Starlight925

And what does XD mean? It would be easier to help you if you write in complete sentences, thanks.

Since you brought it up, I'll ask: It's possible that your perception is that other people's rudeness comes from your being of a mixed race. When we can see, by the many examples given by others, that unfortunately, rudeness is just an unfortunate common thing these days, regardless of race, gender, etc. I'm a white older woman (just to point out that race/gender has little to do with others' rudeness), and yesterday, my city was experiencing massive storms. While I was driving, two of my "Low Tire" lights went on at the same time, indicating two possible flats. I made this weird turn around on a small street, as we were approaching the street that turns to the freeway, and I was trying to get to a parking lot for safety. This car started honking, flipping me off, yelling. I was trying to motion that I was trying to get to safety, but I could barely see with the rain, afraid I'd get stuck with two flat tires. The person drove around me again, and I thought, oh cool, they're going to help me. Nope, only to flip me off again, honk like a madman, flash their brights on & off behind me, and squeal off. Rudeness happens. How I dealt with it? I pulled into a parking lot, looked up the closest tire place, and calmly drove there. The guy at the place was super nice, fixed my tires, got me off safely, and then....I had a deep breath, pulled into another parking place, and called a friend for a 30 minute chat. By the time we were done, incident was forgotten. So, any sort of coping mechanism helps. Deep breaths. A nice walk. A chat with a friend. Treat yourself to ice cream. And fuggeddabout the rude people who flip us off. They're not worth the space in our head.

So, the hard truth is, if your love language is words of affirmation, this just isn't your guy. You've verbalized it a million times; he just. does. not. do. it. This is just how he is. This is just who he is. Doesn't make him a bad person; on the contrary, as you said, he's likely to be this good, solid, "there" guy. He's just never going to look at you and tell you how beautiful you are, how much he loves you, how lucky he is that he found you. It's just not going to happen, because he's just not that guy. I can relate. Many years ago, I dated someone like this, and I thought I was being selfish to want him to say something....anything.... I remember bringing it up to my friend (happily married), afraid she'd bash me and tell me to stop being so selfish. I'll never forget: She said, "Oh I understand. I need to be adored". And she told me that of course I deserved to be adored. I've never forgotten those words, and realized how important those words of affirmation are for me. My advice: Sit him down, have a heart to heart. He might just mumble, he might look at you like he's a dog you're trying to reason with, lol. But say your peace, say it with kindness, and then see what happens. See if you can live with his response. This all reminds me of Fiddler On The Roof, the song "Do You Love Me?" The couple had been matched in an arranged marriage, and after 25 years, she was asking if he loved her. He sang back, that through all of his actions throughout the years, if that wasn't love, what was? Of course, she was looking for the words, but realized that his actions showed it. You'll have to figure out if actions are sufficient for you. For me, it's hard, because like you, I'm a words gal.

Due to anonymity, I'd prefer not to share, as it's a niche area in a relatively small world. But, I will say, it involves public speaking every day, and like you, I always had the huge speaking fear. I couldn't get two sentences out in front of more than two people. What I've learned is that if you have confidence + enthusiasm for your subject, your audience sees that, and you feed off that energy. I imagine teaching to be that way. The teachers that we all remember, the ones who shaped our lives, were those who not only knew what they were talking about, but they had passion for their subject. The math teacher who made it seem fun, the science teacher who got so excited sharing all their scientific info. It brought us in, it reeled us into their world, so that we, too, wanted to be a part of it. If you are thinking along the lines of teaching, think of what you'll teach? What age group? What area, what school district? Things like that. I remember a teacher of mine saying she taught 10th grade because that's the age she just loved. It's weird, but it made me feel special being a 15 year old, being taught by someone who loved kids who were 15 years old. My parents sure didn't at that time, lol. Also: If you're thinking teaching, could you do something part time? Sub? My friend is a lawyer who taught a night school business law class while maintaining their law practice. There are often professionals in certain careers needed like this.

