breakbox90210

Not offended in the slightest, just still wondering with how you're definitely sure what we're doing wrong with no insight on what to do right, which was based on an incorrect sequence of events to begin with?

thank you for the anecdotes and suggestions, will look into the videos

that's a good insight, thank you

I am reading everything you are writing and querying some of your responses (which for some reason you are taking as anger?) I never suggested there was a problem in going to a psychologist, this is something else you are assuming. I said I was looking into local services in post 6 (before you even posted). I have already mentioned to others we need help and are out of ideas, are you looking for a personalised response with this in it or something? I posted this thread 6 hours or so ago, I know you might have immediate access to these type of services, I don't. It'll be a few days turn around, so regurgitating "swallow your pride, go get help" isn't going to speed it up one bit. You have suggested 2 days of improvement on behaviour was not enough to justify a reward (when they already have minimal toys , no TV no treats for weeks), when I asked how long, it was skirted round and amalgamated into another answer.... if you're so sure what is the wrong way, what is the correct way then?

will give it a read, thank you!

that's what childcare are saying too, just need to grit my teeth a little longer

noted, thank you!

Not mad at all, currently for the last 3 weeks he had 4 cars he can play with in the bath, no TV, can ride his scooter on the walk in the evenings... we brought him to a farm after 2 days of good behaviour and it was the weekend (in a perspective sense, 2 days to a 3 yo is what a week would feel like to us) to show what he can get when he is good... he acted up, we left as a result... So if 2 days isn't enough, what is? should we take literally everything off him and leave him to be bored for the day ... I give that 15 mins for any 3yo before that's an absolute car crash.

this is exactly what childcare do and what we try and replicate (positive re-inforcement technique they call it... we try and work with the childminders as best we can, even they can't put their finger on why such a change), thank you for the additional tips though, will give them a go.

How many days do you recommend he be hazed for bad behaviour?

you have it the wrong way round, he was at the farm on Sunday... and only because he earned it being good for 2 days... the un-inviting came yesterday, and what you quoted off me was with regards to today, which he was told he could play with some instruments today if he was good, which he wasn't, so he won't be. I take on board the sentiment, but reject the tone... When he earns something back we do it, when he does something wrong, treats and toys are taken away, this has always been consistent... this behaviour has only started to be more prevalent the last 6 to 8 weeks and is centred in childcare and at bedtime. He hasn't had TV in weeks as a result of his behaviour and is allowed to play with colouring books and writing letters and numbers when he gets home and we usually get out for a walk to burn off some final energy.

thank you for the recommendations. My partner suggested just as you said, as one of my suggestions was keep him out after childcare and tire him out, but they said we need to get him home, fed and watered, then do something, as that also provides a de-marcation between "childcare time" and "home time". Napping may be a big factor also, he still naps, usually for an hour (most of his peers have dropped this), he has started to drop it intermittently, or just go down for 20 mins. Sleep at night, on a good night its about 10 hours... bad night is 8 ish... he still wakes during the night to jump into another bed, but is gone back to sleep straight away. I'm also looking into local support.

thank you for the re-assurance... we have a relation who is in childcare also, and said it's more common than we think... I have no experience of looking after children, other these current two, and we live away from family and friends so don't have that immersion/advice from them on situations like this... re: change in life my son has another year in childcare, he missed the cutoff for pre-school by a week, so a lot of his friends are finishing up in childcare and a lot of the younger class are moving up to his current class (which he will be the oldest in). we also have a 6 month old son, who obviously vies for attention from us also and has been a big change in routine we are also back from a trip home about 6 weeks ago (where he is spoiled rotten usually, we try to reduce this as best we can, but there's not a lot we can do when they babysit and his routine goes out the window)... we recognise that we want to pick our battles, so if it's been a day or two of conflict, we'll say "we just want to be friends and nice to each other" and go somewhere nice like the river or woods which he loves, but even those trips out end up in some sort of tantrum rage of something minuscule. Is so sad and frustrating to see, because when he's great, he's amazing and has loads of fun, and this behaviour just takes away any fun for him, either through time wasted in tantrums or as punishment when he gets violent (like we go home or take the toy he was violent with off him).

Our son has just hit someone in nursery today because they didn't want to play with him, this was after the child said they didn't want to play with him because he was being unkind. He was taken out, explained what happened, asked if it happened to him would he think it would be nice (he said no) and apologised. I'd like to say this is an isolated incident, but it's not. This is one of many which is accumulating over the last few weeks where he is just being a horrible child to interact with. He doesn't care almost all his toys have been taken away due to his bad behaviour. We bring him out to loads of nice places, like the farm at the weekend, where he spent the time not listening to us when we tried to do the treasure trail, was trying to be rough with other children in the hay bales, and when we said we had to leave, he ran away out of sight. Bed time is an absolute nightmare the last few weeks, it usually ends up in an hour long tantrum, with him throwing his bed clothes at us, trying to bite us, biting head boards and mattresses because "it's still bright out" and he doesn't want to go to bed. He deliberately screams in my ear since I told him that it really hurts me when he does. If it was just attitude and tantrums, we could deal with that, but the violence and vindictiveness is something I don't know how to deal with. I've even caught him a few times trying to stand on the cats tail on purpose. We have a 6 month old in the house, who he knows he scares to death when he screams and shouts, but does it anyway. In childcare, his current class are all going to big school, so he will be the oldest there for a year, but he is turning into a bully. I will admit that we are at our wits end, so patience is wearing thin, and we have exacerbated some of the situations through frustration, but I just don't get it. I even said to him today if he was really good in nursery, he could have a really big treat and play some of my musical instruments when he's home, which he was really excited about... but now that's not going to happen after the hitting incident. Which is going to be something else for him to get triggered about. He's due to have a birthday party where he has been using it in childcare to "uninvite" then "re-invite" people when he has a bad mood with them. We have told him if he's not nice, and doesn't stop un-inviting people, they might not show up if he continues being mean. We asked him would he go to a party if people un-invited him and were mean, to which he said "no". I just don't get it. It's him who is missing out, everyone just wants him to have fun, but obviously with some boundaries ... he just seems to want to ruin everything for himself by mis-behaving. I'd understand if we were overly lax or strict on punishment, which we try our best to find middle ground, but this is just so far on the ridiculous scale, we have no idea what to do....