Starlight925

You already have the perfect answers! Sending a text today, plus visiting, bringing food, offering to watch the kids, is all perfect. Don't expect much of a reply from her, as she will be inundated from messages and is likely in a blur. That's ok, she'll reflect on it all in the coming weeks and months, and she'll know you were there for her. About 6 months ago, my cousin's husband died suddenly. I sent a text, then drove 4+ hours to the funeral, stayed for a few days, reminisced our youth with her, hung out, hugged. 2 months ago, she too, passed away suddenly. I am so so so at peace with having been there with her at that time. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family.

None of this. Zero. No ultimatum. In fact, nothing of anything. If she chooses to leave him (she won't), then give her about a year to figure out her life, how to become financially independent, raise her kids, etc. Then, you could make a move on her. But to carry on with all this, this....mess? Why do you want it? Because you're soooooo in looooove. Ugh. I have a friend going through similar. This friend is....wait for it.....close to 70. Yes, a 70 year-old is going through similar. What a waste. And I've watched it, with my popcorn, for 2+ years. My friend's "loooooove" ain't moved an inch in 2+ years. And neither will yours. What a waste of time this all is. Move. On.

If I'm hearing you right: You frequently offer advice and opinions. Sometimes, you two disagree. Sometimes, it leads to a total lack of communication, a shut-down. And always (until now), you are the one picking up the phone to resolve. Do I have that right? And now, since you haven't initiated the make-up, you two are still not talking, because he hasn't initiated anything, so you're waiting to see if he does? If once, just once, he can be the one to initiate communication after a disagreement? If I have that right: You are trying to change a lifelong pattern by waiting on one phone call. You two have interacted this way your entire lives, since childhood. And now, by waiting by the phone, you are trying to change the trajectory, but he's not getting it. These communication patterns, either siblings, or spouses, friends, etc., become ingrained, and the pathways we take to resolve them are set like rivers, in that they always take the same path. The water flows where it's always flowed. In this particular case, pick up the phone, resolve this. And have a heart-to-heart with your brother over your general communication styles, not this particular incident. Resolve this thing, whatever it is (a disagreement about management of a cat?). And once that's resolved, resolve the big thing. The thing that causes you two to fall apart like clockwork every time there's a disagreement. If I were to give an opinion here, it sounds like you offer opinions where they weren't asked for. Sometimes, he agrees, sometimes, he doesn't. How about just listening, offering support, and keeping your opinions to yourself unless asked? My mother (passed away) was the most opinionated, stubborn woman on the PLANET. But she always stayed out of the drama between siblings and their spouses, even the most horrendous door-slamming incidents. I asked my mom, after one such incident where I had offered an opinion to a sibling that was not well received, which led to an enormous fight, how she always seemed to stay out of these situations, always seemed to stay neutral. She said something I'll never forget, and I utilize to this day: "When someone asks for my opinion, I give it. Otherwise, I keep my mouth shut". That advice has served me very well. I have a friend right now doing something I have such a strong opinion of, but I keep my mouth shut, as she's an adult, it's her life, and she hasn't asked my opinion. I get to keep my opinions in my own head, and I also get to keep the friendship. LOL, unless she asks....boy, then I'll give it.

How does someone sexually molest someone while they sleep? Was she passed out? Why didn’t she stop it? This is all very suspicious to me. She has a deep insecurity that manifests in her inability to stay loyal to just one man. So she couches it under the cover of “we’re just friends”. This is not a healthy relationship, and my suggestion would be to move on.

This was wrong all the way around. They were wrong too sneak behind your back and do something you specifically told them not to, with one of your own possessions. And you were wrong to overreact. I'm glad you apologized. And I'm sorry they took your computer. That was so wrong of them. As you've said, even with quadruple authentications, lol, any hacker can get in. Plus, it's simply a very personal possession. I'd be furious.

You need to separate your feelings for your boyfriend with your newfound feelings of this other guy. This new guy is like that shiny thing you see at the store, that you really want to buy, once you can afford it. Once you get it, wear it for a while, it'll end up in the closet with everything else. He's new and shiny right now. Your 9-year long boyfriend, however, is another matter. If, after 9 years, he's not sure he wants to marry you, my advice is to move on. Regardless of whether this new guy is in the picture or not. You are probably afraid to jump off the diving board, not sure if New Guy will be there to catch you. There might be a time in which you'll be alone, single, and yes, go through a loneliness phase. That's all better than spending 9 more years with someone who, not only doesn't want to marry you, but you're unsure you even love. You'll be 38. I know this sounds harsh, and I know it's scary, but trust me, it's so much better than spending your life in a ho-hum existence with someone who isn't even sure he wants to build a life with you.