I'm someone who changed careers multiple times, finally settling on what I do now (that I love) when I was in my early 40's. I chose an early path that was my dream, finally getting to that actual "dream job", and hated it with a passion. I came home crying every night. When I left that path, people told me I was crazy, that I'd never have that chance again, that "a million people" would want that job. Great, they can have it. What I do now is considered so mundane and just....odd....to people that when I'm asked at parties what I do for a living, I get this blank stare. I get "Oh, I didn't know they had a job for that." I don't care. I truly enjoy it. Oh, and eventually, even though I started out at a much lower level of pay, it caught up & surpassed. I didn't care. I was willing to sweep floors, I was that miserable. My point is, if you're unhappy, you're unhappy. You owe no one an explanation. But (and you know this), don't quit without having a job lined up. Brush up your resume to within an inch of its life, lol. Get your LinkedIn profile all caught up, with all the keywords, and a nice headshot (not the one of you at that party, or the blurry one that's cropped out of a group). Spend some money, get an actual photographer with proper lighting, and get a nice headshot. It matters. You'll have to figure out how to deal with your social anxiety, because you need confidence. Find a good therapist who can help you with tools. I made many many interview mistakes along the way. In one, I bashed my former company & boss. Guess what....they no likey lol. In another, I was flustered & unprepared. Again, no phone call. Prepare. Show up early for interviews. Study study study for what you're going for. If it's not the right fit, it's ok to move on. No longer are the days when multiple jobs are seen as a bad thing. Your first step is what you're doing right here....coming to a board for advice. You got this.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not as simple of a question as it seems. If a person was married for 30 years, and the cheating was a one-time thing, then it's possible it was only that time. In your case, I'm sorry to say, it's much different. You've been married a very short time. Not only did he cheat for a while prior to your marriage, he carried it into the marriage, even cheating during your unfortunate miscarriage. You came here to ask for advice, so I'll give it to you straight: Lawyer up, pack up, and leave.

You're not happy with his weight because you simply find it unattractive. That's ok to say. It's ok to think. And no, it's not shallow. Attractiveness is extremely important. I think it's unfair for one partner to change their appearance drastically without the other partner's agreement/support. It's unfair for his appearance to have changed this much without his recognition of it, without your acknowledgement and acceptance. We all know when our appearance changes. He knows; he is either ashamed, embarrassed, or simply doesn't care. I have a couple that I'm friends with where the husband put on about 40 lbs. His wife, very lovingly, told him that it simply caused her to lose attraction. He took it seriously and started working out, eating better, and lost the weight. Spoiler alert: He has now gained it back, plus some. Unfortunately with fat cells: once you gain fat, your body adds fat cells. If you lose weight, the fat is released from the cell, but the cell remains, and it's much easier to fill up with fat again. Think of why Oprah has never maintained a loss. The only true way to get rid of fat cells is with lipo, but since there are fat cells all over the body, it's impossible to get them all. A friend of mine has had a lot of lipo, but she's gained weight again; because her thigh fat cells were sucked out, it's now all in her gut, giving her that "skinny pregnant" look. Bottom line: I hate to say this, but it's who he is, now. You can gently bring it up, but know that it's obviously all up to him, and it will be a lifetime battle for him. You will have to decide if this is the straw for you.

Are you financially dependent on her? Is she financially dependent on you? I ask because financial dependence can cause boundary strains that are hard to break. If you are financially dependent one way or the other, I'd advise that you break that financial bond somehow. If not, then it's time to set clear boundaries. Talk to her only on X day of the week, for Y amount of time. Let her know of this schedule, and stick to it. Ignore any calls, texts, or emails from her other than this time, except for clear emergencies. Any in-person visits are to be scheduled, and times to be kept. You have too much going on in your life with medical school (congrats on this amazing accomplishment, BTW!!) to deal with this nonsense. If she threatens suicide, call the suicide hotline at once and give them her number. You are not her suicide hotline.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. She sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. I know, we throw those words around so much these days, but in this case, I believe it to be true. The best way to deal with her is the Gray Rock technique. Every communication you have with her should be as bland as a Gray rock. How’s the weather, I saw a great movie, this food is delicious. As to your original question: If you’re invited to something, yes, you should respond. And a simple “I’m sorry but I’ll be unable to attend” suffices. Sounds like you’re used to being used as the work mule. You bring all this food, you clean up, you help entertain. And instead of being a nice, sweet sister, she takes advantage of this instead of telling you to please enjoy the party, that she wants you to sit & enjoy. Your free labor, which she exploits. You’ve been in this pattern, this role, for so long, that that’s where she keeps you. Once you advocate for yourself, she will not take it kindly, so be prepared. And by advocating, I’m not even suggesting you say anything. It will be your simple declining of invitations, where her free workhorse isn’t going to attend, that will tick her off. It will be, to her, akin to hiring someone to work her party, but then no-showing. She will react by continuing to invite your in-laws, and by saying bad things about you to others. Stay strong, girl. You’ve got this. You are no one’s free labor.

