MarcusBB

Well, I have to speak to her and contact her again because half of her stuff is still at my house. I also need to make a decision on whether to buy this house or not.

I understand people are being honest with me, and I appreciate that, and I understand I need to change and get better - but I really want to know how to repair things with her and what she deserves for me to do now. If she says no, she says no, but I at least want to try my hardest to everything right from here on in to create even the hope she will come back.

She says the same as you by the way, she says I am trying to victim blame. To me I am just being factual: the anger is very anxiety causing for me because I have PTSD and I need calm and stability from her. When she shouts, I get literal flashbacks and then to soothe it I need to escape (my abuser was a woman). I know this is not my GFs fault because she is the kindest, gentlest and most wonderful human being on the planet but I can't control the way that feels.

I'm not denying I made a deliberate decision to buy the house without her. I am just saying if she could have stopped all the anger and fights and made me feel more safe that I would have been able to go ahead as planned. There isn't anyone else in the world for me but her, so if it's not her it will be nobody. I miss her so much, I have been walking around crying. I was crying at the office and crying randomly in the street.

Well, that's what causes the fear. She said "I would never have made a life decision that wasn't what you wanted" and I said "what I wanted was peace and stability" and I told her I had been asking for that from her for years. I explained that shouting at someone with PTSD isn't going to help. If she had stopped being so angry and been kind and gentle with me then I would have found it easier to think of feeling safe buying a house with her.

I do understand all that, but she was willing to give things another shot - based on me agreeing to go to therapy and sort myself out (which I promise I will do) but then as soon as she found out I bought the house she went absolutely crazy with rage. I can't really understand why she is so angry about that as it's good for our financial picture, deliberately bought to be big enough for her and the children etc. I am not sure why that was what made her say she could not forgive me?

I know I have lied, but the poster beside you said I was still lying to her and I was just asking what they meant.

To answer the question about the legal thing, because she got sick and couldn't work she got some debts so right now I couldn't put her on the mortgage. When that is resolved, yes I would as I consider it - genuinely -to be ours and our money and home. She is my family. I consider us a complete team. I know I haven't always shown that

Why do you think I am not being honest with her?

I am sorry if I come across as bad at understanding things. I am autistic, which makes understanding how other people feel difficult sometimes, and I can also be really self absorbed. I genuinely, genuinely love this woman and want a home with her forever. I understand it was very wrong to tell her I would do something and then keep not doing it, and I really regret that. I understand I would have felt terrible in her position. What I don't fully understand is two things. If someone could please explain (I'm trying to understand complex emotional things that are quite challenging for me): 1. Why is she so angry I bought the house NOW if buying a house is what she wanted and ultimately it is good for us financially? I have explained to her it will be also her house and she can collect the keys with me and decorate and choose everything and it's hard for me to understand her incandescent rage over it? I have asked her if she wants to find a different house? 2. Why is she so angry with me when I tried to explain that I just needed to feel safe? I kept asking her to please stop all the arguments and being so angry because it triggers my PTSD and made it feel like I couldn't move in with her. I asked her so many times to just give calmness and stability and then I would be able to move and she just got incredibly angry? Sorry if these are stupid questions, but I don't always understand her emotions and when she is angry at me I find it hard to cope. She used to be so kind and gentle and now she is saying horrible things to me.

Okay, so what should I do to actually fix it with her? I understand I have wronged her, but I want to repair everything so please tell me what the right thing to do is. I will get professional help. I am working on me.

So do you think she is within her rights to be this angry and not want the house? I can't really understand why she is so angry because us owning a home is what she wanted and it's a nice place.

