, he's 27. I think he's kind of in limbo as far as age. Getting life together is a good reason, yet he's getting up there too (going on twenty-eight) to where just starting a relationship to cultivate over the next two years shouldn't be out of the question. I never asked him to get super-serious right away. We were somewhat emotionally serious, but I wasn't asking him to do the whole 9 yards - not even close to that - any time soon. I was content with just being close and exclusive for a while. 2) We were together 5 months. Not long, but we got close pretty fast. 3) No I wasn't demanding or clingy. I made sure to keep my activities going and keep things in perspectve. Whatever level of clingy or time-demanding I was, was only to the extent that it matched his. That is, up until he distanced himself. Gotta go. Will reply more later. Thanks again, and more comments welcome...

Does anyone think men/guys would and do purposely stop something from progressing into "falling in love" in order to get their life/career/spiritual path going first? I know that accomplishments, success, and career are more important to men than they are to women, which is why I ask. And I have heard from at least a few men themselves that career/success/accomplishment is their #1 priority before they can even think about falling in love. This is unfathomable to women, like myself, cause we generally believe that love & relationships are a priority! My interest in this question stems also from the fact that my ex-boyfriend, who little by little distanced himself from me over the past 2 months, never wavered in the level of affection he had for me and the amount of attraction he showed toward me, but yet he distanced himself. He praised me as a person all the time, and was always so grateful that I was me and that I was in his life. And he had said previously that this time in his life wasn't a good time for him to be in the 'falling in love' thing. He said he needed to be in a different emotional state in order to get his life going. He had written me several emails over time about where his life was headed, his spiritual path, his desire to be an artist, and said because he still had a lot left to prove in life, he would, if he had to, 'drop everything' in order to prove himself and redeem himself for past missteps along the way. I wonder if one can really "buy" this? I mean, it seems totally plausible. But I wonder...anyway...is it true, or is it just a well put-together excuse to get out of a relationship? In the case of my own situation, there are things about him/his actions which I won't bother to mention which support what he said, and variables which do not support his general reason. So naturally I'm still baffled as to the veracity of his reason for needing to break off. But anyway, what are your thoughts on this *in general*? Would lots of men, determined to get themselves established in life/career, stop themselves mid-relationship from getting to the point of commited/serious/falling in love?

Hmmm, yes, she was indeed ovulating around May 10 through now, if her period is pretty regular. So that increases the chance a lot, but still doesn't mean anything. Lots of couples who are actually *trying* to get pregnant (no contraception/birth control at all), plus having intercourse while the woman's ovulating, still have to try many months before they conceive. I heard that generally speaking, when there's no birth control & the woman's ovulating, there's still only 35% chance of getting pregnant. BTW, I'm female and recently took a morning after pill. But my (then) boyfriend and I weren't all that worried. I wasn't ovulating at the time, I thought the chances of me being pregnant from one incident of condomless sex was low...but we were just taking precaution anyway...

I too am heartbroken. I just broke up with my guy on Monday of this week (but really it was he who broke up / he provoked me to break up by 2 months of being 'not really there' or 'there just enough', and then the final straw, suggesting that we date other people but see each other too). I'm in pain, but I know I'll get through it. I've been here before. Sadly, I definitely know the drill as far as having ups and downs. You just have to get thru it until all the poison is out of your heart and mind. It will be gone soon...

I'm a bit older than you, but pretty much in the same situation, even as far as how long I was with him. Was with him from December 22nd til May 9th (just this past Monday). He too was very handsome, intelligent, kind, we got along wonderfully and had great conversations and a lot of tenderness. We were together almost five months, but I could feel him "not being totally there" (although he was still pretty respectful) for two months before the end. I now realize that his calls and attentiveness in that time period wasn't due to passion like it was in the beginning, but really kind of a chore/an obligation. We just broke up on Monday (I broke up, but I feel that technically he did, because he provoked me by saying it might be good if we see other people but still see each other too). I don't know how long it will take me to get over this (I'm up and down right now), but it might be a bit of a while. This isn't my first relationship and I've definitely been here before, so it may not take super-long at all. But right now it does sting, and I definitely miss him, like you miss your guy. I too find myself wondering, "How could he be so good to me in the beginning...and it suddenly drop off for no apparent reason?" It's almost like he purposely distanced himself to the point that we just didn't have much to go on anymore... I too do not see myself finding someone who can compare to him for a while. I'm not saying I *never* will, but he's certainly not someone easy to replace, I know this. You too should give it time. A great guy isn't going to just come along, but be strong and hang in there. Even if it takes several months, a year, or a year and a half, there's always some guy out there who will make you feel that way again, and often times he makes you feel even better. It's almost impossible to fathom while you are still hung-up on someone, but it's true... Right now I am feeling like I want my guy back, so badly. At times I just think or say softly aloud, "I miss you so much...." cause the amt that I miss him is sooo incredibly strong. Like, I just long to hear his voice... The good thing about a breakup in which you were kinda broken up (or on the rocks) even before the break up, is that that time in which you were on the rocks/uncertain/anxious...well, technically that takes away from the amount of time you grieve, because technically you started the grieving process before it ended. I think I got that pre-breakup grieving because as I said, he was not acting as much of a "great boyfriend" for two months beforehand... I miss him. I wish you the best. It is hard, but be strong. Keep yourself busy and remember the good things in life that you enjoy. Do those things...