How is he still seeing your social media posts? Are you still social media friends, still follow each other? Why??????

So don’t put her on those shifts. You’re trying to do the right thing in getting these shifts covered, but you’ve been told by your management not to put her on these shifts; you’ve even been warned. What will happen is, the shifts will remain uncovered, and management will then see what a problem she is, as if she were a truly worthy employee, they’d welcome her on these shifts. They obviously know she’s a problem, which is why they’re telling you not to include her. So don’t. Let the chips fall where they may. There is some reason why they won’t get rid of her. It’s possible that it’s simply due to the overall labor shortage, or she may have something that causes them to pause in firing her. They are afraid of her for some reason, and she exploits that. All you can do is your actual job, which includes doing what your management says, i.e. not including her on certain shifts. You can look for another job, but be mindful that this type of BS in one form or another exists in many other places. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You sound like a great employee, but so often, it’s the problem employees that management walks on eggshells around, who get away with everything. Ask me how I know. 🤨

The funny thing about Pickleball with respect to age is that it started as a Retirement community hobby. A way for seniors to stay active, since it’s a much smaller court than tennis. But the secret is out lol….My 19 year old niece plays & loves it. And my gym’s average age looks to be around 35. Another thing you could do is to join a women’s group of interest. A business networking group, a church group, a political group, etc. Something where the women in the group are there for a purpose, and along the way, you meet others and become friends. So the group’s goal is also a hobby. I’ve been involved in groups like this, and have met some of my closest friends this way.

Can you stay in the cheer world since that’s where you were your happiest? As a judge, or even open up a cheer gym? Cheer is a very social sport, a family. I’m sure you feel a sense of societal loss. There are meetup groups for walking, hiking, day trips, etc. So you could meet others doing an activity. Another great one is Pickleball. Very active and social, for all ages. I belong to a high end gym that added indoor Pickleball, and the courts are always full.

Guilty people often accuse others of their own crime. “Look over there”! while they commit the crime themselves. I think your President either was embezzling himself, or planning to. You need a lawyer. Yes, you were cleared by the accountant, but if this a-hole President accepts you’re not getting paid to float the company, only to then accuse you of embezzling, then I assure you, you need this documented properly. You do not want this to come up and bite you down the road. Defamation law is an emerging specialty, as it’s becoming more common. Find a lawyer who specializes. And you need a new job. Even if it means flipping burgers for a while. I was asked to falsify documents for a publicly traded company. This was in the days of the Enron debacle. I consulted an attorney, and I’m glad I did.

Agree with @Batya33! Best thing you can do is to simply say nothing to her, and nothing about her. If she "outs" you, then that's the unfortunate price you pay for trusting someone so unstable. Yes, you knew she was unstable before you started dating, as someone who can't pay rent to the point of eviction is, as we say in the dating world, "undateable". Keep her blocked, and if someone tells you what she's saying about, put your hands over your ears and repeat after me: "Waaappp waaaaapp wapppp wapppp" (remember Charlie Brown, the way they heard adults speak?).

Yes, please, for your safety, do not tell anyone your home will be empty. That goes for social media as well. Sounds like you're doing everything ok, aside from not being able to respond until late in the day. While I understand that you can't respond during the day, many guys might think you're either game-playing by waiting, or that you're chatting with so many others, or that you're simply not interested and using them as a back up. While I realize this isn't your intent, it's similar to texting someone and they leave it on Read all day. You're hoping for a response, and by the time one comes, you're over it. I don't know what the answer is, other than to try to get to your messages during the day, on a break, lunchtime, etc., as often, by the time you do respond, they've gotten so many other messages, they've moved on. So by the time you respond, they ghost you, as they already have others they are chatting with.

This is not only disrespectful to you, but he's minimizing your feelings, deflecting by telling you how beautiful you are, blah blah blah. He's trying to get you to "look over there" while he watches this stuff.....and who knows what else. I'm not saying he should stop completely. Yes, men are visual creatures, I get it. But he's doing this while at work? Sounds like he's obsessed to the point where he just "can't stop". Is he on a work computer? That alone is cause for worry. Bottom line, it makes you feel bad, and sounds like he's not going to stop. He's going to continue to do it, while he distracts you with sweet nothings. You have a choice here, I'm sorry to say.

She doesn't care. People who are habitually late simply don't care that they are late, and they will only blame you for not waiting on them. I don't know what it is, and why some people are like this. I've dated "habitual late" guys before, and I can tell you, they simply don't care. True for friends as well. I've stopped making plans with friends who are like this. You did the right thing in telling her to arrange her own rides. This is infuriating, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it, but it sounds like you handled it well.

