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AndrewMo

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  1. It could be that there's a vibe or energy that I'm giving off that makes me a target. This idea is far more interesting to me than the advice to "turn the other cheek" and simply ignore the problem. I do logically realize that engaging strangers is not important in the grand scheme of things. And that bullying happens in the work place, in the home, and so on, which are far more tricky situations to navigate. "People suck" is merely a shorthand expression, a concept. I understand that there are certainly times when I'm sure people have regretted the way they have treated me. And in fact, I've had several people over the years apologize to me for their behavior. Given those opportunities to redress those times I'm careful not to brush it off as "no big deal" or let them off of the hook. My response usually falls into the realm of "I'm glad you can see how it hurt me" or "I'm happy to see you've grown" and couple that with thanking them for telling me and how I feel good knowing they've had a change of heart. I'm not certain I'm handling this is the right way, but hopefully they understand that I too have carried that memory and that their actions had ripple effects.
  2. It's possible I suppose that my senses are up in regards to the actions of white men. I understand what you are getting at. My father was a white man, and generally speaking he was treated differently than I am as an adult. I married a white woman and my son presents as white, and I can see how he is also treated differently than I was as a child. Just as I can see how I'm treated differently when I am with my wife and son vs. how I'm treated when I'm alone. Could my observations be acutely inaccurate? Of course. The subject of skin color privilege is one that is incredibly difficult to explain to those who have never experienced it first hand. I find those who have traveled extensively into other countries tend to be more empathetic. The feeling one gets when absolutely surrounded by a mass of people who don't look like you do, or speak the same language, or share a common culture... that feeling of not belonging... that's the way many people like myself feel all of the time or at least often feel that way. All of this aside, I don't want my posts to veer off track into culture and politics. My main goal is to try and gain the tools and strategies I need to improve my reaction to these events. I do try to anticipate and accept that people suck and these situations will continue to present themselves. Regarding how I carry myself. I don't know. I would consider myself fairly average in the way I present in terms of physical attributes. Besides my skin tone and face I'm of average height and weight, I dress normally for my age, and tend not to stand out in any way. It's an interesting thought though, and I'll have to look into specific body cues to know if I'm doing something that does make me stand out. But, as far as I know, this isn't an issue.
  3. Thank you for your comments. I feel that you're making a few assumptions about me that do not apply. For example that I have no street smarts and that I'm not a father. I don't want to go on the defensive here, but I also don't fall into the neurotypical range. I am intelligent enough to understand the logic behind all of these scenarios that you and others have offered up. And I can apply logic to my own circumstances. That doesn't mean that I also don't have knee jerk reactions (wanting to react with a snarky retort) or thoughts that go against the logical side of my brain. Just as I am intelligent enough to understand that my brain (again, not neurotypical) doesn't function the way most people's brains do. I'm working to gain the tools as I recognize this is a problem that has continually presented itself throughout my lifetime. It seems odd that a person of 47 years of age who has spent the majority of their life in large cities has this problem, no? I agree. Thanks for your suggestion brisk cardio, I'll give that a shot.
  4. While certainly people other than white males have been rude to me, if I didn't feel there were a patten present I wouldn't have brought it up. If I were to break it down into a percentage, I'd say that 70% of the times strangers have been rude to me, or I've been witness to rude behavior, the offender has been a white male. Take that how you will. Now, are they picking on me because I am of mixed race? Well, that's more difficult to say. All I can add to that is there's a certain segment of angry white males that have been emboldened in recent years. Perhaps they are indiscriminate in their rude behavior. But speaking with my friends who are also mixed or completely non-white I'd say they are targeting those who clearly don't present white.
  5. Yes, I do live in a big city. I've lived spent most of my life in large cities, less a 12 year stint in a community of around 100K. In the smaller community I also had these interactions, though overall I found it happened less. Probably because it was likely I'd run into that person again, or know someone in their family. And yes, I often walk away from these situations thinking about what snarky comment I could have made in return. Logically I know it doesn't matter, these small interactions with random strangers. And escalating the situation by confronting them seems both pointless and potentially dangerous. Sigh, I guess I'm just bummed out with the state of humanity. The bullying seems rampant. Both in the real world and online. I've dialed down my social media presence and intake, and that has helped some. I've tried to anticipate that I'll run into these people and these situations so that I can take them in stride. I do try to bush them off, focus on all the positive in my life and everything that you kind folks here are telling me to do. Logically, I know this is how it's all supposed to work. But my brain still fails to let these interactions go. They gnaw at me, over and over and over again. Thanks, Lambert. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
  6. Why do I tend to hold onto small negative interactions with strangers? It would seem throughout my life (47 years old) that I hold onto and dwell on small, one time, negative interactions with strangers. Let me provide one example. Today I was waiting in line at a popular outside burger stand. While I was waiting a guy walks in front of me, looks right at me, and says "Thanks man, that was awesome." He said it in a real snarky way and then continued to walk off. I honestly have no idea why he said this to me, or what I would have done to have offended him. It's like he just saw me and picked me out as someone to say some crap to. And so I try to brush it off, but I keep on replaying the scenario over and over in my head, examining what happened and trying to figure it out. I'll probably think about this for days now. And this isn't the first time this type of interaction has happened to me. I feel like I've got some sort of target on my back. Perfect strangers being rude and abrasive to me for no reason. If I were to guess, maybe because I'm mixed race? I don't know, but it always seems to be white dudes who choose to pick on me. This problem has definitely gotten worse in the past six years with the overall rise in tension and anxiety in the US. I guess I'm curious if anyone else experiences this, and if so, how do you deal with it? I find myself still replaying crap that happened to me more than a year ago.
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