I hope someone can help me with this dilemma because I really don't know what to do or how to resolve this situation. I am mid 40s and both myself and my girlfriend have adult children. I am going to be as honest as possible in the hope I will get honest answers. Let's start with saying I am a PTSD sufferer and had an abusive childhood. I have been told a lot by people that I am selfish and lack empathy, but I don't try to be that way - I just never feel really safe in the world and I act in self defence a lot of the time. I discussed with my girlfriend today that I think she makes decisions based on hope of what she wants to happen, whereas I base mine on fear of the worst case scenario and trying to avoid bad things happening. She says that's maladaptive and I agree she's right. So, here's my question: Four years ago I told my long term girlfriend that I wanted to take a job really far from home to make money so I could buy a house with her. She wasn't very happy about it, she was at a stage in life she was expecting us to "settle down" and being "long distance" made her very sad, but she agreed. So we went ahead and did it for a couple of years and I came home with the money. She was, understandably, expecting to buy the house when I got back, and I kind of dragged my heels with it. I think I just didn't feel quite ready as we hadn't been physically together for a long time and I just wanted to ease back into things with my own space. So instead of buying a house with her, I rented my own place. She was pretty sad I remember, and also annoyed. She said renting two places after working so hard to save money was stupid, but I just felt I needed it. Obviously she had expected us to be moving in together to our new home, but she accepted it eventually and helped me decorate the new place and so on and moved some of her stuff in. I spent weekends with her at her place, and she spent a night or two in the week with me. At the time her kids were 17 and 18 so they were fine and one was already away at university. Anyway, a year passed like that, and we agreed that when her youngest left for university that we would get a place together. So she gave notice on her lease which gave us 3 months to find a place to rent together. We had quite a big fight around that time (I admit it was completely my fault, I got caught in telling her a lie over something I knew would hurt her) but the fight gave me the willies. Partly because I have PTSD, so fights can give me a lot of anxiety (I need to feel I can escape danger) and partly because I was really worried we would find a place and then she might break up with me or leave and I wouldn't be able to pay for it by myself. As I mentioned, I had an abusive childhood and was a homeless teenager, so financial security is very important for me. So I just kind of stalled her because all the fear of it all was just too much. So, I didn't look for a place with her and because she essentially had no place else to go, she put her things and her kids things into storage and moved in with me into my little 1 bed, on the understanding we would find a place suitable for her and the kids as promised by Christmas. to give her her dues, despite her being really disappointed and sad, she made the total best of it and was basically the loveliest girlfriend you could think of and was really understanding of my issues. Now the truth here is, I loved living with her, but I couldn't shake the fear that we would get a place and then breakup and I would end up really stuck financially. As well as PTSD and teenager homelessness, I had a bad divorce once a long time ago and it scared the hell out of me that you can't fully rely on people. So I just carried on putting things off. So as weeks turned to months she got more and more angry. Her kids didn't come home for Christmas because they had no home to come to - and she started to change and instead of smiling all the time, she was very, very angry and threatened to leave if I didn't find a place immediately. I admit, I basically just used every excuse in the book to avoid it. If she tried to look at houses, everywhere she suggested was too expensive, wrong location, or I was too busy to look. I more or less made it impossible for her to resolve the problem and dragged it out for over a year. During that time, she got really depressed. She stopped going out, she stopped smiling, she cried a lot and eventually stopped going to work. She said she felt terrible that her children didn't have a home and by then prices had gone up, her income had gone down from not working, and she couldn't afford anymore to get a place on her own and she felt trapped and angry at me. We argued regularly about it, and she left me 4 or 5 times over that year. Each time she left, I promised her if she came home I would sort a place for us, but every time she did, I didn't actually do it. This created a loop because in my head she kept leaving me and yelling at me and wasn't working so the financial fear got bigger and bigger and I just couldn't do it. So in the end after over a year, and increasing fights with her basically at the point of having a complete breakdown and needing a lot of mental health support, she moved a few hundred miles away to a place she could afford because she said she needed to get a roof over her kids head. And she was angry as heck about it and she cried for a solid month. I visited her, and she visited me, but she was just seething that I had let her down after the investment she made in me and that I put her and her kids in that position, and I am not going to lie, I was a ***. I basically told her I