Two things can be true at the same time: Your daughter should not have revealed that info, AND you were too harsh. I’d just sit down with her over a nice cup of coffee and let her know that there was indeed a line crossed, but also, apologize for your outburst. My parents started a business when I was 18, which I had to work at. It was a retail business. I didn’t mind at all; I liked it. Their deal with me was that I worked whenever I was home from college, even just a weekend, and they’d cover my entire schooling. It was a great deal. Something instinctive in me knew not to share anything about the business, but my parents kept the financials from us, hiring a bookkeeper who stayed in the office. I suggest you do something similar: not necessarily hiring someone, but keeping the finances to yourself. I know you want to share, but 12 & 18 are just too young to fully understand the impact. Best of luck to your business. People thought my father was nuts for leaving a good career, but it turned out really well, and I have fond memories of working with him.

While I'm sorry you're feeling like you'll "never" find a girlfriend, I'm most concerned about the bolded.

Since this is a first date and you want to make the best impression, I'd advise that you cancel and simply say you're not feeling well. No need to explain things further, as this is a first date. The most important part here is to reschedule while you're cancelling. And to call to cancel, not text. Call her and say you're under the weather today, and can we please reschedule? How's next Tuesday? etc. Any reasonable person will not only understand, but will appreciate it. Are you seeing a doctor for your insomnia?

Agreed, that these first meets are not "dates". They are "meets". If you've ever sold something locally to an individual (via FB Marketplace or the like), you'll follow the same rules: public place, your own car, and park close to the entrance of the place you're meeting so you can get back inside if necessary. Even if you completely hit it off, don't let anyone walk you to your car until you get to know them better. You may go on 20, 50, even 100 meets to find someone you really click with. That's ok, that's what this is all about. This guy with zero personality, who then tried to suck your face off, is just one of those 100. Next.

There's nothing "confusing" about it. He's using you, and you're letting him. Stop.

Yikes. Yikes. My sister is similar. Can't leave 3 seconds in between breaths before she yammers on, blathering about some mundane thing. I know I wouldn't be able to take 9 days. One night is enough. In fact, years ago, I started staying at a hotel when I'd visit her, as I don't need to hear what happened with her toothpaste that morning, or how this towel needs to be washed, etc. When she calls me, I LITERALLY lay the phone down, on speaker, and move throughout my house doing chores. She's never noticed I'm not talking. Can your sister stay at a hotel for part of her visit? I've tried interrupting my sister, it doesn't work. Just this week, I had lunch with a friend who does this. Ended up being 3 hours, because she just. would. not. shut. up. On a business trip years ago, I roomed with a work friend years ago who started blathering the moment her eyes opened. Mine weren't even open yet. I declined to room with her after that. All I can say is, I empathize, and I've had to minimize my time with these blatherers. A couple of choices: Ask her to stay at a hotel for at least part of the visit, or let her know that unfortunately, 9 days is too much out of your schedule, so can she please cut the trip? Or ask your other sister to take her, thin walls & all, for part of it.

Look up "Love Bombing". https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing/#:~:text=Love bombing is a form,Excessive flattery and praise. Love Bombers are often people with addictive personalities, who "love bomb" so that they can feel the hot heat of their target, only to move on quickly once they realize the target is "theirs". The thrill is no longer there, so they must feed their addiction, through another target. Once he shared his truth with you, and you accepted, he was like....um ok, she's cool with all this, she's not going to run. So I am. Because the thrill, for him, is gone, unfortunately. She is just his flavor of the day. If you both go to the same sauna, you will see him with others in the future. In fact, If I had to guess, he's bringing this girl just so that you will, by chance, run into him, because the jealousy he's sure you'll feel also feeds him. I'd venture to guess that you'll see him with girls of other ethnicities, other hair colors, etc., as, to him, it's not interesting if it's not different from the last. I'm so sorry you experienced this. Such a disappointment, to feel like you finally found someone who gets you, who opens up to you, with whom you feel such chemistry, only to.....boom....be done with you. I'm not saying he's a Narcissist, but here's a pattern: Idealize, Devalue, Replace, Discard. I don't know about the Devalue stage, i.e., I'm not sure if he devalued you (although he may have, to her), but all the other 3 are right on target. He "has" to do this, to feel his own worth. Head held high, my dear. Something about the way you write, tells me that you are a beautiful woman, with a heart of gold. Hold out for the right man, and don't promise to change your life for anyone, as you are just great as is.