Online dating is much different than it was "back in my day". Back when there were no apps, online dating was fun, it was new. People wanted to get off the computer, especially if we're talking back in the days of only a desktop computer (yes, that was me!). People wanted to get out of the house and meet. These days, it's all app-based, geo-locating based, and yes, much faster paced. And that means, unfortunately, people move on to shiny things much faster as well. Our phones now "ding" all the time. We spend 1 hour at a workout, and when we look at our phone after that hour, it's all lit up with notifications. Heck, I actually have 2 phones, and I had to turn all notification sound off of both since it's so much. I got divorced and re-entered the world of app dating, so here's my take from the "New" world: I like Geroge Bensen's advice above, about keeping the conversation going by being playful, funny, and with banter. But here's the most important thing: Keep it short. One liners, two at most. Don't launch into paragraphs of this, or that. Just reply quickly, and with humor. Then, if the guy doesn't initiate a meet within a few days, a week at most, you suggest a meet. If he doesn't take you up on it, move on. All the back & forth can get a bit boring if it's not fun. And if it goes on too long (I'd say one week), it gets mundane. So yes, quick one-liners, funny, engaging, and meet. Or done.

You had FaceTime sex with him while he was married, and you're wondering why he still calls you?

You asked for men's opinions. I'm not a man, but I'll tell you what happened with the guy in Case #1 for me, above. This is the guy who shared with me his herpes diagnosis, with pamphlets & info, prior to us moving forward. In his case, he got it from his ex-wife, who had it before they met. She told him before they ever had sex, and he went ahead with the relationship and subsequent marriage, because he loved her and figured they'd be together forever. He never had an issue with it, as she was honest. BTW, they had a great ex-relationship while we dated, as they shared kids. My point is, as a guy, he not only looked past it, but he appreciated her openness about it, and he moved the relationship forward. You're doing the right thing here, asking the questions, gaining insight.

Also, to add, if it were me: I'd wait until about date 3 to disclose. Not a hard rule, just a guideline. If we click, and we haven't slept together, but it feels like we are getting close, it's time to disclose. Not immediately before intimacy. Not when things are imminent. But sometime before it reaches that level. Golden rule applies here.

Sorry if that sounded confusing! In Case 2, he had herpes, I didn't. He didn't disclose it to me until about 3 months in, after sleeping together multiple times. We had sex one morning, and he left to go work out. Called me and told me that while he was in the hot tub, he noticed active sores, and decided to tell me then, for the first time, that, oh, by the way, I have herpes. Hung up on him, never spoke to him again. I did multiple tests afterwards, before entering into other relationships, and I'm negative. And yes, I do think men are more forgiving. The friend I mentioned who has HPV, met a really great guy (20+ years ago). She decided to tell him early on, because she figured, if he leaves, so be it. He stayed, they had 2 kids, and life goes on. He literally said he could care less (or couldn't care less, I never know, lol). They are on vacation as a family as we speak.

Not only should you disclose it, but you might be legally bound to disclose it. There have been legal cases where a partner gets an STD (doesn't matter what type) from a non-disclosing partner. The question is, when? When do you disclose it? Obviously before sex, but on the first date? With the first sip of coffee? In your dating profile? Etc. That is all up to you. I'll tell you two of my experiences: 1) Dated a guy for about a month, no sex but heavy makeuout. One day, he sits me down on the couch with pamphlets about HSV, as he is positive, and he'd like to move forward with our physical relationship, but wanted me to have as many facts as possible. Continued to date him, never ended up having sex, as there were other issues, but I look back on him fondly. 2) Dated a guy for about 3 months, slept together multiple times, disclosed it one morning when he discovered active sores. Never spoke to him again. (In case #2, I've had IGG antibodies tests multiple times and have been negative, which I did prior to moving on to other relationships). Again, the timing is up to you. Sounds like you're a female? Which, while I hate to generalize, is easier than being the male in this situation. What I've found is that males are more open to this than females. One of my female friends has been married 20+ years to her husband; he said he didn't care at all that she was positive, and she told him very early on. He still doesn't care, as he loves her.

At this early stage, give it until later this week to decide if this is a blow-off or something genuinely came up. He could have had a family emergency that's taking him out of town, and he's simply not sure if he'll be back by Saturday. Benefit of the doubt at this point.