Starlight925

Why "use" anyone to "practice" detachment with? That's just not nice, nor is it honest. I see you've already made a decision, so it's a fait accompli. He has clearly shown a passive, laissez-faire attitude towards this whole thing, so perhaps he's going to "practice detachment" with you too. Match made in heaven.

I'm going to echo every other person's thoughts here. You are being used as his life raft between marriage and the next phase of his life. "My wife doesn't X, doesn't Y, doesn't Z". What would she say he doesn't X, Y, or Z? "My wife will take 1/2 my money". She's entitled to it. Deal with it. "You're so A, B, and C. I've never had this before". And he will again, as soon as you help him get through this phase of his life. He. Is. Not. Available. For. You. To. Date. I'm sorry. I know you want to hear the fairy tales. Go see a movie for that.

No one is commenting about the guy because the guy isn't here posting. You are. You could write ten more paragraphs, and blah blah blah, I still think you're an underhanded, insecure girl who needs her ego fed. If you want my interpretation of his motivations, he's insecure and needs his ego fed. So you are perfect for each other. Sorry, not sorry.

My hunch is, you’re using him to feel good about yourself. His attention feeds your ego. You used an excuse of a 15-year issue to “apologize” so you could see if you could hook him. Congrats. It worked. You’re interfering in a marriage. Feel better?

Phone calls and video calls can be faked. They can get a guy who looks and sounds like the guy you're talking to, to show up on a video call. How to tell? Offer to meet. Stop the texting madness. If he's perpetually unavailable, oh-so-busy, out of town all the time, then who wants him anyway, real or not?

I did a solo trip to London a few years back, as like you, I had no one to go with, and I wanted to travel. Yes, much different than being in a country where you don't speak the language. On a business trip to Hong Kong, China, and Taiwan, I spent a day alone in each, and wandered into areas that didn't look postcard-pretty, where there was no English at all. A bit disconcerting, but I got through it. Do as much research as you can, and stay in as safe a place as you can. You know all the stuff: don't wander alone at night, don't accept rides, etc. etc. etc. What was missing for me was the shared experience of travel. The other person to view the city with you. I'm going abroad soon with a group of women I don't know, organized by the group. I'm excited because it will be a shared experience. So you could look into something like that.

I agree with all the feedback you've received. I think this statement about lacking empathy is the crux of the entire matter. You said that you are autistic. Have you been properly diagnosed? Have you been taught how to read facial and non-verbal cues? Have you sought therapy for your abuse and subsequent PTSD? Which, by the way, I am so so sorry for what you have gone through. You sound like a very intelligent person, so I don't mean this to condescend or patronize: em·pa·thy /ˈempəTHē/ noun the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Please pretend you are her, and look at this from her point of view, and you will understand her frustration, anger, and desire to completely cut ties with you, given all that you've put her through. I wish you the very best.

Sure, people can change. After years of therapy, or after someone does to them what they did to you, and they are so hurt they finally change. But likely? No sir. Do I think this guy is a "better fit" for her? Sweetie, he's only Mr. Right Now. All of her "reasons" are exactly what you said in your first post: GASLIGHTING. Look at it this way: Someone cheats on an exam. Gets caught. Professor threatens to expel. Cheater has all these "reasons": The material was too hard. I was stressed by a personal situation. The class is too far across campus for me to make it in time. You put stuff on the exam that we didn't cover in class! BLAH BLAH BLAH....everyone is to blame except the cheater.

This stuff happens in friendship groups all the time. Yes, you are guilty, and yes, you have learned your lesson that friend M is not to be trusted with information. You've also apparently learned your lesson that speaking poorly of others leads right back to us. I am not going to beat you up about that, as I am guilty of it as well. Even though I do believe that you were asking M for advice about F, I'd ask you to reflect: Were you really only asking for advice, or were you also complaining about F? Look, I get it. I have so many similar stories, and often we want to vent, and we want someone who we can trust with that venting. M isn't that person. All you can do now is sit down with M and let her know that she was, in fact, the only one you spoke to about F, and that you are hurt because you thought things were understood to be confidential. Then, just let her speak. As for F, you'll have to apologize to her, and let things play out there as well. FWIW, I'm in a super similar situation with 2 friends right now. While the one person who was spoken of is still hurt by the 3rd friend, she has told me privately that she has no plans to end that friendship.