didn't want to move in with her because her anger made me feel unsafe and that she should have given me the stability I needed, which made her furious of course. She quite rightly pointed out anyone would be angry and sad if someone did that to them. For whatever reason I was just always defensive. So she said she just didn't want to see me anymore. She didn't think I was sorry or accepting responsibility for my maladaptive behaviour and she said she loved me but she was done with it. I really love her and can't imagine living without her so I was basically a wreck and couldn't stop crying. I missed her so much, I was almost frantic and was sleeping with her shirt so I could smell her. I want a life with her, I want to be with her every day and have a home for her and her kids and I just felt completely frantic. I started reading a book on PTSD and learned that a lot of my crazy behaviour was about that, and I was trying to get myself into better shape so I could solve the problem. Then, for reasons I can't fully explain, I went out that week and bought a house. I deliberately got one big enough for her and the kids (even though it was a financial stretch) because I wanted her to come home and wanted to offer her that option if she ever changed her mind. I think in my head this was me panicking and grasping for some kind of security and it didn't really occur to me she would see this as a bad thing. Then we started talking again. I told her I realised I had some issues with anxiety and relationships and commitments but I was certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (I am) and she responded and said she felt the same. I told her I was working on the PTSD and apologised to her for how much I had let her down and told her how badly I wanted my life to be with her. It felt like we were definitely reconciling. Then I told her I bought a house. And to say that went down badly would be the world's biggest understament. All hell broke loose. She was screaming at me like crazy that I ***ed her around for 4.5 years and now she was gone 15 minutes (it was a month) I managed to buy the house I'd promised her for years after all that time refusing to even look. She said I made life plans with her and then let her down, and then to rub salt in her wounds I cut her out of any say in the process of the home that was supposed to be hers. She said I had screwed her financially by making promises and putting her in a bad position, and now it was too late because she had a lease hundreds of miles away and she said it meant I didn't want to buy a house with her and that it was a total betrayal. She said I had snatched away the happy dream she had for years. So I have spent a long time trying to apologise and beg her to forgive me, but she has said it's the house or her. She has said she is so angry that she can't even imagine being able to look at me again. She said she will never forgive buying a house without her, without even asking her, and she said she doesn't like the house and doesn't want it and that if I go ahead with the sale I will never see or speak to her again and she will move on and invest in someone new who is actually reliable and makes joint life decisions with his long term mate. I have tried to reason with her, by explaining it will be our house, and we can split time between that and the place she rents, and that there is space for her children. I have explained that it's a great location and a great price and that pulling out of the sale would mean taking a big financial hit and that it's not possible for us to find a better place for the budget. I have explained to her that we can sell it in a couple of years for a profit and buy whatever place she wants. And she said she has wasted 5 years already on someone who doesn't keep his word and she's not trusting me anymore. She won't budge an inch. She says if I go ahead with the purchase, I will never see her again and she wants no contact with me ever again. I started to explain to her about rising prices and how every day I keep renting is just throwing away money and this got her even more enraged - she was like "you didn't care about all this sensible financial advice for the last few years I was begging you to move and now it's suddenly important overnight". I feel completely trapped here. I have no idea how to fix the situation. The house is perfect, It's a good location, it's an ideal investment and it is big enough for all of us. I want it to be our home and I have agreed to get treatment for my issues so I can become the reliable partner she needs. I have asked her to come up with an alternative that we can afford and she said we could have afforded a lot more when we were buying together, so it just makes her more angry if I try and discuss it. I have no idea what to do. Do I pull out of this sale and lose a chunk of money? If I do, it's unlikely we will find a better place we can afford, so it means not buying and maybe never being able to buy as prices keep rising and rent keeps going up. I am already pretty old and feel like I am going to miss the boat completely on owning a home. On the other hand, I don't really want any house if she is not in it. I don't want any life if she is not in it, and I admit this woman was kind and immensely patient and loving and supportive until she had just had enough. And her rope was a lot longer than most women because if I am honest this issue is not the first one where I have hurt her or behaved poorly towards her and she has said to me that love doesn't mean that she keeps accepting a bucket of vomit from me. Can someone please tell me what to do?