I know I am going to sound very, very insensitive, but this girl sounds very very annoying. I know you have feelings for her and all, and I'm not going to try to talk you out of that. I just have to reiterate that she's too old to act this way. "Sometimes" - "I don't know"....give me a break.

I am female and in an eerily similar position as you are. I had/have only been with my bf for 4.5 months (from mid-December to now), but we got close super-fast, it was very intense, tender, getting very serious; two months into it, we were already feeling like husband and wife (I know that sounds crazy, but it happens to people; they feel close from 2-hour long conversations night after night, time together. A lot can happen in a short period of time). Anyway, we used the "L" word with each other on March 4th. A week later, he broke up with me. Nothing was wrong with our relationship at all (we get along wonderfully, great sex, great conversations, utter tenderness with each other). After breaking up (and me being totally confused) a couple days later he comes back and says he's "confused." We agree to make things less intense but keep seeing each other. We do. April 1st he breaks up again, saying "I need to be single right now" then calls me again two days later. We don't quite agree to "get back together," but kinda just fall into it , from talking on the phone and saying hey let's go see such-and-such movie..... But he is desiring to spend a lot less time with me. He still wants to see me, but compared to the first couple months (in which we saw each other 3-4 times a week), seeing each other has dropped off. Just this week, on Monday, he emailed and said he wants me to know that he might date soon, but that he wouldn't agonize me with talk about it unless it felt like it was going to materialize into something. This probably sounds demoralizing to an outsider (and it is), but this is a guy whose behavior to me is pretty 'up there' as far as being respectful (I mean, prior to this "I wanna be single, but still see you" He likes me a lot - I know he does, cause he enjoys talking to me and really is into it when we are together - but I think the fact that we were getting serious, and that he actually takes me serious as a person (I'm 'serious-relationship/wife' material) scares him and makes him realize he needs to get his single-ness in...that he hasn't had enough time.... Like you, I told him no, this will not work. I calmly said that I'm not going to be relegated from girlfriend to a friend with benefits who he has feelings for, while he is still open to dating others. This was an easy decision. As soon as I read the email from him, I responded right away with no reservation. Absolutely no way, no how will I accept this. Goodbye. Thank you but no thank you. Like above posters said, it's the right thing to do. I had already put up with enough from him with the two breakups (but him callling two days after in both cases), him spending less time with me and more time with his friends, but 'keeping me' by still calling, still being affectionate, still seeing me once or twice a week. He was good in a way and bad in a way. But it was a drop-off from the very beginning, and I allowed it. The 'seeing other people'/'being single' was the last straw. I'm not mad at myself for accepting his drop-off after the first two pseudobreakups...I mean, it's a natural reaction for women to be so stuck on the Beginning (and letting him use some credit for being so wonderful then), and letting him have some leeway...but as far as I am concerned, they (guys) cannot think they can have their cake and eat it too. The comfort, security, loyalty, and love from a caring girlfriend, whilst also having fun and maybe picking up new, less meaningful women to have fun with... See the movie "About Last Night" for an example of a guy who had a girlfriend who loved him, but kept feeling pulled toward single life and left her, only to realize that the girlfriend who loved him was much more fulfilling than drunken nights at bars, new women all the time, etc. As above posters said, stay away from your guy. There's a saying that a watched pot never boils. Same thing applies here. Your guy will never "wake up" while you are there for him. It just isn't possible for him to realize life without you until he actually is without you. I mean, there's no absolute guarantee that he will "wake up". But it IS almost a guarantee that he *won't* wake up while you're with him and being there for him. He also won't respect you. It might seem like he does, or he might not show blatant disrespect. But the fact is he won't value you as much if you don't value yourself enough to say...no, you being single but still having me won't work. And get out. I also am in love with my boyfriend / (ex-boyfriend of four days now). I feel pretty strong and together about the matter though. Even guys I have been less in love with in the past have come back to me after being away for a while. It's like...a rule or something...that guys can't appreciate their girlfriend. No matter how pretty you are and what a great personality, somehow if you've been by their side for a certain amount of time, every other woman seems more interesting... The thing about having a girlfriend is that...it has a way of making a guy have an "I don't care"/nonchalant attitude, and that draws women to him. Lots of the confidence that he has is a result of having a girlfriend who encourages him and loves him daily though. So the irony is...when he doesn't have her, things kinda drop off a bit where 'attracting women' is concerned. ( I mean, this isn't 100% of a guy's appeal, but you know, having the security of a girlfriend does something to a guy's air and glow... a little something at least). Oh yeah, if I ever take my guy back (and I'm not over this whole thing enough to say I absolutely wouldn't), he would have to earn it back. Don't ask how, but I would devise something or another which could help me keep my dignity in taking him back. I've got a lot of pride, and I could never let him just waltz back in...