Here's the harsh truth from someone over twice your age: She won't regret it. She won't be sorry. She'll only ever be sorry that she got caught. She'll blame you to all who come after you, and trust me, this next guy isn't an "upgrade", he's just "next". You sound like you've grown a lot from this experience, and that's what you got from her: knowledge about yourself, and the unfortunate understanding that people like her will cheat, gaslight, and repeat for likely the rest of their lives. Leopards and spots and all. Please go true NC: Block, remove numbers, don't have the weak "just want to check her stories" moments. Because if she does contact you, it's only so she can do to him what she did to you. Get back on the apps and swipe to find a girl who is worthy of someone as wonderful as you. She's out there, I promise.

And IS he in fact moving out west?

But why would you stay with a man who was "ho hum" when you told him you loved him, and has told you outright that he doesn't love you? I'm close to your age and single, so I'm not finger-wagging. I see this happen so often in women our age: acceptance of "meh" in the men they see, where there is literally no future. It just gives me pause, and that's why I'm asking you: He's been honest. He does not love you. There is no future. Yet you stay. Why?

It's possible for it to have been dormant for a long time, but for it to just now have broken out. However, given his insistence that you gave him something, the accusation, leads me to believe that he's blaming you for something he's done. Age old trick: The Guilty Blame the innocent for what The Guilty have done.

Just wanted to chime in to validate your feelings. It was rude all the way around. The way she seemed to keep popping up everywhere he was, and the way he physically turned his back to you, leaving you out of conversation? Rude, rude, rude. Maybe her guy felt the same way, maybe he didn't. Doesn't matter. What matters to us is how you felt, and I'd have felt the same way. There's a calm, clear way to bring this up to him. He may be like...um, huh? Me hab no idea. 😅 But whatever his reaction might be, you do need to bring this up to him and let him know how you feel.

Don't say any of this. It simply isn't necessary. Enjoy your time together, and continue to do fun things. Let things unfold organically.

I would just bring the turkey burgers for 10 people and call it a day. Some things are just not worth the energy they take to analyze. My brother & his wife invite me to their house all the time. They go through ice like no one you've ever seen. For years, I know the drill: I'll get a text asking me to stop for a 10-lb bag of ice. They actually have a stand-alone cooler full of ice already, but my extra last-minute bag will be used up by the end of the evening. By my brother alone. Don't ask. I use one small handful. Or none. I still stop, bring the large, ice cold, wet bag of ice on my way. Because some things are just not worth the energy.

Great point, @Seraphim . OP, not sure what the doctor shortage situation is where you live, so just as you don't leave a job without finding a new one first, same goes for your doctor. I, too, am going through a doctor situation, similar to @Lambert. I have an appointment with someone new this week to hopefully replace her, but I still have my appointment on the books with her. Something new that I've been doing is ordering my own labs and keeping my lab account to myself, sharing with my doctor rather than the other way around. There are ways to get deeply discounted prices with the major labs. I also have my own blood pressure monitor, which is very inexpensive. Our health is our own!

Change doctors, even if it means a drive for you. Agree, that he should have listened more to your concerns. Sounds like you got the "you're fine" brush-off, when clearly, you don't feel fine. Just because someone has an M.D. after their name does not make them a kind, compassionate human. I'm in this world professionally, and I see it every day. There are amazing ones, and there are....shall we say, not so amazing ones. Give this doctor the same blow-off he's giving you.