Have you read ONE THING that has been carefully posted to you? Or are you simply ignoring all advice, just to write a whole new post with all new details of all new incidents with your mom? You are exhausting. I'm sorry. Please, read this entire thread. You've been given some terrific advice. Print it out if you have to. But for the love of Pete, stop writing these long diatribes with every single new sin your mother commits. We get it. She's awful. Place boundaries. Done.

Why would you want anyone's criticism? Her criticism shows her weakness. It shows where she needs to feel superior, to feel control. And guess what....it works. She has total control over you. Others have said it, so I'll repeat it: You are in a codependent pattern, and you need to significantly reduce contact. Cut your contact in half. If you talk every day, move to every other day. Simply be "busy". Eventually, once a week, once a month. Move this controlling, critical creature to the far edge of your life, or you will be posting here in 10 years, asking the same questions, questioning your worth. Ask me how I know this.

You asked if anyone had been in a similar situation. The only time that happened to me was when he was having an affair. There could be a million reasons for this, and you could get all kinds of feedback, but the only thing that matters is, how do you feel about this? Obviously you no likey, lol. I get that. How long has it been? A week, several weeks, months, years? At some point, you will have to make a decision, as you are not expected to make a formal lifetime commitment in this scenario.

Friendship endings can be just as hard, sometimes harder, than relationship endings. With relationships, we often know there's a "sell" date, whereas with friendships, we want them to last forever. When they end, we not only mourn the existing friendship, but we mourn the future friendship, as you said, the thought that you'd grow old and raise your children together. This is the stuff of movies and TV sitcoms. Bea Arthur, of "Golden Girls", said that 4 senior women living together makes for a great TV show, but would never work in real life. We all want to be part of that community, that cul-de-sac neighborhood that we see on TV, where BFF's stroll their kids together, discuss marital issues, enjoy lunch, yoga, and family vacations. In reality, much of what happens is what's happened in your case: one person's unhappiness in her life turns against you, and you become an unwilling target of personal attacks that are not only unfounded, but in your case, it ended up as physical violence. I'm sorry you're going through this disappointment. I had dinner just last night with a friend, where we discussed a friendship I ended over a year ago, and honestly, it still hurts. Started off as "BFF's", ended with her saying things about me that simply were not true, plus little hurtful jabby comments. Over a year later, and it still hurts if someone posts a party picture & she's in it. So I do get where you're coming from, and all I can say is, keep going, find your nice friends, and eventually, this one will be in your rearview mirror.

Good for you, for writing this letter, for spitting on the grave of the man who abused you, and for having the healing power within yourself to not only not repeat a pattern with your current relationship, but to have cemented something with someone who sounds like a wonderful person. A person who stood by you, literally with his hands on your shoulders, while you rid yourself of this negative energy. And yes, I think the fact that you did it in the middle of the night, and it happened to be at 3:33 am, is symbolic at most, interesting at the least. These letters that therapists have us write are intended to help us release the negative feelings, and we read them in their offices. Then what? Then we talk about how we take our coffee? When I went through a similar situation, I was like....um....how do we fill the rest of the hour? Like, it didn't DO anything for me. Just put a bunch of words on a page to tell the person how horrible I thought they were, and that yes, I was happy that they died. But what then? What we really crave is for them to take ownership and a genuine apology. Movies, TV dramas. Not real life. In real life, they are a bitter pill till the end. So it sounds to me that this symbolic event, plus the seemingly healthy relationship that you are now in, is what's what now for you. In my case, I didn't want to ever grace that person with the time it would take to drive to the cemetery, find a place to park, etc. Like, they took up too much of my time and energy while they were alive. I didn't want to spit as much as I wanted to yell at them, but I didn't want to disturb others. When a loved one, who honestly loved this person, wanted to go but couldn't drive, I took them, but I stayed in the car. That was my symbolic effort: You're not even worthy of me leaving my air conditioned car. We do what we have to, to move on. Sounds like you are doing just that.