Sue, I agree, this would be disconcerting. As others have said, he should have announced this at a different time, but in most families, any gathering would have been fine, as it's when everyone is together. Some groups (families, friend groups, etc.) are just not open to others joining in, and your engagement means you'll be joining in forever. So they do the "la la la la, I can't hear you" and resume with their own personal conversations. Frankly, it's rude. I dated someone for 2+ years like this. His family would just chatter on about people and things I knew nothing about, so I'd just sit there and eat, drink, nod. Honestly, it never changed, as they were almost xenophobic in their quest to keep outsiders....out. He likely doesn't want to engage in confrontation, so he'll just go along with them. But at the end of the day, it's the two of you, and if you two are happy, then all you can do is be the best partner for him. There may come a day when someone in his family needs him and he can't be there that day, and you'll possibly step in to help, and you'll start integrating more into them. Until then, be your charming self, hold your head high, and congrats!

I just wrote this on someone else's thread, but I'll repeat it here: Some of us got in the wrong line when they were handing out parents. You have done amazing things. You've moved to a new country, you've established yourself in your career, and something tells me you have an empathic soul. Putting up boundaries is sometimes the best we can do in these situations, so you're doing well there. As for your dad, just give it all some time and live your life. If he disowns you for this, then it's his loss. You can move forward, make friends, and live your life.

No, you're not wrong. When we think of the term "mother", we think caring, being there, hugging, holding when times are bad, being there to soothe us. Some of us just got in the wrong line when they were handing out mothers. Not to make your thread about me, but here's my similar story: I had breathing issues/asthma as a kid, which got worse. In high school, an ENT confirmed a deviated septum. I wanted a nose job so badly, and the ENT said it was better to do it at the same time. I don't even know if my mother reacted, as she didn't go with me to any of the appointments. In my mid-20's, I maxed out my credit card and had the surgery: Deviated septum/rhinoplasty. I lived 250 miles from home then. My mother didn't even call me. I came home a few weeks later for Thanksgiving, and my mother looked at me and said, "Were you still going to have that surgery?" She was so disconnected from me as a mother that she didn't even notice that my APPEARANCE had changed. Sometimes, we get the mother we have, not the one we need or want.

As uncomfortable as this is for you, I kind of agree with her. You two weren't exclusive, and you had even discussed being non-exclusive, sort of seeing where it goes. She told you that this person wasn't a threat, and if you believe her, then that's the truth. I honestly don't see what's wrong with what she did, and I'm afraid you could throw away what could be a great relationship, with a bit more communication. Are you exclusive now? Have you had that conversation?

A family member was having a similar situation with their four year old son. They did some reading and decided to take away all food coloring from his diet. It took about a week, and he became this different child. He minded them and became fun to interact with. Now, he shows packages of food to his mommy and asks her if there are food colorings in it before he asks if he can eat it. He’s even started to call any TV shows that have violence in them “food coloring.” My family member that went through this was at her wit’s end and read a post by a psychologist who was having a similar issue with her own child. He even put himself in time out one day when I was over there. He knew he had done something slightly bad and he said “I have to go to time out. I’ll be back in a minute”. Adorable. The worst offender is red dye.

So you don't want a divorce, but you know you can't live like this. We don't have a magic wand here, I'm sorry to say. You have to make a decision: 1) Stay with her in the present situation, knowing this is who she is. She'll sleep in, book vacations only to see her family, and only clean a little. OR: 2) Get a divorce and start the process of a new life, and seek what you want. Other than those two options, it's all just chatter.

You do need to consider if this marriage is worth saving. I know you say that it is, but you haven't given any indication that you two should even be together at all: Your temper gets the better of you with respect to her. She only ever wants to visit her family, no regard for yours She's lazy. At 35, she should be excited, wanting to grow, eager to learn and achieve. She's told you, in her own words, that she'd leave you. In your own words: You are unhappy in this relationship. Let her go. Let her find some guy with independent wealth who is ok with a housewife with no kids. Let her go back to the 1950's and find what she wants. And you, dear sir, find yourself a woman of today, who will share with you in everything that life has to offer, including a career, hobbies, and a life that includes your family.