This is a great post in whole, but especially this part. You've seen "Bridget Jones' Diary"? About the smug marrieds lol? Something I've realized about people, that my mom said decades ago : My mom once signed up to be an in-depth census taker, where you go to someone's home and take an in-depth census of the family for the U.S. Census Bureau. She said it was the easiest job in the world, because you just ask a bunch of questions, and people's most favorite subject is themselves. I've also learned, at parties involving small talk, how easy it is: Just ask questions, and people will talk endlessly about themselves, and all you have to do is nod and enjoy your mini quiche. But to find people who will ask about you, and actually listen to the answer? Now that's a different story. Most people ask a question so they can answer it themselves: How was your vacation? Great! We went to Greece! Oh, that sounds awesome. We went to France. We stayed at X, we went to Y, we did Z..... 20 minutes later, 15 mini-quiches later..... OK, thanks for asking.....um.... My point is, finding friends who care about us? Whole different story than just finding a tribe. Sounds like you're involved with a whole bunch of people who either don't have depth, or simply don't care about any depth you bring to the table. You'll need to search around, and find your friends. Your circle might be a whole lot smaller, but it will be more meaningful. All this talk of bridesmaid gift, friend gift, dress, etc., will become a whole lot more meaningless when you look back on all of this in 10, 15, 20 years, and you see all the divorces, financial issues, health issues, etc., that start to occur. For now, just look at this as a group you've been included in, and do what you think is best from a gift and participation standpoint, keeping in mind that once you've accepted being a bridesmaid, it does come with responsibilities. After the wedding is over, do some deep dive work within yourself: journaling, yoga, therapy, whatever that entails, and you might find yourself with some new friends who ask a question and....let you answer it.

The video he sent to you is disgusting and disturbing. He was trying to get a reaction out of you. Knowing you're a virgin, he thought it would turn you on, as it wasn't something you asked for, nor had you entered into a sexting type of communication. Good for you for not responding with anything similar. For future: NEVER ever send a picture of yourself naked to anyone. NEVER. Why did he break up with you? The answers are in the responses above. Just be glad he did.

Um, I'd be careful here. Someone who not only goes against company policy, but does it electronically, is setting up not only himself, but possibly you, for trouble. I'm sure he's cute. I'm sure he's charming and seems like a great guy. Have you tried the dating apps? Maybe there are guys there who don't have access to your money AND are willing to do something against policy regarding it.

I'm not sure the answer, as this would really piss me off. You shouldn't have to dance around on eggshells, worrying what type of "I" statements to use. He freaking plugged up the toilet. Correct, adult response? "Honey, I plugged up the toilet. Don't use that one till I get it taken care of". You: "OK, thanks, the plunger is in the downstairs closet". Period. He's acting like a 2 year-old, and you're being painted into this corner of trying to not get the 2 year-old to pitch a fit. I used to date a guy who routinely plugged up my toilets (ha ha, funny not funny). No matter how many times I told him to flush "during".....anyway, he knew where my plunger was, and he'd simply yell downstairs for me to "avoid the area", lol, while he fixed it. The fact that your husband won't even admit it, despite him being the only one in the house who used it? Absurd. I'm sorry, but I have nothing for you other than sympathy, as if this is indicative of how he handles things, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Both of these men took advantage of you, I'm sorry to say. The resident (I'll call him Dr. Habibti) love bombed you, made you feel you were the most wonderful woman in the world, called you habibti, said all the right things, until he was done with you. He then made you feel you had to take Plan B, show him a picture of the box, and treated you like trash. He treated his doctor friend like trash, throwing him under the bus, taking texts out of context. At the very least, Dr. Habibti is a jerk. At the worst, he's a predator. As others have said, it was not only highly unethical for your doctor to become so friendly with you, but in some places, illegal and worthy of having a license removed. The fact that Dr. Habibti even went so far as to denounce your religion because of what "your people" did to "his people" is not only absurd, it's disgusting. And yes, I know exactly what "habibti" means, and yes, I'm using it will all the sarcasm intended.

People throw celebrations all the time, for all sorts of things, some of which make sense to us, some of which do not. Vow renewals are seen by some as gift grabs, whereas for others, they are lovely occasions. My point is, regardless of the reason for this celebration, you are an invited guest, and you are being invited as a participant as well (bridesmaid). It is your prerogative to feel elated for this couple and participate 100%, or to feel that this is a money/gift grab, and stay home, or somewhere in between. Me? I'd go and celebrate with them. There will probably be great food, great entertainment, and fun people to hang out with. If you want to not participate from a bridesmaid standpoint, you could just tell her that: that you'd love to celebrate, but from a guest perspective, and that you hope she respects that. And yes, bring a nice gift. Do I think it's tacky to ask people to donate money for.....any reason? (other than, please donate to our favorite animal shelter, etc.). Yes. Tacky, tacky, tacky. I'd purposely bring a crystal salad bowl instead, lol.

When people tell you something, hear them and believe them. She said she doesn't feel the same anymore. That's all you need to know, I'm sorry to say. You did the right thing, vacating your place while she packed her things, and telling her that you miss her. Leave it as it is, with peace, and go your separate ways. I know this hurts, and I'm so sorry. I also think that if it hadn't been this crash, it would have been something else down the road. Often, one person loves more than the other, and this appears to be the case here.